I screwed up.
Yes, I screwed up.
I am not going to deny that at all. I would however like to clarify, I did not “cancel” the date with my wife. My intent was just to postpone it a few hours. SD19 wanted to go see a friend of hers in a play, a kid I have known since he was two or three and the play DW and I were supposed to be going to dinner at a local restaurant.
I *assumed* when we said we would meet there at 6 it was because it was on both of ours way home. Yes, we all know what happens when one *assumes*. Seems DW needed to eat early because she had to be up at 330am and leave the house at 430am to get to a conference in Orlando today by 9am (only a three hour drive but rush hour turns that into 4+ hours without fail).
1) I failed to ASK if the change in plans was acceptable, I assumed she would have no problem with it as we have gone out to late dinners before. So I texted her telling her what was going to happen instead of asking. Yes, I did to her the same thing I complain about being done to me. Something tells me that I will not be allowed to forget it for quite some time.
2) When she initially objected I failed to pick up on several verbal cues of hers that she was not happy with reason and that I was majorly stepping on my d*ck. These are cues that she and I have gone over ad nauseum both by ourselves and with the marriage counselor we saw.
3) When the “Whatever” hit my text message inbox is when I realized she was not just unhappy but breathing fire. She rarely says ‘whatever’ and when it does it does not bode well for the hearing health of those around her.
4) She is absolutely correct that the extra money I have been spending on the kids should be going into their college accounts, instead of eating out, movies etc. She is also correct that with four kids, ‘one on one’ time once a week is nuts and it will be cut down to once a month.
5) Flowers have been delivered to her hotel room.
6) She is still breathing fire when she answers the phone.
7) I am sure she is going out partying with the girls as the stilettos made the cut and were packed for her weekend. Little black dress also is missing out of the closet.
Now, all of the above said and my admission that I am an idiot made… there is one thing I would like to state. I do make time for my kids. One on one time does not matter if it’s one of the boys or one of the girls.
It’s not guilt. It’s not the kids being brats. There are times my wife just wants one on one time with me (no kids), there are times the kids want the same. Just time with dad. It is not a matter of excluding DW, it’s a matter of getting away from everyone: all their siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents etc and just spending some time with their dad. I enjoy the time with my kids and typically this is when I can actually crawl inside the kid’s head and figure out what is going on in there. Not to mention with that many kids in the house it’s noisy, so yes it is also quiet time and a de-stresser for me.
Yes, I will agree that the past 45 days there has been an excessive want of this time. There was no catalyst it was just let do it again and again and again and I never said no. I spoke with all of my kids to explain it’s too much. Each kid will have 1 day per MONTH that they and I can go hang for a few hours. I am always available to talk to them, but the beta version of entertainment dad just crashed, burned and is not capable of being rebooted.
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Comments
LOL...My DH is doing the same
LOL...My DH is doing the same thing you are doing right now because he did a big bone head move also.
I do agree with alone time with kids but there really should be a limit if it interferes with your marriage and MONEY! Why does it cost you money to see your kids?
Just FYI --- it is great when you guys see the error of your way...but it still makes us angry that WE had to be the one to flip our shit to get you to see it.
Good luck.
Good job Mr.Just.His Wife,
Good job Mr.Just.His Wife, you are trying to make things right and that is all most of us want.
Ps- flowers are a wonderful touch.
I do believe it will take
I do believe it will take more than flowers.
Oh yeah it will. The flowers
Oh yeah it will. The flowers are my non verbal cue that I get she is angry and why. They come before/during/after me apologizing depending on the circumstances.
DW does not believe in I'm sorry and done. Her belief is if there is a problem, apologize and ensure it never happens again. She will not want to hear the plan of how I plan to fix it, she will want to see the plan in action, consistently for a significant period of time.
And when she messes up, she requires the same of herself.
Could you please come counsel
Could you please come counsel my FDH on recognizing the error of his ways??
It would be far more
It would be far more effective to send DW. Somehow having someone cuss you out in arabic and essentially question your paternal and maternal breeding lines for the past 5k years while simultaniously wishing the fleas of 12k camels to invade your crotch while your arms shorten to nubs tends to wake men up to "Oops, uhoh what did I do"
I didn't see it, was not getting it until I got slapped with a "Whatever". Then I called her and she verbally lit my ass on fire. My 19 year old then called me a dumb ass and proceeded to chastize me for being "such a man!" And the tone she used was not complimentary either.
sounds brutal...
:jawdrop:
sounds brutal...
Not to laugh at the situation
Not to laugh at the situation but maybe we should sick just.his.wife on all our husbands!
My sentiments exactly!
My sentiments exactly!
Your problem is your kids are
Your problem is your kids are coming first and your wife is coming in last. Eventually, she will find someone that will put her first. I think one on one time is great with our kids, but once a month is still too much.
