background information on SD2, SS4, and BD2
Okay, so a lot of you are reading my blog and commenting but you don't know the back story. And that's my fault, I should have posted this first.
In April 2010 DH and I met. Both of us were going through divorces. His wife at the time had walked out on him, SD2 (4 mnths at the time), and SS4 (2 yrs at the time). My husband at the time had been separated from me since 2009 and already had another child on the way with another woman, BD2 was 2 mnths at the time.
Husband and I were just friends for a few months, we could relate to one another given our situations and were supportive of one another in that tough time. We both were full time parents to our children so they were around us during this whole process. Eventually we became very good friends and decided to date. Soon after we were both committed to each other and each others children. I started spending the night with BD to watch SS and SD while he worked and SD and BD stayed with him during the day while I worked.
By April 2010 we were married. Life didn't really change too much except that I stopped working to stay home with BD1 and SD1 at this time. But we had already started living together and co-parenting, even though it wasn't necessarily intentional for either, it just happened that way.
Now we have been married for a little over a year and our children only know us as their parents. Neither my ex-husband nor his ex-wife have chosen to remain in relationship with their children. My ex-husband hasn't seen BD2 since she was 8 months old. His ex-wife hasn't seen SD2 or SS4 since SD2's 1st birthday party. So, for BM it has been about 18 months, for BD it has been 20 months since they have seen their children. We have not heard from either of them for about the same amount of time.
you will see me in my blog posts refer to them as SS4, SD2, and BD2 but please know that is ONLY for the sake of this site and so that you all reading can differentiate between each child. I do NOT refer to SS4 and SD2 as my step-children. IMO they are my children. nor does DH refer to BD2 as his step-daughter, she is his daughter in his eyes as well.
SS4 is very mild-mannered, passive, sweet, nice, bratty, and loving. BD2 is more passive-aggressive, loving, affectionate, bratty, and sweet. SD2 is aggressive, affectionate only with DH (not me or her siblings very much), strong-willed, defiant, bratty.
SD2 is who brings the most turmoil to my home environment. BEFORE you comment on a blog know this:
1. Her behavior is not just 2 yr old behavior, because we have more than one 2 yr old, raised in the same environment, that do not behave the same way. And her behavior is too advanced to be "typical" 2 yr old behavior, plus she was this way BEFORE she was even 18 months.
2. Her behavior IS due a lot to her disposition/personality, I am aware of this. That doesn't make it any less obnoxious.
3. Do NOT try to pin BD2 and SD2 against one another. It isn't about me favoring BD2 over SD2. Most of my examples will be between them because SD2 and BD2 are stay at home toddlers so their interactions are mostly with one another, so they provide more examples as a whole.
4. Not all of SD2's traits are bad ones, some will come in handy as an adult, but right now she is 2 and I don't find it cute, funny, or adorable for children to think they can behave as grown-up's, they are children and should behave as such.
5. Do NOT advise me to disengage, given my situation and the situation of my children that is not a fair or reasonable solution.
I believe that my SD2 has jealousy issues. I think she is jealous of both her siblings and my relationship with DH. Again, it mostly is directed toward BD2 but I believe that is only because they spend the most time together so it's just most obvious between them two. I have sought advice from professionals, friends, and family. Most people that are on the outside looking in thinks she is just being 2 but those that have a more intimate relationship with her and our family from the outside have said SD2 seems jealous from their OWN observations, not my stories. I know that she gets the majority of the time-outs, fussing, etc. in our home but that's because she is the most defiant and misbehaved. They all get in trouble, SD2 just gets in trouble more often. When I post about her do not ASSume I'm saying BD2 or SS4 are angels, but their bad behavior is typical bad behavior of a 2 and 4 yr old so it's much more tolerable. SD2 is MUCH more over the top in her defiance and bad behavior.
As you read my blogs understand this is my first vent after 18 months of this behavior, so of COURSE I'm frustrated. Does it mean I love SD2 any less? No. Does SD2's behavior irritate me? Yes.
What I don't want is to have her behavior rub off on her siblings, nor do I want her to get any worse than she is now. I need a way to help her channel her energies in a more effective way. I need a way for her to learn to be more loving and kind to her siblings. I am MOST concerned about her newest brother that is coming in a few weeks to our family and how she will handle that change. Thanks for reading.
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Comments
not barely knows, she doesn't
not barely knows, she doesn't know at all her mother. so to me saying she is suffering because her mother skipped out is a lame excuse. her mother skipped out when she was 2 mnths old and she only saw her again on her 1st birthday because I reached out to have her come.
I am a psych major, so I KNOW there is a such thing as having innate personality difficulties, genetic dispositions. but how are we lacking in parenting but she is the only child that acts this way? SS4 doesn't, so it isn't about me or DH favoring BD2 and ignoring the other children.
you feel sorry for her? I don't know why. she isn't mistreated at all! she gets the same treatment as all the other children, DH and I are both home with our children. this morning BD2 asked for a toy and I got it for her she showed it to SD2 because it had been lost and was excited it was found, SD2 immediately snatched it from her so I told her to give it back. here comes the pouting. then SS4, right next to them, was playing with a toy that she then tried to take from him instead, I told her to stop taking and to get a different toy, so she cried for 5 minutes. how is that anything but her just misbehaving and being a brat about being disciplined? I left them to play but then SD2 wouldn't stop taking the toy from BD2 and they were fighting so unfortunately for BD2 she had to suffer because I just took it. I don't feel like yelling and even though BD2 wasn't doing anything wrong because of SD2's behavior she was punished. the same goes for SS4. there have been times when we will tell him to just give it to her so she will stop whining. granted, this is part of our problem, but it is exhausting having to deal with the crying and fighting. so since we have mad her worse about some things and our other 2 children have had to suffer because of it now I am looking for someone that can tell me how to help her, not to validate me.
our mix isn't volatile we just have a child that misbehaves, like a lot of households. we're not going to halt our entire life because we have one bad behaving child in the home. my point in even POSTING here is because I'm so frustrated now that I'm starting to really not like her and that isn't a god thing.
