Vent time..I'm just so tired of this
I haven't been on here in about a year. Life gets the best of me, but also the fact that DH is always checking on what I do on the computer. He is pretty jealous and lies and says he is over that, but he is not. I catch him checking out my phone too whenever he gets a chance, so I get worried he might read these posts I write to get it out of my system and he'll go nuts.
I wish I could say I am excited that SS is a junior now, because I used to think he would move out and go to college once he graduated high school, but I doubt that will happen. As it stands, he will likely go to community college and I will be stuck chauffeuring him around like I do already. He wants to drive so badly and sometimes I wish he would so I wouldn't have to be at his call to drive him here and there but he is a bull in a china shop with no attention to the world around him and so DH and I have refused to let him get his license yet. He is constantly banging into things and breaking things and just says "oops", but he gets mad when I tell him he has to PAY ATTENTION to the world around him if he wants to drive. That would be a pretty big "oops" if you hit someone with a CAR. He insists its the inanimate objects fault for being in his way. Nothing is EVER his own fault.Lately he wants me to help him find a new psychologist because he has self-diagnosed on the internet that he has a new condition he needs to be treated for along with his OCD/Aspergers/ADHD/Tourrette's, now he tells me he has a dissociative depersonalization disorder or something like that, so I have to drive him to those meetings and coordinate everything for him on that front as well, because if I don't the school counselor might report me for negligence since he has convinced her he has this new condition which I feel he just made up.
Honestly his whole relation to me is to ask for stuff. Give me allowance, take me to my friend's house, pick me up from practice, make me food. Me, me, me. SD is the same, especially now that she is starting middle school. DH is out of town for work so many days a week and skids do nothing to help around the house, despite being 16 and 11. I feel like a maid because I don't want to live in the trail of filth they leave behind. I'm tired of the takers, and I hate feeling like this, but if I stop cleaning up after them I will live in the messy pig stye and I just couldn't handle that.
I feel like I cannot have any real friends because my family is so demanding of my time. Many gal in my neighborhood are my age but they have babies and small children and they just hang out together without me. So many times I've prayed I could have a child of my own, but after a year and a half of fertility treatments and surgery, my husband is still a functional alcoholic that can't quit drinking...so I honestly feel we will never get pregnant. I'm already 34 and have been diagnosed with low progesterone and endometriosis, so my chances aren't good anyway. Meanwhile all my friends are having kids, I get to me a servant to my skids or make fun time for DH when he is back in town.Ugh.
I just want to be happy and feel good about life, you know? Have something to look forward to, but even with all the volunteer work I do, I just can't get out of this horrible funk I'm in. I'm so tired of feeling under appreciated, maybe all moms feels this way, I don't know.
I'd love to go back to school and get a degree in a new career (I'm currently a graphic designer) but I don't even know what I'm passionate about. Its like the skids have just sucked the life out of me and I'm just an empty, worthless shell.