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Aaaand we're back to food *facepalm*

myspoonistoobig's picture

Oh, the shit my BM says.

Convo between DH and BM after dinner this evening.

DH: SS told us you're going to send him oreos.

BM: He asked. So I said yes, then he started to cry saying you don't keep unhealthy food in the house so he can't have them. If I send a small pack, will you let him have them? It seemed so important to him and I hate to see him that sad.

DH: No, primarily because we won't let the girls have any (namely DD right now)and it wouldn't be fair.

BM: Isn't there any time that he is up and she isn't? It's also not fair to take all of this stuff away from him. He misses home and this would comfort him a little. I am not advocating he learn to pacify himself with food, but once in awhile it can be a comfort.

DH: If he eats all his veggies tonight he's going to get a bowl of organic vanilla ice cream during his TV time.

BM: And he likes that?

DH: He's pretty excited about it.

BM: I guess we'll see. He only recently started eating ice cream because they had it at daycare right before he left. But I still think you could at least think about the oreos. I have made concessions on how he is raised because of fairness to the girls. Sometimes he needs to see that he is important too and letting him do this would be a special treat that only he is allowed and would give him a sense of value. Please just consider it. I won't send them if you are not okay with it, but I would really appreciate some thought first.

DH: I thought about it before he got here. He knows he is important and has value. He gets to go to camps the girls don't get to go to because of their age. We're taking him to soccer camp after the 4th of July weekend and after that he's going to San Diego Zoo day camp for a week. And when we go to Sea World it'll be just him and DD with us so he can go on rides of his choice.

BM: But none of those things are something from home. Those are all fun and that's great, but a small comfort of home. I understand you hate the way we eat just as much as I think you're over the top. But I try to buy more of the organic stuff even though it's way more expensive only because I know it's important to you, why can't you make a compromise?

BM: (cont) Look, all I'm asking for is an oreo when what I really want is to come hold him. If you won't do it for any other reason can you at least consider doing it to make me feel better? I know you know how it feels to miss him and everything be out of your hands. I can't hug him when he cries, please just let me send him a stupid oreo. Then it's not even coming from you so you haven't bent any rules. It is his dumb annoying mother that has indulged him once again and you can continue to blame me for everything that's wrong in the world.

DH: This is my house, and while he's here I will feed him what I think is best, in the same way that you feed him what you think is best when he is at your house. Not only that, but he's going to be able to eat the fruit snacks you sent, and those are from home.

BM: I get that it is your home, but he is our son and I thought we were trying to take stock in the other parent's wishes.

DH: He's not getting oreos here.

BM: Well thanks for hearing me out. I'm glad we can have this open dialogue and really listen to each other's perspectives.

DH: I'm really glad we could too. Having open discussions about making healthier choices is very important. Here he is enjoying ice cream. *picture of SS enjoying ice cream*

A few points:

1) You're telling us that you're feeding him healthier food SOMETIMES... ONLY to 'compromise' with us? And that because of that you want us to 'compromise' and feed him crap?

2) Once, DH did something deliberately with consideration to your wishes. He chose to let you leave with SS instead of fighting for full custody when the two of you filed for divorce. Then you ran home to mom and dad and started refusing visitation... so.... yeah.... BIGGER POINT: We're not going against what we think is best for him here because of your wishes. Fuck you very much.

3) If you don't like to see him sad, don't keep telling him shit like that you think his dog ran away because he missed him.

4) You sent that kid an entire box of stuffed animals from home because he asked ALREADY, so you can take your comforts from home and shove them back into your own fat face.

5) His value will never be expressed with OREOS or anything of the kind, in THIS HOUSE.

6) "I have made concessions on how he is raised because of fairness to the girls."


WHAT? In what way? I'm calling bullshit.


silentnites's picture

I ate three Oreos while reading your write up!. I would give the kid an Oreo. Life is short, gotta put some shit in there too so the system works correctly. All this organic with the younger generation is going to lower their lifespan. My daughter eats nothing but organic and she is sick about 4 times a year.

On a positive note, good for you, if this is all you have to worry about you are in terrific shape. BM sounds like a reasonable woman to me, per this conversation anyway.

myspoonistoobig's picture

That's just it. We don't feed our kids only organic food, if we did they'd barely eat!

Forgive the pun, but I really feel like in this situation... you give a mouse a cookie...

