Am I wrong to dislike my SD
I've never said this to anyone, but I really do not like my step daughter. I try my best to hide it and do a good job doing so. Her father got sole custody of her around the time we started dating, he asked if she could call me mom by the first month. I didn't want to sound mean and say no so I went with it (wrong choice) I know my boyfriend loves me he makes it very obvious, but I feel like I've been a single parent to a child that is not mine. He works every day and I stay home taking care of her, I feel like I'm going to go mad I am young (20) and still want to enjoy life but I have no friends, cant get a job bc this way is "easier" i cant leave anywhere without her, and if I do she does not listen in public and is very mean to me so I stay home and deal with her here. She used to see her mother once a week at a supervised visit but we've moved states away and now shes seen her once in person in 5 months and facetimes maybe 2 times every couple weeks, I do my best to care for her bc I understand she is young and needs attention and good parenting the most rn with these changes. She looks just like her mother I think that is a reason I sometimes dont want to be around her, her BM is a total bitch. She calls me the babysitter and a "child" and tries to talk bad about me to my boyfriends family and him, luckily they love me and always back me up. But I just feel like I've pushed all my hopes and dreams to the side to take care of a kid that is mean and a brat, I haven't had my bf to myself since we met I feel. And when hes home from work I let them have time together til she goes to bed bc I think its important for her to have quality dad time, but also bc when the 3 of us are together she pinches and bites me spits at me and jumps in between her father and I and usually slaps me til and tells "go away" until I go away. He tells her to stop and puts her in time out but she does it again and again til hes had enough and lays her down for bed. I dont know why shes mean to me when I try to be as nice and understanding towards her bad behavior. I dont want to sound like a pos, but I do none of this out of love for her but only for my boyfriend. I cant see myself with anyone but him, but I dont think I can handle his daughter anymore, especially knowing soon her mother will fight for her again and probably get 50/50 and she will turn into a person just like her. I don't know what to do, but just typing this out has made me feel a little better.
No. You're not wrong to
No. You're not wrong to dislike someone who is unlikable and abusive toward you. You're also not wrong if you don't love a child who isn't yours. That's just biology and very common.
What is wrong is for you to be expected to provide ALL the care for a child you didn't create. You say this set-up is "easier" but easier for WHO?
Tell your BF you're going to look into going to school / getting a job and he'll need to find child care for his child. Say it nicely but firmly...that your dreams are important to you and you are going to begin pursuing them by ________ (X Date). His response will tell you everything you need to know about how he sees you and your relationship.
Oh wait...you know what. Skip all that. Just RUN!!! You're too young to get saddled with someone else's kid just because it makes some man's life easier and more fulfilling. Your life matters, too.
You are entitled to your
You are entitled to your feelings and whether you like or dislike someone is less of a Wrong/Right issue than it is of maybe being justified/not justified.
As in almost all of the situations we see on here, the main problem you have is your BF. Clearly one of the reasons that he is with you is that you are able to be a fill in for the mother. TBH... asking you to allow his child to call you mom after only a month is a huge red flag... usually people that push for fast relationships have some ulterior motive or some defect at play... often it's that they are controlling and/or abusive and are trying to get you under their control asap.
I don't know if that is the case for him, but he certainly has you where he wants you.. at home caring for his child and isolated. I am guessing he thinks it's easier for you to stay home since if he had to PAY daycare... it would cost more money than you would likely bring into the household.. because I am assuming that at 20, you don't have a lot of marketable skills....yet. That's the thing.. you aren't even getting the CHANCE because he has you at home. Next step is for him to get YOU pregnant so that he can keep you there.
You say you can't imagine being with anyone else.. well.. honey... the unvarnished truth is that you very likely WILL not stay in this relationship.. he is likely to find someone else.. and/or you will finally get sick of him dictating your life... or you will get finally fed up with caring for HIS child and dealing with all the crap that comes with a crazy EX.
Now, of course it's not fair to blame the kid for looking like mom.. kid can't help THAT.. but bad behavior? That is something that is parented out of kids.. I am assuming the child is fairly young and if you are pretty much the primary caregiver, it's up to YOU to teach her how to behave well..if you accept the responsiblility of caring for her.. which, to be honest, it sounds like you don't want that.
So... even though you think this guy is the end all, be all.. there are a LOT more men out there.. men without the baggage this guy has. And.. at 20 years old, you deserve the opportunity to work and develop the ability to support yourself... not be tied down to a kid and a situation you didn't create.
I think you need to be honest with him about what you want out of life.. and if it's not caring for the child then that is what you need to tell him.. that you will support him.. but you are not going to stay home to care for the child.. you want to work. If he doesn't want what's best for you.. maybe he is not best for you either.
She is about to be 4, I know
She is about to be 4, I know shes young and will probably grow out of hating me, but I've thought her alot teaching her to be nice to me and others is a whole lot harder. I have tried to explain to him how I feel about it one time before but he said it has to be this way and I haven't talked about it since. Reading these comments about him mainly wanting me for a babysitter is making sense. Moving 11 states away from home didn't make anything easier for myself I guess.
