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Uncaring H??? My hospital visit. I despise my husband...

MrsFitMama's picture

I am soooooo upset right now, on the verge of tears (seems to be the usual thing for me right now). I feel a bit traumatized and my body is really fatigued from it. I was working yesterday which requires me to be on my feet for hours at a time. In the middle of the shift, I go to use the bathroom and see blood. But then more blood, and a little more. I don't know what the heck this is... of course I start freaking out because it's definitely more than spotting and almost seems there's a tiny bit of tissue. I walk back and my boss notices I'm not myself and I start tearing up. At this point, he doesn't know I'm pregnant. But they won't have me working if I told them and my family needs the money! I break up and start crying and tell him. My boss was so kind about it and took it extremely seriously. Apparently similar happened to his gf. He gives me permission to call who I need to. Of course I text DH and then call him but he doesn't answer. I call my mom who comments that "maybe it's just not meant to be and that God won't let you have a baby that isn't well." Which didn't make me feel any better. I call the doctors office, explained to them and recall that I was feeling extremely sick yesterday. The immediately direct me to the hospital. So since this is my first, and I've never been through this before, I REALLY begin to panick. DH calls and I tell him what the dr told me and asked if he would go with me, "I can't, I have a full schedule til 8 for work today." My blood boils and I feel hatred build... here I am freaked out of my mind, panicking and I get THAT?!?! He might have had 2 daughters from a previous relationship but this is MY first!!!!! AND I"M SCARED!!!!!! I hung up the phone... and since I just moved to Sacramento, I had no idea where any hospitals were- oh and I mentioned that to DH too. I felt left alone, hung out to dry. So I was able to pull one up with my cell which was beginning to act up at this point (of course it was). There were a few hospitals, I had no idea which to pick from. I wound up at some ghetto hospital downtown. I tried checking my phone and as luck would have it, all the buttons on my stupid blackberry decided to up and stop working. I tried everything! Pressing buttons hard, throwing it, removing the battery, setting it down. NOTHING. I couldn't help but chuckle that "serves my husband right. For being a jerk, I can't let him know what's going on." Is that wrong? I don't know but I feel justified about it... almost like God took that moment into his hands cause guess what??? I was at the hospital for 4 hours and no one could reach me, unfortunately, I couldn't reach anyone either though. I was a priority when I got there but as ambulances rolled up, my name went further down the list. I had blood tests and an ultrasound and just waited for word from the dr. What was supposed to be an hr and half turned out way longer. I was about to leave when a nurse stopped me and said she would help me (God bless her). In 15 minutes she had a bed. The dr came in and saw me and said they rule out ectopic but they term this as a threatened miscarriage. I should get a lot of bed rest. He said he saw the "egg sack" and it is implantation bleeding but to try to rest so it implants right since blood...." Anyway you get the juxt.
I didn't get home until 9p (I went in around 3/330p) and DH said he was worried and asked what happened. He was relieved then slightly disappointed that we can't have sex for 3 weeks- which just got on my nerves. Of course I walk into the kitchen and dishes are still there. I comment that I'm starving and he doesn't say anything so I go to the kitchen to make myself something and he makes himself some cereal. I come to the room and he looks at my food and grabs my fork, stops then comments, "oh but you didn't make much huh?" didn't say it rude, just matter of fact. Immediately I get heated and was like, you said you weren't hungry!!! Besides, you should have offered to make me something after today! OMG that makes me SO mad. I feel like everything is about him!!!! If he had been at the hospital, even with a decent outcome, I would have offered to make him something! I feel like he can care less!!! Then his words of "solace" and "comfort" when I told him I was still scared last night were heartless and you worry too much, you are going to speak your negative thoughts into existence!!! OK WHAT JUST HAPPENED TO ME??? Am I not allowed to worry???!!! Cray 2
I'm not sure how to reach my husband about how I'm feeling or how he made me feel and that I felt uncared about... I mean, he knows I am to be on bedrest and the sink is full of dishes! Sad

Comments

hismineandours's picture

I'd have to agree here. You had to go to the hospital-of course your spouse should be there. I cant imagine my dh calling me and saying he was told to go to the ER for anything and me saying-oh sorry I am busy at work and then not hearing from him for hours would freak me out and I'd be calling all over to the ER's to try and locate him-then I sure as hell wouldnt expect him to make some supper and do dishes when he got home. WOW.

forestfairy's picture

OMG, what an asshole. You have every right to so upset and furious. I would have been scared to death. He should have dropped everything and RAN.

