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One and a half more years

New_to_this's picture

One and a half more years until SS16 turns 18 and graduates from high school and is out of my house. That's what I keep telling myself. But, I know that DH will renege on what he's told me. He reneges on almost everything he's agreed to. I'm writing this as a reminder to myself of all the times that DH has reaffirmed to me that SS is out of our house at 18. I want to hold myself to leaving DH if he reneges on this one.
The latest issue has been him saving his mothers' credit card number to purchase pornography. Lots of pornography. This isn't the first time. He's regularly commits credit card theft by unlawfully using her credit card (she's an idiot for both leaving it out and not getting a new one when her information is compromised). How this happens every few months or less is beyond me. This time he spent over $700 on porn. DH asked me how in the world he could have spent that much. Umm...he was paying a site with live women. He was probably paying them to do things that he requested. Yuck!!

I've repeatedly told DH that SS has issues and that I can't have my little kids being around his influence. DH tries to sugarcoat everything and he doesn't want to think poorly of SS, but seriously, at some point, you have to be realistic and protect your other children. SD20 spent her last half year of high school avoiding home so she didn't have to deal with SS. SD has walked in on him masterbating, peeing, or just naked(mind you, she is just walking through common areas when she's viewed these things. He does these things in rec rooms, hallways, and closets).  This week, DH seems like he's at his wits end and wants the same things I want. But, it's always been temporary. I don't care if SS does make significant improvements in the next year (which I highly doubt). He has to be out of the house with very few and short visitations with us.

 

Comments

ICanMakeIt's picture

making any progress with a Launch Plan? 

I'd be actively planning my escape if not.

Catmom024's picture

Wow, that's awful.  Has your SS ever been evaluated for mental issues.  I don't blame your daughter.  

The second my SO's kids graduated high school (or turned 18 in the case of the one who failed out) and BM was no longer receiving child support they weren't allowed at her house any more (50/50 custody) and they lived with their father full time...basically feral.  Doing drugs, partying, stealing, etc.  He'd kick them out and they'd be back within a week because he "couldn't let them live out on the streets".  It was literally the worst time of his life and our relationship.  I thanked God every day that I'd never moved in with him and that my son and I had our own peaceful, drama free home.  

DH needs a launch plan for this kid.  You need an exit plan if necessary.

tog redux's picture

Where will the kid go? Unless he joins the military there are not a lot of options nowadays for 18-year-olds to move out the day after graduation. I entirely understand your need to get him out, but that doesn't sound realistic.

Is he in therapy? If he does anything sexual in front of you, call the police and have him charged with indecent exposure. Why is no one holding him accountable for his behavior? Do something now, because I guarantee he's not leaving at 18.

SteppedOut's picture

If I do something now, you mean she makes an Exit Plan and leaves before she wastes another year and a half of her life... I totally agree!

tog redux's picture

Yes, that, or start calling the police on him so he can be held accountable and start getting the consequences/help he needs.

New_to_this's picture

SS has had multiple therapists and psychiatrists since the age of 10. Personally, I think thats part of the issue. I mean, he definitely has issues and needs lots of mental help, but I think his parents have used all the diagnoses as a way to not set appropriate consequences for his actions. They explain away his behaviors and actions due to his impulsiveness and lack of executive function. But, I think it's bull. He is manipulative and thinks out his plans. He knows what he's doing is wrong, but there is limited consequence, so why stop. Neither parent is effective at taking things away from him. In fact, he usually ends up gaining items when he behaves poorly because he manipulates and his parents feel guilt and buy him something. DH refuses to call the police on SS, even though I suggest that every single time I'm told of SS stealing. All I can do these days is watch the train wreck and roll my eyes at the aftermath.

I agree that a launch plan is needed. I think DH has good intentions but bad implementation. Like, he is currently monitoring all of SS's school work since its all virtual and he has access to all of it, so SS is getting all As and Bs. He tells me proudly how well SS is doing, but DH is the one who is acing high school, not SS. I don't know how DH can help launch SS without me also being pissed because I will pick up all the slack with our kids. This always happens. DH will try to help SS but it is such intensive time and work that I get angry for feeling like a single parent to my kids. And, SS could not do any of it without DH's constant badgering, so he's not preparing him to launch at all even though he thinks he is.

tog redux's picture

Yeah, this is not a kid who will be ready to live independently and support himself right after graduation. And being mentally ill doesn't mean you can't be charged with crimes - DH does realize that the real world won't be as kind to him as he is, right? When he's caught masturbating in the hallway of his apartment building or a park, he'll get arrested. Or he steals from his work. So they can either give him consequences now while he's a juvenile, and hope that helps him learn some impulse control, or they can wait and visit him in the Big Boy jail.

Also - YOU or your daughter can call the police even if DH isn't on board. Will it blow up your marriage? Maybe - but your marriage is going to blow up when SS isn't able to launch, anyway. Might as well find out where DH stands now.

notarelative's picture

DH is the one who is acing high school, not SS.

Is DH planning to disguise himself as a teen and attend school for him when in person school resumes?

