You are here

Still Enabling

NarcissisticSkids's picture

Well, this is my first blog, you may want to make popcorn, this is going to read like a bad movie. Although my drama has spanned 25 years so far, it seems all these years of being a SM with all the crazy antics of 2 SS plus a nuttier than Christmas fruitcake BM , not sure how I survived this long without a blog. My DH has always been very good to me, I brought a son and daughter of my own into this marriage, DH has been very good to my children also, they pretty much treat him like the real dad. All this being said, I raised my children with morals and rules, did the best I could, and prayed lots—they are adults now, with excellent jobs, self sufficient, and are actually very giving, even thinking of others before themselves....my kids that is........Now, for the skids.::: when the SS were younger, the BM and DH split custody....when the boys were with us, there was screaming, fighting, sassy back talk, cussing, and pretty much any type of disrespect you could imagine. BM kept the young boys (12ish) supplied with cigarettes, nasty movies, and pot........ even got to spend the night at a girls house, lovely, right? So as you can imagine, when it was our weekend for the boys it was always tough. BM got a good amount of child support, but when it was our time with the boys they always needed new school clothes, shoes, haircuts, etc..always acted like the BM was broke, weird how  she always had enough moola to go to Mexico with her boyfriend...Let me pause here to say that as a mother myself, I know exactly how much we all love our children, no matter what they are like. I spent years cooking, cleaning, and being very good to the skids in spite of being told to F-off, or other vile sass. Those boys always disrespected their father, fought with him, didn’t want anything to do with him, UNLESS they wanted something....my DH always took that as acceptance, when in actuality, he was being used to the max. This of course made him want to give them money, movies, gifts, etc. they pretty much got what they wanted-with BM in the background, egging them on.

Fast forward to the present..SS is 39, high paying job, house paid for, fancy car,  bought himself a wife, had a child (neither of them should be parents), but just one huge problem.........he has nothing to do with his dad STILL, and DH is STILL ENABLING !!! DH says “poor guy is stressed out at work, he does not have time to call me”, yet, if his car wont start, he calls dad...if the washing machine is broke, calls dad....needed his roof shingled, calls dad...yup, you got it, the worse enabling I have ever seen!! My DH does everything for his son, to the point that the SS39 cannot even handle any home duties at all.....landscaping, appliance maintenance, all of it, SS39 wont call repair, he calls his dad. Keep in mind this is all sprinkled with terrible temper outbursts, punching holes in the wall (daddy runs over there and repairs it all).....Now, SS39 wife is calling my hubby when something needs fixing, she will call him crying, and he runs over there to do whatever they want..

I actually have tons I could add to this, but just wondering what other people think of this behavior, I have really been struggling with it lately, especially since I was just told by DH that we could no longer go out for a burger on Monday nights after I get off work, (he is retired)  because he is going to be babysitting their child, and fixing them dinner. Said I can start going by myself If i want to go......PS what do you think of the SS39 wife calling my hubby (or texting all the time) asking him to do stuff all the time? 

Comments

Curious Georgetta's picture

you cannot decide for him what he deems to be an acceptable relationship with his adult son. What you see as using him, he experiences as needing him. If he is retired, he may relish the idea of being needed.

If he is retired, he may assume that you guys can have burgers on any evening so that changing from Monday to another day is not a big deal.

You will only alienate your husband if you complain or criticize his son. Make your peace with the fact that while this would not be an acceptable arrangement for you  it is an arrangement that your husband finds acceptable for him. 

As long as he does not ask you to become involved in their trinity, you sre probably better off ignoring this situation. You are not being damaged in any way by this effort to utilize the dad's services, and it appears to be making him happy.

I would write it off as a whatever works for him as long as he does not try to make you a participant in the domestic service project.

Find your own Monday night activities and relish the me time.

 

futurobrillante99's picture

I’m exiting a marriage for various reasons but mainly because I can see into the future and stbX will always max his credit out to enable his children and indulge himself. He can more easily do that as a single man.

disrestep's picture

....by his son and DIL.

There are so many things unfair to you and your DH about the situation you describe. Such as, why on earth would anyone fix a hole in a wall that someone made by punching? These adults are calling up your DH and crying, ugh! They are trying to manipulate your DH big time by crying. It is working though.

Your burger date night with DH has been ruined by their requests, which is unacceptable as far as I am concerned. This reminds me of a time not long ago when YSD actually said to my DH that he should move in with her and be a nanny to their child, right in front of me while DH was ill. She never even stopped to think that daddy was ill, nor did she care. All she cared about was getting daddy to be a built in babysitter for her and the gskid.

I cannot believe these self-centered adult skids just think their parents should be at their beckon call each and every time they need something done or a babysitter. it is wrong, just plain wrong. 

If it were me, I would compile a list of what needs to be done around the house and give it to DH. Let DH how you feel about this and how it is so obvious he is being taken advantage of. Ask DH to tell the adult skids or tell them yourself they need to hire repair people, etc. and that your DH is not their bleeping handyman. 

Plan a nice long vacation for you and DH and get away from these miserable people who are using your DH.

