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O/T I did a thing...

mommadukes2015's picture

Hey guys.

So this isn't really step related, but I'm quite anxious-and after the fact too which is the best type of anxiety.

SO's father is 77. He has survived cancer x3, has COPD, had half a lung removed and over the past year his health has been on the decline. SO's birthday was last week and his Dad never misses those types of things. Well, SO couldn't get in touch with him for more than a week. Yesterday, SO's stepmother called and asked if he could come over to get his card. SO went over there and his dad was in pretty rough shape. His SM reported that he wasn't drinking, he was stubborn and she wasn't going to push the issue because she didn't want to deal with his attitude. In addition to that, his father has a bedsore.

SO came home last night, angry, distraught, worried-the whole 9. I told him, enough was enough, his father needs to come stay with us. I'm home most days, and the days that I'm not SO's brother who doesn't work can come stay with him.

SO said that his father and SM would never go for it. I told him, I would go talk to them this morning, which I did. I convinced them to let us do this for him so his SM who is also elderly, can have a break from his care and so we can get him stable. He has in home nursing assistance, PT and an aide.

I'm so happy that his father agreed to this, not only for SO but for his dad. But now... the anxiety of juggling all of this is kicking in.

I'm looking for any advice or hard knock lessons others may have learned when taking in an elderly/ailing family member so that maybe, we can start a head of this thing.

Comments

ntm's picture

I recommend you google COPD end of life. And your DH talk with your father-in-law to find out what he wants. Does he still want to fight to live or is he ready to let nature take its course. And then support him in his choice. If he has in home nursing care, there is no excuse for a bed sore. I wish you well and commend you for your compassion.

mommadukes2015's picture

This is what I'm really worried about. SO and I want to get married before he passes. We've got to get financial stuff sorted out on both sides, he needs to declare bankruptcy, I need to figure out my student loans and now, we've got a rush order on things.

And thank you <3

classyNJ's picture

((HUGS))

My mother took in my grandmother and still worked 40 hours a week. It was hard and the first year my mother was so stressed she herself got sick.

Fortunately, I was in a situation that I was able to not work for a year to help out. We "tagged teamed" and my mother was able to take breaks and spend sometime pampering herself.

The only advice I can think to give is - patience and take care of yourself. Don't be afraid to ask for help and do not overwhelm yourself. It's great that your brother in law will help out as well.

You have an amazing loving heart!

mommadukes2015's picture

Thanks Classy <3

Oddly enough my college friends are planning a weekend trip in May or June (they haven't decided yet) and I told them, come hell or high water I'm going, I have a feeling I'm gonna need it.

ESMOD's picture

That's a nice thing you are doing.

I would look in your area for caregiver resources in perhaps a dept of aging resources.

A couple pieces of other advice.

1. take care of you. ensure that you are not swallowed up with this.
2. Part of that is make a schedule that gives you adequate respite. You mention SO's brother, but unless you put a concrete schedule together, you may find he is unavailable when you need him. This also means ensuring that the care transitions to your SO as his responsibility when he is home... just because you are home more doesn't mean you need to be the only one.

Veritas's picture

Yes!!

mommadukes2015's picture

Thanks ESMOD.

I just talked to his Care Manager. She is setting everything up for the day he comes here. He is currently getting skilled nursing for his bedsore, has a PT that comes to the house and has a home health aide so we've got our bases covered there.

When I spoke with him and SO's SM this morning, I told them I work 5 days a week, but I try to keep my Mondays/Tuesdays open for paperwork/processing and then I travel/do field work W-TH- 1/2 day F. So any appointments he needs to schedule, he's gonna schedule for M-T

I set up a schedule two weeks out with BIL so he knows when I'm working so that he will be here. My family also lives on the same road as me, so the days BIL can't my father said he would come down and check on him/help with BD transport.

SM did say that he may need some help getting to the bathroom at night, which BD wakes up once or twice a night too, so that's nothing new.

The biggest thing I'm worried about is keeping the kids copasetic. He's goin to take over our master suite which connects to the kitchen so he should be able to stay pretty well away from them if he doesn't feel like it.

Veritas's picture

I went through this for a while with my FIL and what I found was our home ran better when he knew the flow of our lives, and I mean little things that seemed inconsequential to us but were unknowns to him, such as what we may be eating for dinner all week, what time we would go for a ride, or get him ready for a bath or dressed each day, when church was and who was picking him up....these little things really made him comfortable and we would go through the schedule each day with him.

Above all, it will be up to you to identify what your needs are and quickly course correct to keep the stress down. I think it is wonderful what you are doing...lots of love there and it's really beautiful Smile

mommadukes2015's picture

Thank you <3

SS is really routine oriented, he's on the spectrum so meal planning/posting schedules is a must in this house already. I'm worried about my stress levels, but at the same time, he's got most of the help he's going to need, I just want to feed him, get him feeling better and let him relax.

zerostepdrama's picture

Agree about making sure to take care of yourself. My mom took care of my grandma when she was sick, when she had hip surgery, through rehab, then when she was in the nursing home, she was the one handling everything. It took a HUGE toll on my mom and she is not the same.

mommadukes2015's picture

That's what I'm worried about. I'm on the brink of burn out as it is, but I think if we line all the ducky's up right it should be manageable. I have vacation coming up anyway so there's that Smile