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DH and his memory

New_to_this's picture

Obviously SS is going to do sh*tty things everytime he's here, so this is just a recap of the most annoying thing this weekend thus far. DH, DS, and I went out in the morning for less than two hours. Within that time, SS woke up, ate breakfast and lunch, made a mess, and went into the pantry (he's not allowed in there) and took either two or three of DS's juice boxes.

SS has been told numerous times by DH not to have breakfast and lunch right after each other. He has been told at least 3 times in the past 5 months that he is NOT to open the pantry. He knows this. This is not new information. We implemented the "stay out of the pantry" rule over 4 years ago. The only difference is that I removed the sign telling the skids to stay out of the pantry. I figured after 3+ years, they understood the rules.

But, the problem is DH. He has the worst memory. Not including this most recent time, SS has been in the pantry and has taken food from it at least 3 times in less than half a year (but I feel like it's been more). And, everytime DH says the same exact thing. "The next time you go into the pantry you will lose your allowance." SS has never been actually disciplined for doing things that are not allowed in our house. So, after taking the juice, DH again says "next time you lose..." to SS.

After that, I privately spoke to DH about it, always ready for him to get in defensive mode. And, of course, after I said SS has done this multiple times, he asks me to prove it. He asked me what he had taken the last time and when it was. But, I can't do this anymore. I can't be both his memory and my own. I'm already losing my ability to retain memories from pregnancies. And, I told him that - I told him that I know it happened, but my pregnancy brain can't tell him exact details.

All I knew at that point was that he had taken DS's oreos during the summer. He was told to stay out of the pantry and out of the oreos and he did it again during his next visit two weeks later. I vaguely remembered it happening two more times after that, so in my mind it must have happened at least 3 times in recent history. So, I had to think about it for the next hour trying to figure out what and when he went in the pantry last, even though instinctively I knew it had happened multiple times. This is what DH does to me constantly and I'm sick of it.

Anyway, I finally told DH that it was granola bars that he took. At that point, DH said he vaguely remembered that too. He told me that he had already spoken to SS and SS was going to be raking leaves for going in the pantry. It was nice to know that DH didn't wait for me to prove it to him before he gave SS a consequence, but I'm just tired of all of this. I told DH, like I have in the past, that the skids use his poor memory to get away with things and it's been this way since I've known all of them. He replied that everyone takes advantage of him due to his poor memory - skids, BM, and me.

I was surprised that he lumped me into that group and asked him to explain. He said that he assumes that I do the same, because he can't know for sure. I told him that I always try to be as truthful as possible given what I remember of events and if I was indeed doing that then he should be seriously worried about our relationship. I guess for someone with the memory issues that he has, he's forced to trust blindly, so maybe I'm too hard on him. But, I hate that I have empathy for him because I feel like I'm being used and lied to for his benefit. But, I'm not sure of that either.

Comments

tog redux's picture

It's not poor memory, he doesn't want to discipline his kids.

Since you are working on disengagement (I think), buy a box that locks to put DS's treats into, and then let SS rummage through the pantry and eat 7 meals in a row all he wants, and let DH fail to discipline all he wants, too.

beebeel's picture

Oh so he's the victim because he "can't" remember jack? Unless he has some neurological condition such as early onset dementia, his excuse for failing to parent is LAME. Maybe he should start a daily dairy so everyone can't take advantage of the poor, forgetful baby.

And yes, time to lock up the pantry!

susanm's picture

"I don't remember" is a lot easier to say than "I can't be bothered."  In my experience, when the dad constantly does not remember something about the child or BM, it is always the bad things.  Somehow they are always able to remember the good things.  Convenient, huh?  And NOT how a genuinely malfunctioning memory works!

TrueNorth77's picture

I know what you mean about the bad memory! My SO’s memory is TERRIBLE. Not just when it comes to skids, he has completely forgotten unforgettable events. But in our case, he has forgotten what time he has specified skids bedtimes are when they are in school. He set it at 9, and by the end of the year he thought it was 9:30. So that’s what he let it be. It was only when he was trying to figure out bedtimes for this year that I (and SS) reminded him that he had set it for 9 but forgotten and let it slip til 9:30. He Just has no idea. 

I would be frustrated by the sneaking food thing too. 