Also, don't know if you got to the footnotes, but do reasonable women move away with their child and then tell the ex that they're suddenly afraid that the ex will kidnap their child and take him out of the country and so there will be no visitation for a year? You'll have to explain that one to me.

silentnites's picture

Oh, I read it...good write up. I was trying to be humorous more or less, so don't take it rudely at all.

myspoonistoobig's picture

No worries. I just get so twitchy when BM gets extra stupid.

Equating us not feeding SS oreos with not expressing to him his value is some strong stupid.

chokinonlemons2u's picture

No kidding! Using FOOD to express a childs VALUE?

Who is she? Eric Cartmans mother?

"Maaaaaaa I need mah cheesey puffs!!!!!"

myspoonistoobig's picture

DH goes, "Right away schnookums!" and then laughed his ass off.

chokinonlemons2u's picture

Silent, first I must say - when an oreo attack hits, it hits! And now they have the awesome sherbert flavored oreos too. Omg...Heaven in a box. But Im prediabetic so I am not the one for food advice on healthy

I don't think its the Oreos alone that is the problem but that it is a small part of a bigger picture with the BM pressing her agenda to control the situation a little piece at a time. KWIM?

It is just a cookie...but it isn't .

I haven't had one since my blood sugar went crazy and I haven't died of Oreo withdrawal yet, though it sure feels like I will sometimes! -___-

myspoonistoobig's picture

Gracias. It burns, the blatant bullshit about her knowing what it's like for DH to be away from his kid 9 months out of the year.

Does DH call you to whine about how he can't hold his kid, and would you please let him send empanadas to remind SS of home?

No bitch. Go the f*** to bed!

myspoonistoobig's picture

noted Wink

chokinonlemons2u's picture

My exMIL had two Hispanic skids from exFIL first marriage and she learned how to make the most amazing Spanish food. She taught some to me.

My skids are filipino and DH and I eat filipino food quite often. We cook it at least once a week, usually more. I make some mean lumpia! And I am addicted to longinisa.

And I am Cajun so enjoy that food as well!

ETA; Id be begging for some of your husband's cooking and the recipes too if I were her

chokinonlemons2u's picture

Girl, Snooki is visiting and with all six kids in the house there are NO leftovers after dinner, lol.

chokinonlemons2u's picture

Its been okay. She hasn't acted crazy at all. DH has been firm that at 19 he won't hesitate to show her the door if she goes cuckoo for cocoa puffs so its been a pleasant visit so far.

myspoonistoobig's picture

But that would mean that she'd have to admit to SS that he's not white!

chokinonlemons2u's picture

That is a shame. I hate when divorce robs children of their roots because of who gets custody. I teach my skids to be PROUD of who and what they are. Its so important.

bulletproof's picture

The roots thing is funny to me because when SS was 5, he found out he is Mexican (BM is Mexican). He cried! He didn't understand what it meant and no one had ever told him or taught him about his roots, so I had to explain it to him. Thankfully, I am a fluent Spanish-speaker and he adored me at the time so I turned it into an exciting trait for him because of those things, but it was amusing a little that he had such a reaction.

I'm a mutt. Truthfully--5 different backgrounds in me. But I identify most with the one I am the most of, and our daughter will have a name from that culture (it's my great-grandmother's birth name--she changed it when she immigrated to the U.S.). I'm a firm believer in continuing to help kids be proud of who they are!

chokinonlemons2u's picture

It doesn't seem about Oreos at all but a grasp for control. Seriously, can't she find something more generic than oreos to make her child feel comforted?

My skids are Asian so sure I go to.the Asian store and buy them treats that u can only get there because the other filipino children in our area get to enjoy and they also only would get it a few times w their mum a month if I didn't do that for them. But that's not something so breaking generic as Oreos!

My house has American snack foods, Asian treats, and fruit. The snack foods other than fruit are only for after dinner during family time.

We have great respect for our kids Asian culture and would never balk at exploring the foods and traditions but if BM was trying to be controlling over something like Oreos just to push her agenda of having control in our home, I would say no.

myspoonistoobig's picture

It's got to be that, because again, she's already sent him stuffed animals from home, some fruit snack things he likes from home (that are cool with us as per ingredient list)... I mean... what more does she want?

Other than for DH to sign over his parenting rights to TV-dinner Dad. I've gathered that she'd very much like that.

bulletproof's picture

I'm with apples---snacks in our house are also fruits/veggies/healthy things. Treats are exactly that...TREATS!

oldone's picture

If you go to whole foods there is probably some organic oreo equivalent. But that doesn't really matter. Your home your rules.

She is way too involved with what goes on in your home.

myspoonistoobig's picture

Agreed. I've had to talk to DH about just keeping his mouth shut about things he doesn't approve of a time or two. It just leads to stupid BS fights.

