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Vent time..I'm just so tired of this

MyMistake's picture

I haven't been on here in about a year. Life gets the best of me, but also the fact that DH is always checking on what I do on the computer. He is pretty jealous and lies and says he is over that, but he is not. I catch him checking out my phone too whenever he gets a chance, so I get worried he might read these posts I write to get it out of my system and he'll go nuts.

I wish I could say I am excited that SS is a junior now, because I used to think he would move out and go to college once he graduated high school, but I doubt that will happen. As it stands, he will likely go to community college and I will be stuck chauffeuring him around like I do already. He wants to drive so badly and sometimes I wish he would so I wouldn't have to be at his call to drive him here and there but he is a bull in a china shop with no attention to the world around him and so DH and I have refused to let him get his license yet. He is constantly banging into things and breaking things and just says "oops", but he gets mad when I tell him he has to PAY ATTENTION to the world around him if he wants to drive. That would be a pretty big "oops" if you hit someone with a CAR. He insists its the inanimate objects fault for being in his way. Nothing is EVER his own fault.Lately he wants me to help him find a new psychologist because he has self-diagnosed on the internet that he has a new condition he needs to be treated for along with his OCD/Aspergers/ADHD/Tourrette's, now he tells me he has a dissociative depersonalization disorder or something like that, so I have to drive him to those meetings and coordinate everything for him on that front as well, because if I don't the school counselor might report me for negligence since he has convinced her he has this new condition which I feel he just made up.

Honestly his whole relation to me is to ask for stuff. Give me allowance, take me to my friend's house, pick me up from practice, make me food. Me, me, me. SD is the same, especially now that she is starting middle school. DH is out of town for work so many days a week and skids do nothing to help around the house, despite being 16 and 11. I feel like a maid because I don't want to live in the trail of filth they leave behind. I'm tired of the takers, and I hate feeling like this, but if I stop cleaning up after them I will live in the messy pig stye and I just couldn't handle that.

I feel like I cannot have any real friends because my family is so demanding of my time. Many gal in my neighborhood are my age but they have babies and small children and they just hang out together without me. So many times I've prayed I could have a child of my own, but after a year and a half of fertility treatments and surgery, my husband is still a functional alcoholic that can't quit I honestly feel we will never get pregnant. I'm already 34 and have been diagnosed with low progesterone and endometriosis, so my chances aren't good anyway. Meanwhile all my friends are having kids, I get to me a servant to my skids or make fun time for DH when he is back in town.Ugh.

I just want to be happy and feel good about life, you know? Have something to look forward to, but even with all the volunteer work I do, I just can't get out of this horrible funk I'm in. I'm so tired of feeling under appreciated, maybe all moms feels this way, I don't know.

I'd love to go back to school and get a degree in a new career (I'm currently a graphic designer) but I don't even know what I'm passionate about. Its like the skids have just sucked the life out of me and I'm just an empty, worthless shell.


Unfreakingreal's picture

You sound miserable. I'm sorry about that. I have found that WE are the cause of our own problems. We allow these situations to unravel all around us and then we are upset when they aren't what we want. If you are unhappy about being a maid to your Skids, then stop being a maid to them. Set rules. Simple ones that they can follow. They need to pick up after themselves and if they don't there will be consequences. Anything on the floor or out of place goes in the garbage. No matter the price. Phones, electronic games, dishes, shoes, WHATEVER is fair game if they refuse to put it in its place. I promise, you will only have to do it once or twice before they get the hint. As far as your DH...why would you want to have a child with A - an alcoholic B- a man that is rarely home & C - a man who refuses to parent his kids and do his fair share & D - a man who has trust ISSUES?? You are not getting pregnant because the Universe is saving you from something. I wish you could step back and see what it is I am reading because you sound like you should be packing your bags and finding yourself a new life ASAP.

bearcub25's picture

Being a bio mom is the same. Those little kids your friends are having grow up to be 11 and 16 also (same age difference as my kids) and they are having the same problems that you are. People truly don't know what goes on for real behind closed doors.

Even so, the skids are growing older and you will start to have more free time for you.

Or you have the option of moving on with your life and living it the way you want too. It is all up to you.

Unfreakingreal's picture

The difference is that the kids YOU are referring to are BIO kids. You can put up with this shit when the kids are YOURS and not feel so shitty, but when the kids aren't yours, you get resentful and miserable like the OP.

bearcub25's picture

Ummmm.....No, you would be wrong.

Went thru a 4 year rough patch while my DH was battling cancer and after he passed away, I had no control over anything.

Then I took back my life.

Not to mention that parents have biokids with ADHD/Aspies and other problems that make life very hard. So it is possible to hate your life when you have bios too.

furkidsforme's picture

This sounds miserable. You're only 34. There's still time. Plenty of time. Get out NOW before you are 50 and asking yourself why you never grabbed for more when you could!

DaizyDuke's picture

I don't have it quite as bad as you do (I don't think I could stick it out if skids were any younger than they are) SD15 moved in with us in April. It has been hell. There is NOTHING I like about it... not one thing. She is lazy, entitled, selfish etc etc... when she first moved in my sanity moments were chanting to myself that "it's only for 3 years" but I have come to realization that just because SD turns 18 and graduates from high school, doesn't mean she is going anywhere. I forsee she won't. She has no motivation and every excuse not to get a job, hell DH even offered to PAY her to do simple stuff around our house, like weed wack, stack wood, etc and she couldn't be bothered. But why should she when she knows that everything will be handed to her?

I have already decided that if she continues to live with us after high school and does not have a job, pay rent etc that I will leave. I can barely tolerate the situation as it is, I know there is no way in hell I can tolerate a grown ass adult mooching off of me.

Unfreakingreal's picture

Ahhhh, the misconception that 18 is the end all, be all, of Skidlife. My Skid, turned 18, 19, 20 and then was months away from turning 21 with no job, no aspirations, no goal, just laid around being a bum. I kicked him out and life has never been better. Now he is 21, with no job, no goals, no aspirations, just laying around being a bum, at his mommas house, where he belongs.

Unfreakingreal's picture

I don't own 100% of the home and I kicked Skid out anyway. I snapped and just did it. No regrets either. Well, the only thing I regret is that now SS21 doesn't speak to his father because he needs to make him PAY for the fact that the evil SM threw his bumass out.