Hello. SM34 here. And, ready to pull my hair out. Bald would NOT be a good look for me, so I thought I'd try this Steptalk thing on for size. Beware - this is a book - I'm in furious venting mode.

I actually have a great relationship with my DH40 and his two kids - SS9 and SD12. This sounds cliche, but the BM39 has zero common sense or any consideration for co-parenting.

SD12 called me wanting to come home from school mid-morning.
On the way home, we stopped at the store to let her pick out some soup and ice cream. She began talking about her BM - very negatively again. This has become the norm these days. I'm careful enough to be honest with her, but not feed her irrational thoughts. I have to keep in mind she's only 12 years old.

She said, "BM and her BF are talking about getting married. I barely know him. Plus, we [including BM] have never met any of his kids."

I said, "Sweetheart - as adults get older, you don't need quite as much time to figure out what qualities you want in a person." I really do try to defend her BM so she's not painted in a bad light in her daughters eyes even though she's a complete idiot.

Well, she went on and on - so I just listened for awhile. I guess she needed to vent.

She proceeded to tell me how her BM was bad-mouthing her Dad because he wanted her to see a doctor since she was home sick from school for several days. Her Mom's answer basically was, "I'm the Mother. I know best." Once again, COMPLETELY disregarding Dads role as a very involved and loving Father.

While walking through the store, SD12 went on to rant and rave about her Dad saying, "Dad's really great. I'm definitely a Daddy's girl." etc. etc.

Well...

We get home. I email her teachers asking them for her homework for all the days she's been out. I don't want her to get too far behind. Plus, she's sick. She's not disabled and home to milk-it. She can lay on the couch or in bed and do homework.

Three of her four teachers replied with things like, "SD12 is failing this class", "SD12 talks out of turn", and "SD12 does not hand in her homework."
Cue my mouth hitting the floor.

Mind you, we ask her EVERY night if she has homework and her answer is ALWAYS, "Nope! Finished it in school!" We gave her the benefit of the doubt.

I called DH to notify him so he could, in turn, call BM and mutually discuss an agreed-upon punishment for both households. And, they did. So far, so good.

Her Dad got home from work. He did not yell. He never does. Don't know how he does it.

He took away ALL of her privileges including FB, phone, iTouch, TV out of her room and any visits to the local skating rink with her friends. He re-explained that her ONLY priority is school and not doing homework out of sheer laziness is unacceptable. We don't even task her with many chores because they are only with us every other week and they need to be focused on their studies and family time.

DH and I proceeded to go through each class requirement and make a list of things she needed to complete over the weekend. It took us forever because she was missing so many assignments.

Side Note: DH's Godfather passed away last week. We were making arrangements to drive to several states away, go to the funeral yesterday morning, then drive back last night, which we did. During this time, the kids were going to stay back at their BM's for two days. So, we were making this list of "things to do" to keep BM in the loop and get SD12 back on track with her studies.

DH dropped the kids off to their BM's. He sat down with SD12 and her Mother to go over the list before we left town. The entire time, her Mother is trying to be her friend and coddle her like crazy - making excuses for her and enabling her to keep being lazy. Things like, "SD12 - is their just too much homework for you?" Naturally she replied, "Yes." Dad said, "Um, no. You can't use that for an excuse because you'd have to actually attempt to do your homework first, for it to seem like to much. You've completely avoided it and have not handed it in."

The issue...last night, during our ride back, DH called the kids to see how they're doing and to let them know we will be on time and picking them up today after school. In response, BM answers the phone and says, "SD12 won't be coming back home with you this week. She feels that she cannot talk to you about anything. Oh, and we need more Mother/Daughter time."

HOLY HELL.

We were shocked, hurt and in total disbelief.

First, her BM is babying her to the point of believing that she's a "victim" and DH is being too rough on her. SD12 is clearly acting this way because her last interaction with her Dad was negative and she knows when she returns to our house - she will not get babied. She will be held responsible for her schoolwork and not have any of her privileges for a very long time. Until she can prove she is mature enough to have them back.

Second, we FULLY realize that SD12 is playing both sides of the fence. When with us, she complains up and down about her BM - which we take with a grain of salt. When with her BM, she's clearly complaining up and down about us - which her BM turns into a fiasco. I sort of expect this from a child of a divorced couple. But, I do NOT expect her BM to feed into this behavior. Her BM is solely looking at this as a popularity contest. She is doing whatever she needs to do to be more popular with the kids and their buddy - instead of a Mother. This is a "win" in her eyes. To us, it's just sad.

Third, if her BM wants extra time with her - then do it on her own week with her!! Don't take days away from our week just because you constantly leave her home alone, make plans with groups of people and totally avoid one-on-one time with her!

Dad is forcing his daughter to come with him in effort to try and get her to talk to him since she seems to think she can't. (Which is total b.s. by the way). We have a fantastic family dynamic when they aren't involved with their BM.

I can count on one hand the number of times that I have seen my DH break down and cry in all the years we've been together. Last night was one of them. He was so hurt and distraught. We've spent SO much time molding the kids, making sure we don't leave them alone to do things - instead having family time and just talking and joking around in general. But, all of that is instantly erased as soon as SD12 doesn't get her way and her Mom feeds into it.

I can't stop thinking about this long enough to focus on my job. I'm shocked, disgusted, upset... you name it.

I have no idea what's going to happen tonight.

Sadly, I have NO desire to see SD12 or have her in our home. None. She's a very immature, two-faced little child who plays the game no matter what it costs everyone around her. She leads everyone to believe that "they're the best" to get what she wants.

Sigh.

Thanks for reading.

Any and all comments will be read and considered.

Have a great day.