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mommylove's picture

I am on my second marriage, but am a first time SP. I met my H about 7.5 years ago when I was single and childless and at that time actually REFUSED to date him because I was really up-front about not dating men with children. We remained in touch and reconnected and began dating about 5 years ago after I'd already had a child of my own. I made it clear from the start that my BS, who was only 1yo at the time and I were a "package deal", and that especially because my BS did not have a father in his life, whoever was with me would have to be willing to assume the role of "Dad" for my child.

My H's children are a different story. SS's BM had abandoned SS in H's custody at 9mos, so H had always had full physical custody of SS. While SS would ocassionally visit his BM & talk to her, she never paid CS and was never really a "mother". However, since SS was already 14yo and very accustomed to the way he was being raised by H (which H admitted was "guilty parenting" to overcompensate for SS's BM's absence), there was really no room for me to assume the "mother" role for SS the way H assumed the father role for my BS. SD, on the other hand, lived with her mother, but spent eow and some time or whole summers with H when he was working out of town or from his home. When SD was younger (before she started school) H had her more than BM, who actually moved out of town at one point and left SD with H for over 6 months so BM could go to school (which she's supposedly been doing off and on ever since but still hasn't graduated.) Again, in the case of SD H admits to "guilty parenting" to overcompensate for an inattentive, selfish parenting BM. However, as SD was already 8yo when we go together she was also already accustomed to H's "guilty" parenting style, and already had a mother in her life (albeit maybe not the best one), so again there was no room for me to be her "mother" either.

Where the dynamic gets tense is that H and I already have our own marital problems with finances (#1 cause for divorce) among other things. Couple that with "guilty" parenting and preferential treatment of SCs and then strict, disciplinary parenting of BSs "because they have the benefit of two parents with them in the home everyday" (more like a "punishment" in my opinion), and you end up with the #1 cause for divorce in second and subsequent marriages: blended family issues.

H and I are going to see a counselor to try to work these issues out, but I also need to see how other people have dealt with similar issues (i.e. through disengaging from SCs, marital counseling, or separation/divorce, etc.) and sometimes just simply vent my frustrations with the situation so that I don't end up taking it out on the innocents (like the SCs), so that is why I'm glad I found and can come to Step-Talk.

How about you?

Comments

Rags's picture

My wife and I married when my SS was 1yo (nearly 2). He is nearly 18 and we are approaching our 16th anniversary.

I have been a STalker for a bit over 2yrs. It has been invaluable to me to have this outlet for my StepDad/StepSpouse frustrations and to get a broad pallet of opinions and perspectives from others navigating the difficulties of Blended Family life.

Though my bride and I have been and usually are very well aligned on life in general and specifically finances and parenting, she has a tendency to go in to MOMMY MODE. She was 16 when SS was born and has spent her entire adult life and part of her childhood working her butt off to give him opportunities and to mitigate the potential stigma of being the child of a single teen mom.

We have both benefited from the input of the members of the STalker community.

Best regards.

Rags's picture

Snarky,

Thanks for the props.

There is not much risk of me shutting up any time soon. Much to the chagrin of some in our community I am sure.

I will continue to give my opinions if the community will keep me around. Wink

Best regards.