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Really hurt, please help me.

Mistygo1's picture

My bfs 6 yr old daughter has been very mean lately. Weve been dating a year. Shes been mean, sarcastic, insulting, whispering when hes not around that she will never listen to me. She totally respects her mothers girlfriend. Had a big fight yesterday when I said that the daughters rudeness was driving me crazy. Bf said that he would kick me out so fast. I realize he felt backed into a corner and that i was attacking them, but he was with his daughters mother while she had her son and he to this day feels animosity for him. So he shoild get it. And i was not attacking anyone, just stating how her cruelty was really impacting me. He says shes only 6, she doesnt mean it. I get rhat. But hearing it every day is very very hurtful. Now im on the fence about our relationship and hes apologized for his words but now I dont know what to think. I feel so replacable, like my presence isnt valued, even though the whole family uses my car, i pay for things for his daughter, i watch her all the time. I dont know how to feel better. 

Comments

Thefatherismyfamily's picture

Show him how replaceable he and his princess are and totally disengage. I started saying "we are over. I don't want to be with you anymore. This is a nightmare."  He has changed a lot since I said that. 

Thefatherismyfamily's picture

Not be involved In disciplining the skids

Not be involved in caring for them like cooking, cleaning, getting ready, nighttime rituals, driving them, buying them stuff 

not be involved in their recreational needs like movies, shopping, buying them gifts, planning their celebrations 

not be involved in important conversations with them like debates, decisions, school etc

focusong only on you and your comfort level

focusing only on you and your biokids if you have them 

no longer texting them or responding to their texts, instead show their dad their texts and have him respond instead

blocking them on all social media

every family activity is not centered on their needs, rather focus on you and you biokids needs and they are just along for the ride

never include them on important family decisions or even where to go for dinner, it's between you and DH.

wake up when you want and  not when skids needs you 

never agree to babysit them

they never get to enter your private space such as your bedroom 

Just some examples 

newvegas17's picture

So he's threatening to make you homeless, during a global pandemic, because you mentioned that his kid is annoying?

What happens when she's 13 (when she knows that she is the Queen and Daddy is her jester) and she wants you kicked out?

Just take this gut-reaction of his as a representation of what he considers your "place" in this relationship.

 

Also, is the son his too? or does she have another BabyDaddy? That part is confusing.

SteppedOut's picture

This. 

Are you financially independent? If not, you need to make that happen asap and find different living arrangements. He does not think of you as a equal if he is spouting off that you have to leave. 

Do not keep yourself in an unstable position. 

Mistygo1's picture

She has another babydaddy but for the whole year ive been here she sends over her 12 yr old son as well and we feed him, take him to school, etc. Neither of us are his parents. And he has.... Fecal issues. She uses us a free babysitter 

SteppedOut's picture

Ummm, WTF. Why is her other kid being sent? Why is your boyfriend accepting that? Why are you accepting his ex-wife's kid with turd problems as your problem to deal with?

Are you sure all the baggage is worth it?? 

Mistygo1's picture

Ive asked him many times why he lets the brother continue to come over and he says he doesn't know, just feels obligated. Probably because its his daughters half brother. Since it was his apartment to begin with and I moved in with him, ( i pay though), I feel like its his choice whether both the kids come or not. But i have spent so much of my personal finances, dealt with the brothers crappy attitude and literal crap for a year now! And I watched both kids for 4 months ( bf was working 50 hours a week) while their mother had legal issues and they couldn't live there. Unpaid, basically being their mother. All im asking is for respect. 

BethAnne's picture

I think that you need to think about why you let people treat you badly and continue to do nice things for them. This sounds like a pattern.

Oh, and plan for what you are going to do when your boyfriend throws you out or you decide you've had enough. Listen to what he said and believe him. 

If I was you I would either break up or get some therapy asap. It sounds like you two do not communicate well if you cannot reasonably discuss the child's behavior without a full argument ending in drastic threats. 

Mistygo1's picture

I know its a pattern Sad but that is just me... Ive always wanted to take care of people and Im afraid they wont love me if I stop doing those things. I do my best to communicate but I feel like bf just gets angry and cant manage to just talk abiu5 things, it makes him annoyed because hes a VERY closed off person, hard childhood, and he learned to stuff down his feelings and never speak about them. I say thats not healthy, he says it works for him. So when i bring something negative up, its like... He explodes. Especially when it comes to his kid. Even when shes being a total brat and he knows it. 

