Emotional purging
Some days you just scream inside to get out of your own life, to escape your own existence.
Other than my daughters smile and kiss each morning, I haven’t a single thing I enjoy in my life.
Time spent with my wife is tense, and often uncomfortable. The vibe is rarely warm and there is no affection sent my way,
Time with my step daughter is pure stress. It’s the deterioration of this relationship that has poisoned my marriage. My wife has catered to her endlessly with few rules or boundaries. She has no ability to accept responsibility for anything that does not go her way. She feels entitled to everything. The word no turns her into a demon.
Any rule is ignored and when she is faced with complying she acts shocked and angry.
I keep trying to control the impulse emotions. The ones that scream fuck this!
I am tired of hearing that I don’t care about a b or c. I am tired of being treated like an unwanted dog in my own home. One I pay every bill in, do all the maintenance.
What is done for me? Do I get meals cooked for me? No. Is my laundry done for me? Never. Am I shown any appreciation for what I do for the family, and what I have given up for myself? No.
Don’t we deserve to find some joy in life, happiness for ourselves? When you feel sick to your stomach on a Monday morning as you prepare for another week at a job you do because it pays the bills, but offers nothing else, you are like many. Many people don’t find their jobs rewarding, many loath Monday morning.
But when you have that feeling every day, about going home, about being home. A place where I see my daughter, then avoid all others to try longer to keep my sanity. Every interaction is seems is a stress creator.
A week ago, the counselor my wife and I have seen for over a year really laid some things out clearly to my wife. It felt good but I was also worried it would have a negative impact. I was right. My wife wants to find a new counselor, in fact she already has an appointment for us.
Ive agreed to go, because I have the smallest glimmer of hope that maybe another counselor will say some of the same things to her. Maybe then she will believe them. Its more fantasy than anything else.
I feel like I have already lost my wife. We don’t fight or yell. She is convinced the sky is red, and no matter who tells her otherwise will she try and see its blue.
Thinking about the process and the pain to come is a bit overwhelming. If I could close my eyes, give in to the inevitable, and come out on the other side to try and start healing, somehow. Wouldn’t that be better to continue to suffer daily in the fleeting hope of a happy anding?
I struggle so much understanding it all. One of my greatest fears in marriage was to have a child only to see the marriage fall apart. It was a major part of the failure of my 1st marriage. My Ex wanted to start a family asap, but all I had was fear the marriage would end (it was clearly flawed) and she would take my children to her home out of state.
So when I was in a new marriage years later, the fear remained, but the feelings I had for my wife and family were solid and I had faith we would get through anything together.
So my daughter was born 2 ½ years ago, and its been downhill, accelerating almost since.
I have a wife who was already guilt parenting to some degree, but my wife felt she had to do even more to make up for the step daughter seeing a father interact and love his daughter every day. She never had this so my wife added to the guilt parenting. On top of it all, we have the onset of hormones running through a pre-teen, now a teen. A mother who fears alienating her daughter in any way, so she gives in to virtually everything. Add it all together and you have a broken man, who seems to have lost his wife to his step daughter. I begin to feel the pain of separation from my daughter before it even happens. I feel the loss of the women I loved more than anything. A women who lifted my heart with a smile. I had all the faith in the world we would get through anything together.
But we are separate, in the same house. We are divided. My wife has taken the view that she must choose between me or her daughter.
Divided we fall. I am among the fallen.
- MSloan86's blog
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Comments
So very sorry to hear
You sound so incredibly defeated. I know a degree of your pain, but am fortunate my H refuses to chose his daughter over me. I cannot imagine living in that situation for very long.
No advice today, just hugs and hopes for things to improve. Have you tried writing some of this to her?
I know reading it myself and not even knowing you in person is heart wrenching.
"To be, or not to be: that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them?" ~Hamlet Act III scene I
Hey
I can feel your pain through this blog, man keep the faith, try the new counselor...i can say as a woman i did some of the same thigns initially...my DH is great to my son but i didnt realize that my actions towards my son by giving in to everything was just me trying to over compensate for the fact that my son's bio dad was out of the picture and no matter how many times my DH told me about how my son was acting out i refused to believe it. i mean i even thought my DH was out to get my son and prove that my son was a bad child and no one could tell me any different, but when i prayed about it and understood that i was just advoiding the situation and once i allowed my DH to talk to me about the situation like adults then i realized that i was just trying to cover up what was really going on in my own house and that was that my son needed help dealing with the fact that his real father wasnt there.....i was trying to fill that void by not setting any boundaries, overlooing the obvious because i wanted my son to like me and be my friend but it took my DH to make me aware of that, but first it took me to accept is comments out of love....so keep praying for your family through this hard time and i will keep you in my prayers also
Maybe the new counselor will help
and I know what you mean. When I was still living with H I was looking for a second job just to get out of the house.
