I'm thinking of sending this msg to BM regarding my last blog........

I am thinking of sending this to BM regarding my last blog. I want to come across sympathetic to her so that maybe she will be willing to communicate with me about it. I also want to make it clear to her that FH is done trying to be civil with her. If ya'll can think of anything to add or make it less harsh, let me know. I know that it won't be a positive reaction from her but she can't go on thinking it is okay for her to open her mouth and cause drama without any consequences for her actions. Really, FH doesn't want anything to do with either of them but I don't want her pulling some crazy bullshit like she did in the past when he put her in her place. And if she is willing to be civil and let us have SS9 on our own without her involved then that may be okay with FH.

Hey, sorry I haven't been in contact with you lately. I honestly don't know what to do now and I have been thinking of a good solution to the problem.
FH is furious! I haven't seen him this mad in the entire time I have known him, he usually gets over things but this time he hasn't. I don't want to
think that you had anything to with it but I know you have been notified. They (CS services) have started taking CS payments
out of his check and he wasn't given ANY notice! It isn't the point of giving money for SS9 it is the principle of what they did, it isn't right.
It does pose the problem that FH and I can not afford to spend time and take SS9 places and pay that amount of CS. You know we have given
every last dime to make sure SS9 is happy and spend time with him out of the goodness of our hearts. Unfortunately, sometimes that just
isn't enough and in this case I feel that is true. Also, the payroll deductions are the icing on top of the cake. FH wants very much to be a part of
SS9's life but he doesn't feel that he is able to be civil with you anymore. He has had to bite his tongue about a lot of things and now that he
is angry about the payroll deductions, he isn't holding back. I knew that a few things would go against us in the beginning but we all agreed not
to go there, speaking of the past. FH is not in the position to allow you to say things on his behalf that are not true. He has never had a
relationship with you, meaning dating, nor has he felt he ever lead you to believe there was a chance of that or that. FH also overheard us talking a few times and you
mentioning SS9's birth and describing your labor. I don't mind, you know that, but he thinks it's uncalled for and he doesn't want to hear about it.
He heard mention of his friend at the pool and that angered him as well b/c you were making it out like he was spending time with you, which wasn't
the case. I'm not saying this to hurt your feelings or to make you angry, I'm just telling you where FH is coming from. Also, FH is not willing to
be around your family nor does he want you around his, ever. He doesn't feel that it is necessary for that to ever happen. I feel stuck in the middle and
I don't see a solution to the problem. I'd rather you hear this from me than for FH to tell you himself, it wouldn't be pleasant. I don't know if
we can salvage what we had started, I hope it's possible, or can find a solution that works best for all of us. This doesn't mean that our friendship should be
affected or that we can not communicate. I just know that FH has had enough of it and doesn't want to involve himself with you anymore. He feels he
has tried his best and the damage has been done. I'm sorry, I wish I could say something to make it all better, but I can't change his mind. As I said, it
doesn't change the fact that he wants to be part of SS9's life, which is the important thing. Also, it may make it better for you in this case since the
payments are automatically deducted now and we won't have an issue with that anymore. If you want to have coffee and talk about this I would like to do
that, remember it has nothing to do with us or our friendship. Again, I'm sorry, I don't know what to do at this point but I thought you at least needed to
know what's going on and how we may proceed.

NewSM10's blog
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Personally I think you

Personally I think you should stay out of it. I do contact Bm on a lot of things and she me. We don't like each other but respect each other enough to be able to communicate.

However, we NEVER discuss CS or custody issues. This is between DH and BM.

Your DH may not like the situation but it is what it is. It can not be changed. Most of us here pay CS (our DHs do) and it hurts us big time. We can not do a lot of things we would normally afford if not paying CS that is a given.

I agree. Stay out of it. I

I agree. Stay out of it. I really, truly do not think anything good will come of sending this letter.
____________________________________________________________________

Rome wasn't built in a day, and my marriage won't be either.

COMPLETELY AGREE!!! If FH

COMPLETELY AGREE!!! If FH is angry, then let him deal with her. But sending that lett will only end up biting YOU in the butt.

There are many times that I have wanted to tell the troll off, but she isn't worth it.