Your DH is being manipulated by his man-child and DIL. DH should be enjoying his retirement and not working for free for anyone.

 

NarcissisticSkids's picture

Thank you so much for those words...And I really appreciate all the comments and feedback. .I understand when people say, that is your DH son, he loves him, don’t insult him, if you shut up And let him do what he wants, everything will run smoothly. The problem with that is I have been dealing with this for YEARS, always taken the high road, shut up, tried to be as understanding as possible-now things are getting super crazy!! The SS39 is super narcissistic, struts around like he is the only rooster in the hen house, is super angry, and explodes every time something does not go his way. His wife is a super spoiled adult brat, narcissistic as well ..everything always done for her..BOTH of these people NEVER do anything for anyone else...in fact, SIL told me recently that she was thinking the other day and realized that my DH and I have “a lot of time on our hands” and why should her child be in day care, when we could be taking him part of the time. Of course my hubby totally agreed, and it was decided then (by DH and SIL)  that we would take the kid part of the time...Oh, keep in mind that a few years ago, she told me that she would never be “saddled” with a child....guess she thinks that we can be saddled with her child. When I raised my kids years ago, if Ex and I wanted to go out, we hired a high school neighbor gal who babysat, and we PAID her...didn’t bug family daily. (Remember these people are well off.) Yes, my hubby is retired, he golfs couple afternoons a week, beer with the retired friends one afternoon, and other stuff the rest of the time (I am happy he does this)..so when I was told I was being “bumped” out of my burger night by the babysitting, it rubbed me the wrong way...it is just the principal of the situation that bugs me...... 

I just don’t understand why super selfish, super bad behavior is always rewarded, even enabled,..... nothing is ever said to them “they might get mad”...but I am just supposed to suck it up......hmmmmmm

 

Curious Georgetta's picture

They have no right to commit your time to baby sit their child. Neither does your SIL. If your husband is OK with them using him as the handy man and child care provider, no matter how you view that situation, it is truly his prerogative. 

Sadly, you cannot be life's avenging angel. In reality, very few people are punished or suffer because of their selfish behavior. Your SS and DIL may just fall into that category.

Your husband is probably feeling needed, and for your own peace of mind you need to let it go.

You say that your husband is very good to you.  Look at the positives in your life. Let  your husband navigate his relationship with hiis son on his own terms. Do not let him drag you into the drama. You are neither the maid  nor the child care provider. 

Choose another burger night and enjoy your me time.  He is not asking you to be angry on his behalf and will not likely appreciate your feeling that way.

Find ways to be good to yourself and stop giving these people space in your head.

Aniki's picture

It sounds like your DH is, in essence, still trying to "buy" SS's love by being at his beck and call. And that he will do anything and everything to be part of SS's life. I imagine that if you protest, he will only dig his heels in and proclaim that you hate his kids. So...

There is nothing you can do to change your DH's behavior - you can only control yourself. Is there a hobby in which you've been interested but never had time to start? Now is the time! Take a class (foreign language, gourmet cooking classes, crocheting, yoga, meditation), volunteer your time to charity, join a group (book club, etc).

ESMOD's picture

I agree with this.. but I also have a hard time with OP having to give up a shared date night with her hubby.  Maybe she can talk with him about a permanent reschedule to a night that he doesn't have babysitting duty?  Ultimately, she can't change other people's actions.. only her reactions and maybe looking at opportunities to do things for herself that her husband might not enjoy.. she can find a silver lining?

Aniki's picture

Agreed, ESMOD. OP's DH is retired so perhaps there is another night they can go out.

Merry's picture

What a pair of dysfunctional, codependent men. Wow.

All you can do is focus on how your DH's activities affect you. He changes plans he has with you without checking with you first? That hurts your feelings, and you tell him how HIS actions affect you. "Honey, when you change our plans without checking with me, I feel like you don't value our time together." See? That's nothing about SS.

Take SS out of the equation completely -- nothing you can do about him and this truly unhealthy pattern of behavior. Although, if your DH gets to a point of being frustrated with his son, I highly recommend individual counseling for him so he develops the tools (and balls) to use that magic word "no."

 

 

DaizyDuke's picture

Enabling is the key word here.  Your SS and his wife say jump and your DH says how hi.  They got a good thing going, why would they stop?  And I wonder, is your DH TELLING SS to call him if he has plumbing problems, roofing problems etc.?  I wouldn't be half suprised.

And I don't know... how often are adults expected to call and chat with their parents?  I do find myself guilty of more frequently calling my mother because I need her to pick up BS or BS is asking to go see her or whatever than I do calling her just to chat.  I do try to involve her in things like if BS and I are running in a 5K, I'll let her know and she'll sign up and walk it.  We also went on a couple trips together .. things like that. 

I DO feel guilty sometimes when I have gone a couple of weeks without talking to my mother because I'm busy and honestly I can't stand talking on the phone. Maybe your SS thinks that the interaction he has with your DH when DH comes to fix things, babysit their child etc. is enough?

Ispofacto's picture

I would be okay with the babysitting as long as it didn't turn into fulltime and the kids weren't trashing my house.  Hopefully the babysitting will be at SS's house.