You are here

My Ex and the new "Stepmom"

MissV's picture
Forums: 

Hi folks... Long time lurker, first time poster, and really needing a vent

My ex-husband and I have been divorced for about ten years.  I've since remarried and live in a blended family with my two sons and three stepchildren.  I've only referred to myself as a stepmom after all my husbands children were more than comfortable with it... in fact, they called me stepmom before I did.  I always took a hands-off (but warm) approach with them, never asserted myself as a diciplinarian, never forced family time, and have made myself available to help (as a friend) or be a person they can talk to whenever needed.  As a result, I have a special relationship with each stepkid that was built organically over years, and that equipped us to weather the ups and downs of blended life.  

My ex-husband has for the most part been an absentee parent.  He would call them once a month at best, and would have them stay with him a couple weeks out of the year, provided I split the cost of travel (we've always lived far apart since separating).  He's managed to pay only a tiny fraction of what a child support order would compel him to.  As a result of his choices and behavior, he has missed out on everything.  According to him, none of this is his fault, and blames me for where he is in life, and his status as a parent.   He's respectful and nice only when he want's something and resorts to name calling, leaving abusive voicemails and bashing to friends and family if he doesn't get his way.  One day I just couldn't bring myself to answer the phone when he called me, and since that day I choose to only communciate with him by text or email.

My Ex has had a string of failed relationships, but over the past year he met someone and recently moved in with her.  She has two older teenage children, both of which she has zero custody.  Since he's moved in with her, he now has an overwhelming interest in having more time with his kids.  In fact, he's being extremely pushy about it and if I don't agree, he resorts to rudeness and accusing me of parental alienation. He and the new girlfriend fail to understand that we have a life and their needs and wants are not at the forefront of our thoughts and planning.  I agreed to send the kids for three weeks and he blew a gasket!   Bear in mind, I have 100% physical custody, and legally don't need to lift a finger.  But I love my kids, and they love their Dad, so I try my best to give them time with him without turning myself into a total doormat.  

His girlfriend seems to have trouble understanding helathy boundaries.  He shares our text conversations with her and she helps him respond.  She also refers to herself as my kids Stepmother and plasters her Facebook page with their pictures.  My Ex also calls her the kids Stepmother.  My kids have met her twice, and she's a Stepmother?!!  Really?!   

Now, I'm all for the kids having more love and positive influences in their lives, and it's great they get along.  That is a gift.  However, I can't understand what thoughts permiated their  skulls making them believe the title of Stepmom is appropriate or earned in her case.  If my kids were still young, and she and my ex were married... sure!!!  at least then it would make some sense because she might have a hand in raising them.  It's like they live in ass-backwards land where you get to do none of the work and reap the rewards. 

My apologies for the long rant; honestly it could have been much longer.  I'm just exasperated.  The years dealing with one asshat was difficult enough, but now I have two to deal with.  These entitled pieces of human garbage have no idea what it takes to raise a kid into a teenager, or what it means to be a setpparent.  The whole thing makes me feel like I had to run the marathon while these jerks got to jump in at the last mile to accept their parenting medal. 

I'm sure at some point I'll have to reframe my thoughs to maintain some sense of sanity, but that's not going to be today.  At least, at the end of the day I get to sleep at night knowing that I raised two amazing, bright, responsible and loving boys and made a positive impact on my equally wonderful stepchildren.   

Ispofacto's picture

It seems like a lot of CPs consider themselves to be The Parent, and think of the NCP as the The Junior Parent.

Both parents are equal parents.  In fact, many states are moving toward a presumption of 50/50 custody.  It doesn't matter what he did before.  He wants to be active in their lives now.  He is one of their parents.  Both of you are tied for #1 on the list of priorities.  Both should see the kids as much as possible.  It doesn't matter who he's dating, or what he calls her.  That's none of your business.

If they want to consult one another on communication, that is also out of your control, and none of your business.

If the SM wants to set rules in their household, that's also none of your business.

 

tog redux's picture

How old are your boys? I would be wary of your ex and his new GF trying to alienate them from you, I wouldn't give them 3 weeks at a time. They sound like the type to try to convince the kids to live with them, and badmouth you - and if they've been longing for a relationship with their dad, they might be ripe for it.  I'd make sure there is some kind of official order (even if you two draft it yourselves through mediation or whatever). 

