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MIL in the middle

Monique52's picture

I need an advise on how to handle my MIL telling my husband things about me and my actions as a SM.

The other day I went to the bathroom while my son(4 YO) and SS(almost 5 YO) were in my bedroom watching tv. When I got out of the bathroom I found my SS twerking in the back of my son. I was so mad, angry, frustrated becasue this is not the first time we see this type of behaviors in my SS. He has older brothers on his mom's side and he had mention a few times that he learned that from them.

I was very specific with him and sent him to his bedroom. at that moment my MIL that came to live in the country and is stayig in my place comes from dowstairs to find out what's going on. I tell him and she takes his grandson and start the classic converstaion: "honey are you ok", who teach you that" blah blah blah. Hey!! my innocent son was the one who got affected from all this...

I can't deal wth this situtation anyore is being bothering me and I made the rule under ANY circumstances I want my son left alone in the same room without the supervision of an adult.

She is constantly trying to change the way I do things in my house. The other day i got my son a little car on the day my SS was with his mom and she asked privately to my husban if I brought one to my SS. 

There's so much that's happening that's making me feel absolutely disangage with my marital life right now. 


ESMOD's picture

Do you think that perhaps she is concerned if her grandson has been a victim of some kind of predatory behavior?  I don't fault her really for asking where he learned something like that.. isn't that just backing up that it's not appropriate behavior?

I mean.. my SD's would dance and sing the most inappropriate songs when they were young.. Tweens singing.. "to the window.. to the wall.. till the sweat drips down my...".. it's a bit humorous actually.. I actually accidentally bought the girls a Nelly CD when the older one was in Jr high.. and it apparently was the explicit version.. not radio play.. ooopsie.

The kids see these dances on TV.. they imitate what they see.. Generally it isn't harmful.. but yeah.. supervising is good.. and you can certainly explain that kind of dancing isn't appropriate for them.

But.. if you are trying to imply that his son was molesting your son with all evil intent? That may be a stretch.. kids wrestle and run around naked.. all sorts of things.. that don't mean they are being abused.. or abusive.

It's tough your MIL is there because she is obviously going to look to see if her grandson is treated "the same"... Your husband should explain that he doesn't expect you to buy his child something every time you buy your own child something.. and vice versa.

Monique52's picture

I used the word twerking trying to not be that explicit, but he actually had my son in a doggy position and was holding his waist moving in a sexual conduct. I've always had my concerns that his brothers are doing somethign to him, but as much as I push my DH to do something the only thing he odes is bringing that to the HCBM attention and she always denied that my SS is being left alone with his older brohers. At this point I have to take care of my son.

In regards to the MIL my hsband wasn't even at home when my son got there with his little toy, she made sur ehe knew I got it for him and not for my SS. 


CLove's picture

We definitely will need more details about your situation, in order that we can give accurate feedback and view points.

If he is emulating doggy-style sex, and you have spoken to him that it is innappropriate and he keeps doing it?

Nanny cams, my dear, nanny cams. Surveilance, because you cannot trust the kid. He needs help. Get the authorities involved, or at least threaten to if no one is doing anything. Abuse among chidlren is often denied and hidden. But there is CPS and DHS. If you call you can perhaps help out the child in question, whiel protecting your kiddo.

MIL is definitely disturbed, emotionally and or mentally. And she is not respecting boundaries, if your DH tries to explain lovingly and all she can do is cry, and play the hurt victim in this. Like I said - disregard my previous comment. She might be a classic narcissist, who has the charm/rage/victim modalities used to maniulate.

Adress the tattling with DH only, and disnegage from MIL. Do not feeed into her energy.

Monique52's picture

Oh yes, I called the police taht night to at least have a report on what happened. I need t protect my child over anything. I love SS but I can't control what happens when he is with his mother. My husband said he needs a lawyer becasue he doesn't have enough proof that his child is being molested and right now we can't afford one. he went to a custody situation with HCBM and that was the perfect time for him to ask for full custody or more time wth his son and he didn't do it, that's why it make me so mad that now we are going through this becasue he had the opportunity o tae actions and judt didn't.

I can totally see the difference MIL makes between both kidas but when she remotely see any difference made by me, she starts  poisoning my husband, is ridiculous. 


ESMOD's picture

Has your husband tried to get his son into counseling.. perhaps they could help things be documented... if they are happening.

STaround's picture

Why hasn't DH filed a formal complaint.  This is  not normal, and SS is getting it from somewhere.   Can DH take SS to the doctor, tell doctor what is going on, and have doctor talk to SS alone.  this will get worse for everyone unless DH starts being a father.

