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Heading down the path of being a step parent

misspeanut's picture

This is my first attempt to writing a blog. I have read alot of stories on this site. Some I have agreed with and some I have not.

My story................

3 years ago I met a wonderful man. I new he had two grown daughters, now 25 and 23, but didn't know about a younger son, 12. Over the past 3 years we have had numerous discussions (sometimes fights) over the way he handles the son. He coddles him, lets him make all the decision about if and when he wants to come over to visit. Whether or when she wants to stay with daddy or go and stay with grandpa or stay at cousins. Whatever he wants to do, he gets to do. Dad constantly caters to the boy, cooking him meal after meal (whatever the boy decides they are going to eat), cleaning up after him, etc. etc. That is all fine and good.

We got engaged a little over a year ago. I have said over and over and over again that I will not be picking up after the boy and will not be making constant special meals for the boy, everytime he is over. He will eat the meal that has been prepared or he can make himself a sandwich. I have stated that the father needs to teach the child responsibility and lead him down the path to be a good provider and hard worker.

My fiance also has two grown daughters. They can't get their life in order. The oldest one (25 year old) has a 4 year old son. She is in one relationship, after another, moving the little boy out of one household into another one. She was just engaged to a 48 year old man - who was the "love of her life" and she was living him him for about 6 months. She knew I didn't approve of it and neither did her father. They broke up. She moved out. She started dating another guy, about a week later, dated him for about 5 weeks - and guess what - now she is 5 weeks pregnant. She doesn't work, didn't finish college, now had another baby on the way....... and seems to just look for one man after another to take care of her. She can't take care of herself and her 4 year old, let alone another child!

The middle daughter (23 years old) has already been married for year and half, divorced, and moves in and out of relationships like crazy. Constantly moving from one place to another. I don't worry about her too much since it is just her. But eventually I believe that she will get pregnant, just to have someone take care of her. She doesn't want to work either. Goes from one job to another. Never seems settled and if anyone tries to talk to her - she flies off the handle and is terrible to get along with.

My daughters are older (28 and 26). The oldest is married, went to college, has a good job. The youngest finished college and has a good job. They both are hard workers and, not perfect, but very good kids.

I love my fiance with all my heart, but I am scared to death about his kids. When we argue about them, he constantly tells me that I am too "hard" on them and that they are young and going to make mistakes and I need to give them the benefit of the doubt.

I guess I just want some feedback on what is the best way to handle all of this.

Comments

Benelly's picture

My advice: the two adult children should not be a factor. At all. They are adults, they have already been raised, and there isn't anything you can do to change the people they are. They don't live with you, and I assume you are not giving them money. (Now if they were living in your house and/or you were giving them money, that would be a different story.) The 12 yr old--so his father recently found out he had a 12 yr old son? It sounds like he has guilty daddy syndrome. Even so, if he is just now getting to know his son, he may not feel comfortable being an authority figure since he had no authority in his upbringing. I suggest counseling for him and his son. I wouldn't press too much on his lack of parenting skills yet, I would let him talk to a professional first. This is probably a difficult reunion for both of them. Good luck!

misspeanut's picture

The adult children have moved back with daddy, once already, and I am so afraid that after we are married, that the older daughter will be moving back in with not only 1 grandchild, but now 2. Maybe not, but that is my fear.

I might have mislead the story about the 12 year old. He has known him all along. He has been divorced for about 5 years now. The ex-wife is the mother of all 3 kids. So he isn't just getting to know his son. That is just how he treats the son when the son comes over on the weekends. Sorry, if I was unclear.

Maybe it is just me and how I am trying to learn to handle the differences of the families. I don't have respect for the ways his daughters are acting and don't really like being around them. But I also realize that if I want this to work, I have to figure out a way to do that.

Benelly's picture

My advice: the two adult children should not be a factor. At all. They are adults, they have already been raised, and there isn't anything you can do to change the people they are. They don't live with you, and I assume you are not giving them money. (Now if they were living in your house and/or you were giving them money, that would be a different story.) The 12 yr old--so his father recently found out he had a 12 yr old son? It sounds like he has guilty daddy syndrome. Even so, if he is just now getting to know his son, he may not feel comfortable being an authority figure since he had no authority in his upbringing. I suggest counseling for him and his son. I wouldn't press too much on his lack of parenting skills yet, I would let him talk to a professional first. This is probably a difficult reunion for both of them. Good luck!

misspeanut's picture

I mislead you on my post. I meant when I was being introduced to him, I was only told that he had a grandson, not a son still at home, by the person that was setting up a blind date. I am sorry to mislead everyone. So he isn't a terrible father that wasn't taking care of his son, he is actually the opposite. He is a smothering father that does everything for his son and caters to him.

sorry for the mislead.......................

dontcallmestepmom's picture

I would absolutely not marry this man. I agree with everything Echo said above. You are ALREADY seeing what your marriage will be like. You have told your fiance that you are not catering to his son. I can guarantee you that this won't change what your fiance does. He will continue to do what he is doing, and his son will grow up with NO coping skills. You will be the bad guy and the evil stepmother. Your fiance has TOLD you that he does not agree with you-this marriage is going to be a disaster. I also guarantee you that he will allow his daughters to move in, based on what he has said to you. He will feel bad for them.

