Still dealing with the same issues as in the beginning.
I thought that my husband was over the whole sleeping with his daughter when she was 5, but recently she has been coming in our room at night telling him she is having nightmares. Instead of taking her back to her bed patting her on the head telling her it will be ok,and even staying with her till she falls asleep. No! He takes her to the guest bedroom where he gets in bed with her and they sleep the night in there. She is 11years old now, and I don't find this appropriate. I can't hardly say anything because I look like the evil stepmom. My stepdaughter has recently started becoming real clingy of my husband bemanding alone time with him and even telling him she is scared of me. She has nothing to base her fears on so she blames me getting upset about her eating her younger sisters chocolate like 6 months ago. I think she is trying to play and minupulate her Dad and divide him and I. I have no clue what to do or if I'm feeling the right way. I was very hurt when my husband told me what she said and I feel he blames me for this. I do so much for the both of them, I drive her to gymnastic 4days a week, buy her clothes, etc, spend time, money, effort, and feel like none of its appreciated. I told my husband that if she feels so scared of me than maybe her Mom can drive her to gymnastics. The funny thing is she never acts scared of me and when we have our talks she always tells me how wonderful a stepmom I am. So is this manipulation for her Dads attention? What should I do?
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It does certainly seem like
It does certainly seem like manipulation to get dad's attention. It's not that unusual for kids to be jealous of other people getting their parent's attention. Shoot, that might even happen within bio families where a child is clinging and getting in between the parents.
I have to say I am a big proponent for kids sleeping in their own beds. I believe that it is very important for couples to sleep together in their own bed because it is a bond of intimacy between them. When you stop sleeping with your SO.. I think it can cause a rift. Now, I understand some people do have to sleep separately due to heavy snoring etc.. but in most situations I think people benefit from sleeping in the same bed with their partner.
I actually heard my brother and his wife have been pretty much taking turns over time putting their son (5) to bed. By putting him to bed.. they mean sleeping with him. Now, the kid is an only child of older parents. He certainly has all the makings of a spoiled kid. He doesn't want for much. He also is a pretty polite kid in public but apparently he does rule the roost at home. I think my brother and his wife do a lot to avoid conflicts.. which I honestly don't see as particularly helpful in the long run. But.. now.. they are starting to have serious marital problems and I really feel like I could have predicted this since they haven't been sleeping together for a long time. It's created a space between them that wouldn't be there otherwise.
That is the reason that your DH really needs to curb this situation. It sounds like he is taking the easier way out by just sleepily taking her to the guestroom and falling back asleep with her vs taking her back to her room and sitting with her until she falls asleep then coming back to his own bed. I am not discounting the need for the child having a bad dream... but he shouldn't need to sleep in another room with her on a regular basis and should be helping her learn how to get herself soothed and back to sleep in her own room.
Response
Trust me she knows how to sleep on her own, and this has been a recent thing. She brings up this behavior when she wants her Dad all to herself, and it works like a charm on him. SD has been also telling him she is scared of me and why did he get custody just to make her watch her little sister, which is all untrue. Her Sister goes to daycare and by the time I pick her up, I'm driving SD to gymnastics. But SD knows just saying these things to Daddy gets her way with him. She doesn't do chores, or have any responsibilities other than when she wants money. Her Dad only asks that she helps get her Sis ready in morning cause he is rushing to make breakfast etc. But she even complains about doing that and acts like he only got custody to make her do that. I just stay out of all that, just really hurts that he allows the manipulation and allows her to talk such garbage .
These issues haven't been
These issues haven't been resolved and there is nothing you could have done or can do to change that. Your DH is the one who needs to stop catering to her manipulations.
If you have tried talking to him about this and he only argues about it and turns it around on you as though you are the one with the problem it is time to drag him to therapy if you must.
Come in
when I was 11 and had a bad dream. I would never go to my parents. She like in the 5 th grade in school.
She is almost old enough to baby sit you are being played
played
I work very early mornings so my DH has to get the girls ready and off to school/daycare. He asks his OD to help get YD ready while he makes them breakfast, and she complains about it saying she feels he only got custody of her to make her watch her Sis. I told my DH even in ND homes siblings still have to help out the younger ones out.
