trying to establish boundaries while playing nice with BM and her husband
So, this Friday will be the second meeting with SS8, BM and her husband. We are now establishing visitation with child after 8 years. Long story short it was a one night stand and BM was psycho in the past and is now a changed women (in her own words) so we are in communication with her and child now. Anyway, BM has stated to me that she would like FH and I to attend SS8 birthday party with her family in a few weeks and in the future. FH and I do not want to have interaction with her family nor does FH or I want her to have anything to do with his. A door was slightly opened in the past when FH's mother went behind his back to befriend BM for the sake of the grandchild, so she has met his parents and siblings, without his consent. Now BM thinks that she can be friends with FH's sister on facebook. BM contacted me for the first time on facebook and eventually she requested me to be her friend, so I accepted. I really thought she over stepped her boundaries when she added his sister on her page, granted she really doesn't know her. So now I feel like she is trying to step one foot in his family circle. BM has NO PLACE IN HIS FAMILY!!!!! I know that she got knocked up by my FH but that gives her no right to be part of his family. Remember she was a one night stand and was never welcomed by FH into his family. Sorry just venting for a minute. Back to my concern. We are actually getting along really well, FH and I, with she and her husband. Not too thrilled about the kid, I think he is a hyper brat and think I have gotten way over my head with that one. Anyway, how do we tell her nicely that we are not going to be involved with her family nor does FH want her involved with his. We have no problem seeing BM and her husband for the sake of the child but that is where we draw the line. Unfortunately, right now we have to see them more often than we would like b/c we are also trying to get to know the child. I know communication with BM is important and her husband is really nice so we don't want to cause any hard feelings. Any suggestions on how to nicely tell her that she is not welcome in his family nor do we want to attend activities with her family?
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i would just let her know
i would just let her know that it would make you two feel extremely uncomfortable so you won't be attending the party. But you would like to get together maybe the day after or before his b-day to give a gift and see SS.
I dont know if I would go
I dont know if I would go there yet.
"if you don't have anything nice to say, then shut the fuck up."
www.bonusfamilies.com These
www.bonusfamilies.com
These guys are professionals.
Maybe suggest coming over before the relatives show up, or after they leave? Have you talked to SS? Does he want you guys there, with everyone else?
Is there any way you could
Is there any way you could compromise with FH's family?
I don't think they reached out to her to upset FH or yourself. I think they did this so they can see their grandson and communicate with him as much as possible. I think that is a good thing, and if they want to be friends with BM on their own time, fine. However, I do think you need to draw the line at family gatherings, except weddings, graduations and funerals, if it would make you feel better.
I grew up in a divorced/blended family and my mom remained friends with my dad's family. But she didn't come to family gatherings such as Christmas or birthday parties. My dad's family never talked about their friendship with her around my stepmother as they wanted to be respectful my stepmother's feelings. My mom would come to family funerals but she came to support me and she sat in the back and didn't draw attention to herself.
I think that if you and FH sit down with BM and her DH at a place where you're all comfortable, I think you can work out boundaries that will work for all of you, SS included.
I also agree with Thetis. Check out the Bonus Families website link she posted. That site is run by two women who get along well for the kids involved in their situation. One woman is the SM and the other is the BM. You might also want to consider reading "Nobody's the B*tch," which was written by two women- one a BM and one a SM.
so you think we should wait
so you think we should wait until we are more comfortable with them? or just not say anything general and just deal with a case by case basis. I have already told her that when FH attended SS8's first birthday party with her family (I was not around back then) that they were extremely rude to he and his mother and made him feel very unwanted. BM also said that her family STILL does not want to accept FH into SS's life. So I think that will be enough to dodge the birthday bullet and we have offered to meet them for a second party with just the five of us. I think eventually she will get the hint.