My boyfriend (who lives 40 miles away) rushed up after work without me asking yesterday because my car overheated on the freeway and died (luckily I made it off the freeway but was blocking traffic and sent me into a panic), because he thought I would be stranded. I could have taken the bus home (and ended up getting a ride from my tow truck guy), but he knew I was upset and stressed out and might need help.

THAT is what a man should be doing for his partner. I want to hit your husband over the head with a frying pan.

Maybe you should write him a letter to explain your feelings and what he should have done to help you.

I'm so sorry that happened to you.

alwaysanxious's picture

U sure you want to stay with him? He's really a jerk. You spent hours in the ER and he's worried about dinner?

alwaysanxious's picture

yes!

My SO immediately wanted to come to the doc with me. He bought me flowers and just let me mope for a few days.

Auteur's picture

Sounds like secretly, your clod of a "D"H didn't want to have any more children than his previously enjoyed family.

I'd be planning my exit strategy and also be careful not to have a baby with this horrendous idiot!!

((Hugs))

briarmommy's picture

I am so sorry this happened honey, I had a misscarrage when I was younger and felt so alone and didn't tell anyone but my best friend, I stayed at his house for days while I recovered. There is no excuse for him not to drop everything and come to you, my gay best friend left work for me, dropped everything and came as soon as I called before I even knew what was happening, if a gay man who is just a friend can do that why can't your dh? I would consider seriously whether you want to stay with a man like this for the rest of your life.

Stepmom_Lori's picture

I'm sorry you had to go through that. I agree with everyone else, your DH was being an insensitive ass.
He should have been there with your regardless of whether or not it's his first pregnancy. I had 2 miscarriages in the past and I would have been livid if my DH didn't drop everything to be at my side.

As far as the bleeding is concerned, I had quite a few bleeding episodes when I was pg with my DS. One time at 10 weeks I ended up taking an ambulance ride to the ER because I was bleeding so heavily. It turned out that I had a subchorionic hematoma which can be common in pregnancy and usually resolves itself. Try not to worry too much about the bleeding now and keep thinking positively!

MrsFitMama's picture

I'm trying to keep calm because I'm still bleeding but it's just simmering because I'm SO furious and I don't think I can hold back that "I hate you." I can feel it. I may go to a hotel for a couple of days to be alone. I don't have friends here because I moved out of state only 4 months ago.

overit2's picture

I'm so sorry you experienced this. Guys that show the most selfish when you're pregnant are just showing you waht they will be from here on out.

My exh was that way-and till this day those things burn me and still hurt me that he could be that way-everything else I've been able to get over but those hospital/birth moments just stay with me.

With my first he almost left the u/s appt to determine the sex because he'd forgotten to place the work order in...after son was born he went back to work the next day (and belive me he was a lazy ass who spent months/years unemployed but yet these times became a workaholic conveniently)...and when he took us home for the first time he sped down interstate to get his order in before a certain time of the day.

I was in a car wreck that had my vehicle totalled when 7 mo preggos w/my 2nd son-transported by ambulance, terrified, labor started and was stopped several times through the night. He came over for less then an hr and decided to go home because he had to work the next day and was tired...my dad was there and got on him because he should call work and be with his wife who was in a serious wreck-he didn't care....I was scared all night-he didn't pick me up the next day at noon as promised-wasn't there for the ultrasound to make sure everything was ok-picked me up at 5pm.

