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SS17 skipping visitation - vent

More Coffee Please's picture

SS17 has been skipping Wednesday night visitation at our house since he got a car, no biggie. We make dinner, he doesn't show up, it goes in the fridge as leftovers. This really hasn't caused any issues. He's a teenager that would rather hang out with his friends, makes sense to me. Also, since getting his car he spends at least 1 of his 2 EOWE nights at a friend's house instead of ours. Again, no biggie, it doesn't cause issues.

Well, now when he is skipping time with DH it is partly to stay at BM's. I could careless. He's ungrateful, spoiled and just awful to be around. The problem is that BM is complaining that she doesn't want him there. As far as I know she doesn't tell SS17 that, she just mean texts DH that SS17 is costing her money by being at her house "100% of the time" (her words).

I see a lot of people on here talk about how BM wants the kids all the time and doesn't send them when she's supposed to to their dads. We are dealing with a BM that doesn't want an extra second over the CO and is constantly bitching that SS17 needs to be at our house. How are we supposed to enforce that?! And why would we?! He is full time at BM's and when he doesn't wanna come over she doesn't make him so why the hell would we?

Side note: my DH was not smart about his divorce and literally signed the papers his ex and her lawyer had drawn up. He did not have a lawyer. He signed a waiver saying he didn't need one and just signed the papers with no changes. I'm not even sure he read them. I say this to say, she is getting everything she wanted in that CO, he didn't argue or change a single thing. So now she is seeing the error of her ways. By being super greedy with the kids time in the agreement she now realizes she doesn't actually want them all the time. Especially, the one (SS17) that she's had the most influence over the last 5+ years and has turned out to be as awful and mean as she is. Hell, their other kid, SD10 spends 50% (no exaggeration) of BM's allotted time, with her maternal grandmother. We do most of our pick ups from grandma and half the time we speak with SD10 she is at grandmas. SD has spent the last 5 Mother's Days with DH because it fell on his weekend eventhough, BM is supposed to have skids the whole Mother's Day weekend, according to the CO. 

SD10 told me she hasn't seen SS17 in 3 weeks. How is that possible if he is at BM's ALL the time, costing her money, like she claims? Either SS is there 100% of the time and SD never is OR he's not there all the time and BM is a lying/exaggerating whiney jerk!

Which we already know the answer because DH put a tracker on SS17's car. (SS17 doesn't know about the tracker. DH did it after SS skipped school, turned off his phone so we couldn't find him and disappeared for a full day) So we know exactly how much time he spends at BMs house. (Spoiler alert: it's not 100% of the time)

Thanks for reading, would love to hear about others' experiences with skids choosing to skip visitation and how that all played out.


Survivingstephell's picture

She made her bed as they say.  As for the younger one, DH can tell her he'd be happy to have more time, let's go back to court and make it official.  Watch her head spin (eyeroll). That's what gets me about these greedy BM s.  They want the money but not the work of parenting, They suck at it and let loose on society skids that can't function.  One way or another, she short changes them on skills and character traits that would make life easier for them.  It's all about the money and revenge.  

More Coffee Please's picture

Luckily, grandma is a good influence. She's calm and reasonable and doesn't take any crap from SD10. I honestly believe it is beneficial for SD to be around grandma more and BM less.

lieutenant_dad's picture

Sounds like a BM problem. At 17, I doubt a judge would make any changes to the CO, nor would they award any additional CS since your DH is likely paying the max amount (or close to it) given that it sounds like he only gets EOWE and one night a week. SD keeps coming so it's not like your DH isn't taking his time. Really, this isn't an issue for your DH.

Now, could/should DH try and correct SS's behavior? Sure, but that would require BM being on the exact same page as him and both he and BM spending the next 9ish months (assuming SS is still in high school) really working to get him to be a better adult. Assuming DH or BM own the car, that would be the #1 privilege to be taken away. But, again, BM has to be on board (and sounds like she'll only be on board to get DH to take SS off her hands).