If I were in your shoes, not
If I were in your shoes, not saying that this is your style, but I would do this:
Obviously your dh wants to have a relationship with his child, and in order to do that long term, bm and bm's family are going to be in yalls lives basically until you die. Given that, obviously you are going to want to have at least a civil relationship with them if you can. Since it is so early in the "getting to know you" / "feeling you out" stage... I would just grit my teeth and bear it this one time. I wouldnt say anything about not wanting to be around her family. period. just do it - its like three hours at the most. That will show them that you are willing to be civil and friendly and the next time they want to do something with her family there you can politely say that you have prior engagements without looking bad.
"if you don't have anything nice to say, then shut the fuck up."
So it sucks that the BM was
So it sucks that the BM was psycho and created a situation where your DH didn't feel he could be in his child's life. But your DH needs to accept some of the responsibility for the situation in which you now find yourself because the fact of the matter is, regardless of the psycho BM he could have and should have fought for his parental rights early on.
In order to form a relationship with and an attachment to the child you are going to have to be involved on some level with the BM for a while. Hopefully you are moving towards visitation that is independent of the BM. This can be as simple as dinner just the two of them a couple of nights per week. While it's important for you to know the child, it's more important that FH develop a relationship with the child that is also independent of you.
Eventually, the hope would be that the comfort level would be great enough that he will want to spend weekends or overnights with FH, I'm assuming. And at the point that you are having that independent time with SS, you can throw him your own birthday parties to celebrate with FH's family and without attending the party that she is throwing.
But I actually think that at this point it would probably be really healthy for SS to see that his birth father's family is interacting well with his BM and her family. It might increase his comfort level with you and your FH and might speed the process of getting to know one another and spending time together without his BM.
thanks for the advice
thanks for the advice Anon2009, that helps a lot. I hope that BM realizes that she really has no place in his family and that we will never feel comfortable with hers. I think the only time we should all come together is like you said his wedding, graduation and that's about it. I really think that BM wants to show of FH to her family. I know this is shallow but he has always been way out of her league and she's that type of person. BM acted like a giddy school girl the first time she saw FH in 8 years (even in front of her husband). It was really annoying. So, I'm not sure what BM's reasoning for wanting us to be put in the snake pit that is her family but I have my suspicions. I just don't think it is normal for us to celebrate SS's birthdays with HER family. They really shouldn't even know what we, myself or FH, look like in my opinion.
Yes it is unfortunate that
Yes it is unfortunate that she has caused so much drama in the past, even went as far as getting a job at the bank in which FH was sending support checks, not court ordered at the time, and stole his money and SS#. She has a felony on her record. FH has put a lot of anger towards her aside to now be able to be in the same room with her for the sake of the child. It has only been a few months now and we have only met the child two weeks ago, well FH hasn't seen him since he was a year old, the first bday I was telling about above. It would be much easier if HER family actually accepted us but that is not the case. I don't think it is appropriate at this time, considering we are only at the first stages of visitation and that they will be unwelcoming. I think that is the main problem. It is rude for BM to even put us in that situation. As I said not sure exactly what her motives really are. We can celebrate with just the five of us, meaning BM and her husband, which I am sure SS would love having a second birthday.
I think you should tell BF
I think you should tell BF how you feel, and if he feels the same way, then he should definitely let her know that he while he will not be attending ss10's bday party, he will at least call to wish him a happy bday. Then the next time he gets him, you guys can plan your own bday party or celebration or take him out or whatever it is you want to do for ss. Whatever BF's family does is beyond your control, but you CAN control yourself and your actions. Hope this helped...
luckily BF/FH feels the same
luckily BF/FH feels the same way. sm27 you are right, I can control myself and we can control our actions. FH can also express to his family, mainly his sister and mother, that he would prefer that they not communicate with BM. His family can see SS on our time if they wish and FH and I feel very strongly that they not have contact with BM. It has been years since his mother has spoken to BM and his sister only through facebook when BM was trying to get a message to FH. I think it will be okay at this point but I'm not sure how many times we can politely decline her wishes. She has mentioned it numerous times to me, never in front of FH, and I have nicely told her it wasn't a good idea. I will be very irritated if she does mention it again. I mean it should be enough to her family that FH is now involved and spending time with SS, they don't need to physically see him to be convinced. I think it will only confuse the poor kids considering he now has 4 parents, her family, new dad's family, FH's family and my family. I couldn't keep up with it all myself if I were nine!
