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If DH was the A+ parent he claims to be we wouldn't be in this mess.

New Mama's picture

During our parent teacher conference, SS7's teacher asked us to continue working with SS7 on his school work and behavior - they've seen significant regression in both areas.

During therapy, DH and I agreed to focus on the positive and let some of the negative things SS7 does go. Specifically, she told me to try to bond with SS7 and told DH to butt out and stop intervening everytime I'm with him.

Last night, was our first time putting it to the test. When we all get home at night I generally take BD1 in her room to play or take her in our room to watch Mickey Mouse - I completely ignore DH and SS7. In an effort to make a change I went into the kitchen where DH and SS7 were. I got SS7's agenda and DH and I praised him for having a good day. I noticed he had some worksheets from school that were incorrect and incomplete. So I circled the ones that needed to be corrected and asked SS7 to sit down and finish them. SS7 talked back. I asked him to stop. DH started to give me dirty looks. I continued to circle the ones he needed to correct and SS7 got up and talked back - he told me those were right and he's not correcting them. I asked SS7 to stop talking to me like that and to do the worksheets I'd already given him. DH sent SS7 to his room to talk to me. He told me we're not supposed to be punishing him and that we shouldn't make him do anymore homework. I told DH that we are supposed to continue working on his homework like teacher asked us. I also reminded DH that he's not supposed to intrude when I'm with SS7.

SS7 came back out and DH told him to do what I asked. SS7 sat down, took his eraser, and started to tear the worksheets up. SS7 the said, I can't do these now they're ripped. I told SS7 to go to his room and get some paper. SS7 talked back. I asked him to stop in a more stern voice, not yelling. DH gave me some more dirty looks. SS7 got some paper and came back. SS7 whined, I don't know what to do. I helped him read the directions and told him what to do. DH walked over and also, read the directions and told him what to do. DH went back into the kitchen to cook dinner.

SS7 started to get up and play with BD1 or watch tv. I asked him to sit down and finish his worksheets so we could do something fun. I was so quiet that SS7 couldn't hear me and asked me to repeat myself. Again, I told SS7 to sit down and finish his worksheets. SS7 talked back. I asked DH to make him stop talking back to me. DH, very calmly, told SS7 to do what I asked.

DH was by the stove cooking dinner so I very quietly went to him and said, you've intervened when you shouldn't and you've stood there while SS7 talked back time and time. I'm done. You help him. BD1 and I went to my room to watch Mickey Mouse.

DH storms back to our room accusing me of yelling at SS7 (while he's yelling at me) and punishing him and I'm not being positive. I explained that I was trying to find a way to connect with SS7 like our therapist asked AND work on his homework like SS7's teacher asked. I also explained that I was not yelling and, in fact, I was so quiet that SS7 asked me to repeat myself. I then pointed out that he intervened like he was told not to by the therapist and he did not punish SS7 for talking back like he promised me. DH apologized. I apologized for making SS7 do his homework.

While DH and I were talking in our bedroom, SS7 got up from the table and didn't finish his homework. He comes back to our room and tattles on BD1, she got a pen and wrote on the wall. DH storms out to the living room and screams at BD1. BD1 comes running and crying back to me.

I told DH to stop yelling at her. She's crying. And by this time I'm crying from pure frustration. DH apologizes again, he doesn't want to fight. Let's eat dinner and try to get thru the rest of the night. BD1 and I sit at dinner in silence while DH and SS7 laugh and talk.

The kids went to bed and I locked myself in our bedroom to get some homework done. DH went to his office. The night ended somewhat peacefully.

This morning, I told DH how I feel like SS7 has pitted him against me. That everytime I try to do something with SS7 to bond with him DH butts in and if he doesn't like what I'm doing or SS7 whines and complaines, I get YELLED at. I also told DH how I'm concerned that SS7 is trying to pit him against BD1 and every time she does the littlest thing wrong, she gets YELLED at. I then pointed out how SS7 talked back to me 4 times in the span of 30 minutes with no consequences.

DH got defensive and we fought - he says I wasn't trying hard enough to be positive with SS7, I shouldn't have punished him and made him do homework, and that last night was all my fault. I pointed out all the same things I said before. I also pointed out that while he's naming every flaw of mine as a step parent that if he was the A+ parent he's claiming to be we wouldn't be in this situation and maybe his son would have some respect for other people.

Eventually, we both apologized. We agreed we both made mistakes last night, SS7 will be punished for talking back, and DH will stop yelling at everyone especially BD1.

Comments

Jsmom's picture

She is one years old and he is yelling at her. At that age they have to have constant supervision. No pens around to do damage...Shame on him. You have a hard road ahead here. He is going to continue to undermine you and SS knows it and will work that.

As for BD1, I would make sure she is never alone so she can't be yelled at. At that age it is pointless and is only changing who she is.

