THE EX. Fight fire with fire? Or be the bigger person?
My DH's ex-wife (and BM to their two children - SD12 and SS9) is a game player extraordinaire! Her actions are a reflection of someone who is interested in being the more popular and fun parent. Moreso a friend to the kids versus a disciplinarian to keep them in-line and on task.
Normally, I would not care. What happens on her time with her children is no one's business as long as the kids are safe and sound and the mutually agreed upon rules are being adhered to.
She doesn't need DH's permission to do anything and DH doesn't need hers. That's not what this is about. However, as 50/50 parents for these kids - the common respect would be nice.
My DH has been very involved and sure to include her in all decisions as to support co-parenting. She has not. She makes independent decisions and then advises him after the fact. No matter how many times he has called, text, or emailed her to ask that she co-parent...she does not.
Most recently, she gave SD12 a facebook account that she did not bother setting up security on or monitoring. I did. The account has since been taken away. She also advised SD12 (against DH's wishes) that we put GPS tracking on her phone because she "didn't want to lie to her child." I don't agree with lying, however, if it takes DH telling the kids a white lie to keep them safe - then, so be it. ESPECIALLY since BM leaves her alone quite a bit.
The worst and most recent offense, in my eyes, is when DH made his nightly call to check on the kids (on the nights they aren't with us) and she says, "SD12 isn't coming back to your house this week. We need some Mother/Daughter time." She didn't ask. She told and assumed that, because she can't find the one on one time to spend with her daughter, everyone should drop everything and let this happen.
I could go on and on - situations like this seem endless.
My question is... in your opinion, should we start fighting with fire? Should we start by doing the things to her that she's done to us? i.e. Keeping the kids additional days without asking - just telling her?
Or should we continue to be the more mature people and not fight fire with fire?
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If you have a 50/50 custody
If you have a 50/50 custody order with pre-set terms, take BM back to court for violating the order. Each time she violates the order, take her back. It does get kind of expensive b/c of lawyer fees, however, if she's anything like my skids BM she is very stingy with her money and won't want to constantly put out cash for being too stupid to stick to the terms of the agreement. Whatever you do, be sure NOT to do what she is doing. Let her sink her own ship.
Hopefully we can start
Hopefully we can start getting proof of this via email, otherwise it's our word against hers. Thank you for the response.
She didn't ask. She told and
She didn't ask. She told and assumed that, because she can't find the one on one time to spend with her daughter, everyone should drop everything and let this happen.
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Did DH address this with her and tell her it is not right?
He did. Several times. She
He did. Several times. She hung up on him.
I'm with the others. DH needs
I'm with the others. DH needs to put his foot down and have the custody order followed to the letter. She can be held in contempt if she with holds the kids. It's not fighting fire with fire, its fighting STUPID with COMMON SENSE!!
HAHA... That's funny. Her
HAHA... That's funny. Her official nickname is STUPID. Common sense isn't so common sometimes, huh?
Thanks.
HAHAHAHAHA. Love it.
HAHAHAHAHA. Love it.
I used to think being the
I used to think being the more mature one was the right thing to do in this situation. But, finally after dealing with this with BM ourselves, I think you fight fire with fire. I would not in any way allow her to keep the kid if it is your time. That is setting up a precedent that will get worse. We have BM lying to SS and to DH about things and we have finally started to not cover for her. His eyes are waking up quick.
Do what you have to do. BM will not co-parent with us, because she felt that DH was too strict and she wanted to be SD15's friend. Last week she bleached her hair blonde. Really white with dark eyebrows. She looks like a slut. Nothing we can do, since she no longer lives with us. But, we started out just like you with the little stuff and the lack of telling DH things and now we have SD living with BM and SS begging to live here. 12K in court with SD who we gave up on and now we will end up with another 12K to fight for the other SK.
Thank you. I agree
Thank you. I agree wholeheartedly. And, I'm sorry for what you're going through.
Try not to fight fire with
Try not to fight fire with fire and on the other hand, do NOT "take the high road" "turn the other cheek" and PRETEND to not know what is going on.
YOU MUST CALL THE BM on all of her misdeeds; otherwise it will embolden her to push the envelope further.
Your BM is EXTREMELY typical and I think most of us on this forum have had to or continue to deal with such a BM.
He will continue to call her
He will continue to call her out on it. She will probably continue to hang up on him. But, we won't stop fighting her.
Stick to CO to the letter and
Stick to CO to the letter and do not waver, and always hold BM to it. If and when she violates, file contempt. It doesn't have to get expensive if you do it yourself. It's not difficult to do on your own. Even if nothing comes of it the first time or two, it is documented and the judge will get sick of her violating.
EXACTLY! Hold the BM's feet
EXACTLY! Hold the BM's feet to the fire and document everything. File for contempt as well if she violates the order.
GG (biodad I live with) did the EXACT opposite; let the BM get away with her games for the "sake of the children."
He now has three PASed out children, the youngest, aged eight and a half he has not seen in almost two years.
The older ones have basically given him the finger for the last almost three years now.
We've been documenting like
We've been documenting like crazy. If we ask her to keep the kids an extra day or weekend - we make sure it's done via email. *phew*
Thank you!!!
I had no idea you could file
I had no idea you could file contempt on your own. Thanks so much! I will look into that immediately!