Harry's picture

Unless you and DH has a exit plan for SS.   There is no other one.   Except SS wanting to become a pimp .  
You must find a exit plan for SS. The army. Not likely if he that screw up.  Some type of boarding place for kids with problems.  IDK. You have to start investigating place for him today it may take a year to get him in someplace 

Catmom024's picture

There's no way this kid is going to be able to function independently once he turns 18.  Your only hope of getting him out of your place is sending him to live 100% with his BM...and trust me...when the child support ends they don't want them.  Or, your DH can get an extra job and pay this kid's rent to live elsewhere.  

shamds's picture

At 18 or 21... thats just a fantasy. 
 My ss is 22 and still lives in our marital home overseas and no intentions to move out. He finished university studies this year, no job, no working. Stays in his room playing computer games, plays a bit on the stockmarket.

hubby convinced himself Ss can't temporarily work asa delivery driver or takeaway etc because high risk so its convenient to use covid as an excuse while i'm stuck overseas raising a 3 &4 yr old for 9 months and it'll be at least 1.5 yrs before i can even see my husband. 
 

sd25 is still living rent free in a home hubby purchased after divorce was finalised, thats not enough, she wants that home transferred to her and her siblings because hubby owes their mum for divorcing her, exwife convinced them hubby promised to gift that house, she also expects a monthly allowance of $1000 indefinitely because hubby has a religious responsibility towards maintaining cs for a grown arse uni grad in fulltime employment for 22 months already.

there is no shame to their sense of entitlement and both parents effed up the parenting

shellpell's picture

How do you have this disturbed skid around your own little kids?

Exjuliemccoy's picture

OP, it sounds like you're clutching at straws to find something, anything to make your situation bearable. But based on what you've shared, your SS isn't going anywhere at eighteen, if ever.

Your H and BM have enabled and stunted him so much that he will not be able to live independently. They've created a basement dweller pervert Golden Child. And unless you take action to save yourself, you and your children will be sacrificed on the alter of their sh!tty parenting, just as SD20 was. Do you really want your children to be shunned by other kids once their parents realize your home is both dysfunctional and unsafe?

Quit being okay with this. If you know things aren't going to change, then you need to develop an exit strategy for you and your kids; make a plan, and put money aside. This alone will make you feel empowered. Your kids deserve to grow up with NORMAL, in a safe and stable environment. Talk to a divorce attorney to find out where you stand SOON. Don't waste another year and a half on this insanity.

New_to_this's picture

I am trying my best to make the situation bearable for myself and my kids. SS barely spends time with us. He spends his whole time in his basement bedroom when he's here. That's why only SD had to deal with SS's pervertedness/weirdness. When she lived with us, she had a bedroom in the basement as well. The rec room is in the basement as well and his sister's room is now his virtual school room. Now, no one is on the basement except SS. I only assume that he regularly does things that should be done in private all over the basement.

Leaving DH now would be unbearable to me. Not because of DH, but because I now have oversight in the house. I would be a wreck not knowing what was going on and not being able to protect my kids. The kids are now too young to realize that things are not normal, but yes, give it a few years and my oldest will figure it out.

My original plan was not an exit plan, but was a plan to get away from SS. We would to move to a different area and just give BM so much money that she couldn't say no to taking SS full-time. And, we figured SS would want to stay in his high school rather than move with us. We would also move to a more expensive area, so our house would be smaller and without a dedicated room for SS (so he would stay in the guest room during visits). DH was onboard with this plan. But the more we talked about it, the more we both realized that BM would take the money and drop SS off with us. Or SS would ask to live with us after the inevitable screw up at his mom's house and would manipulate to get his way. We would then be stuck with SS in a house that was not designed the fit him (ie. mainly away from us in the basement). Plus, the pandemic happened and put a hold on everything.

I do need a more definitive exit plan. My original plan was supposed to have happened by the start of this school year and that obviously didn't happen and will likely not happen. Which is the other reason why I wrote my post. I think DH, this whole time, has just been trying to get me to hold off until both of his kids graduated from high school. But, the resentment in me runs high and I don't think he realizes that his medical issues are all probably anxiety because he can't commit to one thing. Two out of three people (Me, SS, and BM) are going to hate and resent him. His life isn't a picnic, but if I were him, I'd choose the person that gives him emotional support and sane and reasonable advice to go through life with.  

tog redux's picture

Document, document, document. Get affidavits from your daughter about what she witnessed. Let DH know that unless he agrees to limited visitation when you leave, until SS is out of the house,  you will do everything in your power to let the world know all about his son and his behavior in court. Keep a log of it all. Pictures where you can.

Honestly, once you are out, you could call CPS on DH as well. I know this sounds awful and you still care about him, but this would be the nuclear option to get yourself and your kids out of the home safely.

Winterglow's picture

Just a question, you said that he had numerous therapists but does he have an actual evaluation? 

tog redux's picture

She said he's seen psychiatrists - in the US, that would the evaluation he would get.

New_to_this's picture

The diagnosis was only ADHD, though, personally, I think he is also bipolar. The latest from his therapist is that he is functioning at 70% of executive functioning for his age. His therapist is also trying to get him off his medications, so she is doing that in conjunction with his psychiatrist. I'm on board with it. I never thought he should have been so medicated and that he always needed to learn self-control without pills. Plus, I want to be done with his medical needs, though I'm pretty sure that DH will keep him on our insurance and foot the bill until insurance no longer allows it. That said, he is not lacking any sort of medical attention, but I am disengaged so I try not to get involved.

I will say, one time he decided he didn't want to talk to the therapist. So, he ran off when BM wasn't looking (not sure how that happens). DH left work and searched the doctor's office area for him. DH is crying searching for him. Cops are called. I think even Dr. office personnel is helping. He turns up...sitting at a nearby McDonalds. SS is totally oblivious to the chaos he caused. He wasn't 5, he was 15.

Wilhelm's picture

My daughter and DH have bipolar disorder. It does not cause this sort of bad behaviour. They are both very personable, cooperative people although they are unable to deal with conflict or difficult situations. They mainly suffer from extreme depression .

ADHD sounds much more likely .