You are lucky because you have been warned. This man is NOT going to change, and you are going to have a terrible time being married to him. I have young adult skids (19-23) and I saw how bad they were before I got married. I told my DH that if he wanted to marry me, they could never move in, nor would we support them. 2 of them don't work, have never worked, and the other one works a pt job. They only contact him when they want something, but now they are pressing to move in, because BM does not want them around anymore because they are so lazy and refuse to do anything but eat and sleep. My DH is very good about saying no, but they just do not stop. I would have never married DH if he had not agreed to what I had asked. Your fiance is telling you that he does not agree with you NOW. It will only get worse. Do not marry him.

nothinforya's picture

You see how the two older children turned out. The 12YO will be parented the same way, by the same people. Doesn't look good for him, and his path may be more turbulent because he is male. Why marry now? If you are still together when the boy is 18, you can consider it then.

misspeanut's picture

When we discuss the girl's bad behaviors, he always blames the ex-wife. She cheated on him while they were married. She has moved in and out of relationships and had one man after another. She, too, does not want to work and seems to find men that will take care of her.

My fiance, on the other hand, has always been the bread winner and has always worked to support his family. He is not a lazy man. He does seem to have the same morals that I do, but when his kids constantly mess up, he makes excuses for them and says they are "following in their mother's footsteps", etc.

Is there a possibility that we could have an agreement that the girls would NOT be allowed to move back in the household - ever? He doesn't give them money - so that is a blessing.

Or, should I just run?

dontcallmestepmom's picture

You absolutely SHOULD have that agreement-no one moves in. That is what I had to do. And I am thankful I did it. My DH's kids are just so nasty, but even if they were decent, we do not have room in our tiny house for them. It is non-negotiable for me. My DH is sticking to his promise, but there are times I do wonder what will happen, like if they become homeless. I can so see that happening some day. They will never come here, for many reasons.

You can make the agreement, but that does not mean your fiance will stick to it! And if does, you then may see him handing them money because he feels bad.

Then, you still have the issue of his son. He is going to grow up thinking that the world revolves around him. No coping skills, no concept of reality.

My DH is also a good guy. He works 6 days a week, and has since before his kids were born. Their mother has never worked. She taught them that they should not have to work, and I think they believed that DH would never leave. All he was, and ever will be is a wallet to them. It is so sad. He tried to set rules and boundaries, but BM fought him every step of the way. It became a battle---BM and the kids vs. DH. DH gave up, and gave in, too, until about 2 years ago. They got SO bad that he stopped enabling. It was hard, but he did it. Had he not, I would have left.

My DH made excuses, too, but he finally woke up when all 3 of them got so bad he was forced to. They were so nasty to me, which also helped him see the light. He has guilt, but not too bad, because he still tries to help them (with advice, not cash) and they REFUSE to do anything productive.

If I were you, I would run.

silentnites's picture

I knew what you meant. It sounds as if you love your fiance very much. You also stated that you have raised your children into decent responsible adults. There are a whole lot of years left to raise with the 12 yr old. God forbid the older daughter moves back in with him along with the children.

I guess the question you have to ask is whether you want to get mixed up in that mess in your later years, or rather enjoy the two children you have raised and await grandchildren with them. At 52 myself, with the skid issue behind me as they are all good adults, and our own children raised as well, I do not think I would choose that path again. The wonderful man you have chosen has a great many years of responsibility ahead of him..It could be a very rocky path for you.

Prayers and best wishes

Love51's picture

I think its important to aknowledge your own parenting skills and how well adjusted your own girls are. That being said, it sounds like your fiance's daughters are taking after their own mothers. IF, you decide to marry, I would have agreements in advance about the future and in anticipation that they will at some point try to move in. Pre-marital counseling may help to put that into place, you want to make sure you are both on the same page. As for the 12 year old, stay consistent and stick you what you believe in. Clearly, you have the best parenting skills of anyone in this whole scenario. Trust what your gut is telling you. If you stay, you are making the decision knowing what is in front of you.

misspeanut's picture

I have already said that I could not and would not live in the household if either girl came back home to live - no matter what the circumstances. He then asked me if my daughter and her husband ever divorced, would I just turn her/grandkids away?! Of course I wouldn't want to - but my kids are so much more responsible than his and not standing around looking for a handout and someone to take care of their lazy asses. So that is hard. He always says "why is is okay for you to take yours in, but mine would not be welcome"? Hard, hard, hard decision.