Thetis, I did check out that website which has some really great advice. However, it is geared toward blending divorce families and not so much like our situation. It is so frustrating b/c nothing tells you how to deal with someone you never had a relationship with. I mean, I know BM has issues in the past and still now about FH not wanting anything to do with her, ever. He was drunk and wasn't attracted to in the least bit while sober. I am sure that was a low blow to her but now that she is married I think she has come to terms with it. She has in the past gone to extremes out of jealousy, I imagine, to sink FH ship any chance she could get. I just hope that BM continues to be civil and not go back to her crazy ways. She did start asking a lot of questions when she found out FH and I were wanting children in the near future. I just hope that doesn't draw out jealousy when she sees what a devoted father he is to our child. I think she is okay with me only due to the fact that FH wouldn't even be around if I hadn't stood behind him through all of this. I guess only time will tell.
Again, thank you everyone
Again, thank you everyone for your input and advice. You all are making a world of difference in my life right now and I am grateful for each and every one of you!
Go to court and get a
Go to court and get a visitation order. That takes much of the control out of BM's hands and allows Dad and you to have a relationship with his daughter that is independent of BM and her family.
Just my thoughts of course.
Best regards,
Success is rarely final. Failure is rarely fatal. It is character, courage and consistency of effort that count. Vince Lombardi (with some minor Rags modifications) To each according to their performance, screw Karl Marx. (Rags)
Best idea yet. Then he
Best idea yet. Then he won't have to feel forced into certain activities and fall into the guilty parenting thing. This would definitely take away the BM's edge...
We are our Son's (My SS)
We are our Son's (My SS) custodial household. It may seem strange that we have highly manipulative NCP issues but the SpermClan are a bunch of toothless manipulative dipshits. The only way we have been able to minimize the drama they attempt to put on my Skid is with the Judgement. We roll it up and smack them about the head and shoulders with it regularly when they are getting stupid.
However, it does cut both ways. They can't get to far out of line because of the Judgement and we have to adhere to it also. Sometimes it is difficult for us to comply with its structure when we want to deviate. Occasionally we do deviate primarily because what BioDad and the SpermClan don't know won't hurt us and they have no resources to smack us if we do choose to get creative in our application of the Judgement and they find out.
I know, not exactly fair but the fact remains that a court order/Judgement is a tool that can be used to manage the situation for the best interest of the Skid and to control the blended family opposition drama.
Best regards,
Success is rarely final. Failure is rarely fatal. It is character, courage and consistency of effort that count. Vince Lombardi (with some minor Rags modifications) To each according to their performance, screw Karl Marx. (Rags)
You know we were thinking of
You know we were thinking of that first. We were going to have a mediator to interact since BM used to be psycho. The only reason we didn't follow through was the $2,000 court fees to file for visitation. I don't know why it is so much. I wanted to file the papers myself but the lawyer just laughed in my face and said he would revise them himself before submitting them. I filled out and filed my own divorce papers, bought the packet from staples, and submitted them to the courts myself (yes I am divorced from previous husband). I think I am capable! Sorry it just makes me mad. haha. So, then somehow BM finds me on facebook and sends me a somewhat nasty message, and addressing it like I don't even know about SS, saying she wants FH to get up to date on his CS and sign over his rights. Which I laughed b/c really he doesn't have any rights, he isn't on the birth certificate and in GA you have to file for legitimation. Of course the paternity test proved he was the father so he is obligated to pay child support. Anyway, I told her that FH felt obligated to pay the CS and that the only reason he was ever behind was b/c he lost his job and not b/c he didn't care for bio son. And that he lives with guilt everyday for not being part of sons life and listed the reasons SHE has made it difficult for him to be around (i.e stealing his money, being a spiteful witch, ect). She sent her apologies to FH through me and said that she has wanted him to be part of SS's life for some time now (even though she is now married and the kid has a father) and would love for us all to be one big happy family. Which sorry but that will never happen, i.e what I was venting about earlier in my blog. But nonetheless we are now trying to make this whole crazy thing work.