During labor w/my 2nd-he barely went but to one dr appt....the last one, I was 3 weeks early and in labor and high blood pressure-sent to the hospital and he was going home to get my labor/delivery bag and be right back. He showed up 6 hours later after I labored/walked on my own, because he was TIRED and wanted to take a nap and shower and relax. He didn't help coach me through the pain and told me to get the epidural (which I didn't want) and get it over with he didn't have it in him to help me out. '

Then he went BACK to sleep and dr/nurse yelled at him to get up because I'm sitting there ready to push waiting on his ass to wake up and go wash his face and figure out what was going on. AGAIN-he went home the next day (which was his bday) to watch our oldest son and bitched and griped about how he had to spend his bday "babysitting his son" (while im in the hospital having delivered a baby). I came home to a dirty home and when I complained he yelled at me and verbally abused me worse then any time I can remember how I was selfish and he had to spend his bday at the house-and I was going to be at home doing "nothing" and could clean up then-mind you I'm also going through huge hormone changes/rushes and had hardly slept in days. I will never EVER forget the feeling of pain and despair and anguish I felt-I literally fell to the floor sobbing and I never forgave him for his behavior w/that pregnancy/labor/birth time. Is it no wonder my sons both want little to do with him??

My parenst were out of the country-I had nobody to help-I was terrified of having a newborn and 19mo old at home alone. I developed serious post-partum depression that lasted a couple years and became suicidal. A man shows you his character in how he behaves towards you during this time when he should have more empathy and kindness then ever. My suggestion: Cut your losses and don't make your life miserable. I got out when my youngest was 2 1/2 and it should have been sooner.

RaeRae's picture

Your story sounds similar to mine, with my first husband. It's such a horrible feeling... My exH was ok with the first delivery, but the rest were horrible. When our 3rd child was born, the nurses absolutely hated him. When my son was born, the poor nurse had tears in her eyes and handed the baby to me, and said to exH "This is HER baby." Same story as yours when we got home, house was dirty, and as we walked in the door, he asked me to make him tuna. We had our 4th, I didn't allow him in the room for labor and delivery. I had the hospital call him hours later, after my son and I had bonding time together.

I hate insensitive, uncaring husbands.

Shannon61's picture

Yes your DH is indeed a insensitive clod and if you want your marriage to work you're going to have to tell him . . . everytime he does something insensitive or disregards your feelings/well-being.

What he should have done was:

Took off work (going back later if necessary)
Gave you HIS cell phone so you could keep him posted
Picked you up from the hospital
Spoke to the doctor to gain perspective
Stopped on the way home for take-out (so YOU wouldn't even have to think about cooking)
Washed the dishes in the sink (dirty dishes gross me out too so I understand)
Comforted you by telling you everything would be ok and that you're a team and would get through it together
Told you your health was the top priority when you mentioned the issue regarding his "needs"

Since he didn't do these things. It's time for the old slam. Put your foot in his !@!@ and tell him what you told us, how it made you feel, and what you expect.

My DH is also insensitive. A few weeks ago he woke up w/a upset tummy. So I got out of bed at 4:30 am and made him some chamomile tea. He feel asleep like a baby. Last week DH was watching a basketball game. This time I had a queasy stomach and retreated to our bedroom. DH didn't come and check on me once during the commercial break, 1/2 time, double time, no time. I slammed him good and his excuse was "I was watching the game." So I reminded him that I got up out of my sleep to help him but he'd put a stupid game before me? He got it and apologized. I'm prepared to do this every time he does something insensitive. . .until he finally gets it. And if he doesn't he'll wish that he had.

Going forward, I wish you the very best.

alwaysanxious's picture

I'm really sorry. About two months ago I lost my pregnancy. Just started bleeding. It was heartbreaking.

RB's picture

I'm really sorry you are having to go through this. Men don't think sometimes, but that doesn't excuse his behavior. Try to rest as much as you can and do go to a hotel if you have to in order to rest. Please let a family member or friend know where you are just in case things go poorly with the pregnancy (hopefully everything will be fine!). Do you have an OBGYN where you are? Keep in touch with them if you do. The doctor will want to keep track of what is going on. The bed rest is really important!

I had a miscarriage a few years back. The doctor hoped it wouldn't happen but suspected the process had already started. I went to the doctor on a Friday and by Saturday evening the process had started. My DH, the kids and I were traveling. We shouldn't have tried to travel, but my DH and I were in complete denial that the miscarriage would happen. Anyhow, I don't think my DH realized how serious the situation was until it actually happened and, at that point, I think he was more scarred than I was. Anyhow, a year later I got pregnant and everything went like it was supposed to this time.

I hope everything works out OK. If your DH doesn't shape up, be done with him. From what I read above, he sounds very selfish and self centered.

