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BM stopped helping out financially long ago.

New_to_this's picture

Just ranting as I process this. I just found out last night that BM has stopped making payments to DH for skid expenses for a long time. DH couldn't tell me exactly how long, but she stopped paying him back for over half a year to up to a year ago. DH was trying to keep it from me, but SD17 told me what was going on and I confronted DH about it.

For background, DH pays for almost all the skids expenses and BM pays him back for it. It's not a specific amount each month, it's based on how much each spend on the skids. Since, DH spends a lot more, BM always owes him money. But, it's better that way. DH is better at being money conscious, so he is not racking up unnecessary expenses on their common expenses. Both are getting the best deal out of DH making the initial payments and BM paying him back. I knew that she was behind by $1k, but I was under the assumption that she was making regular payments and was trying to catch up. She has a good job, so it's not like she's unemployed. But, she always claims she is having financial troubles, which I don't get at all, since I can adjust to live within my means.

I found out that the amount has risen to over $4k. DH told me that he contacts her regularly about paying him (almost every week) and she has been saying that she is trying to sell her second car, but for various reasons, which I won't get into, she has been unable to sell it. So, basically, she's waiting to pay him back in a lump sum, however, she's been talking about selling this car for over half a year, so I'm skeptical that DH will ever see the money. But, it drives me nuts that she is not paying the ongoing expenses either. This amount just keeps rising and she's doing nothing on a regular basis to lower it!

I'm livid about the whole thing. I'm generally a sympathetic person, but I'm so sick of this. Sorry, just needed to get this off my chest. I know that I should just be mad at BM for being useless and DH for keeping it from me, but things like this make me resent the skids and want them to just hurry up, grow up, and get out the h*ll out of my house.


ESMOD's picture

I didn't necessarily read that OP was raging "at" the kids, but using the words livid, resent and "get the H*ll out" are indications of pretty angry feelings surrounding their existence. So, like a lot of us, we don't target our negative emotions towards the actual causes of that resentment. Instead we blame other people because it's easier.

Instead of being angry at her DH for not getting the money, she instead resents the kids for causing that "need".

New_to_this's picture

I appreciate the advice. I am just venting, no outward rage involved. I care about the skids, but...yeah, if I'm being honest, I don't want them around. I hope they grow up successful for a lot of different reasons and I help DH and help them get there, but I really would much rather BM be responsible and her have them full-time. There are so many things that has happened in the past that I really just want the skids to grow up and move out.

I never act on the feelings. They are just feelings.

ItsGrowingOld's picture

We had a customer who's bio son moved out of the customers home. DH went in to clean up after him and his "room" was a physical disaster! Holes in the wall, filthy carpet, etc. The dad said "I finally got him out of here!!" DH said "I don't blame you!"

I'm telling you this to support your statement that bio parents sometimes can't wait for their own offspring to MOVE THE HELL OUT! Biggrin

ESMOD's picture

Maybe it was more like advice? Accept the things that you cannot change? Maybe it would be easier to have the kids in the home if she could remind herself that it really wasn't their fault that this situation exists?

I just saw this response as trying to help the OP deal with the situation without driving herself crazy...

Maybe she was scolding her, but I didn't get that vibe too much.

New_to_this's picture

Nothing is court ordered. They have a written contract about the percentage that each contribute towards kid expenses. It includes medical expenses, clothes, activities, and school related stuff. It doesn't include food or housing expenses.

New_to_this's picture

We've thought about that, but if we take her to court, she still can default and not pay. On top of that, she will risk losing her job and that would be a worse situation for her and the skids, which is not our objective.

If I was in her situation, I would have been making earnest attempts to pay back, but she is not financially smart and possibly also not mentally sound. She will probably try and default rather than pay the debt and that would put her in a worse position.

Acratopotes's picture

DH should learn to tell the skids ask Mum, I did not budget for this.
you should keep all your money out of it and DH can buy food and pay for everything, maybe this will force him to get onto with BM.

Then again if there's no CO, DH is buggered and should simply suck it up, sorry

Steppedonnomore's picture

I read a bit of your back story and you've mentioned that SS is in counseling. Do all of the parents regularly meet with the counselor? Has family counseling ever been considered?

I highly recommend marriage counseling for you and DH. The two of you are not on the same page at all when it comes to BM and skids and it is affecting your relationship. If you and DH can come together on this, then the actions of BM or skids won't be nearly as disruptive for you. I am more bothered by DH keeping things from you than by BM's behavior.

New_to_this's picture

She is high conflict, so I'm not sure if family counseling would work and, honestly, DH would not want to be in the same room with her.

DH and I are in couples therapy. There is a lot of anger and resentment on my end from all of the things that have gone on since I've been in a relationship with DH. To give DH credit, he was keeping this from me to lower my stress about the skids and ex, which in the past, I've told him to keep things from me. But, for the financial issues, I feel differently, because that affects me as well. The other stuff was annoying, but I felt it was different.

I feel bad for DH too, because he has been frustrated about this and has not been able to talk to me about it. But, I don't feel bad enough to take on the stress myself. He married and had children with her. It's his responsibility to deal with the aftermath, imo.