Okay, the only other option

Okay, the only other option is that FH is going to send her a certified letter. I communicate with BM on a regular basis over facebook and have had to hang out with her several times when she made her drunken confessions. That is why I feel like I should say something first to try and smooth things over, b/c if I just delete her off my facebook and send a letter she is going to be more angry. Especially since I have been the one in contact with her and had to spend the most time with her. BM feels like we are friends (as nauseating as that sounds) so that is why I feel I need to send her this. We don't care if anything good comes out of it, as I said it needs to be addressed. I don't know, I think that just deleting her off my facebook page with no explanation would make her more angry than this message I send. So, do ya'll suggest I do that? Delete her off my facebook page without any explanation, although I know she knows what she has said in the past was inappropriate, and have FH send her a letter? I have been the mediator in the past and FH and BM do not talk besides minimal small talk when we have to be around her. He deals with her husband not her, she is intimidated to even talk to FH. What should we do?

Not your place at all to

Not your place at all to communicate like this. I would call it a major major overstep.

I understand you all feeling

I understand you all feeling that it is not my place to communicate with her, I agree. In a different circumstance I would not have contact with her. BM found me on facebook and started communicating with me, I did not come to her first. That is how all of this came about. I should have honestly ignored her and not responded in the first place. My mistake. I thought that things would have been okay, BM said she had changed and was willing to be civil so that FH could be in his bio son's life. That all changed quickly and now I am stuck in the middle. I agree I should have never started contact with her in the first place. It was going okay, me being the mediator so that FH could have some kind of relationship with his bio son but it quickly became all about BM. I have put myself in such a really bad situation that I can not get out of. BM has tried to befriend me and lean on me which I do not feel comfortable with and makes this entire situation even more difficult now that shit has hit the fan-so to speak. I don't know what to do, delete her off my facebook (she requested me as a friend, didn't want to accept but thought it would make her mad if I didn't) and just not say anything? Have FH send her a certified letter?

I agree with all of you that I should have never put myself in that situation. How do I fix it? What do I do next? I know that if I just delete her off with no explanation then she will be even more pissed. FH doesn't mind telling her like it is but it won't be pleasant and she will go right back to wanting to sink his ship every chance she gets. That's why I thought, as the mediator, I would step in and give her some explanation. I have always been the one to communicate with her so it won't be weird for her to get a message from me.

you just need to somehow

you just need to somehow understand this is not your problem. at all. it is his. and you just need to stay out of it. period.

I agree with everyone else.

I agree with everyone else. NSM10, I am sure your heart is in the right place, but there is no way in hell this will not backfire. You should not send this. You should stay out of it. Your DH needs to do all the communicating on this in his name.

I know it's tough not to get involved, especially when she has contacted you about things. But it will not go well. Trust those of us who have been there.

You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. - 2BLoved

I know what you all mean.

I know what you all mean. Speaking of facebook, I made a little comment today saying that I am wishing for more calm than chaos! BM must have been online and sent me a message only minutes later.....I noticed your facebook status, is everything ok??? I want to say um no and that was directed at you. I feel like now I have to send her back a response on facebook.

As I said before, FH doesn't have a problem putting her in her place. It will definitely make things worse b/c he will not be pleasant in laying down the rules for her. He is just not sure how to do it, by letter or by phone????? He has never directly spoken to her, we all sat down together with BM and her husband. So he doesn't feel comfortable calling her on the phone. Now, should I respond to her facebook message or just delete her off? I feel like things will never be civil if I just delete her off. I think that is the only reason that I am willing to mediate so that there is some hope in being civil.

Or, should I respond, just not give to much detail? Can anyone suggest something that I should say to her?

I would love to say a

I would love to say a million things to BM. But - I kind of feel like the letter you are writing is what your FH needs to tell her himself. It's almost like he was telling you what to say to her? If this is how he feels about everything he needs to grow some balls and tell her. My FH tells his ex he will be civil with her family but he does not want her family forced upon him. They are no longer married he wants to stay away from them as he is gaining a new family.

I really hate facebook. YOUR Facebook is YOUR facebook. If BM EVER added me as a friend I would decline her without even thinking about it. FH is not friends with her. Neither am I. We keep her as far out of our lives as we can. You two should do that same. Just worry about the kiddo.

As far as CS goes too...there's nothing YOU can do about it. The state does what it wants.

So, I am with the majority - let HIM deal with it. She is NOT your friend...take BLM's advice. Keep your friends close and your enemies closer...that is what she is doing.