ReginaPhalange's picture

I agree this behavior is gross.  I don't know if it's harmful just yet, but teaching early not to behave this way is the right thing to do.  If he doesn it as school to another kid, he would get in trouble (or at least should).

Steppedonnomore's picture

You and DH need to set the boundaries in your home and your DH needs to enforce them with regard to his mother. He needs to explain to her that she is a guest in your home and does not have the authority to undermine you. Have your DH step up on this.

Monique52's picture

He tried and that just made the situation worst. She started crying and making the environment so uncomfortable for everybody.


Aunt Agatha's picture

Your MIL is a classic manipulater.  Your DH needs to set those boundaries and enforce them with HIS mom every single time.

If she’s uncomfortable then she needs to freaking change her behavior.  Or move out.  But disengage with her.  If your DH isn’t home, refer her to him and refuse to engage. If he doesn’t enforce the boundaries, then you deal with him.

You have zero to feel uncomfortable about.  But someone as skilled in manipulation as your MIL appears to be is just using tactics that have worked for her before.  Time it’s made clear to her that’s not how it works now!

CLove's picture

I think kids just naturally pick up everything around them. MIL was concerned that there might be something inappropriate going on, and since shes staying with you, she cant see whats going on when SS is at "that other place".

I dont know much about you two and the relationship or circumstances. She is from another country, so she might just be naturally suspicious of you because she doesnt know you well and it could be a cultural thing as well.

As to the whole "you bought for your DS did you buy for SS as well", there is a whole preconception that once the husband/father moves on from the "first family" that he wants to move on and desert the children created by that "first family". Therefore I think that people over correct, in order not to have that happen. Adding fuel to this fire is that MIL sees DS getting his natural parents full time, and SS getting his father 50% (or less(, and mother 50% (or less) - again I do not know the details.

So, time for a gentle heart to heart first with DH, who really needs to back you up, as he has, but continually and consistently, and then heart to heart with MIL. I feel she has SS interests at heart, but she may not be as involved with DS. is DS also her natural grandson? I would need more details to really give an accurate informed view point.

Monique52's picture

We are a blended family. we don't have kids together. My DH was never married with HCBM it was a night stand (she is a swinger)

We tried to make things fair for both kids since we met. We've been in each other's life since my son was 16 months and his son was almost 2 yers old. 

I just feel tat all the rules and commitments we made when we started are not realistic. I can't force his family to see my son equally, they treat him well, but you can see the difference is very noticeable and is absolutely ok with me. What bothers me is that when they see any difference on my end is the end of the world and "I'm not being fair" 

It got to the pont that i wanted the divorce becasue even my husband was defending is family's side when he knows exactly how I am.

His mom just got here 2 months ago after separating her husband and is moving to ger own apartment in 2 weeks becasue she and I can't live together. She hates the way I clean I hate the way she does it. and the fact that she is talkig bs behind my back is not acceptable at all. 

Thumper's picture

Get rid of MIL OR leave.

Yes it is that simple. MIL should go back to her home OR if she is a widow or divorcee' she still needs to find her own place to live.

Your husbands loyalty is to YOU and the kids....

Time for Granny to go.

You can tell her to stop every single time she belittles your parenting.




Thumper's picture

PS I am a Granny and I would not move in with my kids and their families. THAT changes the dynamic of the famliy

Some cultures shove that junk down your throat IF your not of the same culture. I know an a few adults who married into a different culture. It is very hard on the marriage.


Stand your ground,,,granny goes OR you will.


Monique52's picture

That's exactly how my mom's think. In our family I'm the one from a different culture, she just came back to her country after living out of it for over 30 years. But at this point I don't care all it matters is my son being safe. 

Harry's picture

She can not over rule you on the care of the kids.  You give out a punishment, and she changes it,  some one has to go. 

Disneyfan's picture

Wait, why is MIL the focus here sns the safety of the two boys????

You , your husband (and possibly MIL)have reason to believe that the 5 year may have been abused.  You have caught the 5 year old engaging in inappropriate behavior with your son.   

Why aren't you taking steps to get your son out of that environment?

MIL talking about you shouldn't matter.  What his family thinks about you shouldn't matter.  The only thing that should matter is keeping your son safe.



ReginaPhalange's picture

I have in-laws that I feel treat SS better than my bio kids with DH.  I don't know why this is?  Does everyone feel guilty or sad for them because they are in a broken home?  It's like they all treat him with kid gloves.  It isn't healthy for either the SK or the Bio kids to see this behavior.  It makes me angry.

You absolutely do NOT have to get your SS something every time you get your own kid something.  Don't let her guilt you into things like that.