BethAnne's picture

Neither of you are ready to be in a relationship with each other. You both need help to make this relationship work. You need to learn how not to be co-dependent with others and how to respect yourself and what you have to offer and he needs to learn how to talk about difficult subjects without feeling attacked and lashing out, he also needs to learn about parenting. These may be traits learnt over years and ingrained in your current behaviors but they are not fixed in stone or unchangeable.

Until you both whole-heartedly address these fundamental issues separately and collectively you will not be able to have a healthy relationship with each other. 

If you are ready for a better life and a better relationship then start taking steps to learn how to adjust your view point and your actions. If your man isn't as equally committed to change, then personally I would leave. You cannot fix this relationsihp from one side. 

Gimlet's picture

My advice from your last post remains the same.

Don't waste the power and beauty of your youth on this sad relationship.   Spend some time with yourself (or a therapist) figuring out why you would even want to stay in this situation.   We accept the love we think we deserve.  

justmakingthebest's picture

When people show you who they are- Believe them.

The apologies that come later are fine and all but you saw his true and sincere self. There is no reason to put yourself through this. If he won't parent his daughter, make her be respectful and polite to you, won't be your partner- why are you still there? 

Mistygo1's picture

He is trying,  but she is a difficult one. Veeeeery stubborn and sarcastic and doesnt take our punishments seriously. 

Momof6WI's picture

I tell my fiancé how annoying his kids are at times, he will be the first one to agree with me. If something is off about my kids, he's honest with me as well. Sometimes it's so much easier for people to see things in our children that are rude, annoying, disgusting when they are NOT the parent. Makes you think! If my fiancé were to threaten me like that, um no - he'd be sleeping in the car. 

Harry's picture

He will kick you out so fast.  You know what he thinks of you.  Time to listen to him

susanm's picture

He threatened your security during a global pandemic when everyone is in quarantine.  I could care less about whether he apologized or not.  He clearly told you where you stand and that you are at risk unless you are a good little girl from here on out.  He slipped and told you everything you need to know about your future if you stay with him.  Start making plans and squirelling away money to save yourself as soon as the quarantine is lifted.

Mistygo1's picture

He felt really bad about what he said and that he wants me here, he just felt attacked especially when it concerns his daughter. I think he feels a lot of guilt for her. Theres been issues with the babymama, the kids have not had a secure life. He and daughter are.....reaaaaaally close. Like i feel jealous of their bond. Mostly because he seems to not be able to have a really close relationship with anybody else in the whole world. He said that he rhinks even babymama was jealous of their relationship because she never got the love she deserved. 

Gimlet's picture

You understand that being that attached to his child, to the extent of not being able to offer a partner affection, is not healthy, right? 

My love for my daughter does not preclude my love for my husband. 

Mistygo1's picture

I know its not healthy. Sad shes the only person in the world he can truly be emotionally close with. Which is why I get jealous! Im so glad she is so loved.  But hes made it very clear and told me several times that she will ALWAYS COME FIRST and I am not at her level. It makes me feel like a bad gf even though I know I do everything i can. He says im doing too nuch for them, showing too much love. Well im a loving person, just because hes emotionally unavaliable doesnt mean my abundance of love is wrong. 

susanm's picture

Yes is does.  It means that you are deliberately harming yourself and calling it a virtue.  At that point you are not a victim.  You are a volunteer.  He has told you that you are sh*t out of luck if you want love and respect from him but you are welcome to continue cleaning up his messes and warming his bed.  If you think accepting those terms makes you a "good person" then I respectfully submit that you need to get your head examined.

Mistygo1's picture

Ok. Listen. I am on 2 medications for clinical anxiety and 2 years ago barely got our of a physically and emotionally abusive relationship. I have some emotional damage and i get panic attacks. I am working HARD on ny self esteem wnd loving myself. Its hard enough without strangers tellinf me to get my head examined. My boyfriend has a lot of wonderful qualities which is why I stay! Everybody has issues they need to work on. So yeah, i do think im a good person. I understand you meant well.