Skids that steal
I am BEGGING for advice on how to stop this.
My SD has stolen things from me before. A lot of things. So I recently got a new phone. For some reason the old phone would not transfer my pictures to my computer or my new phone. So I had it ready to go to the Verizon store with a memory stick to get them to help me figure it out. It had EVERY picture of the first two years of my daughters life. Stupid, stupid me.
It went missing yesterday. I asked my SD13 if she had it and if she returned it to me then I would not be upset with her but I would give her a small reward for helping me "find" it. She acted helpful. So my DH told me to check SD before school today. I checked her pockets and bag and then I THANKED her for being honest and told her we would check the house top to bottom today to find the phone. So when I went to drop her off at school I got this bad bad feeling in my gut. And so I got out and said "SD13, are you hiding my phone?" She immediately hid her right side from me and denying it. I asked her to lift her shirt 3 inches so I could see her waist band. She didn't want to so like a cop would to a criminal I gave her a full pat down in the school parking lot. She had my flipping phone in her UNDERWEAR. WTF... First place I went was to Verizon to get my stuff backed up and it is now double backed up.
So last time she stole from me I literally stripped her room. And some stuff she never got back, like some of the stuff she stole from me. DH freaked out at her. Screamed at her. Grounded her. Told her she wants to act like a criminal she gets treated like one. She literally is only allowed at the dinner table, her bathroom, and her bedroom. And she will get patted down every morning. But we've been there done that and here I am again.
Does anyone have advice on anything else that will stop this? I need consequences that are not abusive but will get the point across. DH was begging me to tell him what else to do and I honestly haven't got a clue. This is not a compulsion. She literally ONLY steals from me in our home. DH has several phones laying around, money ect. And she wont dare to touch anything of his. Its only my stuff. Help me. I literally wanted to leave DH over this. I am so sick of hiding everything in my own home and she still finds things.
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The fact she took it, then
The fact she took it, then brazenly lied and carried on ups the ante in my opinion. I agree with police involvement of some kind. I also agree with social shaming. I would forewarn her...we are going to contact everyone of your friends parents and let them know of your actions. Should you manage to prove yourself trustworthy in the future we will acknowledge that and let them know. However, no friends over and no going to friends until you figure out your mess. Let her know you are concerned she will steal from others and are protecting them...she clearly does not care what you or her dad think...maybe she is more concerned regarding her reputation in her social circle?
Side note: when I was 13 I was an asshole. My parents tried everything. I was taken home by the police numerous times, in trouble with the school constantly. What changed my actions? Nothing my parents did, but all my classmates said they did not like my actions and thought I was wrong. I was uninvited from everything and ostracized. I was devastated. Cried to...yes, you guessed right...my parents and teachers. Had some come to jesus talks and made up with my friends. Peer pressure is everything. Of course, not everyone has decent friends like mine. Still wonder why I was such an asshole!
I absolutely agree with you
I absolutely agree with you all and I will make calls today and see what scared straight programs or maybe I will just drive her up to juvie and tell her to get out and see what she does. All of our extended family and friends know how she is. And she hasn't been invited for quite awhile. We had to take her on vacation to my parents and they literally did not want her in their house. As for friends, her friends at school are all the weirdos and she doesn't do much outside of school. But maybe I can talk to her teacher and see if she has ideas in that direction.
Unfortunately I think it's
Unfortunately I think it's time for me to do the same. My house has a really open floor plan but I could easily put anything valuable behind closed doors. I like the manual labor! I will be making a list of chores that will be completed this weekend to "pay me back." Doesn't matter if she didn't actually get away with it, it's the principal at this point.
Is she in counseling or
Is she in counseling or therapy? If not go! And I agree with warning others that she is capable of stealing and lying and cheating. Has anyone explained to her that theives are the worst kinds of people? In my area calling police at her age will get you nowhere they will make a note of it and call social services and that is all they will do! Judges here have no time and DH and Juvie have no beds for kids that steal from home. Take her with you to a video game exchange or pawn store and warn them about her with her present. It may shock her a bit. Locking stuff up sucks I know but until it is stopped that is how it has to be. I have a purse with lock just because I like to go out with the girls to clubs or out to eat etc. Invest in one! Talk things about how she only as the nerve to do this to you, not anyone else so what gives? If she thinks you stole dad etc work on that and set her straight. Some people will just never get it and some will. Start a fund for her for class trips and extras. Every time she acts out or steal deduct it from fund. When trips at school and birthday parties for friends crop up show her what she does have in the bank and where she owed you a pay out.
She's in therapy. It has done
She's in therapy. It has done absolutely nothing. Might start looking around for other options. We have done individual and family with this lady and it's been a monumental waste of time. We all believe it's personal. DH thinks maybe because I'm the mother figure or because she thinks I'm the easiest target. I think she actually likes DD3 and DH so she wouldn't want to hurt them. She hates me so she constantly destroys and steals things of mine.
I wish I had an answer for
I wish I had an answer for you. I would do regular spontaneous checks of her room, with her there as witness, to search for stolen items. And then some suitable punishment if they are found.
When SD was younger I threatened community service but DH wouldn't back me up. He is about 90% of the problem in our situation anyway. SD stole a valuable piece of electronic equipment given to me by my boss for my work. I looked high and low, never even considered SD took it, thought I just misplaced it. Then one day I'm in SD's room and see my expensive hairspray, which she took and then broke the nozzle so it couldn't be used anymore. So I started searching her room and lo and behold, in the corner on the floor behind her bed was that electronic equipment. I was furious but you know what DH said?
1. I couldn't prove it was SD who took it and put it in her room (yeah, sure, our small biodaughter did it).
2. It wasn't really stealing because the items was still in the house.
Yeah, he's a moron.
When I was 15 a friend and I
When I was 15 a friend and I got arrested for shoplifting....Yep I was one of those stupid kids. We both got 6 months probation and community service with the parents picking the community service. My friend got to go help out at an animal shelter and had fun every single day. I was not so lucky, my parents were strict and creative. My parents talked with the school superintendent, I got to help the janitor every day after school. Every day I got to clean the nasty bathrooms, scrap gum off of desks and clean windows. Everyone in the school knew about it too. I have always swore that if my kids get caught steeling THIS will be their punishment, even if they do not get arrested, even if it is just me finding out. I never stole anything again...because I was MORTIFIED!!! Maybe you can make a call to the school, see if the janitor needs help.