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(screaming from on top of a mountain) NOOOOOOOOOOO

mollygreen22's picture

My SS is 9 and my daughter is 8.  Ive pretty much alsways been in my stepsons life and its obvously gotten harder as he ages.  Hes in a point now where hes doing terrible in school wont listen,  has authority issues, entitlement issues and is becomming a down right hater.   We live in a 1 bedroom apt.    He comes over on the weekends sometimes every other weekend and as you can imagine the sleeping arrangements are terrible.   Now that is son is starting to have such entitlement and jealousy issues hes bomming so verbal about it.  You can tell my SO feels extremely guilty that he cant be with his son all the time is starting to parent by guilt.  Anything his son wants he gets, can act any way he likes and run the house however he likes.  Its so troubleing to me because my daughter is not perfect, however she will NEVER be able to talk or act the way he does.  Me and my SO have a strong partmer ship and see eye to eye when it comes to raising our daughter but when it coes to his son, ALL his parenting skills go straight out the window.  In no way do I feel or want to be this boys mother however I refuse to have a little 9 year old run my house.  Fast forwarding to now he gets in trouble in school and his mom and dad has to speak with his teacher.  His teacher his it on the head and gives it to them staight.  When there leaving the school his mother flat out says " well since hes not doing well with me maybe you should take him......  I cried,  like the lord cannot do this to me!  In the nicest way possible I remined him of our living situation and remined him that i dont believe him living with us will help at ALL and why,  HE DOES NOT KNOW HOW TO DISIPLINE HIM!... I will go crazy if he lives with us.   I know my SO deep down knows it will be a terrible situation for all of us but at the end of the day its his son.  Now that the living idea has came to a pause hes like well maybe thoughout the summer.  Again i live in a 1 bedroom and have 1 AC, work full time,  my mother watches my daughter while we are at work,  our budget for anything,  food, clothes, are limitied (mind you he feels like when he comes over he needs a gourme meal and wont eat anything i make and of course my SO caters to that and will get him mcDolands if the food isnt good enough for him).  So now what we have to take this kid the summer or possible live with us,  spring this on my mother that she will be watching 2 kids? Or find a babysitter with money we dont have? Im loosing my shit and honestly i think it would be a better situation if at least the kid wasnt so annoying and horrible to be around.  Like hes genually becomming not a nice person to be around.  Im loosing my mind and patience with this situation and am trying to keep it together.  I dont think enough wine in the world can help this upcomming summer lollll.  

Comments

Siemprematahari's picture

I would talk to your H and tell him this is the reason why his son cannot live with you both in a 1 bedroom apartment....because he's so busy being a guilty dad he DOES NOT KNOW HOW TO DISCIPLINE him. Until you see that he can parent his son him living with you both is not an option. Also, you all live in a small apartment its not feasible unless your H finds a bigger place with the understanding that he disciplines his son.

Spring this on my mother that she will be watching 2 kids?

Also its one thing for your mother to watch (her grand-daughter) but his son has no relation to her and she isn't obligated in anyway.

 

 

tog redux's picture

How could you take him full-time in a one-bedroom apartment? At the minimum, you'd need a 3 bedroom apartment before even 50/50 could be considered. And BM doesn't get to just throw up her hands and pass him over, if neither of them can discipline him, then they should BOTH take some parenting classes and split time with him. 

mollygreen22's picture

It will certianly be a more logical way of breaking it down for him.  And the mother i cant tell you how i cannot understand how she even spoke those words.  As a mother myself i could never hand over my child once things get rough!  

secret's picture

I can... because just like in an intact family, sometimes the needs of the child lie with the other parent. 

If I couldn't get through to my child but knew that maybe their father could, I would absolutely send the kid with his dad, because that's what would be best for the child.

Then again, I'm not an uninvolved parent with guilt goggles on... so my saving grace would be that I truly would have done everything in my power before passing the torch. 

No different than putting the child in therapy, to me. You give them what they need, even if that means allowing the other parent to take over for a while..  if you can't help them, take them to someone who might be able to.

secret's picture

I know, just saying...I can understand if a parent shifts responsibility to the other for a while. Normal parents. Wink

mollygreen22's picture

I couldnt agree more i would never even ask my mother for something like that i just dont understand his thought process!! I mean he really dosent know how to disipline this kid and now the proof is in the pudding with his sons behavior.  I tell him all the time a child that doesnt learn consequences as a child will never be able to learn consequences as an adult and my SO is heading for a lifetime of cleaning up after his sons messes if he cant get it together.  I cant put too much energy or emphasizing enough on how much this is going to effect this kid in the long run.  Im having enough trouble trying to rasie my daughter to be a kind, loving empathetic, positive, person in this insane world.  I dont have the patience for disrespectuful entitled children.

STaround's picture

Can you get on a wait list for a bigger apartment?  If money is a problem, can you find any low income housing where you live? 

Agree, DH needs parenting classes.  If the kid does come to live with you, DH needs to apply for child support.  If the mom does not want the kid, there is not much DH can do.

mollygreen22's picture

Right now we are in the process of getting a bigger place but that wont be for another year.  The both need parenting clasess, a dose of reality and some common sence! 

notarelative's picture

Don't spring it on your mom that she has to watch another child. If you do, you may find yourself without child care at all. It's DH's child. He needs to be the one to ask your mom if she will add his child to her day. He needs to also offer her money to do so. She shouldn't be adding to her expenses to accommodate his child.

DH and BM need to both ramp up their parenting. Both parents need to be disciplining if this child's behavior is to improve. Even if DH does a 180 and becomes a parent, if BM undermines him, behavior may get worse. 

If his son won't listen to and respect the teacher (the authority figure at school), what makes DH think he will listen to and respect your mom?

SteppedOut's picture

1. You/he do not have the space. 

2. You/he do not have the money to pay for another full time.

3. Your mother should not be just "expected" to take on your boyfriend's child. See #2 again as I doubt he has the funds to afford daycare. 

Can I ask.. how in the hell can he play disney dadee and buy all kinds of extras when your housing situation is so dire. It IS dire if you are all cramming into a 1 bedroom apartment and will not be able to upgrade for a year. 

Pammyc27's picture

I hope when your dh reasonably thinks about it he knows how foolish he sounds. I would NEVER expect my mother to watch my SDs if she was already watching her own granddaughters. No way in the world is that even right. And he’s not a well behaved child to even dump on to your poor mother to watch. Where will SS “live” ? On the couch? This is a recipe for disaster. Even for him to be there all summer is insanity. I second parenting classes for BM and DH if both clearly aren’t sure what to do 

mollygreen22's picture

Of course,  I would never ask my mom to watch another this was one of my many points of how redicolous the idea sounds of him comming to stay with us.  We really are cramped in my apt even now its redicouls how we are staying when he comes over on weekends.  Im telling my husband that the only way we can consider TRYING the SUMMER is if we move in to a bigger place, and even when that happens i still feel skeptical especially when his parenting his son is basically non existant.  Any thoughts on why hes such a good dad to our daughter and understands the gravity of responsibility and disipline with her and not his son?   i cant wrap my head around it.

Harry's picture

Except for multiple things. How to parent his son, where to live rules for the home.  That not seeing eye to eye !!

Think your have bigger problems because you don’t even know what going on in your own home.  Your mother does not have to take care of SS,  If BF can not care for him, he should be with BM