New_to_this's picture

Argh! I know! I used to think he was faking it to get out of trouble. Then, I thought that he did it to not have to parent the skids. But, his bad memory is not just with the skids. I do think it's both maybe genetic and a learned behavior. He's definitely got behaviors that make me think he has a mild form of aspergers. And, I've thought it maybe due to a traumatic event in his childhood. His father died when he was young, so I sometimes think that maybe as a kid he learned to block things out and has just become really good at it. I'm not condoning it, but I'm trying to figure out why he is the way he is.I've spent my years with him trying to improve his memory and it works for some things and not for others, so I've had to figure out ways to live with it.

But, yeah, one example is that DH does not at all remember SS getting his tonsils taken out. This was before he met me. He's told me that it's not in his memory at all even though he was there! But he knows it happened because of what others have told him about it. It's so weird to me that a person could go through life the way he does!

New_to_this's picture

I feel like I need to answer to the person who thinks I'm a horrible step mother with different rules for the skids versus my own kids. The one that thinks I treat my skid with disdain to demonstrate control.

I write fairly long posts, but I can't fill in all the details in one, so there is a lot that wasn't said. SS has eating and weight issues. Years ago he was bingeing on bags of potato chips, I repeatedly told DH what was happening, he repeatedly told me to prove it, I gave up, then DH actually found the hundred empty bags, and he decided to stop chips in the house all together because he could only rely on his memory to buy chips when the box was empty, but not to know that he was buying Costco boxes of chips every single week. Stopping the chips all together was the best option in his mind. (We actually went through a few iterations of this before we quit buying chips because we put the box of chips in the pantry leaving only a few bags out and the skids were taking more from the pantry)

Then, DH wanted to limit the sugar consumption of the skids, they were both overweight at the time. They ate lots of sugary cereal. So, he thought that we should get plain cheerios and allow the skids to add sugar. I was on board too. Buuut...the skids managed to use waay more sugar when they were adding on their own, so we went back to sugary cereals. However, since we had allowed the skids to use sugar on their own, they started taking their small container and adding it to everything. I noticed I was replacing sugar a lot and told DH. Since neither of us used the small sugar container and repeatedly telling the skids to slow their sugar consumption wasn't working, I just stopped refilling it and we told the skids no more extra sugar - their processed foods were sweet enough. That was when SS decided to go into my pantry and use the sugar in the big container (the container that stores 5 lbs of sugar).

DH wanted me to just stop buying sugar all together, but I put my foot down! Why should I not bake healthy baked goods or use sugar moderately in my cooking because SS can't control himself.  It was that, along with many other incidences that DH and I made the decision that the skids needed to stay out of the pantry all together, so the sign went up and consequences were put in place. This was what happened over 4 years ago.

Fast forward to now. Granola bars used to be out, but hidden from DS's sight. I don't need a preschooler asking for it all day. But, SS was not eating meals and instead bingeing on granola bars, so those went in the pantry. Again, cookies (when I buy them) are sometimes out, but hidden from DS. The oreos that SS was taking were oreos packaged in sets of two oreos. It was specifically for times that I was out with DS, but didn't want to buy him a whole kid's meal. I could share my meal with him and give him the oreos as a treat. But, honestly, the box was in the pantry for many months, I just never got around to giving them to DS. So, when SS took the oreos, he took half of the packages the first time and the rest the second (there was maybe 12 or 16 of them).

SS should have never known about those oreos, because he should have never been in the pantry. Just like DS never knew the oreos existed either. So, yeah, I also use the pantry to purposely keep stuff hidden away, so that stuff that is only for certain occasions are not being used. That's why DS's juice boxes are in there. It's for his lunch on school days. It's not for SS and not for any kids on the weekends. SS buys his school lunch.

Yes, it sucks for SS. We/I don't leave junk food out for him. He's obese. He is always welcome to eat fruit, veggies, cheese as a snack. If he's actually eaten dinner and is still hungry, I don't deny food at all (I love food and I'm always hungry, so I get it. I just make sure it's healthy) and I encourage treats...for kids who actually eat their dinner. I don't allow any kids to not eat dinner and then try and hit me up for snacks before bed. So, if you think that makes me a control freak. Fine. I'll accept that as my title.

