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i need help!

jonesze5's picture

can't stand it anymore - i have to vent.

my husband has 3 daughters. all three of whom i was under the impression they had all moved out and had their own lives when i agreed to marry their father.

1. Kymberly is the oldest with a 5-year-old son and they are living with us right now because she's going through a divorce and is about to graduate from college next month and be a teacher. Kymberly is our 26-year-old teenage daughter, who talks on the phone constantly and thoroughly enjoys creating her own drama on a regular basis. she thinks she can trust me in so far as she freely informs me of her occasional drug use and sexual exploits......she accidentally overheard me say to her father this morning that i wished she wouldn't tell me about her promiscuous adventures because it disgusts me......I DON'T WANT TO KNOW!!!!! therefore, she slammed out of the house this morning and now she's mad at me.......ask me if i care................

2. Tiffany is the middle daughter, who for awhile, couldn't seem to stop pumping out children........she's got a 4-year-old, an 18-month-old and a 9-month-old and she still isn't married and no nuptuals are in sight.......she lives with her boyfriend, who's the father of the two youngest, but, can't see fit to marry her until he's sure she is mature enough to handle marriage and not smoke cigarettes, drink or do drugs like she's done in the past.......strange to me how it's okay to bring all these children into the world......oh well, at least they had the sense to figure out what kept causing the kids and saw fit to get her tubes tied......she and her boyfriend have always been on shaky terms and I'm scared to death when (not if) they bust up......she and the kids will be moving back home, too. they just left and went back home to Tulsa after a 5-day visit that I thought would be the end of ALL of us........her kids are in to EVERYTHING constantly and almost always screaming and running.......we were never so relieved to see anyone leave ever........it was a 5-day nightmare.............i had to take nerve pills just to get through it...........

3. Amanda is the youngest with a MAJOR drug problem........she's been out of sight for most of the year and a half her dad and i have been married, but has recently resurfaced, wanting to move back in with us because she's got no money, no job, no place to live......nothing.........she's completely down and out. she's recently done so much crack and meth that she's got sores all over her. nevertheless, we told her she could come home IF she would go to a full-fledged rehab program first - a 90-day program. she told us she wasn't going to and didn't need rehab - that WE could be her rehab........WE are not interested........so.....now she's mad at us because we just didn't tell her she could come home period......with no catches......so now she's moved back in with her mother and step-dad for the UMPTEENTH time who don't seem to care whether she goes to rehab or not. so she'll just f#ck over, yet again, her mom and step-dad, just like she always does................

now don't get me wrong - Neil and i both love the kids and their kids - but they are all so selfish it doesn't even occur to them the consequences they cause upon other peoples' lives.....they all have the mindset that if they get into trouble or screw up their lives, they can always move back in with mom or dad.........i have never known 3 kids from the same family to be so self-centered and self-absorbed in my life.

i am seriously considering leaving Neil because this stress is becoming more than i can take......i don't know what to do. i need help.

Comments

Anonymous's picture

Apparently his daughters are all town bicycles, and theres a reason they turned out poorly I'm sure. All you can do at this point is give the dead line and if their not out, leave or kick them all out.

septembers_child's picture

Sounds to me like DH and BM are ENABLERS...Drug addicts will never straigthen up until they hit "rock bottom", as long as DH and BM continue to resque them from the consequences of their own actions and their addictions they will NEVER hit rock bottom.. Good for you on not letting the active drug addict move back into your home. Crack is a nasty drug and you can put nothing past a drug addict who isn't clean..They will clean out your house to pay for their habit..

Now their is a difference between helping your kids and enabling them. For instance, rather then let the oldest move back in with out boundaries..It should be established that she may stay for a specific period of time and move out. Set a date and on that date she is out..It's up to her to do the footwork and earn the money for her own place..

Sounds like your doing great with the addicted daughter..No rehab for at least 90 days then your not staying here!! And after 90 day rehab, she has a certain specific amount of time to get a job, earn money to pay you guys rent, her own transportation, and to get her own place. (In fact, the 26 year old should be paying rent to you guys for staying with you and a portion of the utilities. You and Hubby don't get a free ride, their is no reason his adult children should.)

The 18 year old, well same for her. If she asks to move in, give her two months or so, set a date that she has to be out of your house..She is out that day period..

We all help our adult kids at one point or another..But we have to be very careful to know the difference between helping and enabling..You seem to know the difference...DH needs to learn it..

Wish you much luck..and keep us updated

jonesze5's picture

thank you so much for your response.....it helped knowing that i'm not being unreasonable......after so long of this crap, you start second-guessing yourself. that's why i had to get on here and find someone to talk to who's not involved and re-boost my resolve.....

dbsojo's picture

Not something I do very often. The longer DH lets them get away with it, the longer they will do it. As for the sd living with you: I sure hope she's paying rent. As for the middle one: You may want to point out, in advance, that your house is not a hotel. For the youngest: my heart goes out to you and DH. Meth and crack have to be 2 of the top 3 hardest drugs to get off of. Few even try, and even fewer are successful at it. And she will need longer than 90 days, and may in fact need a program upwards of 6 months or a year. I have never known anyone that stayed 90 days, came out and didn't relapse. They need an amount of time that 1. Allows their system to be totally cleaned out 2. Is beyond the time needed to deal with the physical AND psychological withdrawl symptoms 3. (This is the most important) Enough time to totally, totally, totally disconnect from their "friends", etc. with whom they are doing the drugs.

Good luck, and sorry I lied there at the top...I really meant to keep it short.