DH says I need to be a little nicer??? What!!!
A LITTLE LONG... SORRY....
SD14 has not been to our house in over 2 years. We see her on occassion if we go to MIL or FIL'S house for a holiday. SD has a life with friends, sports, etc. and things happen where she can't come and visit. Ok that is no big deal. The thing is BM is all about drama and is like a bottom feeder when it comes to being in other people's business. Our's especially.
Long story short two Christmas' ago we went to Sister in Laws house, well BM lives on same property, being FIL built her a house there so SD would have a decent place to live. Blah Blah Blah. BM had just gotten a new vehicle. Never once did we comment or anything on her vehicle. We stay as far away from her as we possibly can. Anyway, my DH had gotten me a vehicle around Christmas, which was after BM got hers. He bought a luxury SUV. Did I love the vehicle? Absolutely! It had all the bells and whistles. Well BM gets mad evidently and makes comments to SD, but I can't help that. She was married to DH when he was 17 for 9 months. Ok that was very very long ago.
SD calls DH not too long after and says that I am trying to show BM up. What??? I never asked for the vehicle, DH bought it and that was that. Oh the conversation was more detailed than that. SD tried to lie and say that I said something that I didn't, when the whole crying and I am trying to show BM up deal didn't work. DH caught her in the lie and went off, so that's basically when visitation sorta stopped. SD doesn't really hold a grudge, so she was over it I think. However, we visited FIL house this past Labor Day. Nephew 8 was there wanted to ride the watercraft vehicles. SD had one and BS had one. Granted they had ridden all day and nephew had just asked to ride. Well, SD complains complains complains about riding him. Good grief!! BS said he would ride him, no big deal. BS is not a snotty child and has problem with smaller kids. So, DH says something to SD about it and how she should ride him, noway, nohow. Sister in law says something to her about it and guess what... Still complaining!! Well, I made the simple comment of, people had to do that for you too when you were 8. He just wants to ride for a few minutes. Oh my gosh you would have thought that I told her to go jump off of the bridge! DH and sister in law went off on her and I simply said that small comment and in a nice way. She left out to ride and told BS that she hates this family and that I am the reason she doesn't come to our house. Do you know how over that I am?
Gosh I know this is long... Now, SD and FIL drive over to our house this past Saturday. SD walks in and kinda stands there and looks at her phone, then DH like he is going to say something. So he kinda gives me the nod to talk to her. Well, I waited a few minutes still, being I had to gather my thoughts and make sure my words come out perfectly. So, all I said was... Are you and pawpaw just out and about paling around today? She says yes she was bored so they rode over here. Ok. End of conversation. DH shows them the house and we go eat. I don't say too much to SD all through dinner, being I don't know what to say without something being brought up. They leave, I told her bye and that was it. (There have been many more incidents through the years with drama though, this is just a small sample).
So, this morning DH says I need to be nicer to SD. WHATEVER!! For one I was not mean. He says I was distant. Well, of course what do you say to a child that you hardly see and what do you say to a child that causes so much drama and twists things around that you say when you do talk? Do I just start voicing my opinion and just say forget it? Do I not worry about any of it and be myself? I feel that if a child is stepping out of line they should be corrected, I do not discipline her nor have I ever spanked her but if I feel something is not right I have said something in the past. Maybe that is the problem... I don't say anything anymore being I am sick of all the drama gossip, so I don't add wood or fuel to the fire or spark that is waiting to happen.
I just blew DH off though. I can't make her come to our house nor am I going to try anymore. Before I would pick her up, drop her off, tried for the longest to get them to put her in sports, and now they finally have, but there is a point when a person has had enough and just has to back themselves out of a situation. Anyone with me on this one or am I wrong?
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Comments
I think you are right.
I think you are right. You're being as nice as you possibly can but you aren't going to break your neck to keep talking to her, seeing her, etc. I would have told DH, yeah, I was distant because she was distant. When she's ready to enteract with me, I'll be here but I won't go out of my way anymore.
Lol,,, i remember once my dh
Lol,,, i remember once my dh said this to me ( very early in our relationship) and i told him off the bat, i am courteous as i would be for any guest who visits in my home. Your kids visit, i am polite. considering how they treat you i should completely ignore them. But i dont'. Be happy i bite my tongue. Its been 10 years now....and now he's seeing the light....big time.
