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Resisting the urge to intervene.

New Mama's picture

I disengaged a little over a week ago but I've been spending most of that time in the bedroom and avoiding any issues. DH and I agreed that I would no longer intervene and I would allow him to be a parent to SS7. Since I disagree with his parenting, I stay away. However, DH, very kindly asked me if I would be willing to come back to join the family. I have humbly agreed.

SS7 came home from school and dropped his shoes, jacket, and backpack in the middle of the floor. DH immediately told him his things don't belong there and made him take them to his room. Bravo, DH!

SS7 went to his room, changed out of his school clothes, and cleaned his bathroom. Again, Bravo DH!

As soon as SS7 was done with his chores, DH took him to the tale to start his homework. This is the most aggravating point in our night every night. I can hear in DH's voice that he's about to lose his temper because SS7 is not paying attention. SS7 is pouting and DH's voice is getting louder. It's a train wreck waiting to happen.

I am fighting the urge to "suggest" to DH that he should move SS7 away from the tv that BD1 is watching and he'll concentrate better. I am also fighting the urge to "suggest" to DH that he should make SS7 point at each word as he reads so there is no confusion about what word he's getting wrong. But, I will not intervene.

I'm very proud that DH has stepped up to the plate and, although he's not doing everything my way, he is doing a good job. Who'd have thought?


Ommy's picture

At least there is progress! As an idea could you take BD and do bath time, or play in her room with her just for a couple of days that way your DH can see with out it being pointed out that when the TV is off or not in view that he does better? so if it is off for a couple of days the light switch might go off that it is a distraction without any comments being made.....

Also you could get a "cool" boy book mark that he would want to use. By going out and getting a "new" book for him because it was on sale and it came with a really cool bookmark. That way he can put it under the sentence that he is reading.

The small things we can do that dont over step and men dont usually pick up on the "master plan"

Vichychoisse's picture

Our rule is that the (main) TV is off when homework is being done. Even if only one skid is doing her homework, none of us watch TV. It's a minor inconvenience but it helps the skids.

New Mama's picture

I generally disagree with any tv watching but at night I let BD1 watch one 30 minute episode of Mickey Mouse. Since it's a learning cartoon, I don't mind.

I took your advise and left the tv off during the homework time and it worked out great! BD1 didn't at all mind the extra attention from me and SS7 was less distracted.

Dannee's picture

I find it very sad on here when I read something like you have written..

I am fighting the urge to say something to DH..

You should beable to say anything..

Everyone on here says "disengage"..
Really sounds interesting...

So disengage and live in a home where you have to hide in your own bathroom..
I would be damn...
How about DH not screaming a child when they are doing their homework..
I think that would help out..ya think..

Some of the families on here...I would never beable to live in..

Resisting the urge to intervene...for me I could never be happy with
my mouth not saying what I feel..


New Mama's picture

The problem DH and I have is that I jump the gun and don't give him a chance to be a parent and handle issues. It's certainly not that I CAN'T say something, it's waiting it out and saying it at a more opportune time and in a more calm way. The point is that I need to give DH the opportunity to handle a problem before I jump in and start yelling at everyone and alienating my family.

DH is not the one that yells, I am. Now that I'm disengaged, I don't yell. I think that helps out.

Disengaging, from what I've read, isn't for everyone. But for my family I'm already seeing drastic results. Yes, it's difficult for me to not intervene and be the boss of everyone and everything at all times. But DH has stepped up and shown what a fantastic parent he is - which was my goal in the first place.