I don't believe she hates you
I don't believe she hates you in the typical way one might think. I think she resents you. I think she resents the attention that your BF pays you... she is spoiled and was used to having daddy all to herself. She also is probably very confused at the prospects of having to call a strange woman mommy. At your age, you can't have been in this relationship very long.. it sounds like you are way over your head in several ways. 1. you probably don't really know what you are doing with regards to caring and raising his child... you are only 20.. very little experience.. you are naturally not going to do things perfectly. 2. Her father needs to continue to insist she treat you with respect... I am guessing that the abuse only happens when he is there.. or at least mostly.
Look, you aren't supposed to just allow a child to use you as a punching bag. If you think the kid has developmental issues that need therapy then tell her dad to get her help. There is nothing that should prevent you from disciplining the child (consequences.. not putting your hands on her)... if he doesn't back you up.. you are DONE caring for a child you have no control over.
HOnestly... I really think you would probably be better off going back home.. licking your wounds and working on yourself. Get some training/education.. have a career.. build a social life.. enjoy life. There are way more fish in the sea... I seriously would be making plans to go back home asap.
What is it with these guys
What is it with these guys that take their kids only to hand them over to a girlfriend? Do they really want the child or do they just not want BM to have the kid? OK, I see in some cases they don't want the kid and the BM just isn't capable...
Anyway, never mind about all that. You're 20. You either need to be in school or you need to be in work that develops you. You at home with HIS kid is not "how it has to be". Do not let this guy talk you into squandering your youth and being a babysitter who just gets room and board and is isolated from friends and family. If you have family who are at all supportive, see if they can get you back to where you're from and help you get in some kind skills training. Otherwise you are destined to be ex BM2 and in a lifetime of poverty and drama.
The fact that he's saying "the way it has to be" tells me that he's manipulating you in an abusive way. It's hard to leave relationships like that - I know to my cost. But it can be done. Be careful. Plan well. Do NOT get pregnant.
I don't think the child is
I don't think the child is your problem here. You are setting yourself up for a world of hurt. You've moved far from your support system and you are not working outside the home, which I assume means you are mostly at the mercy of your boyfriend. You really need to make some changes. Let him find another daycare provider for his child. YOU need to get a job or further your education. Granted, you might not make enough to cover childcare costs, but it's not your child, and you need to build a resume and gain education or experience or you will remain at the mercy of this man, or another one.
He won't be happy about it, but does it really matter? The girl is HIS child. You are not his slave. If your relationship is a mutually supportive, healthy one, he will want you to improve yourself and will understand your need to do something other than be the convenient (for him) babysitter for his child. If it's not a mutually supportive, healthy relationship, then why stay with him? Why remain in an area where you're not enjoying what you're doing day in and day out and you have no friends? What are your other options?
Please call your parents. You
Please call your parents. You were 16 when your boyfriend and his girl made their baby. As a single father he should have access to free day care vouchers, food stamps and possibly energy assistance.
Should you decide your boyfriend is your future husband I would suggest to please find a family and marriage therapist. He/she will be of great service to you IF you are truthful right out of the gate revealing everything you told us here.
What do YOU want your life to look like.
IF you believe you are totally totally stuck and have no place to go and have a cell phone, call non emergency at police station. Tell them you need help right away to leave in a safe manner OH and by the way there is a young child present too.
We've been together for 2
We've been together for 2 years, since I was 18. So her and I are no strangers she knows me very well. I've tried time outs and no snacks stuff like that, I dont agree with spanking someone elses child so that is not an option. & very true I had no experience what so ever with children before her I've never even held a baby, but I managed to potty train and teach her words abcs numbers and things she needs to know discipline is the hardest. I've learned to deal with it and try to make the best out of life but I will probably take some of your advice and move on, just hate that I wasted years of my life. Ugh.
You’re only 20?!?! You need
You’re only 20?!?! You need to run from this situation as fast as you can. Her behavior is not normal even for a 4 year old.
Your feelings are normal. It
Your feelings are normal. It will be like this for a long time. Good luck dear. Come here to vent.
No you are not wrong to
No you are not wrong to dislike the situation. So... whatcha gonna do about it?
I suggest packing, calling your BF and notifying him that you are leaving and he needs to make alternative arrangements for child care. This guy has isolated you from friends and family and does not allow you to work.
This is so far from passing the smell test of reasonableness that it would gag a maggot.
As for wasting 2 years of your life... you have wasted nothing. You have had two very valuable years of learning experience that will stand you in good stead for the rest of your life... if you take it to heart and never forget it.
Good luck, take care of you, and don't every again engage in a relationship with a prior relationship breeder. You are too young to take on someone elses breeding history. You have too much life to live and enjoy to sacrifice yourself on the alter of Sparental martyrdom. Save that sacrifice for those of us who have the life experience to possibly navigate that journey somewhat successfully.
No
No your not horrible. I do not care for my boyfriends nine year old son. He has no rules or discipline for his child. He puts him in a time out for 2-3 minutes thats not a proper punishment for a nine year old. He expects me to treat his kid equal to my children but have no say in his discipline I told him I will never treat his child as an equal.