I totally agree with the

I totally agree with the others that 1) you should not get involved with the CS issue. I know how you feel like you're in the middle...but she's not YOUR ex with with your child. And 2) as far as friendship goes...no one friend owes another anything...otherwise a lot of us would be emotional prostitutes and pimps. That's my general opinion to friendship. A "friendship" with my bf's ex is no way in hell possible. She can believe what she wants, but I have never, nor will I ever, invite her to take part in my life on that level. If you feel like you're in the middle, stop feeling that way. You're not. She is HIS ex, not yours. Not your problem! Don't let either of them give you the feeling that it is!

Good luck!

I agree with all of you. The

I agree with all of you. The deal is that BM was never FH's ex, he never had interaction with her besides that one night and her psycho efforts to trap him in the past. That is why this entire situation is odd, FH and BM don't know each other! It should make it easier but it doesn't b/c she hasn't gotten over the fact that FH never liked her! She has had this deep seeded hatred for him and has wanted him to suffer. I agree though, I am not the one who made the mistake, he did. His responsibility. I thought since I was the one mediating in the past that I should try to keep the peace. It's not my problem, you all are right, she doesn't need to think we are friends.

We have come up with a solution. FH is going to send her a message himself, through his personal email (one that he doesn't use anymore) so it is in his name, from him. He will not give her his personal phone number, she has mine, so he is not going to call her. It would get even uglier if he did that. We have both realized that their is no salvaging a civil relationship which means sadly that she has run SS's bio father out of his life again. It isn't fair but it was her choice she has made by her actions. If by some chance we come across thousands of dollars to take her to court then we will fight for visitation. We just don't have that kind of money laying around. It's really sad and I'm sure she is going to go psycho and do something irrational to get back at him. I just don't understand why a woman wouldn't do what is best for her child. It puzzles me.

About the child support, it isn't about paying the child support. Read my last blog. It is about FH and I making effort to be civil so we can all get along and she pulls her bullshit by ordering it deducted. FH had a previous job for three years and they never deducted the CS and she got our address from the bday card earlier this month and now it is deducted (FH's work truck is parked in the front of our house). It is the fact that she isn't playing fair. She thought she was going to be sly and we wouldn't figure it out. We aren't stupid! If they were that quick to start deductions then they would have certainly done that at his last job. His work truck out front might as well had a sign on the side of it saying "Free information" on the side of it. That is the point of him being angry.

In our state, you can get

In our state, you can get visitation through the CS order. Contact whatever state agency adminstrates child support - probably the attorney general's office or the closest CS office and tell them the problem. Actually, your DH needs to do this. They won't tell you anything.

Also, you need a copy of the current CS order, more than likely, one is on its way to you and it's possible visitation is already outlined in that. I would do some double checking before you or your FH went off half-cocked.

I think it's strange that you equate your husband's wages being garnished with removal of his kid from his life.

thanks for the advice. The

thanks for the advice. The child support order is from 2003, he had the choice to add visitation but at that time FH was 19 and really didn't know what to do. We have consulted a lawyer in our state, GA, and he said for FH to go back and file for visitation it would cost us $2,000. That doesn't include anything else, not even for FH to legitimize which our state requires since he isn't on the birth certificate. I think the entire system is messed up. A paternity test is all they need to have him pay CS but not enough to give him his rights automatically. So that's why I said that it is all up to BM, FH has not rights and we can't afford to take her to court.

In our state (and others

In our state (and others I've learned from reading here) a CS hearing can be requested every 3 years for modifications. You don't need a lawyer for that. Call the CS adminstrator and ask them what you need to do to get one.

DH may have to pay more if his salary is higher than what it was when it was last assessed. But he can get visitation spelled out during that hearing.

Oh, I will have to look into

Oh, I will have to look into that then. the only problem is how we could legitimize without court cost. I think that is the problem. I haven't asked the CS officials only lawyers. I will call and inquire about it. Thanks!

Also in our state, the fact

Also in our state, the fact that the man has paid child support for years is legitimate enough. My DH is not on one of the skid's birth certificates (probably cause he's not her dad) but because he paid BM and she claimed he was to receive child support, DH got custody of her.

I agree with all of you. The

Oh, and a big thank you to all of you who made me realize that I needed to stay out of it. That was the purpose of letting you all read it and give me feedback.

You are here

I'm thinking of sending this msg to BM regarding my last blog........

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