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Taking a poll.. is this ok?

misslisa's picture

Alrightee..so as mentioned before. I am living w my man paying in toward his house that he now calls our house.  (documents putting me on the deed etc are in the works). SD (26) and husband live here and do not pay anything. They are aware I am paying in.

 

This house belonged to BF and xwife. She left him hanging w a huge second mortgage and other debt which he has cleaned up. There was also physical abuse on her part--throwing stuff, pulling down furniture, locking him and daughter out of house etc. They have been divorced 7 years.

SD got married a month ago and xwife was actually very nice and was respectful and wished me an BF well. We made the best of it..

 

xwife never visits--but today she just decided to stop by. I don't like it and it feels awkward. I was out doing errands when SD at least had the courtesy to "warn" me....

She was nice when I came in, but I still don't like it.

 

Heres my question..be gentle lol

I talked w my fb (calmly) about the unscheduled visit as he as at work. He feels that I should accept these visits because she is his SD mom. I get that. He also said since SD is preggo that might be the reason for a visit. I don't know if xwife called the SD first before coming. As previously stated in my first blog, SD has said she and husband are moving before baby comes in 8 mo.

 

is it unreasonable for me to say I don't want the xwife here? Like ever? lol  and as of now--not waiting until they move? 
 

BF did rethink his initial position of --she never visits and it's only until they move..

He said he is sorry this happened to me and that we can all discuss when he gets home..and come up w a system to make me comfy.

And yes, I have redecorated some of our house to reflect my taste and will do more as I go and even more when SD leaves..

 

ok go ahead let me have it....

 

 

 

 

Comments

Gimlet's picture

The ex stopping by isn't OK if you're uncomfortable with it, period. 

I'm going to copy and paste a paragraph from our very wise exjuliemccoy from your last blog and then add some thoughts of my own:

Stop accepting the unacceptable, and raise your standards, because Nice has only gotten you a ride on the crazy train to Dysfunction Junction. My advice is to move out. This dynamic has been going on for years, and the only thing you can control or change is yourself. Tell your bf that you're not willing to be a sister wife; that he allows his daughter to completely dominate him, and it's gross. Tell him you'll only date him if 1) he starts individual therapy, 2) Tells his daughter in your presence that you are his priority and she needs to move out, and 3) that he will downsize, eliminating the possibility of her moving back.

So now, on top of having to deal with his 26 year old, married, pregnant daughter and her husband, who live there and pay nothing and who don't treat you well, now you are supposed to suck it up and deal with his ex just dropping in.

Basically your boyfriend has toasted some bread, crapped on it, handed it to you and said "Enjoy your sandwich!" 

Where are your needs in all of this?  Your need for a peaceful home where you have agency?  Your need to be able to have a relationship between two people that doesn't include an adult child?  Your need to see the returns on your contributions instead of supporting people who aren't even decent to you?

Stop accepting being treated like an afterthought.  Set your boundaries and articulate them and if they are not respected, move out.  None of this is fair to you.

misslisa's picture

It is sinking in!

 

I just feel like he will say you knew I had a daughter..you knew she lived here..why is it an issue now...

Gimlet's picture

Yes, you knew he had a daughter.  What you didn't realize was how it was going to be to live with her and the fact that your boyfriend seems to be incapable of setting boundaries with her and instead expects you to cater to her as well.

I certainly wouldn't expect a newly married, pregnant adult woman to be living with her father along with her new husband.  It's not a financial issue either from what you said - it's the fact that she has it made and she knows it.

I wouldn't expect that I would be treated like this (quote from your other blog) "If I say anything about anything she claims I don't know what I'm talking about or I'm an idiot.." especially by some deadbeat who isn't paying rent.  She has told you she plans to dump the baby on your anytime she wants and that you won't be "taking her daddy away" and your boyfriend can't seem to find it in him to stand up to her in any way.

So of course you didn't realize he was going to treat her like the lady of the home, because it's dysfunctional and odd.  And even before we get to all that, why should you have to defend your very reasonable request that her mother not drop in?  You are walking into the home that YOU HELP PAY FOR to see SD treating it like she owns it and inviting anyone she wants over, whenever she wants. 

I would say she needs to move out, but that isn't going to solve the fact that your boyfriend is an invertebrate.

 

BethAnne's picture

Totally ok.

If most of us do it when there are minor children involved then adults living in our houses can definately see their mothers away from our homes. 

tog redux's picture

Provided BM is sane, I'd be fine with her coming to pick up SD, planned ahead of time, and maybe even stepping inside to say hello - but not just dropping by.

Also - if she took out a second mortgage on the house while they owned it, who is paying that back? Please tell me you aren't helping with that.

misslisa's picture

He finished cleaning up the entire financial mess when we were in year 1. He had started but knew I would not move in if the deed/title etc were not clean

at least I did one thing right❤️

Rumplestiltskin's picture

Idk, SD is 26 and married. I say SD sees her mom outside your home! It's bad enough you have a pregnant mid-20's SD and her husband living rent-free. To have to put up with BM in the house seems like too much, especially if it's unannounced. If that's selfish, mark me down on the selfish list, too! 

Harry's picture

Time to make a stand, is DH bullsh*ting you?   It's not ok to have the ex come over.  You should sell that house and buy something you both want.  You what you can do what you want with it .  Re paint, ect 

ndc's picture

It's totally reasonable for you to say ex-wife can't visit. His D can visit with her mom outside of your home. If BF doesn't ban her because you're uncomfortable with it,  then it's not really your home,  and I would move out until the SD is gone.

I hope you're not paying more than 25% of the housing costs,  since you're only 25% of those living there. 

Stepmama2321's picture

He told you that you need to accept her visits. If you don't have a say in who comes to your home, then it's not your home.

Lifer33's picture

Do it outside the home, at a cafe or something. If sd can't cope, move in with her mother. This is totally disrespectful even if you and bm were the best of friends.