Yes, I do feel that court ordered visitation would be ideal to keep her in line and may be worth the $2,000 if she decides to revert back to her old psycho ways. It is definitely a back up that we have in the back of our minds. I am soooo tired of feeling like I have to be super nice to her. She has tried to sink FH's ship any chance she got. Now she says she understands where he is coming from and didn't know that he actually cared for the illegitimate child. Really she has not right at all to know how FH feels about the child. You just don't get that luxury when you conceive a child with a man that you don't even know, he only knew her for maybe a few hours when it happened. I was just nice enough to let her in on his feelings, which has now made her grow some sort of conscience about keeping him from his child all of these years. FH really felt like she only kept the child to trap him. She originally hunted him down to say that she was going to abort the child (now I am seeing the real reason as I am typing as why would she have not just aborted and he would have never known about the conception....hmmmmm) and then called him back to tell him that she was keeping it and their was nothing he could do. She even had her friend call while she was six months pregnant to give FH ( who at the time still 17 and a senior in high school) a call to cuss him out for not being there while she was pregnant and she was going through a really hard time. Of course FH didn't care considering he really didn't think the two seconds of drunken idiocy really conceived a child and she must have been a huge whore (pardon my language) considering she had sex with him after only a few hours of knowing him. SORRY I KNOW THIS RESPONSE HAS GOTTEN LONG....JUST VENTING! thank you for your patience while reading this. Anyway, now I am not sure what the point of the rant was.......???? haha.
You know we were thinking of
You know we were thinking of that first. We were going to have a mediator to interact since BM used to be psycho. The only reason we didn't follow through was the $2,000 court fees to file for visitation. I don't know why it is so much. I wanted to file the papers myself but the lawyer just laughed in my face and said he would revise them himself before submitting them. I filled out and filed my own divorce papers, bought the packet from staples, and submitted them to the courts myself (yes I am divorced from previous husband). I think I am capable! Sorry it just makes me mad. haha. So, then somehow BM finds me on facebook and sends me a somewhat nasty message, and addressing it like I don't even know about SS, saying she wants FH to get up to date on his CS and sign over his rights. Which I laughed b/c really he doesn't have any rights, he isn't on the birth certificate and in GA you have to file for legitimation. Of course the paternity test proved he was the father so he is obligated to pay child support. Anyway, I told her that FH felt obligated to pay the CS and that the only reason he was ever behind was b/c he lost his job and not b/c he didn't care for bio son. And that he lives with guilt everyday for not being part of sons life and listed the reasons SHE has made it difficult for him to be around (i.e stealing his money, being a spiteful witch, ect). She sent her apologies to FH through me and said that she has wanted him to be part of SS's life for some time now (even though she is now married and the kid has a father) and would love for us all to be one big happy family. Which sorry but that will never happen, i.e what I was venting about earlier in my blog. But nonetheless we are now trying to make this whole crazy thing work.