As to your original question, there are lots of women on here who call themselves "stepmom" when they are new girlfriends and not even married, so I don't think that's unusual. The posting pictures of kids she doesn't know is. (The helping your spouse deal with his ex is common on here too, I did it as well - but I had lots of evidence that the ex was in fact the problem, whereas this woman seems to be taking his word for it).

Anyway, prepare your kids and tread carefully here.  

ETA - just saw the "entitled pieces of human garbage" - that seems a bit harsh!  Your ex does have a right to see the kids, and better late than never.  Just keep your guard up.

ESMOD's picture

I think you are conferring some weight to the term stepmother/stepmom because it has the word "mom" in it.  Technically, I would say she is not a stepmom because she isn't married to your EX.. but in their rush to present themselves as a "perfect union" to the world... for lack of a better word and maybe just for ease of explaining the relationship.. they are using stepmom vs girlfriend of the bio father (which is a little awkward to say..lol).

It sounds like your ex has not really pulled his weight throughout the years.. and I can understand being frustrated with him wanting to present himself as father of the year and swoop in to grab the affections of kids that you put so much hard work into.

But, they ARE his kids.. and they likely do love him and want a relationship with him.  Unless you see something harmful in his home (drugs/abuse).. I think you need to try to think about the fact that kids with two parents in their lives are better off generally and that there is always the chance that he has matured to the point where he may actually be more of the father he needs to be. 

That doesn't mean you can't attempt to collect some of that  back CS though.. and it doesn't mean you have to disrupt your life and the kids lives unnecessarily.  I think you should try to let him have time with his kids.. maybe more than you would prefer even.. but the kids should have a chance to get to know him.

The fact that his new GF is playing SMOTY... it's not like the people that matter believe that or even care... and in the end.. if she is one more person in your kids' corner? isn't that better than one fighting them?

MissV's picture

Okay... thanks everyone.  It was just a rant.  Thought this was the place to vent.  

I've never kept my kids from their father.  Any time he has told me that he wants to see them, I make it happen, regardless of his ability to pay, or the loooooong stretches of time inbetween where nobody hears from him.  He wanted them for the entire summer, and we just couldn't do it ... becuase you know... we have lives.

Sorry to bug... first post will be my last 

 

Thanks!

 

ESMOD's picture

I guess most people come here for venting but also advice.  Maybe some thought what they posted would help or calm your concerns.

I would agree that a whole summer would probably be excessive given the history.. and of course the kids have lives.. you too. 

I'm sure it is frustrating to have a guy that has to date not been a stellar parent.. want to swoop in and swipe the cherry of the parenting cake so to speak.  As tog Redux mentioned.. you may be right in wanting to be cautious with a drastic change sometimes the "new wife" sees changes in custody as a way to get their guy out from under a financial obligation to the ex.  It's tough to guage motivations.

tog redux's picture

Nobody was harsh with you - I'm confused? Yes, people vent, but we also give advice and feedback.

You have to understand that most of us are the wives of men whose exes have alienated them from their kids - while saying they would "never keep them from their father".  So it probably hits a sore spot with many of us.  But to me, they sound more likely to alienate than you.

 

Rags's picture

Damned straight he does not get the entire summer.  For a deadbeat who makes next to no effort to demand the entire summer to placate his new GF is just another example of how much of a POS this idiot is.

IMHO, 3 weeks is far too generous of a summer visitation offer for this idiot.

The last does matter, a dead beat uninvopatent who suddenly wants ts to crown themselves as I boy and carriage?  Nope.  Way too many alarm bells and way too much negative parenting  inertia to overcome.  IMHO baby steps are the way to go and he only gets more access as he earns it with  engaging with the sons, paying his own travel costs and making up a pile of CS arrears.  He needs to get his ass on a plane and come to visit his sons regularly before he gets extended summer visitation.

smh

ndc's picture

I totally understand your feelings toward your ex.  It's not fair for him to pop in and out of your kids' lives when the mood strikes him, and then expect you to ship them to him for an extended period of time because he decides he wants to play dad.  It's not right for him not to pay his fair share or not to have done any of the heavy lifting to get your kids to the point where they are good, contributing members of society. But it might be that it's HIM that grew up and wants to play dad, not the girlfriend.  Who knows?  Regardless, I certainly wouldn't send them to him for an entire summer - that's not fair to you and it certainly is disruptive.  I can't imagine teens would want to leave their activities and their friends for weeks at a time for a dad they don't have much of a relationship with.  But I think your issues are with HIM, not his girlfriend.  I personally wouldn't care about what they call her or what she calls herself.  But if you DO care, then vent away - that's what we're here for.

