My husband and SS9's mother were never together, and they have no legal agreements for custody. They have split up custody based on, essentially tradition. SS9 is with us every other weekend (my husband does 100% of driving, 1.5 hours each way), we typically have him for Thanksgiving, and -pick him up in the afternoon on Christmas (which ends up being 6 hours driving on Christmas), Easter is whoever would normally have him that weekend, same with other holidays unless someone specifically requests he stays with them. SS9's mom recently went through a divorce, and is dating a new guy. She has been giving us a much harder time, pushing for scheduling that clearly favors her. I am having issues processing and dealing with my frustrations about this. My husband doesn't want to do anything to push her buttons that could make our dealing with her more difficult, and does not want to talk about the issues that are arising.

So far this year BM has asked to have SS9 for Halloween, (we had him per usual for Thanksgiving, and she got the bulk of Christmas), For us to have him on New Years, and Valentine's day weekend (we got married this year, and had concert tickets to celebrate our first vday... but said yes), she wants him for Easter, July 4th, and for Thanksgiving next year.

If you are keeping track, to me that feels like she wants him for all of the kid-fun holidays and for us to have him for all of the adult ones where we might have liked to spend time just the two of us. I do not have a problem having my stepson around for adult holidays (though I am sad we already have plans we now have to cancel), but I feel like she can't take all of the fun kid times, and leave us with the times that are inconvenient for her. We are his family too, not convenient babysitters.

My issues with her inconsideration of us are hitting a real fever pitch, and I just don't know how to deal with my feelings about them. Recently, we found out her mother has been talking down to SS9, saying he acts out because he has no dad, and calling us (and him!) Dirty [Lastname]s. She promised to speak to her mother about how harmful that sort of talk is to him, but did not. She also promised, for over a year, to get SS9 therapy to help him work through his feelings after her divorce from a stepdad he loved. She never did that - and SS9 has been having a really hard time processing his emotions over the divorce, and acting out as a result.

I am sick of trying to coparent with a woman who seems to be advocating only for her own best interests, and not considering at all the impact on her son and on our family. There is no outright animosity in our dealings... but because my husband wants to maintain cordial dealing over advocating for our best interests, I just feel snowplowed. I do not want to set up a protocol where we spend all fun family holidays in the car, trying to get in a few hours with him, or no having him at all, and all the time I would like to spend with my husband (where if he lived with us full time I might get a sitter) acting as a sitter so she can go have fun with her new boyfriend.

How do I deal? Forcing my husband to advocate for us is not an option - he is not going to fight with her. I am looking for how to handle my own frustrations and emotions in productive ways. Or maybe a little sympathy, I guess.