DH and I have weathered a lot of BM and SK crap the last nine years because we have made a point to do something every week alone together. We go to bed together every night, so we can talk. I travel for work and he leaves for work at 5:00 AM and puts in long hours. If we didn't agree early on that we came first and the kids came after we wouldn't have gotten this far. Our marriage is great despite, what my SD and BM have tried to do.
Every week you have to make a point of doing something with your wife....When we were in a bad place, it was ballroom dance lessons privately once a week. We were terrible, but it was fun and we were on equal footing and the kids were not involved...
Flowers will not cut it on this one...
Good job recognizing that you
Good job recognizing that you screwed up and immediately deciding a plan of action to ensure this doesn't happen again. I agree with others, it will take some work getting back in her good graces. I could be wrong, but what I got from JHW's post last night was not necessarily that you spend time with your kids that pissed her off (though I think she did mention it was getting excessive time wise and financially). I think the biggest thing that pissed her off was the change of plans at the last minute when she had been looking forward to and needing time with her husband. I think it is great that you are close to your kids, but never forget who you lay down with at night and who you are spending your life with. Always, always, always make time for your spouse. It doesn't have to be going out every week. Sometimes setting aside a night at home to watch a movie, crank up the stereo and dance, or just sit and talk over a glass of wine is all that is needed. TBH, some of mine and DH's best date nights are nights that we never leave our house. We cook dinner, drink wine, talk, laugh, etc. It is obvious that you love your wife. Hopefully she will come back happy and relaxed after her girls weekend and the two of you can talk. Good luck!
I heart your response.
I heart your response.
I agree.
I agree.
Me too!
Me too!
Are they all on a screw up
Are they all on a screw up big time spree this week? I had been about to blog this week about how great SO has been then he screwed the pooch in the last 2 hours which is going to be the new blog. I do like to see that even if it takes a little bit Mr.just you do at least pick up the cues, and it seems don't push back when you realize you stepped in deep.
Of course kids want time with
Of course kids want time with "just" daddy or mommy or whatever. But last minute "just daddy" requests should not interfere with date night plans already made.
Of course your wife will feel upset. You are showing her where she lands on your totem pole of importance.
My DH has pulled this same
My DH has pulled this same moronic, bulls**t move on me as well.
I STILL don't trust him and it's been 4 years.
Making assumptions and putting your adult child before your wife's needs is the dumbest thing a man can do to a woman.
Congrats....you're not the biggest bonehead I know but you are in the top 5.
***snicker snicker***
***snicker snicker***
Well about a year and a
Well about a year and a half/two years ago I was likely the #1 Asshole.
Falling to top 5 in the bonehead catagory is an improvement, I think?
My Goal is to be in the bottom 100 of "He's such a guy!"
Everyone needs to have goals,
Everyone needs to have goals, I suppose.
Yep. I utterly screwed up. I
Yep. I utterly screwed up. I get it. Honest. And no I am not excusing myself at all. I can admit when I am wrong. My mentality was I could fit both some time with sd19 and dw time in the same evening. And I came to this conclusion because I did not factor in DWs need to go to bed early. I remembered she was driving out of town but not how early she needed to wake up.
Because I did not think, what I saw as a postponement actually was a cancellation because DW could not do a later date time due to work committments.
DW tried to advise me this was NOT a good plan and she was not happy and I did not pick up on her blatant cues of displeasure. Due to this I pissed off my wife, big time, and am in the yard. Not even the dog house. The yard. Staked out in the middle with not even a tree to lift my leg on. I am just thankful I don't have a choke collar on as I am apparently an idiot and would likely kill myself on accident with it.
Be glad you don't have an
Be glad you don't have an electric collar with a remote. I have a feeling JHW might've hit you with it a few times.
I have a feeling she would
I have a feeling she would suddenly get a muscle tick in her thumb that would last an hour or two!
ok. I get what you're saying.
ok. I get what you're saying. At the same time, I was married for 23 years. We have 3 kids. I didn't divorce until 4 years ago.
My kids are mostly grown.
I enjoy having lunch and dinner sometimes with my kids. But I never exclude my partner. He's always invited.
When my kids were growing up, I worked a full time job as did my ex. And my kids were in many activities.
There was never a time when we planned one on one time or just made time for that ONE kid. I realize that you don't have all the time to spend with you kids bc of the split/or not living with them but I think that most people have to encounter time restrictions even when they do live with their children.
I feel it's good to spend some time with your kids from time to time. BUT you should never make your partner feel like that are second best or back burner. I think when you have skids..this is always a worry. That you never ever come first.
I tell my partner... I don't need to be #1 but every once in a while I just want you to treat my like I'm your #1 for just a little while!!
When those kids are all grown up and busy with their own lives, jobs and families.....you'll be waking up everyday with that one person who prefers your company above anyone else's.
Just some food for thought.