I think my DH is on a guilt
I think my DH is on a guilt trip being he really has no relationship with SD. He has rarely said anything in the past, but now all the sudden he is going to. I do feel bad that SD14 and I have NO relationship at all, but it is not that I have not tried and at first SD and I did get along. DH and I are 5 years married. BM just sticks her nose wherever she can to cause friction so I gave up. I can't battle BM so that SD and I can have a relationship. I have other children to worry about. I know that sounds cold, and I am not meaning to it just gets old old old!
I heard comments like this a
I heard comments like this a time or two from my BF. S, now 16, pulled many similar stunts and decided to make up stories to cast me in the evil stepmother role. Saying hi and bye was all I started saying to her because there was always the risk that anything else I said would be twisted around to come bite me in the butt. Also BF would insist that SD "wanted" a relationship with me. But it is really hard to believe that when SD would go out of her way not to talk to me each weekend unless it involved breaking up something I was talking with BF about. Truth be told BF "wanted" a relationship with SD and BF "wanted" me to have a relationship with SD, but SD did not want a relationship with me and made that clear.
I ended up deciding that I would be as civil to SD as I would to a stranger on the street. No need to pretend there was any personal relationship, but would look her in the eye to say hi and bye. If she "wanted" a relationship with me, than BF could talk to her about being nicer, apologizing and engaging me in conversation on topics I'm interested in.
It is like the bio-parents get all turned around on who exactly needs the little talking to about being "nicer" and forget to deliver the message to the party that is acting badly.
I totally agree. I just let
I totally agree. I just let what DH said go in one ear and out the other. Sounds a little petty I know, but I can't get all worked up over the issue. I can vent here, but not get mad with DH being that would make SD smile more than likely and enjoy that DH and I are arguing. I have more less shut myself down from SD14. If I hug her bye it's one of those one arm sideways hugs. I do feel bad about it, but what else can you do? I can't bend over backwards just to get more drama thrown up at me. I hate drama to no end.
It took more than one
It took more than one therapist to finally get it through my DHs thick skull that he could NOT force a relationship between me and his middle SD. A relationship takes TWO PEOPLE- and she just wasn't interested in having one anymore.
And it didn't matter how much I tried or he tried to force it on us- it wasn't going to happen if SHE didn't want it. Period.
In fact, the more he tried, the more I shut down and the worse the tension got in our home. Once he backed off and just "let it go" and accepted it, things settled down.
She still wants no relationship with me to this day. I have disengaged and have zero relationship with her as well, but DH has finally learned to accept it. If SD ever matures and walks through the door to establish one in the future, I will be here waiting patiently. And DH now knows and understands it.
Perhaps your DH needs to understand this sad fact as well and allow you to be YOU.
"Of course things worked out nicely for Carol Brady...she had a live-in maid and Mike's first wife was DEAD!"
there's that frying pan! "I
there's that frying pan!
"I child proofed my whole house, but they STILL get in!"
I will definitely get a
I will definitely get a frying pan! LOL!! That is awesome. He has never said anything before, but I think DH is on his guilt trip being he doesn't have a relationship with SD either. The reason I know this is when we went to eat SD of course wanted something from the gift shop, we live in a tourist area, FIL wasn't going to buy it being they buy everything that SD's little heart desires now, which may be her problem... Anyway, DH asked me what size do I think SD wears, I said I have no idea check her shirt tag and I walked out. I just could not stand there with him spending money on a shirt for a kid who NEVER COMES TO OUR HOUSE. Only calls or emails when she needs money for a fundraiser, etc. Not to mention holidays, but I have nipped that in the bud. I make sure to send money for birthday 2 weeks early and a card for Easter, etc... So she doesn't feel obligated to come and so we don't have to listen to the complaining about how we don't go go go like her BM. UGH! Anyway, I think that is why DH is telling me this because he feels bad. I do feel a little bad for not being able to have the relationship with her like I do BS12 or SD4, but I can't keep on and on and on with no result. It's just not in my blood to take it and roll over. I didn't argue being I am 5 mo prego and don't want my baby coming out like a basket case, so I do try and keep my cool right now. Thanks for all the input ladies. You really help me out alot!! And it helps me smile and laugh!