how many more supervised visits do we have to have???????? We are his parents too!
Okay, so this was the second visit with SS soon to be 9, with both sets of parents. We had already met the other parents once before that for a total of 3 times. SS9 has already expressed that he wants to go to our house and spend the night with us. He has adjusted extremely well and is already attached to us. He says he doesn't want us to ever leave him! So sweet! Anyway, BM is now scheduling another group visit, or might I say supervised visit with them. How many more supervised visits are necessary?????? I mean, it is hard enough for FH to be civil and be in the same room with BM. He can't stand to look at her face. We really do get along when we are all together but how well are we suppose to know the other parents? I agree that we should get to know the other parents a little better but I'm thinking one or two more visits should be fine. What does everyone think? I know our situation is a little different considering FH hasn't been around the child for 8 years. Is BM trying to be to controlling or unable to let go of the aprons strings? I guess it is really up to her when she decides we can have him on our own.
Also, the in laws are wanting us to bring SS9 out of state, 4 hours away, to visit them for a weekend. Not sure when clingy BM will let that happen but those are SS's grandparents. I mean WE ARE HIS PARENTS TOO! We also want to take SS9 to get pictures taken with just our little family, but BM suggested we all go together (and have individual family pics done in one sitting). FH said absolutely not! But we would like some pictures of the three of us to send to our families. I guess I understand her being a little controlling and overbearing b/c it is her child but she was the one who wanted all of this. She wanted FH back in the child's life and said she wanted nothing more than to have him know his son. Well, we have shown that we will do well with him and he is very attached already, so what is the problem? At this point, I wait and let her decide what to do the next visit and waiting for her to suggest we take him on our own. I am aware that it is ultimately her decision. I hate that everything is in BM's control!!!!!!!!
- NewSM10's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
Oh... I wish she would say
Oh... I wish she would say they were "supervised" because then visitation would end!!!
I know, I don't really know
I know, I don't really know what to think. She just keeps setting up visits, doesn't call them supervised but that is what it is. Not really sure why, so she can torture FH with the sight of her ugly face? Is she afraid that once she lets go of the apron strings that she will have limited time to see FH? Well that is true b/c he is waiting for the day when he just has to say "Hi and Bye" while dropping off SS9. BM still does not talk to FH directly, she goes through me which is okay, I actually prefer that. I can tell also that the supervised visits and time we have to spend with them is wearing on BM's husband. He has to work long hours and is spending every off day with us. I can't imagine how he feels, I am sure he is ready for us to take him every other weekend.
No, not at this time b/c it
No, not at this time b/c it is really expensive. We already had a consult with a lawyer (before BM contacted me out of the blue and said she wanted to be civil) and it would cost us $2,000 to file for visitation. Also, b/c it was a one night stand FH isn't on SS9's birth certificate so he legally doesn't have rights to the child. He would have to file for legitimation in our state to be added on the birth certificate and actually have legal rights. Of course a paternity test was ordered by FH before he agreed to pay any child support. FH doesn't want to legitimize the child nor do we want to pay that amount of money. I mean, we still can't afford to get married and go on a much needed honeymoon, he is still saving for my engagement ring. So right now we are happy to have visitation without the the court cost. BM said she preferred that we not take it to court. Can anyone think of reasons why she doesn't want it to go to court? I'm still trying to find out her motives behind that one?????? BM said that it would allow us to go at our own speed as far as visitation. Who knows....
I was afraid of that. I
I was afraid of that. I guess I would want to be in control of my own child's life too. BM is reasonable now, she wasn't at all in the past, and has it in her to be that way in the future. It has helped that she is now married and not so hell bent on making FH's life miserable b/c he didn't like her. I guess we will just have a few more "supervised" visitations then just tell them that we want to take him on a few day dates alone. Then after a few day dates we can have him start coming to our house to spend the night. Still not sure how to bring up visiting the grandparents out of state but I guess we will cross that bridge when we get to it.
