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My step kids act like I'm not there

Moonwalker's picture

I'm present in their lives. I inject myself in their lives .They talk to their mom and to each other. They rush in to our room in the morning and tell her good morning and completely ignore me . Bed time is the same. 

I can call step kids on their cells and they ignore it. They have memorized their moms and dads and grandparents cell phones yet I'm an active step dad.

If I play with them eg hide their ball all in good fun so we can find it, they run to mom crying and she says not to do it as the kids don't like it. 

We have a baby on the way in December. I'm almost giving up expecting any love or acknowledgement from them. I'm not ignoring them. But should I maybe not stress about it and wait for mine to be born who will show me love?????

How will they take it when my kid says morning and goodnight to me and I love you Dad and shows me some acknowledgement?????

 

What should I do

 

Comments

lieutenant_dad's picture

Your stepkids are their own people. They don't need to like you. They just need to be respectful of you.

If they don't want to engage with you, then don't engage with them. If your DW asks why, explain that you don't want to continue to upset them and get your feelings hurt when they don't reciprocate, so you're stepping back unless they ask for you to step forward.

You have a baby on the way that will take up much of your time and energy. Put your all into them. Your SKs have an active mother, father, and grandparents. They don't need you. Your baby will. Focus on the baby.

nengooseus's picture

You're not their dad, and new baby isn't going to change that for them.  It's reasonable for you to expect the skids to be respectful and to acknowledge your existence when they walk in a room.  It's reasonable to expect them to pick up the phone if you call.  But I doubt seriously that you'll ever get an "I love you, Dad," and you would be wise to stop expecting that.

tog redux's picture

So the kids rush into the room and say good morning to their mother, ignore you, over and over, and she does NOTHING? So exactly why are you an "active stepdad" when neither they nor your wife appreciate it?  She can't even be bothered to demand that they be respectful to you.

Well, as the others said, don't bother doing any of the things you do for them - just focus on your baby when he/she comes. If your wife can't be bothered to ask her kids to respect you, don't be bothered to help her with anything related to them.

I can't even imagine my DH tolerating that kind of rudeness from his son.

CLove's picture

really bothers me - this is your home, and you deserve acknowledgement.

It happened to me and it was a manipulation tool by Toxic Feral Eldest. After many clashings where she was supremely disrespecful. One time she wanted the fresh strawberries that she knew were mine,and  she pointedly ask her father, while I was sitting right there, and when she walked away after being told they were mine, that cemented that. No way would I do any special meals, or special favors for her - not after the way she treated me. And the blowouts were really bad too.

Your DW should have a talk with kiddos, when you are in a different room, just to mention that the not acknowledging someone in the room when they enter is considered rude.

ANd yes, lay down the law - this is your bedroom, your sactuary. In my home, children knock before coming in. 

New_to_this's picture

You should expect acknowledgment from them, but not love. But, my SS barely shows acknowledgement to me. It's fine by me though, as I thoroughly do not like him.

I'm trying to remember if SS ever really showed much acknowledgement for me and I really can't say for sure. He used to like doing things with me early in the relationship because DH was just on cloud 9 with me and the skids were getting benefits from that. But I think once I became a threat to his time with DH and the household started to change (healthier eating, more discipline, etc), he distanced himself from me. It was the opposite for SD - she was always close but became closer with me over the years.

If he's not respectful to you, your DW should be addressing it, but other than that, enjoy not having to deal with them. There's a chance, since they ignore you, that they'll ignore their new little sibling. SS has no relationship with his little brother and it's sad the lengths that DH goes to to try and get SS to change. DH will just start snapping photos at any occasion that SS even talks to DS, because that will be the only time he'll ever have pictures of them together. It's sad and I want no part of DH's pathetic attempts. I focus on DS and barely acknowledge SS as well. Though I am the adult, so I am cordial, but I do very little specifically for SS.

Siemprematahari's picture

I agree with all the posters. Focus on your beautiful bundle of joy that is on the way. Have a talk with wife about her addressing the kids having some form of decency and respect and shut down the whole running into the bedroom nonsense. Kids have to learn to knock and have the basic manners to be able to say hi, thank you, and be cordial.

Place all your love, time, and energy on the baby and disengage from stepkids if this is what will bring you peace.

Congratulations!