Yes, I do feel that court ordered visitation would be ideal to keep her in line and may be worth the $2,000 if she decides to revert back to her old psycho ways. It is definitely a back up that we have in the back of our minds. I am soooo tired of feeling like I have to be super nice to her. She has tried to sink FH's ship any chance she got. Now she says she understands where he is coming from and didn't know that he actually cared for the illegitimate child. Really she has not right at all to know how FH feels about the child. You just don't get that luxury when you conceive a child with a man that you don't even know, he only knew her for maybe a few hours when it happened. I was just nice enough to let her in on his feelings, which has now made her grow some sort of conscience about keeping him from his child all of these years. FH really felt like she only kept the child to trap him. She originally hunted him down to say that she was going to abort the child (now I am seeing the real reason as I am typing as why would she have not just aborted and he would have never known about the conception....hmmmmm) and then called him back to tell him that she was keeping it and their was nothing he could do. She even had her friend call while she was six months pregnant to give FH ( who at the time still 17 and a senior in high school) a call to cuss him out for not being there while she was pregnant and she was going through a really hard time. Of course FH didn't care considering he really didn't think the two seconds of drunken idiocy really conceived a child and she must have been a huge whore (pardon my language) considering she had sex with him after only a few hours of knowing him. SORRY I KNOW THIS RESPONSE HAS GOTTEN LONG....JUST VENTING! thank you for your patience while reading this. Anyway, now I am not sure what the point of the rant was.......???? haha.
You know we were thinking of
You know we were thinking of that first. We were going to have a mediator to interact since BM used to be psycho. The only reason we didn't follow through was the $2,000 court fees to file for visitation. I don't know why it is so much. I wanted to file the papers myself but the lawyer just laughed in my face and said he would revise them himself before submitting them. I filled out and filed my own divorce papers, bought the packet from staples, and submitted them to the courts myself (yes I am divorced from previous husband). I think I am capable! Sorry it just makes me mad. haha. So, then somehow BM finds me on facebook and sends me a somewhat nasty message, and addressing it like I don't even know about SS, saying she wants FH to get up to date on his CS and sign over his rights. Which I laughed b/c really he doesn't have any rights, he isn't on the birth certificate and in GA you have to file for legitimation. Of course the paternity test proved he was the father so he is obligated to pay child support. Anyway, I told her that FH felt obligated to pay the CS and that the only reason he was ever behind was b/c he lost his job and not b/c he didn't care for bio son. And that he lives with guilt everyday for not being part of sons life and listed the reasons SHE has made it difficult for him to be around (i.e stealing his money, being a spiteful witch, ect). She sent her apologies to FH through me and said that she has wanted him to be part of SS's life for some time now (even though she is now married and the kid has a father) and would love for us all to be one big happy family. Which sorry but that will never happen, i.e what I was venting about earlier in my blog. But nonetheless we are now trying to make this whole crazy thing work.
Yes, I do feel that court ordered visitation would be ideal to keep her in line and may be worth the $2,000 if she decides to revert back to her old psycho ways. It is definitely a back up that we have in the back of our minds. I am soooo tired of feeling like I have to be super nice to her. She has tried to sink FH's ship any chance she got. Now she says she understands where he is coming from and didn't know that he actually cared for the illegitimate child. Really she has not right at all to know how FH feels about the child. You just don't get that luxury when you conceive a child with a man that you don't even know, he only knew her for maybe a few hours when it happened. I was just nice enough to let her in on his feelings, which has now made her grow some sort of conscience about keeping him from his child all of these years. FH really felt like she only kept the child to trap him. She originally hunted him down to say that she was going to abort the child (now I am seeing the real reason as I am typing as why would she have not just aborted and he would have never known about the conception....hmmmmm) and then called him back to tell him that she was keeping it and their was nothing he could do. She even had her friend call while she was six months pregnant to give FH ( who at the time still 17 and a senior in high school) a call to cuss him out for not being there while she was pregnant and she was going through a really hard time. Of course FH didn't care considering he really didn't think the two seconds of drunken idiocy really conceived a child and she must have been a huge whore (pardon my language) considering she had sex with him after only a few hours of knowing him. SORRY I KNOW THIS RESPONSE HAS GOTTEN LONG....JUST VENTING! thank you for your patience while reading this. Anyway, now I am not sure what the point of the rant was.......???? haha.
Ooops, I must have hit the
Ooops, I must have hit the POST COMMENT button a few too many times.