IMHO, I think this seems to
IMHO, I think this seems to be going at a somewhat good rate. The picture think is over the top, but otherwise if I was a mother and the child had not known the father for 8 years, I would handle it much the same. In the same regard at this time, I would go the day visit route then to the overnights. As far as not having it through the court their are always pros and cons to both. You can pay all the money and she still can withold visitation and you are back in court with more money again. Not in court, you can have a wonderful set visitation and she can get a bug up her butt and cease everything. Difficult to say. If she is being reasonable and seems to be acting in the best interest of the child, I would continue, but be weary, reason changes and so may she. Good Luck!
Yes, I thought it was odd
Yes, I thought it was odd that the in laws wanted us to bring him up to visit them. It is true that they should come down and stay with us for his first visit. I will suggest that to them and tell them it may be more comfortable for SS to meet them where he is most comfortable. About the BM you are all right, I guess I will just have to let her move at her own pace for fear she may not cooperate. Unfortunately, BM's do have more control in the situation b/c they gave birth to the child. I guess at this point we shouldn't really complain. We only have to see the other parents (i.e HER) every other weekend for a few hours at a time. I think that if she prolongs "supervised" visitation past a few more visits we will suggest day dates. Eventually she will have to realize that we need alone time so that we can really bond with the child. We also need alone time so we can feel out how our own little family is going to be with the new addition.
Also, having to actually interact with BM is causing issues as well. She told me that they were wanting to sell their tiny starter home and upgrade to a larger home. All the while they are poor mouthing and at one time she was pushing FH to pay off all his arrears and let her husband adopt. Oh, and bragging about all the home improvements they were going to do once they got their tax money back so they can sell the house (keep in mind she gets $2,000 back per year for SS). I wanted to say, must be nice to get money back, FH has been paying thousands of dollars per year for a child and hasn't gotten anything in return. And I am glad that our extra $400 per month is allowing them to upgrade their home while SHE DOESN'T EVEN HAVE A JOB!!!!!!!!
Until your BF goes to court
Until your BF goes to court and gets a custody order in effect, you are going to have to deal with BM's control. End of story. Your BF was not in his child's life for 8 years. I can see how BM would be wary to just let him go overnight and away from her. Was he paying any child support during those years? He had paternity established. Did he try to get custody of the child while mom was in jail? What did he do to stop this from happening?
And about tax refunds. Yeah my fiance gets them because he has custody. If your BF wanted taxes back, he should have gotten custody while mom was away. Then again, $2000 is a drop in the bucket compared to what is spent on a child in a year. Child support doesn't usually cover half of a child's expenses either. Especially since it sounds like BF didn't pay CS for years. And CS shouldn't have to be court ordered. A parent should want to contribute to their child's upbringing. Sorry if this part sounds a little bitter. I am very bitter about parents who won't pay child support. BM in my sitch has never paid one cent of child support in 9 years for 4 kids because the court won't order it. Selfish, imo. They are her children, so she should want to pay something. I pay for things for her kids and when we get married in 2 months, I'll be keeping my own account so I don't feel like I pay CS for her. Same with your BF. He knew it was his child. I hope he was paying something for 8 years. Whether the money is going to rent, utilities, groceries or clothes, it doesn't matter. All those things benefit the child and that is what CS is for. To make sure child is taken care of.
I would take yourself out of this equation right now. You sound bitter, maybe with good reason. I don't know. Let your BF get to know his son. Definitely have his parents visit. Don't go up there with the child. They need to come to you.
If you want your situation to change, BF has to change it. Get a court ordered custody agreement with an agreed order of child support/arrears. Then and only then will your sitch change. Until then, you'll have to live by BM's rules and have to deal with it.
Jen
Thanks for your input Jen.