WickednNasty's picture

I agree with the other posts here, but you really don't need the extra stress level now. It isn't good for you or the baby.

I imagine it's next to impossible, but for the moment I would try putting this out of my head as impossible as it might be. Trust me I'm not saying he isn't wrong, but YOU need to focus on YOU and your baby thats depending on you.

Being upset is going to make your blood pressure rise. As far as the dishes go screw them and everything else as far as housework is concerned. Stay off your feet exactly as the Doctor has instructed. Relax as much as possible and ignore anything thats going to upset you.

RB's picture

I agree. Rest is in order for right now! He should be taking care of you not the other way around.

skylarksms's picture

You have every right to be upset. But please try not to be for the sake of your health and the baby's.

But yes, insensitive to say the LEAST.

I was rushed to the ICU at the hospital a few years ago when I was first diagnosed with diabetes. I was so tired I kept falling asleep and was on the verge of a diabetic coma.

My H, left work and came to be by my side almost the entire time I was there. The only time that he left was when he went home to make my son (his stepson) supper and let him know what was going on.

My H can be insensitive for sure, but when it comes to my health, he makes it a priority.

MrsFitMama's picture

As I tried to stay calm, it didn't happen and I totaly blew up at him saying I hate you and then he told me good, then you can leave Sat- which I said fine. I can't even remember everything that was said but he said something extremely hurtful and I ended up trying to shove him out of the door and trying to slam the door in his face. And he went on to say how violence scares him and that he actually ended up leaving work at 5 because he couldn't get a hold of me and got scared. So what? It takes him not being able to get a hold of me to get him to move? Anyway I can name the excuses but I won't. Makes me angry how he brings up the girls and that I had been cold to them all week. Right. Well I worked a couple days and the other days I was sleeping and feeling sick.
But I warned him to get out of the room and he wouldn't. He kept pushing. Then said how I'm responsible for my own words and actions. So yes, I tried to shove him out of the room. But he's such a fucking ass hole. He said that at least with his ex, he doesn't regret having kids with her like he does with me.
I'm exhausted but glad he left for work again.
He asked if I really did hate him and I never responded.
I would like to get to a hotel but I'm too exhausted to move.

RB's picture

Is the house yours? If not (and maybe even if it is) do you have any family members or friends who can either come and get you that you could stay with or anyone who can come and stay with you? Your DH needs a wake up call, but the more I read here, the more I worry about your safety. This guy is a jerk! He will never treat you right. You might just want to get out of there and stay somewhere safe until you feel better and can get on your feet again.

overit2's picture

Don't you find it odd, that you experienced something traumatic and scary and he was in the wrong-yet he somehow turned it around to make it be all about him and how he was wronged and hurt??? CLASSIC abuser work.

I've gotta catch up on some more blogs of yours to read between the lines-but those were some serious red flags.

overit2's picture

Ok now it jogged memory-read your past blogs-your H is a typical selfish abuser. Make your exit plan, dump his abusive neglectful ass as soon as humanly possible-you're in for a lifetime of sorrow if you stay. I hate that you are pregnanty by this man honestly-it keeps you tied to him. I wish you would have had a caring man to share this with. Be on the lookout for escalate abuse during pregnancy.

z3girl's picture

My DH is incredibly abusive, and yet this seems to top even him!

I had called the police on my DH a year and a half ago because he was destroying our bedroom and scared me, so for a while after that, we were on very shaky ground. He blamed me for him being in trouble. (All about him...of course!) While he was barely acknowledging my existence anymore, my father was in a car accident and taken to the hospital. My DH works closest to that hospital, and was there with my father in the ER. (And he doesn't particularly care for my father; they are definitely not close.) As much as DH may have felt that he hated me, he did the right thing without me so much as asking. I always have to remember times like that when I'm not feeling the love from him.

I wish you the best of luck with your pregnancy. Pregnancy is never-ending worry even during the best of times! It is a most amazing experience that even though I didn't "like" being pregnant, I am grateful I had the chance, and will never forget the experience. I wish the same for you this time around.

uncommon's picture

The way my XH acted after my miscarriage was one of the catalysts that ended our marriage. I am so sorry. Honestly, if I were you, I would be running away so fast.