There are three ways your DH can approach this:

1.) Ignore her and approach SS himself. This would be my personal preferred, though it may not get your DH anywhere.

2.) Text BM: "Tell me what your plan is to correct SS's poor behavior and we can talk." He gives her one shot to expresa actual concern and a plan. No plan = ignore.

3.) Text BM: "This doesn't involve me. You cut me out of parenting the kids with you. I can't force him to come here. He's always welcome. If you want him here on Wednesday nights and weekends, you will need to figure it out yourself." Then ignore her.

If she shows up with him and all his stuff, your DH needs to file for emergency custody of BOTH kids. Don't let her play that game. She either parents in the game she set up or she gets to play a new, more equitable game. Choice is really hers.

CLove's picture

Like a mushroom on the poop, SS issues will grow unfettered. And its almost too late. BM doesnt want to deal? Well, like Toxic Troll, Hubsand told her "your problem you need to deal with it". And like SD23 feral forger, once they are ruined it is pretty much a done deal, especially once they turn 18 and graduate HS. And become an "adult". "Your not the boss of ME!" until they need something. So - to me in my experience - if DH has good boundaries, SS will have to adult up or BM will just have to deal with his bad self.

SD10 - It might be worth seeking more time through a modified custody order...

dragonfly878's picture

She can choose to say something to SS17- or she can choose to bitch yet do nothing. The choice is hers. 

strugglingSM's picture

Sounds familiar. In 2019, BM demanded a mediation to reduce time with one SS because she said it was "traumatic" for him to come to our home. For the first time, DH got a lawyer and fought her. Turned out it was just a ploy for more CS. After the mediation, however, DH told both SSs that if they really didn't want to come to our home, he wouldn't force them. BM got wind of this and sent DH a series of nasty messages saying "how dare you try to change the schedule without consulting with me!" And then told him he would owe her more child support if he didn't take all of his visitation. DH also didn't have a lawyer for his divorce. He wanted one, but couldn't afford it. He asked MIL and BIL (who is a lawyer) to help him get a lawyer and they both refused. Later MIL gave BM $5000, because she "needed it" (either to pay tax debt or to pay for a lawyer to deal with her tax debt). BIL helped BM with the 2019 mediation. 

More Coffee Please's picture

That's insanity! Is he even on speaking terms with his family after that?

Is that grounds for more CS? My understanding, at least in our state, is that if visitation isn't 50/50 than CS is based on income, not time spent with each parent. 

strugglingSM's picture

CS is based on income in our state, not custody time. BM is a manipulative POS. She has always threatened DH with increased CS. Her job is working with divorce attorneys, so she knows better, too. She's also a CPA who has committed tax fraud and had to go to a court ordered "class" on how not to write bad checks, so that shows you the kind of integrity she has.

He still speaks to his family, but they are at arms' length. I am semi-cordial to them, but don't seek out contact. He called both of them out and neither one apologized, even when he specifically asked for an apology, so he feels they will never change, but for some reason won't totally cut them off.

More Coffee Please's picture

She sounds like a real class act!

BM is all bark and no bite on this end too. Constant threats and complaints. I tell DH there's no need to respond or do anything until she actually bites. Luckily, BM doesn't have the funds or connections to cause us unsubstantiated or frivalous problems, yet. Per advice I've seen on here and family law websites I have started taking notes. I should have been doing it the past 4 years but I've written down anything I can remember and have been diligent about it for the last several months. It's just facts, no emotion, but I'm still finding it kind of cathartic. 

Survivingstephell's picture

I'm our case, the judge did not increase child support for YSS after the attack, he was a teenager then,( DH was open to visits )and was of the mindset you can't make him go. So BM did not get an increase.  One victory for DH.  I can't remember if this all took place at FOC office but I know that the judge didn't change it.  There were a couple of meetings with FOC and they knew BM was a conniver type.  I think they felt eventually sorry for DH and did what they could but it was too late to save the relationships.  Family court is a joke.  

More Coffee Please's picture

Thank you for sharing. I truly appreciate all the info and experiences.