No Doubt. You really seem to be between a rock and a hard place. Have you tried disengaging? Might help.

We all smile in the same language

I've experienced this and so has my BF. When I was married, we saw a counselor, along with our daughter, because my ex thought she was depressed after she broke up with a boyfriend. She wasn't, but went anyway. She saw the counselor twice, then the counselor called us in and said she wanted for all of us to meet the next time, and she wanted to talk to my ex about his drinking problems. Well, needless to say that was the end of the counseling. My BF's ex did the same thing when they saw counseling before divorcing. When the counselor came down on her for anything at all...she wanted to get a new counselor because this one didn't understand her.

I totally understand! None of us want to hear that WE have the problem! It's always the other guy!

But if she hears the same piece of advice from another counselor, maybe she will get it. But then that's starting all over from the beginning again.

Do you feel like you could disengage from your SD and her issues? Just focus on your wife & daughter and stay out of the messy stuff? Wouldn't that be better than having to deal with split custody of your daughter? Maybe in a few years when SD is older she will grow out of all this bad behavior?

"I child proofed my whole house, but they STILL get in!"

When FH and I went to counselling, I thought it was to help my daughter with adjusting to his presence in our home. I was so furious with FH and his rotten kids that I was NOT open to criticism about my parenting. FH has a very different parenting style from mine, but mine is the best one for my kid (with a few changes now that things have considerably calmed down). My daughter had several special needs that FH just couldn't relate to and had no idea how to handle. His top-down, "I'm the adult therefore my opinions are more important" attitude towards parenting was just driving her further away from him when they should have been working on developing a relationship.

The counsellor we saw for 2 years had the same approach to parenting as my FH. She empathized with FH and chose to address the issue of respect rather than the cause of his inability to bond with my daughter (his guilt and fear about how his kids felt towards us, plus a genuine dislike for her caused by his inability to relate to her as a person instead of just a child). The counsellor usurped my authority in my own child's life (in his mind), simply because she had a degree and worked with other people's kids.

My point is, at that point in our relationship, I was just not ready to change my parenting. The way I saw it, the kid had gone through enough changes already with FH moving in and his rotten kids tormenting her when they visited. I felt in my heart that if I took the counsellor's advice to be stricter and impose all kinds of new limitations on her, my daughter would just attribute the changes in me to FH, giving her more reason to resent him. In my mind, respect is earned and should go both ways.

We wasted 2 years with this woman who had no regard for my own expertise regarding this very unique child. Perhaps if we'd changed counsellors when I wanted to, we could have addressed the issues that should have been addressed, rather than giving FH more ammunition in his battle to be right.

Now that FH and DD14 have a better relationship, I am open to his input and would welcome appropriate professional advice. I haven't read your story so this might have no bearing on what you're going through. Just thought I'd share our experience. Good luck.

Selkie - you referred to what I was going to write. MSloan... I believe that you may want to try one other counselor. Let me ask you... if you took yourself out of the equation, is the counselor saying things to your wife that you agree with? Then, if the counselor IS correct and saying things you agree with, are they saying it in a way to reach your wife, to help her understand what is going on???

The first question is a no-brainer... I have had counselors say things to me that were so off base that I couldn't believe it. I was like... do you even hear me? And it wasn't that I didn't like what they were saying - I do know the difference between not liking what is being said.. and... what is being said is completely not in the same ballpark... does that make sense?

The second question is possibly a little more helpful. Counseling only helps if the person going WANTS to go and wants to deal with their issues. Is your wife going for you, not thinking she's the issue? And, is the counselor spending more time saying to her.. well, you could try this, without including you somewhat by saying and MSloan could help with this... It's not that you are in the wrong.. but if the counselor is only focusing on DW she might feel attacked and less likely to take any advice given.

Regardless of what your wife thinks about this counselor - What do YOU think?? Because you may need to continue without her. Sorry...

Selkie...why did you continue going for 2 years, if you felt the counselor did't appreciate your own expertise? Yes, sometimes counselors can be way off base...and if you feel that's the case, well then see another one...but if after seeking another one and their advice is the same maybe you need to step back and take a look at the whole picture! I know we ALL think we know what is best for our child, but if we aren't open to others opinions and suggestions, then why seek counseling. Stick, I think you are right, if we don't have an open mind and are only going to counseling to apease our SO, then it's not going to help.

What do YOU think of this counselor? Do you agree with what he/she says to your wife? Maybe this a good counselor for you to continue seeing but not necessarily for your wife. She can always see someone else separately.

And like everyone else has said, counseling will only help if she wants to be helped

I think in order for counseling to REALLY work you BOTH have to be comfortable with the person.

My parents started counseling when I was about 13 because my dad had been "emotionally unfaithful" to my mother. At their first session, after Mom told her story and Dad told his, the counselor looked at my mom and said, "Is he always like this?" Mom always said it made her SO HAPPY but she knew immediately that it was not a good person for them and that they would never be back.

If your wife does not feel comfortable with the counselor, you won't get anything out of it. Whether she is right for feeling defensive and picked on, she IS feeling that way, which prevents real progress.

Does that make sense?

Find someone who makes you BOTH feel picked on AND heard SIMULTANEOUSLY and EQUALLY. Because that's how REAL therapy should make you feel. Like you are facing unpleasant truths about yourself but ALSO being heard and knowing that you can make changes for yhe better. She should feel that you are experiencing those feelings, as well.

Have you tried talking to her about what makes her feel that way? Is she open to giving you specific examples? Try, see how it goes. Don't accuse. In fact, you might start with offering times YOU'VE felt picked on or defensive in therapy. Try to open a dialogue about the feelings and what prompts them. It might help.

Also - try meeting her halfway about issues that are not TOO important. I mean, ok, if that situation came up with my DH, he would tell me that when I said that to his child, he felt like I was saying that I didn't care if the child ate breakfast, which in turn made him feel like I don't care about the child's best interest. Then I would let him know that that was not the intention and TOGETHER we would figure out a way to make BOTH of us feel better - me about the kid's behavior, and him about my response. Ultimately, this is not such a huge deal - a compromise might be that she wakes the child up 10 minutes earlier and SD finishes her breakfast before leaving home. Then you are giving DW the feeling that you care about her kid's needs, and YOU aren't being driven nuts by the mess.

Just a thought...

Wow - you've been going to counseling for a year and DW won't even stick up for you when it comes to a can of protein shake... I'm sorry - but you don't have too much choice here, huh...

I don't know how you can proceed. And I understand that you are saying you cannot live by disengaging... I never suggest it, because I know that I could not do it. I applaud the ladies here that can and do, but I cannot. It would drive me crazy and I'd be fighting with my Significant Other every single day. So, although it sounds like good advice, I wouldn't be one to say try it.

And getting a divorce? Wow. That's a tough cookie to swallow too. Your wife's stepdaughters and bio daughters lives hang in the balance.

You hear the fat lady warming up. But does your wife? Does she know how perilously close she is to losing you... losing it all? What can you do to SHOCK her into not only facing that fact, but BELIEVING it? I know you are in couples counseling, but why does she not understand the severity of this situation? I'd hate to think that she is like my DH's ex... the perennial victim... the one who never does anything wrong. Because if she is... even your divorcing her won't help her "get it". Best of luck to you. I'm really sorry.