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and I didnt learn part 2

Mom2TwinsnTeens's picture

So after the catastrophic breakdown of my family unit following DHs death, I made a conscious decision to put myself first for a change if only for a little while. I dropped a ton of weight due to stress, grief, too busy to eat. Then I got a boob job. I played the field, went on a couple dates with some younger guys. Nothing serious, cause I didnt want serious. I went dancing with friends, picked up hobbies I dropped. Was having a great time.

Then I met someone. My supervisor set us up, knowing that I had just experienced a loss and this guy was newly divorced and new in town. I figured I'd show him around, we'd rebound off each other, no expectations, no commitments.

Weellll, it didnt turn out that way. We're everything the other was looking for in a partner. We both stayed in unhappy marriages because it was the right thing to do. Neither of our partners were family oriented. Even the timing was a coincidence. We got hired on at about the same time, his wife revealed her affair the same week DH passed. Hes got a stable job, is a good father. Everything DH wasnt. I'm everything his ex wife wasnt. On paper, it all looks picturesque. And the chemistry is totally there. He's great, he thinks I'm great. Everything is awesome.

Well, almost everything. So the back story is he knocked up this girl the first month they dated. He stepped up and was determined to make it work even after it became apparent that him and his wife were not compatible. Fast forward a few years, she tells him she wants to move to NC so he came down ahead of her and the kid, got a job, bought a house etc etc. The week he signed for the house, she came down and told him she'd been having an affair with her boss and she was done. Quick divorce, he didnt lose much, got 50/50 custody, no CS no alimony and she ended up moving 5 minutes down the road. He gets the boy,5, one week on one week off.

He's no disney dad, for sure. He's pretty good at disciplining, so I'm not worried about that. But this man is terrified his ex is going to somehow find a reason to go for full custody. I don't think she wants that. If she did, wouldnt she have said "screw you, I'm done, I'm moving to NC and taking the kid, pay me"? Yeah, its pretty dirty how she tricked him to move down here, but I honestly believe her intentions were good. Cant tell him that though. Hes convinced that she's just waiting, plotting and planning.

In the beginning, I'd back off a little during his weeks with the kid. Didnt want to interrupt or come across as needy. He'd text me, wondering why I wasnt texting him. (We exchanged 5000 texts the first month, it was insane) then he stopped texting and calling so much during his weeks. Even though his parents would come into town every other week to help him, he had to spend every available moment with his son because he "only" gets him half time now. *eyeroll* but for the longest time, I'd leave MY kids at home to go over there the weeks he doesn't have the kid. Things are a little different now, we're pretty serious and have plans for the future together so I bring the twins with me now. They like him, he's great to them, no problems there.

Like I said, he's terrified she's going to take the kid away from him. I'm just worried that I'm going to have to walk on eggshells from here on out because he's afraid. We've been together for almost 6 months and he still hasnt told her. Doesnt want to give her any "ammo". He just freaked out after I posted pics on Facebook of me, him and the twins hanging out on the couch because his dad called to to yell at him about it, worried that the ex wifes family would see (I'm friends with my boyfriends mom and stepmom on FB). Big fucking deal.

Doesnt it look worse that he's hiding something? If I was in her shoes, I'd want to know if some strange woman was coming around my kid. Granted I don't spend much time around him yet, but we're working towards it. Just got to take everything "slow" for the sake of the kids fragile psyche. Which I'm okay with to a certain extent. But am I going to end up putting my life on hold again? I'm rather patient, but I'm not going to wait forever. I'll be 28 in May, the clock is ticking.

I have actually met her once, before him and I got serious. He wanted to get his kid involved in some rodeo stuff and I had the connections to make it happen. She was very polite and even remarked that I was pretty. So I'm pretty sure she knows and doesnt really care. This is all very silly. I just noticed he went back and "unliked" the pictures. For fucks sake.

It's not fair, dammit. He's everything I want, need and deserve. But I have a feeling this is going to turn into a huge problem.


Mom2TwinsnTeens's picture

I think thats why I came back. Starting to recognize some red flags. His fear is totally irrational, isnt it insanely difficult to get a custody agreement modified? And I think BM is actually pretty reasonable. Shes gone out of town with her new bf twice during her week and let SO keep him instead of getting a sitter, but she asked for one of his weekends next month and his parents are giving him hell for it.

That's another red flag. His parents have been driving 8 hrs one way every other week to help him with the kid. SO is an important executive and last week his parents didnt come. Last week our company had a audit from a customer with a 20 MILLION dollar project. He had to leave early a few days and come in late one day because of the kids school schedule. He vented to me about his hard week of balancing work and parenting (hang on, lemme grab my violin) then said something about getting married. I called him out on that, it'd been a while since that subject came up but the first week hes gotta actually be a single parent he cant hack it so marriage looks like a solution? Granted he didn't word it that way and denied thats what he meant but I know at least on a subconscious level its crossed his mind.

Yeaaaa, now that I write this out it doesnt sound so good

Jsmom's picture

I agree with the others. He is not acknowledging your relationship. Big red flag. Are you sure you want this? That kid is 5 years old, that is a lot of years before he is not an issue.

Mom2TwinsnTeens's picture

If I stay, I'd be gaining financial security for myself and the kids. DH left me with nothing but a bunch of busted up tools that I could "sell". So that doesnt make me much better than this guy, honestly.

The question you've made me ask myself is will that be worth it?

And something else I've been thinking about today. It says a lot more about me than it does about him that I'm impressed with his quote unquote stability and that he plays with his kid. Hell, hes played with my girls more in the past 2 months (just now let him come around them) than DH did their entire lives. I'm fucking impressed with a normal guy, how sad is that? was all going so well