Never
Yea I would have never went into my parents room at that age. In fact I stopped going in my parents room about 4 years of age. I especially wouldn't have wanted to sleep in bed with my Dad either, plus my Dad would never have done that.
Call me Old Fashioned
Call me old fashioned, but I cannot ever think of a time that it would be appropriate for an adult male to sleep with his 11 year old daughter. He is being played for a sucker, and I really hate to say it, but this behavior will never change- —only the situations will change as she gets older. In my personal situation, my hubbys divorce guilt went from him spoiling his sons, to enabling, to doing everything for them. Thank heavens you have a good head on your shoulders, and can see things the way they truly are...you are not alone, and thankfully have a place to vent!!
Thank You!
Thank you! Just having someone tell me that is like being able to breath.
I wouldn't do anything for
I wouldn't do anything for her anymore. If you are working that hard for the kid and neither she nor her father recognize it, quit. When he has to work out transportation for her, or she has to quit gymnastics, maybe they'll realize that it's better to show you appreciation. And when that kid asks you for anything, the answer is, "But I thought you were afraid of me...aren't you afraid to ask me for things since I'm so mean to you?" Call her out and make sure she knows that you are aware of the BS she is telling her father. And let him go sleep with her, but when he wants some intimacy, tell him when he finally stops leaving the bed to sleep with another female, you will be ready and willing. He needs to rehearse the words, "You're fine, go back to bed." That's what I say to my five year old. It works.
It sounds like the dynamic is
It sounds like the dynamic is new for her being in your home full time (or relatively new). It would be easy to see how she might see her dad and you favor the younger child. In reality, it's because the other child and is not in the same self sufficient place and is not as mature.. but still, she sees herself as cinderella in the story of her life. At age 11, she may be experiencing other changes that make her moody and confused about how she is feeling. Some kids cling more in a childish way. And in her case, I can see how she feels she is having to compete for attention with your DH since there is also you and a younger sister in the mix.
Ultimately, he is not doing her favors by coddling her with the sleeping thing. He needs to perhaps put more emphasis on the fact that because she IS the older sister that he does expect more of her because she is more capable.
Not really SD
This is more a DH problem than an SD problem. If she has a bad dream and comes to him, he should simply take her back to her room and tuck her in and assure her all is good. Maybe even lay with her for a couple of minutes, but then go back to his own bed. He also should be ripping her a new one when she says stupid shit like she's "scared of you". But as others have said.. not too scared to take gifts, money, rides, food etc. There are times when BS8 will say "daddy doesn't like me" because DH has gotten on him about something that was warranted and I tell BS8 that's ridiculous if daddy didn't like him, why does he pick him up from school, take him shopping, get him pizza, give him money etc. I also tell him that's rude and he shouldn't speak about his father that way.
Why are these simple things so difficult for guilty daddies?
Hurt
That's what hurts me the most, he doesn't stick up for me to SD at all or remind her of all the wonderful things I do. Im just going to stop doing all those things. Im tired of being the kicked dog for everyone.
Ugh...it isn't any easier...
...when SD is 32 and still acting this way. Before we married, my near-adult SD told my husband she didn't trust me. It's such a vague accusation (like fearing you) that it's hard to defend yourself. You're the evil SM just by virtue of the fact that the kid says that to him. You've got a little master manipulator there!
There's all sorts of literature out there discouraging parents from sleeping with kids. Show him that. If he still does it, he's made a choice to drink the kid's Kool-aid. I fear you're in for a long road.
I've read the literature out
I just can't get him to read the literature or even listen about it. I have made copies and gave them to him, but nothing won't even look at it. I quit doing anything for either one of them. I told him I will no longer drive SD to gymnastics since she is so scared of me. I'm done doing their laundry etc. If I can't get respect from either one of them, than I won't kill myself showing them respect they don't deserve.
I don't find sleeping in a
I don't find sleeping in a bed with an 11 year old appropriate either. When I first met DH, his daughter was 11. She was also super clingy and would sit in a booth at a restaurant with her dad and lay her head in his lap. It looked so inappropriate from the other end of the table where I would sit. It took months...maybe actually years, for DH to get SD to curtail much of the clinginess, but he did. I think he started to feel uncomfortable with it too after I told him that it looks like he's on a date with his daughter.
If she's saying she's scared of you, you should stop doing everything that you do for her. It's ridiculous. She's being manipulative and ungrateful.