Thanks for your input Jen. To answer your question, Yes FH paid BM non court ordered CS once he got the results back and found out the child was his. He ordered paternity a month after SS was born so almost since day one b/c he felt obligated to support his bio child. That is how BM stole money from him in the first place. FH was sending her CS checks out of his personal account, she then got a job at the bank where his checks were drawn and cleaned out his acct and started using his SS#. It was stupid b/c she was easily linked back to it and now has a felony. She got out of jail after a few days, got first offenders, and put on house arrest. FH did not press additional charges for the SS# b/c he knew the child needed his mother, otherwise she would still be sitting in jail today. She just finished serving her 5 years probation not too long ago.
Honestly, the only thing that doesn't make me bitter is being involved. We don't mind paying CS, especially now that we see him but it has been hard. It was her choice to keep the child, after a one night stand, knowing that FH did not want anything to do with her. He feels she knows what she got herself into so she should have to pay a majority to support the child, it was HER choice. She also had the nerve to reference in a story she was telling me about how some girl probably got a guy drunk so she could trap him. Hmmmm, like you tried to do with FH???? Sounds familiar. Only psycho's think that way.
Anyway, it isn't easy. I love my FH and this is just extra baggage that comes with him. Hasn't been easy but SS really loves being around us. He is so attached to both of us and I wouldn't have it any other way. Just wish his mother would let go of the strings and let us have some alone time so we can bond with him. I just don't like hearing that she isn't using the child support that we give to support the child. We shouldn't be paying for her to renovate her house. Ya know.
you know i get your
you know i get your frustration...BUT...
he has not seen SS in 8 yrs. and frankly, i think a man should be responsible for his kid. what you listed are excuses. you guys cannot afford a CO, and do not want to pay full CO support for the child...after all you need a honeymoon! BUT instead of paying fully for that child, you want visitation witht he child and full physical parental rights with the child on your time.
if i was the BM i would say HELL NO.
if your guy wants a full relationship with his son then he has to take full responsibility. and I am sorry but that means paying support and legitimizing the child.
and don't you think it is a bit weird to have family pics with a kid you have met 3 times???
Wait a minute. We pay full
Wait a minute. We pay full child support for the child. Not getting offensive but not sure where you guys got that. FH has paid all but one year when he was laid off b/c of the economy but we are paying extra per month to make up for it. He paid out of his own pocket until she stole his money, non court ordered for the first year, I explained that in a previous message. Now that we are seeing SS9 we are paying out even more per month. THAT ISN'T MY PROBLEM....IT'S THAT BM HASN'T HAD A JOB FOR A YEAR and brags about all the money SHE ISN'T putting towards SS9! The reason for not legitimizing the child at this point is the $2,000+ court fees. Also, he has a second father, BM's husband, so there is no point in having only one father listed on the birth certificate.
I appreciate everyone's honesty. I was just asking how many more supervised visits everyone felt was necessary. That's all.
Lastly, no one could say what they would have done in FH's situation when he was 17 and yes he made a big mistake by having unprotected sex while intoxicated. I'm not trying to make excuses for that. I don't know why everyone who is in a situation with a psycho BM doesn't understand why I am venting. What else was he suppose to do? She made it difficult for him to ever see his child then she steals his money. Yes, if he could have paid court cost at 18, his parents wouldn't help, to establish visitation without dealing with her maybe he would have. Yes, I get angry and bitter b/c no matter how nice BM is I still wish I could wake up and not be in this situation. And after reading blogs from most people on here I am not alone. And yes it is hard for me to deal with the extra expenses and CS b/c I feel like his mistake is prolonging our happiness. It is getting easier and easier each time I see SS9 to not feel that way. FH DOES feel that he should have to support his bio child, he never has felt that he shouldn't be obligated. The way I feel is different b/c it is not my biological child. That is why I am on this sight to get advice and support from other people who are in the same situation. To be able to vent about my situation without being judged by people who don't understand. That is the point of this sight, isn't it???? Again, I think everyone for their opinions and it does open my eyes to what others may perceive how I express myself in this situation. Maybe I need to make myself more clear next time.