And he's gotten SO much better at not driving angry and being rational, and as non-interfering as possible!

The hard part is, she'll ask his opinion on something every once in awhile, then get pissed off when he doesn't agree and do whatever she wanted in the first place.

Having dealt with this a few times now, he just refrains from giving his opinion. Smile

Just J's picture

She wants him to have an Oreo because it would make her feel better about not getting to hold him? Are you f-cking kidding me? That's the stupidest load of crap I've ever heard! What an idiot!

bulletproof's picture

I can't get past that she wants to show her son his value by giving him food. She should be building his character other ways.

I am 100% with you guys on this. I am a food Nazi; cookies in our house are Fig Newtons! lol...unless I make some, but I use whole wheat flour and modify the recipe as much as I can to make it healthier, AND I know my cookies aren't processed! I just showed DH an article the other day about all of the stuff we put in our food in the U.S. that is BANNED in other continents and countries. There were like 10 things! It's insane. He sometimes thinks I go overboard but yesterday we went to dinner with a guy he works with his wife, and the wife worked at USDA once upon a time and her mother works as a cancer researcher. The wife told us that she became a vegetarian because she worked at USDA and learned what goes into American meats, and that her mother told her that A) vegetarians are rarely seen where she works (aka they don't get cancer) and Dirol when they put cancer patients on a vegetarian diet, they tend to get well faster.

I know that last part is dedicated to meat, but a lot of the additives (food colorings/dyes, preservatives) that the U.S. puts in foods are horrible for us, and I don't blame you guys at ALL for doing what you're doing.

myspoonistoobig's picture

Thanks. She kept texting today, talking about how she didn't think it was 'healthy' for DH and I to keep that stuff out of the house because it doesn't teach moderation.

Because at her steadily approaching 300lb MOTY form, she knows how to teach moderation.

I just couldn't get over her telling us that we needed to feed him crap for him to feel value. Seriously? That's like... TEXTBOOK obesity eating issues. Connecting food with reward and comfort ALL THE TIME. I kept telling DH we were overreacting before, letting ourselves think that SS might one day become obese because of how his mom eats. I hear shit like this though, and I worry a little. I also worry about how clearly easy it is for SS to manipulate his mother. He cries, so you're suddenly willing to pick a fight to send him something YOU KNOW he shouldn't have? Really?

Bottom line, no matter what your view on food, if the kid isn't fucking starving you need to keep your 'parenting policy' in your own house.

Drac0's picture

Oreos is to me as Kryptonite is to Superman.

I used to eat them after school as a treat. It started small. I would only eat three. Three became 5. 5 became a whole row. Next thing you know, I was eating a whole bag in one sitting. Like The.Sane.One, I haven't touched an oreo in over 20 years but I kid you not, my weakness for them is still strong. If I walk down the cookie aisle I cannot even look at the pacakage. If somehow I make eyecontact, I start salivating and I become a mess. Heck I cannot even push the shopping cart anymore. I just stand and stare and all those childhood memories of oreos and chocolate milk come flooding back!

myspoonistoobig's picture

It doesn't help that most companies who make foods like that go out of their way to make them addictive.

Onefootout's picture

Wow, an entire philosophical discussion about oreos. I agree with the posters who say your BM is overly controlling and I'll add to that: your BM doesn't know how to take no for an answer, she's overly intrusive, marks her territory, is reluctant to give up her power and status as the supreme decision maker, etc, etc. She's just very passive about how she goes about inserting herself into your life.

I have my personal opinions about eating and diet that might not be 100% compatible with your lifestyle, but I don't make decisions in your house. So as long as there's no abuse going on, no oreos! No oreos is not abusive.

I just love how some parents speak for their children and attribute all kinds of emotions to their kids that their kids may never even have. The kid probably doesn't care that much about oreos, but BM is making it sound like he does.

And your DH should have made that a one way conversation: "Please do not send food over here, this is our house, I'll provide food for my son. I've got to go now, nice talking to you, good bye...(Click, hang up the phone)." No explanations about why he won't have oreos, it's none of her business, not oreos. Other things like the child's health, performance in school, overall emotional well being, those are certainly his mother's business, but whether he gets to eat oreos and why, is not her business IMO.

misSTEP's picture

It sounds like he can eat all the Oreos he wants at BM's house. This is about control. Not about comforts from home. SHE wants to have at least a semblance of control in your house by knowing that you are feeding him stuff you don't agree with.