I know how difficult it is to live with someone whom you love when everything you say gets converted into an attack and it seems like you are living in a war zone. It is especially difficult because this is the person who vowed to be there to support and uphold you (forgot exact wording).
Stay Strong, and we are here for you..
One can only hope!
I understand what you are
I understand what you are saying about projecting. This is my means of emptying out my thoughts and fears. A fairly small, but impactful event took place this morning that brought up a lot of despair, and this helps me just dump it.
I have my own counselor, who I provide some of my blogs to for our sessions. She also has the freedom to speak with the couples counselor we were seeing.
Blogging this way helps let a little pressure out. Am I on the edge of a total meltdown? Possibly, I do this to help maintain.
MSLoan
I am so sorry and saddened to read your post. I feel for you and my heart and hugs go out to you. Your blog especially hit a nerve with me because I feel as though my DH could have written it about his ex.
She was not spoiling / picking another child over him. But she was picking THINGS over him. He told me that when they were in a apartment, it was "well, if we had a house, things would be better". When he built the house, it was " well, this house is so big, I really NEED this 5,000 vacuum!!" When they had all of that, it became, "Well, WE aren't a family, without children!" My Dh had already wanted to leave her years before, and then they had their child. It didn't make them a family. It drove them even further apart.
To quote your blog...
" I am tired of hearing that I don’t care about a b or c. I am tired of being treated like an unwanted dog in my own home. One I pay every bill in, do all the maintenance. ..... What is done for me? Do I get meals cooked for me? No. Is my laundry done for me? Never. Am I shown any appreciation for what I do for the family, and what I have given up for myself? No."
My DH has said these EXACT same things to me about his EX. He was the means to her end. He was only the paycheck and the handyman providing the lifestyle. He has even said the exact words to me that you wrote, My wife sees the sky is RED, and nothing will convince her otherwise". I'm so sorry MSLoan.
I have 2 things to say... 1. Maybe the new counselor will help - in at least the fact that you can possibly sit down and tell your wife.... I am getting ready to leave... you are pushing me away. This is NOT working. I hope that scares her into realizing what she's about to lose. What have you got to lose at this point by laying it on the line with her?
2. If, unfortunately, you do leave, and it doesn't get better... try to remember my DH. He left his daughter who he ADORES, his dog (us dog lovers know how hard that is!) , and the home that he built to go live in an apartment. He caused a rift in his strict Italian family who thought he shouldn't get divorced. He struggled. And in the end, he found a woman (me) who truly loved him, who truly saw what a FANTASTIC great wonderful guy he truly is. One that looks at him every day thinking that his ex was so stupid and selfish to not see this DIAMOND of a man that she considered "rough". He kept a strong healthy relationship with his daughter, picking her up from daycare / school and talking to her, and by making sure that his nights to have her were nights that he stayed home. He didn't pawn her off to go out to a bar, etc. SD now lives with her dad and I and loves him so much, it makes me proud. YOU CAN HAVE YOUR FAMILY!!! It just may not be the way you first envisioned it.
Best of luck to you. Please let us know how it goes...
lifegoeson
I agree that MSLoan may be feeling overwhelmed. But - I can only speculate from reading his blog - I disagree in the fact that he is not making his wife feel secure or that he is putting himself first.
Maybe I should have asked MSLoan... does your wife work? My DH's ex didn't work full time and he worked 2 jobs... so when she didn't do HIS laundry or make dinner, it was an extra insult.
Staying in the marriage and trying to make it work SHOULD be the first priority. Staying in the marriage because you don't want to pay child support is flawed advice to say the least. Should it be considered? Yes, right alongside the fact that this man could end up living in a loveless marriage for the next 16 years. How will that affect his daughter?
He obviously loves his wife, that's not the question.
My wife stopped working when
My wife stopped working when our daughter was born. We agreed it would be better in the short run and she would go back to work by 3 years old.
I dont even want my wife to do my laundry. Its just a way of saying what is done for me? She takes care of my daughter, and thats important to me.
Im aware my sweet little girl will become a hormone filled teen someday as well. I have 3 sisters, Ive been surrounded by estrogen my entire life. My wife just gives in to everything to avoid fighting with SD or her fear that she pulls further away.
As I refuse to become a servant to SD our relationship had gone south. My wife seesm SDs unhappiness with me and absorbs it.
If I cant make SD happy, I cant make DW happy. Ive tried, and it made me sick.
DW seems to think every situation has to make everyone happy, and if not then SD must be happy. Thats not possible or good for SD in the long run.