I think the lock is a great idea. Currently, I have a child lock to keep DS away from the pantry. As soon as he figured out how to open doors, that was one of his favorites to open Smile I thought I could get by with that and just have consequences for SS, but that's obviously not happening. I know DH doesn't want SS to feel shamed...ever. But, he's just not following the rules, so I'll have to shame him with either a sign, a lock, or both.

TwoOfUs's picture

You don’t have to explain yourself to that poster. She’s not a stepmom and only ever posts horrible, utterly clueless advice that always amounts to some version of: “Suck it up, petty whining stepmom and think of the KIDS!!!”

Seriously. You can safely ignore.

New_to_this's picture

Oh, and I think it's crappy behavior to steal a 3 year old's food. I can't be sure that SS knew the juice boxes were specifically for DS, but he has to be pretty dumb not to know.

Also, I don't know which skid did it. I assume it was SS, but SD was also home that weekend. But, one of them took DS's candy from a goody bag that he got from a birthday party recently. Now, I don't care because I don't like DS eating a bunch of sweets, so I probably would have offered it up to them anyway. But, yeah...who does that to a 3 year old????

rozzann's picture

Best of luck to you!  I had to throw a fit about DH and my MIL giving SD candy and sugary drinks after I pointed out to DH when we were first dating that her teeth were rotting on the very top.  I will not fully defend him because he only had every other weekend visitation and did brush her teeth.  HOWEVER, how could someone not notice?!  I know her upper lip covered part of it, but I have a hard time understanding how no one could smell the rot on her breath or notice it? After me pointing it out to, then only boyfriend, he pointed it out to BM who made excuses about it.  A year later she finally had a broken tooth extracted, 8 SS crowns and 3 veneered teeth.  Unacceptable to me and especially when you have dental!  (And BM had full custody at that point, which was 3 years ago.  We have had custody the past 2 and the judge lit into BM about the dental neglect).

Fast forward, I am now mean that I do not let her or mine have dessert every night and especially limit any sugary drinks and offer water, milk and at breakfast, OJ.  My MIL told me that SD is going to have an eating disorder because we make her eat healthy and control her diet....lol.  All of this after MIL knows it took us the past two years to get SD eating healthy.  Before we gained full custody, BM would let SD throw up her food at the table and not make her eat anything she didn't like.  So she lived on cheese puffs, chicken fingers, junk food.  

Unfortunately for my MIL we don't care what she thinks.  The kids will have healthy diets and I cook 90% of the time from scratch.  Poor kids are so mistreated....lol.

I commend you for your attempts to keep food separate.  ALL the kids in our home have to ask for snacks or dessert.  This saves our tight budget from binge eating by them when there is healthy meals they should be eating instead.  

Chmmy's picture

Ewww.

Chmmy's picture

I yelled at my DH to get out of the pantry last night when I was cooking dinner. Sorry Im making a healthy dinner... no cookies, fruit snacks or granola bars!

It did sound mean that DS has his own juice boxes and cookies but I get it, if you let a kid graze in the pantry all day they'll eat a box of cookies and no real food...same goes for my sugar loving husband

still learning's picture

I have several tall growing roving eating machines and yes there are a few special snacks that I hide or lock away in a separate location.  Teen boys grow at a crazy rate and eat non stop at times.  My now 22 yr old used to eat 2 plates of food at each meal plus desserts and snacks. My 16 yr old will go through a box of protein bars in a few days if they're left out. I go through a gallon of milk a day.  My other son is an athlete and consumes crazy amounts of calories a day.  

I guess my point is that they will eat, yes sometimes everything in sight. If there are weight or pica issues then those should be medically addressed and yes locks go on the pantry.  Leave healthy filling foods out, bowls of fruit, popcorn, granola, etc.  Put the little ones snacks in a separate place from where the teenager roves.  

IMHO this doesn't have to be a fight. Tweak your approach and how and where you stock the food. Locks can be those magnetic child locks.  

Major Blunder's picture

When SD's lived with us we would hide snacks in our room or they would disappear overnight, they had no sense that the snacks weren't for just them and would plow through the whole cabinet in no time flat, alot of times half eaten snacks were found sometime down the line in one of the other's rooms, and worse yet sometimes their bathroom ( ewwww  ) .