My son was active at this age and into everything. When I couldn't keep an eye on him all the time, he was gated into a room that I could see and nothing was around. The layout of the apt we had it was his room and I could see from the kitchen. He got a hold of a pen one time and wrote one line on every piece of furniture. Bizarre. When I sold off the furniture years later I was still finding a line under a table and a chair that I missed. They are toddlers, they move quick and they are curious. They shouldn't be yelled at for that. As they get older fine, but yelling...

New Mama's picture

I agree, except, I don't believe yelling is acceptable for anyone at any age. Especially not a 1 year old. She's 1! She doesn't understand and yelling isn't teaching her anything except to be scared of dad.

New Mama's picture

EXACTLY! It took lots of tears and arguing for DH to see that I was TRYING to do something positive with SS7. But I still don't think he gets it. To DH and SS7, I'll always be the wicked step mother that makes SS7 do homework and learn things.

hismineandours's picture

I guess I dont understand how you punished him? You were having him correct schoolwork-which is what the teacher asked, right? To continue to have him work on things? Is that what your dh is considering punishment? I consider that TEACHING. You are teaching your ss to do his work correctly and you are HELPING him, not punishing him.

I would nip ss yelling at you in the bud. I tell you my ss yelled at me every freaking day from ages 6-9-every day. I tried any number of things to deal with it-but what I tended to revert to out of sheer frustration was either ignoring it or yelling back, neither of which was effective. Dh's way to handle it was more like your dh's. He'd just say, "stop it" when he did it and then say it again 3 or 4 times over the next hour and that be it. Finally, I got to the point in which when he started talking to me in that manner I just sent him to his room. I refused to listen to anyone talk to me that way anymore and eventually all i had to do was point. He could come out when he could speak to me normally and could apologize. He would still ahve to do whatever it was that I asked him to do.

My ss just got in the habit of screaming at me to the point in which he felt it was perfectly acceptable to yell at your sm on a daily basis. It sounds like your ss is developing the same habit and it needs to be stopped ASAP-although you might want to ask dh where he thinks that ss has picked up on that yelling behavior?

duct_tape's picture

Man, you're still around this? Your daughter deserves better, your ss deserves an ass beating and your husband deserves to be kicked to the curb.

By asking your husband to defend you against your ss, you gave away your power. This man doesn't want to be a father. He wants to be his sons bff. However, when dealing with your daughter...let me give you a little insight...

He will continue to yell at, and take his temper out on that little girl!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Because he is a passive aggressive moron. He is communicating with you. Can't you tell???? You want to hurt my son, how does that feel? Take that and that and that. Get out while you can. This guy needs therapy and maybe some handcuffs.

hismineandours's picture

I agree with you giving your power to your dh in front of ss-which quite apparently he's not going to do a damn thing with it-so if you stay in this situation you are going to have to be powerful all on your own. You are showing ss that you cant handle the situation, so you go to dh, and then dh is showing him that the whole situation is really your fault by arguing with you about it.

I also agree with teh passive aggressiveness. Tit for tat. You yell at MY son, I'm gonna yell at YOUR daughter. It matters not that you didnt even really yell at the kid nor that it is HIS daughter too. He's is acting with his emotions-not his rational thought. I would confront him on this issue, immediately, as my guess is that he really does not know he is doing it.

My dh used to do something similar-I would tell his kid to say, quit picking your nose and within 2 minutes he would find something to correct my ds about. Every single freaking time. His son was bad, well, he'd find something my son did wrong to level the playing field so to speak. See, all kids are bad sometimes? My relationship was rocky with ss, well he'd make sure there was a rocky one with my ds-just to normalize it. I finally just blatantly confronted him with this and that he was destroying any chance he had to have a normal relatiosnhip with my kid and he immediately got it into gear-he really did-the look of amazement on his face was incredible and he readily admitted, "I guess I do do that". Sometimes men just dont get they are being assholes.

duct_tape's picture

God, he pisses me off. If he were in front of me I would castrate his sorry ass. He doesn't want to correct his precious. For whatever stupid reason, he is equating your discipline as punishment. Let them both just rot together. And you should tell him the next time he yells at a one yr old he'll be coddling his spoiled son from behind bars. That is emotionally distressing for her and damaging.

New Mama's picture

YES! Please give me suggestions!

I only chose homework because it needed to be done anyway. He's so far behind in school that we're afraid he won't make it to 2nd grade.

Jsmom's picture

I think you have done more than enough here. DH is never going to get it and you will always be the bad guy. I commend you for trying. But, honestly I think you are doing it and sacrificing your daughter in the process. By the way he is not backing you up it will always be you and her against them. I don't know if I could continue to live that way. Wait, I did and now I don't and for me it was disengaging from them and making DH step up. SD is gone, but SS is now doing great. I don't think it will work though for you. Everyone is telling your DH what to do and he is still not doing it.

How long can you keep trying?

blending6's picture

You're in a sticky situation. Kudos for trying. It seems like if you didn't make the effort and you and DH were to separate his bad parenting of your SS would continue onto DD. Hoping that is not the case. Best of luck to you.