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Nut Job refusing to parent

MJL2010's picture

So after not seeing SStwinA13 during vacation week, and after refusing DH's request to sit down with DH and SStwinA13 last week to go over behavior and expectations, this horrible woman has said that SStwinA13 is no longer welcome in her house until DH fixes the problem HE CREATED. This was in response to yesterday's email from DH asking what time she'd like to drop SStwinA off here next weekend since she will be taking SStwinB13 to Boston for a soccer tournament (that incidentally I will be attending with DD12). Thank goodness Boston is big!

???????

She then texted SStwinA at 10:45pm, waking him up from a sound sleep (his phone was charging across the room but he hadn't turned volume off) to tell him that he was not allowed to come to her house today. Nice. He came up and told DH, half asleep.

This woman is unhinged, and it is hard not to feel threatened. She is making up lies about SS and now about DH's role in "creating" this situation. DH responded that at this point, until she fixes this, we are just providing SS a safe haven. She is very obviously trying to lay "groundwork" (can you call it that if it's fictitious?) for her upcoming sole-full custody case. How in the hell is she going to convince anyone to let her have sole or full custody when a. there has ben no change of circumstance, barring the one she has created herself of not allowing SStwinA in her house and b. not wanting one of her children to come back to her house?

I think he should call the school guidance counselor and let them know what's going on. I don't think he's going to.

Happy Monday!

Comments

Acratopotes's picture

I would inform the school then as a concerning Step Mother.... or encourage SSTA to do it himself....

I have no idea why BM is playing this game it's very stupid, Dh should simply tell her, fine I will keep SSTA and only pay you half CS....
then I will fight for SSTB and you will have ot pay me CS, SSTA already said he's not going back to you bitch

MJL2010's picture

Neither of them pays CS to the other as they share custody 50/50. Small blessing. (Thank goodness she walked out of mediation all those years ago- the fool mediator had DH convinced that it was reasonable for him to pay her CS even though she was making 5x what he was at the time- he was that desperate to get it done and over with. OMG.)

I mean, this cannot be good for SSTA's mental state, right???? I feel like a counselor should get involved.

Acratopotes's picture

SSTA definitely needs some therapy or counseling... there's no doubt n that, but it's very disgusting from her breaking up the twins, sounds like a sci-fi horror...

MJL2010's picture

Well the thing about that is that every few weeks it switches. She'll be on to SSTB before long and SSTA will be the golden child. They are not prefect behavior-wise by any means- what kid is? Here we call it "handing the shit baton off to the other"- it seems like they can never just be pleasant and follow rules at the same time- but this is over the edge on her part....threatening to call 911 on made-up charges of abuse, etc...this woman is clearly off the rails.

DH worries that SSTA is going to become a narcissist as well, and that that is why the two of them seem to butt heads more. Frankly I think they both have a good chance. Ah, step life.

Acratopotes's picture

The boys are 13..... it's the age of being a rebel, being the man and the boss and challenging all authority figures.. regardless if they are bio's or skids. It's just a fact of life, your DH acted the same way at that age.

This will pass round about 18 with the right parenting, Yes you will talk till you are blue in the face, you will punish them till they scream We hate you.... that's only them admitting you are right they are wrong hence the I hate you lol... The golden rule is to be consequent

You tell them once to do something (you do not ask) You give a clear instruction with a dead line to it.. eg.

SST, you have exactly an hour to clean your room, if not I will do it for you and believe me I will trash everything.
(see clear instruction with a dead line and the consequence)

Now an hour later, these mongrels will not have done anything - testing the boundaries and authority.... You do not say anything, you simply take the black bags and strip their rooms, they will scream and beg and shout, you have to stay calm and say, I did tell you and you made the choice of not following, now it's the consequence..... and by saying you clear out the room, you clear it out. They will sulk, scream shut door etc...

that brings me to slamming doors, calm voice - Do not slam my doors, if you do it again I will make you opening and closing it like a civilized person 20x, or, if you slam that door again I will remove it till you learn how to treat my possessions with respect.

On the screaming and calling you names and shouting, You simply reply with, Hey Bud, I'm not your friend I'm your parent and you will respect that fact, like I respect you as my child, now stop that behavior and behave... if he goes on screaming, simply clear the room, and walk away, ignoring him like he's not there

See 3 lessons in one hour, 3 consistent behaviors from you, you warn and you act, you remain calm, never scream back or shout, if it feels like you want to keep quiet, silent treatment rattles teenager allot.

This might go on for a month or 2 cause they think they will break you, yes they will break you but you simply do not show it... after 2 months things will become better, not 100%, but they will think twice testing the boundaries..... it will take longer for them to think of something.

My son is 22 this year and last night he laughed and said, I loved it when I got to push your buttons and you would loose it and scream and shout and cry, I won then, but when you started talking calm and doing what you said you will or ignoring me I became shit scared of you and thought twice about causing trouble...

This advice an old woman gave me, and it worked like a charm. Talkt o DH about it and think how you will handle it

nengooseus's picture

We deal with a (very likely, but undiagnosed except by DH's and my therapists) NPD BM, too.

I wouldn't worry about SSTA becoming a Narc like BM. More likely, he's developing some runner tendencies or will just simply end up as the "scapegoat" child. Narcs get pissy when they can't control someone, and it sounds like that's the way SSTA has headed.

My SD13 is the scapegoat. BM will occasionally focus on her to torture DH, but never to the detriment of SS8. He is always right and always held above all others. He even acknowledges it. He has no personality, except what BM has allowed him, so he's hateful to me and DD (BM told him he could be), a little turd with SD, and he's nice as pie to his step-dad. He's truly an extension of his mother. It's sad. I seriously doubt he'll ever buck her control over him.

Over the years, she's threatened to call the cops and CPS on DH. In court paperwork, she alleges that he neglects the boy and "can't address his emotional needs." It's largely empty threats, but we're careful.

Just remember--and remind your DH--you cannot co-parent with a Narc. They counterparent. Offer your SS refuge. Help him to think critically about the situation in which he finds himself. Validate his observations to the extent you can. Pursue therapy for him, if you can. But don't expect BM to be anything other than what she is--a bog old narcissistic pain in the butt.

momjeans's picture

Those poor kids. BM sounds like a raging narcissist.

I agree that a third party should be involved, or at least privy to the situation. I feel that it would be wise to have an arsenal of witnesses if she’s going to try and go for full custody.

Sorry if I overlooked it, but has she not been called-out in making false abuse accusations?