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erased step mom

NicoleRB's picture

Many of you know my story.  I have been w my now DH for 6 years, happily married for almost 2 now and we have 4 kids between us (the 3 teen boys, two our mine, one is his) all live with us half time even though my SS is in college now.  His daughter (what would have been my SD14) moved out about 4 months before we married, despite our 50 50 custody and we didn't fight it because she was severely depressed and even mentioning harming herself because she claimed she was miserable with us and wanted to be with her mother and dog.  It has been 2+ years since she has been gone-- and what we didn't expect was that she would be gone for good and never really communicate with us or see us anymore (except when her Dad is needed to pick him up from school two days per week and drive her to her mother's house).

I am really having a hard time with it-- because I lived with this child for 4 years and gave a lot of myself to the effort and more so because I am horrified that my husband lost his child over our union.  I feel rejected, I feel rejected for my sons and I feel really bad for her older brother.  I am pretty sure it is a PAS'd out situation because of his ex wife's perception that infidelity occurred because we knew each other before.  

What I never expected was that my husband has stopped talking about his daughter with me entirely.  He doesn't mention any of it-- how it is or isn't progressing (he got her to go to a few of his counseling appointments which is good), how he feels about any of it, or anything normal around what you would typically TALK about and MENTION your child and what's going on with them.  When I ask he gets really angry and says that nothing is progressing and that he doesn't want to talk about it but that just makes me feel more awful and isolated in my role.

I am trying not to let this situation get in the way of my happiness, our happy marriage or the joys of motherhood I have with my sons and SS...but it is really hard when this is his other child.

Hoping for new coping solutions in 2023,

Erased Stepmom


shamds's picture

You aren't the reason why the relationship ended. Your relationship is the convenient scapegoat.

the sd didn't care about her father's happiness, she naively thought her relationship and existence was enough. That after the demise of her parents relationship, that daddy should and could never move on with anyone. Thats on sd to deal with.

your relationship shouldn't be held to ransom and the kids of your marriage for existing petty crap

my husband made it clear to me he wouldn't allow his 2 daughters due to pas etc, hold him hostage to moving on with his life. If biomum could have an affair, have affair guy leave his wife and marry her in secret literally days after divorce was finalised, then hubby had every right to marry me 5.5 yrs post divorce and have kids with me. Our marriage was not something which requires their blessing or approval as they are kids with no life experience.

notarelative's picture

ex wife's perception that infidelity occurred because we knew each other before.  

This one I know well. We were set up by a mutual friend. The first night we met, we realized that over 20 years before my first husband, I, him, and his ex wife all participated in a mixed double league. We had not seen each other since then, but there was an assumption that there had been infidelity. At one daughter's wedding the new mother-in-law told me I'd always be the other woman. I was stunned.

It is good that your DH is going to counseling. Since he has had his daughter attend a counseling session, will he ask you to attend one with him too?


NicoleRB's picture

So hard when his family says that to you. I feel like his sisters and neices have suddenly become less supporting of me since she is no longer with us. It's like a weird girls club and they don't want to lose her because they are associated with us.

I asked if I can go to counseling and he says yes but they've only gone a few times and I want them to prioritize his relationship with her. Although if I mention it he'll prob get mad that I mentioned it again.

SeeYouNever's picture

I'm trying to figure out how to say this nicely.

Everyone mourns differently, you're mourning the family you thought you would have. He's mourning the loss of a relationship with his daughter. It would be nice if you could help each other through this but I think you bringing it up makes it worse for him.

You aren't erased, she erased herself. It's ok to feel upset about it but it seems like you're making it about you when it's more about your DH and his daughter.

If he doesn't want to talk about her anymore I think you should let him set the pace here. It seems like he's gotten to acceptance of the situation and it's time you start to let it go too.

NicoleRB's picture

I do need to let go I suppose.  I see it as giving up but maybe it is acceptance on his part. 
I know it isn't about's definitely about he and his daughter but I guess my guilt keeps it at the service for me.  I prob should let go and I guess I am mourning out loud and he mourns quietly. 

Rags's picture

kids should not be allowed to make this call.  They are kids. They are not parents. They are not adults.

And as kids, they get no say in visitation, they get no say in their father moving on with his life after the failed family ... failed.



NicoleRB's picture

I agree with this but in my DH's family the kids get a bit more say, especially girls who play the mental health card. He and his family tend to walk on egg shells with her and so we find ourselves in the dark and letting a child call the shots who clearly is taking direction from a parent taking advantage of it.  Think he and his family are so afraid of losing her entirely that his family has kind of developed their own relationship with her (feel like they should be supporting their brother more in the fact that she doesn't see him and thats wrong & they're not holding her accountable). 

Guess we were foolish for falling for the I'm miserable story.  We were trying to help her by letting her live w BM. Instead, she dropped off the planet. 

Harry's picture

Just give up.  When these kids hit there. 20 s.  Start a life of there own. You are not going to be part of it. They get so angry ( I guest, for rueing there life's ) They will not talk to you, Money will do nothing.   
They SK don't just change one day,  No. what you see it's it