I feel for you, 2 year olds
I feel for you, 2 year olds are the most challenging-but maybe consider that you could be simply quite lucky that your own BD is not like that.Chances are that SD 2 is just going through a difficult stage and may grow out of it , provided you guys stay loving but also very strict.Your household is so full with toddlers- I dont envy you, and I also feel your frustration!!
She's 2. She's behaving like
She's 2. She's behaving like a normal 2 year old. Your daughter is also doing normal 2 year old stuff.
It isn't odd for kids raised in the same home to be complete opposites.
You and your husband met and married in one year. That's fine for people without kids. When you have kids in the mix, you have to move slow.
I have identical 11 month old
I have identical 11 month old girls that are completely different. One is an easygoing snugglebug, the other is a quick-tempered whinybutt.
okay, so then I should spend
okay, so then I should spend more time relaxing and realizing they can be this way despite their home environment. but how do I help her to grow out of it? what I don't want is to end up like some of the SM's here that talk about their evil skid's, even though it's only 1 in my case. I don't want to ignore it and write it off for her to only become worse.
I've been told school will help her simply because she will be forced to interact with other children that have the same type of disposition as her that won't be as accommodating as her siblings at home. that this will force her to shift some things about her personality. hopefully this is true.
While I was not around DH's
While I was not around DH's kids when they were these ages, I did have two bio kids of my own. Both very close in age.
My DD was an amazing baby. Slept through the night at 48 hours old (and continued doing it for the rest of her life), happy, go lucky, giggling baby that anyone could dream of having. She made me believe that 2am feedings, teething issues, terrible two's and potty training problems were old wives tales passed along generation to generation to terrify new mothers.
Then I had my DS. Holy.Crap.
Premature, colic, allergic to formulas, teething issues, non stop ear infections, potty training nightmare, jealous as HELL, this kid did not sleep through the night for the first 9 months of his life. It was not just waking up once or twice, it was every hour on the hour! Sometimes twice in an hour!
She was a late walker, he walked early. She was an early talker, he talked later. She shared toys, he stole them. When they were 2 and 3, ww3 reigned in my house, they fought like cats and dogs because she was finally fed up with his crap and started fighting back. Lots of screaming, temper tantrums, throwing crap, toy stealing, sippy cup stealing. You get the idea.
And these are 100% bio siblings. Same exact parents.
The biggest injustice your doing, is comparing two kids. You can not expect your SD to act like your DD. They are two different people. Has nothing to do with who biologically made them at this age, so a BM's genetics alone will not make a monster by age two.
You can train kids to be nice. Time out works, even at two. Taking the toy they are fighting over away and putting it up works. Getting down on their level, looking them in the eyes and saying "No." also works. No they aren't happy, yes they will pitch a fit. They are expressing their frustration the only way they know how... by god they aren't happy and the whole.damn.neighborhood will know about it!
Apples vs Oranges. Stop comparing now. Let each girl be herself. Redirect if necessary. And enjoy each one of them for who they are, not what you want them to be.
THIS!! I think the comparing
THIS!!
I think the comparing is the root of your frustration here. And my experience with kis indicates that your BD might be acting the same way at THREE, so be prepared!!
yes, I can see from what some
yes, I can see from what some others have posted that the comparison of SD2 to SS4 and BD2 is probably what is frustrating me. I can recall telling DH "I just don't understand why SHE is that way but no one else."
yes, she was colicky and sometimes I think she is just a more mature colic. but then I don't get why she acts out how she does. I know 2 yr olds are mischievous but she seems out of control. so how do I keep it from getting on my nerves?
maybe I wasn't clear in that
maybe I wasn't clear in that example on a prior blog. SD2 was already sitting by her dad because she wouldn't just sit at the children's table like the other two children were. so her punishment, IMO, was ineffective because it gave her exactly what she wanted, to me she should have just been sternly told to sit and not keep getting up then disciplined if she continued to disobey. not to move her seat which is what she wanted anyway. after she was moved of course BD2 and SS4 came and wanted to sit with me.
I think at this point I definitely can see myself favoring SS4 and BD2 over SD2. But that still doesn't explain how she became this way or HOW I can fix it.
I'm going to try your journal idea, if you'll elaborate as to what you think I should be documenting.
They are two years old...You
They are two years old...You can not compare them. Different kids have different personalities. One parenting style for one, may not work with another....Be patient and make sure that you are not differentiating them subtley, they will pick up on it....Your SD already probably has.
well BM does have issues and
well BM does have issues and her BM's mother struggled with drugs. so I have considered that she could have inherited something from her BM. That's my point though is that I don't WANT it to get worse, I want advice on how to make her better. So, if hearing your example makes me think that maybe I should have a doctor look at those options. Thank you.