GrudgingSM's picture

Holy hell what happened on this thread? OP I don't know if you're still reading, but if you are I really understand how infuriating it is to have an uninvolved parent who barely shows interest in their kids all of a sudden wanting to play family when he partners up. And it's straight up gross that she's calling herself stepmom and posting pictures of kids that she has met twice so that she can present a picture of a family. But I also hope that your sons can see who has lived family as a verb versus who wants a picture of family for social media. That doesn't mean they shouldn't have a relationship with their dad to, but I definitely saw my parents for who they were and how hard they try to parenting.

Yes, this should be a place for venting, and you even stated that it was a vent to begin with. If any of the advice is useful for sure take it but otherwise no people are projecting their own family situations on yours. Because yeah I agree a non-custodial parent who calls once a month and has the kids for a summer visit is a shit parent.

SteppedOut's picture

Right!? And requesting ALL summer is insane given his track record. 

OP, since he is finally so ready to be a dad, I guess that includes paying child support? He definately should be doing that since he didn't do anything else! 

 

Rags's picture

Past behavior being the best predictor of future behavior, give your X clarity that his parade of SOs over the years does not make his flavor of the month mate an SM and he does not need to be engaging her as an SM to your kids.  In a year or two after they have married, sure. But... .until then he needs to label her as his GF and she will be "dad's GF" in conversations that you have with your boys regarding dad and his GF.  Nothing nasty, just the facts.

If he adjusts his ongoing behaviors regarding this woman, she may very well be a long term part of your boy's relationship with their dad.  In that case, great. Until then.... she is the GF. He and she can crown her SM when the boys are with them.  Their home, their call.

I would say that with his new found energy to parent, that it is time to go after his CS arrears.  See how much energy he maintains once he is held accountable for the CS he has been dodging.

IMHO of course.

advice.only2's picture

No judegemt here, my ex opted not to be a parent, but when he got engaged he and fiancé wanted to meet BS.  They spent the whole visit trying to play happy new family and took plenty of photos.  After said visitation ex and his fiancé never made contact with BS again. 

Lifer33's picture

I hope youre feeling better.

I'm not surprised you're angry with the man, as others have said chase him for the child support!

I'd hope I'm not the only one who finds the sm situation creepy. I read all the time about people who just don't understand boundaries, but this woman doesn't have custody of her own kids?! Do you know why that is? Definitely don't let them stay the 3 or 4 weeks, its just off how she's showing so much interest in your children 

justmakingthebest's picture

We don't know why she doesn't. One of my good friends doesn't have primary custody of her kids. She is a great mom. She is going to school full time and works. She gets the kids on the weekends and does as much as she can. She can't afford for them to have the house and things like they have at their dad's right now so she is doing the best she can and is working to progress in life for them. 

It doesn't say that they kids were taken from her, CPS was involved, etc. They might just be able to have more at their dad's and she allows that because that is what is best for them. 

justmakingthebest's picture

I understand your frustrations as a BM. 

I think that this is an "excitement" and "honeymoon" phase. Ignore anything that is annoying- pictures aren't hurting anyone, what she is calling herself isn't hurting anyone.

The fact that he is sharing texts and she is helping to respond- ALL THE SM's HERE do that. Our husbands have been so beat down by their ex wives and the court system that we have to help and support them. 

If you find out information that would put your kids in danger, get involved.

If it is just your ex becoming a better dad, growing up, trying to mend the relationship with his kids (even if it is with the assistance of the GF)- let it happen. That is what is best for your kids. You need to look at her as just someone else to love and support your kids. This is a good thing. 

AgedOut's picture

Parenting is not a revolving door and I fully grasp your anger when he treats it like it is. I would go after the child support, it's meant for the kids and if he's decided to make himself 'Dad of the Year' shirts and mugs, he damn well can live up to his full responsiblity. That and his past track record for visits is all I'd give extra thought to.

You cannot control him sharing texts/e-mails and her wording them for him. So many here do that so their glass houese aren't  crack free. You cannot control his new GF's desire to retitle herself. Try, it's hard but try, to let those things go. 

But the missing support, the truth to his lies, those things you can deal with.