BethAnne's picture

The thing that would make me really mad would be a 17 year old knowing more about the financial situation in my home than I do. Do you and your husband have an agreement not to discuss these expenses or has he been avoiding telling you?

I am so sorry at how this is. It must be very frustrating.

Not sure if it is possible but perhaps your husband and BM can come up with a new agreement? This one isn't working any more. Perhaps one where nothing or only medical expenses are shared and then each parent pays either half of essential bills directly or for things that they want to outside of that without expecting repayment? It might mean the kids miss out a bit but it seems they are aware of who is not paying their way.

New_to_this's picture

They have a common expense form which they fill out for the kids' expenses and each have a percentage that they pay (it's now 50%/50%). So with it being 50/50 now, if one pays more than the other, the other will owe money. BM always owed DH because DH pays for a lot of the skids things as he is a more active parent than she is. She at one point long ago was making monthly payments to DH, but then completely stopped. So now the amount has risen to over $4k that she owes DH. I'm not sure how long the amount has been increasing, but I think it's about a year since she last made a payment.

DH has been trying to keep my out of it. He has probably been trying to get her to pay more of the skids activities and stuff in recent past, but I'm not sure. In any case, it's not that they spent $4k in a year on the skids, it's that she owes him $4k.

ESMOD's picture

I am guessing that this in this situation there is no CS but just a split of incidental and identifiable expenses related to the kids.

Perhaps, it would be good to go to court to get a more formal order of CS that could be applied? It seems as though your DH spends most of the funds and maybe there could be some estimate of typical annual expenses that she would then need to pay to him? Then, her wages could be garnished etc?

Just J's picture

No, that is not at all correct. The OP states they agreed to split expenses 50/50 and her DH is more active with them (which to me means they are in his custody more) and therefore spends more money on them, which the BM agreed to reimburse half of. That is their CS agreement, not no CS. This is not about asking for extra reimbursement, it's asking for half of the children's expenses, which she agreed to.

TwoOfUs's picture

Oh stop it, Just J.

HRNYC is right. SM's are just a bunch of whiny babies who think only BM's should have to pay anything for the kids and have no reasonable gripes at all. Wailing and gnashing of teeth if this story were reversed!!!

Only...we haven't seen this story reversed. What we do see is NCP men or men with 50/50 or even full custody who still have to pay BM CS and all extras. That's what we see. This is very different.

ESMOD's picture

I think that the parents agreed to no CS, but that extra expenses were to be split 50-50. Seems BM agreed and was at one time paying for this but at some point has stopped. I think both parents were keeping track and paying accordingly (BM paid him since he did pay for more of the things).

I actually don't much care for this kind of agreement because it requires a high level of TRUST that the other person won't overspend and obligate the other to half of an extravagant payment.

If the parties can both be reasonable, I guess it could work, but again, trusting someone else to spend my money???? I wouldn't be a fan. We see how difficult it is with seemingly NECESSARY medical expenses... other stuff would be a nightmare to me.

DaizyDuke's picture

If she has a job, and you have a written contact that she is to pay, then you need to take her to small claims court stat. In my state, I believe the max you can go to small claims for is $5,000.00. Odds are she won't even show up, you'll win (either way you'll win because you have a written agreement) and they will garnish her wages. Sure, the money that you get will be bits and pieces but you WILL get it all eventually.

Listen we own a rental that we have been screwed on, I board horses at my barn and I have been screwed and each and every time it's because I've let someone go for too long. If she can't pay $1k, she sure as shit isn't going to pay 4k, so why let it keep racking up??

New_to_this's picture

Just providing an update to this and continue my ranting. DH assures me that she will pay the money back, but I have serious doubts that she will be able to. I think it's best for my mental health to assume that she won't pay it back and that she has and will no longer pay for on-going skid expenses that DH makes payments for, which will be the majority of it.

So, I'll have to assume that we will be paying fully for SS13 to get braces. DH told me that one of the ways that she could pay back is to make her pay for SS's braces, but, I think DH doesn't get what will really happen. What will happen is that BM will say that it's fair for her to do so, but then she'll just never take SS to the orthodontist to begin with. So, DH will of course take him and foot the bill for the braces.

I'm also still upset because I keep thinking about all the things that DH has said to me in the past. There have been instances where DH will ask for my opinion about a skid expense and I will respond that it's expensive, then he will tell me that we are only paying half of it, so it's not. Or, I will say that I don't agree with a certain expense and he will say, "well, it's my money and I want to spend it that way." He might really think that he is going to get paid half of it back, but by not mentioning to me that she hasn't made payments, he was lying to me imo.

Additionally, I stopped working when I had DS2 and have been extra frugal with money and spending. I feel depressed when I think about the fact that I spend so little money on myself and my own child, while everyone else around me spends freely without a care even when they can't afford it.

However, one positive that came out of this was that I had a really honest conversation with DH about my standing in the household. Since I've stopped working I feel like I am powerless and have less of a say about spending (examples are instances I mentioned above). DH saves the money that he makes and I make and save nothing now. DH told me that he considered all the money in our common bank account (the one which we use for paying bills and saving for big joint expenses) as money I could spend however I chose. So, it's up to me to use that money the way I want. So, I think I'm going to put some of it in my retirement account rather than fix up the house.