Detaching has been hard to do. I feel like my mental health improves when I’m able to effectively detach. It’s a freeing feeling to not try and “fix” people constantly. But, I feel like I’m detaching emotionally from my BF. I’m starting to think that we just don’t have the same goals.

I just came back from a vacation at the beach with my BF and his two kids. This vacation was much less frustrating for me than the vacation we took earlier this summer with the kids.

For the vacation earlier this summer, I planned the trip. I did a ton of internet research and picked out places to go, places to eat, and a campground to stay. I did all of this while keeping in mind that my BF didn’t have much money to spend, so I looked for discounted activities, etc. I’m frugal so it is easy for me to want to find ways to budget and save during a vacation. I spent the entire trip trying to keep the kids occupied and content while keeping mindful of the budget. But the kids whined and complained the whole trip. They didn’t want packed lunches, they didn’t want to walk anywhere, they didn’t want to do anything educational, like go to a museum. All they wanted the entire trip was miniature golf, bowling, amusement parks, water parks, eating out at fast food restaurants, and being at the pool or beach. My BF was frustrated with the kids for various legitimate reasons throughout the trip and I was frustrated with all of them. The kids weren’t grateful to be on vacation and they were extremely vocal about it. If they weren’t complaining, then the were playing on their various electronic devices and not helping out. My BF tuned them out (he does that well) so wasn’t disciplining, but I had to listen to everything and stew on the inside.

After that trip, I decided that I couldn’t do vacations with the kids. It wasn’t a vacation because I came home way more stressed than before I left. I talked it over with BF and he agreed with me. We decided that we would change the way that we go on vacation. He and I would have our own vacation (without the kids) where we would do the things that we like (or at least things I like - he doesn’t really care what we do). So, our vacations would include hiking, biking, kayaking, eating at local restaurants, eating healthy, strolling around cities, being in nature, and going to museums. And, the trip with the kids would include only the things that they wanted to do.

This past weekend was the kids’ trip. I detached by keeping myself out of the trip planning (or tried to at least - I have a habit of wanting to plan everything!). Also, I wanted BF to plan the trip, so he was the one saying yes or no to the various activities and he was fully accountable for the money spent on the trip. The reason the kids are whiny is because he allowed them to be. The reason why they only have a palate for fast food is because he created it. The reason why they are wasteful and he is broke is all him. So, he should be the one fully dealing with this. He is the parent and he is responsible for himself and them.

On this trip, we went miniature golfing, we went to the waterpark, we went to the beach multiple times, and we ate out at fast food restaurants two meals a day for the whole trip.

It was not too stressful for me this time. I was along for the ride...not making any decisions. I tried to find healthy options at the fast food restaurants. I tried not to think about the choices my BF and his kids were making at the fast food restaurants. I tried not to think about the money that was being spent on the trip. I just had fun mini golfing, and at the beach, and at the waterpark. I still wouldn’t choose those activities for my vacations and next time, I’ll probably go to a spa, farmers market, or a museum for one of those days while BF takes the kids to the waterpark. I’ll also probably get up early in the mornings and hike while the kids are still asleep or playing video games. I will also pack myself food so I have healthier choices.

The most odd thing for me though is that now that I’m detaching, I’m starting to fantasize about a different life. Since, I no longer try and control and change my BF and his kids, I’m dreadful that this will be my life forever. I now fantasize of having a partner who is healthy and not wasteful. That my partner and I have a child (without any steps) and we enjoy nature and eat fruits and vegetables and we raise our child in a different manner. It’s not that I don’t think my BF’s kids are good kids. They are. But, it’s not the life I want to live and I’m starting to wonder why I’m in this.