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Need advice.

MissK03's picture

Guys.. what to do...

SD16 met BM for breakfast this morning... and what did she do.. go on about how she regrets leaving SO.. this is now turning into every time (basically two years now) she sees SD, SS18 doesn't talk to her and who knows about SS20.

We were at SOs great nieces bday party.. (SOs nephew is only two years younger then me) SD met us there for 15 minutes and instantly tells me. 

I don't know know what to do. I don't want to tell SD16 to NOT tell me. But I told SO I'm getting reallyyyy close to messaging BMs husband on the book. Which won't do anyone any good but this shit needs to stop.

SOs sister in law and most of his family said do it haha. I said to SO I am TIRED of constantly hearing about BMs regrets and this and that every blue moon she sees her kids. IT IS SOOO OLD. She just craves attention. 

She WANTS the kids to tell SO.. she WANTS SO to message her... she WANTS us to fail (been together 8 years they have been divorced 12) she WANTS her back burner back... that's all he ever was... 

SO says how she would love for us to get into with her.. I completely agree. When does it fucking end though...

I said do you get it?? Imagine having to listen to about how much someone "misses me" all the time. 

The kids are getting older and it's getting more annoying! She isn't giving up!! She's married FFS!! Hasn't done anything for her kids in 10+ years!! 

I've been sitting back for a few years now but what do we do? Just let it go on... I'm at a loss with this stuff.




DPW's picture

Ugh. Don't engage, BM will love that knowing she "got to you" as planned.

SD is old enough for your DH to have a conversation with her about what is appropriate to share with her father's side of the family, including you. This is a good lesson opportunity, in my opinion. Has he ever tried?

MissK03's picture

He has.. SD is 16 going on 30 and she knows it's BS but I think a deeper conversation needs to be had IMO.

BM is becoming more and more "aggressive" about her angle of she regrets leaving SO, if she could turn back time etc. She can NOT have a convo without bringing SO into it.

PetSpoiler's picture

It's a catch 22.  If you or SO say anything, she is getting a reaction out of you, which is probably what she wants. If you don't, then she'll keep doing it.  Would SD be comfortable with telling her mom to knock it off, that she doesn't want to hear it? If BM knew it bothered SD, would she stop?  She doesn't need to be talking to her minor child about this anyway.  She needs to be talking to a friend or a therapist, who can then tell her to shut up.  

Winterglow's picture

Just keep reminding yourself that she has to be pretty pathetic and have a very sad and unsatisfying life if she keeps harping on about the past and her regrets. She had her chance. It would be kind of nice if SD (without prompting) told her mother what a pitiful apology for a woman she is...

Survivingstephell's picture

DH needs to , in front of SD, tell BM that her whining is inappropriate, that we are never ever getting back together, that she needs to stop all this talk now.  It's damaging to SD.   You need to stay out of it.  Then he needs to tell SD to stop sharing this with you, that this topic is ridiculous and won't be discussed anymore. 

 My DH  had to draw a hard boundary with BM at one point and it was effective.  If he needs a reason , it's for SD's mental health. It's not good her mother is doing this.  If she's struggling she needs a therapist, not drop all this on SD.   IMO.  

MissK03's picture

We both have told SD how inappropriate it is amongst other things BM tells her. BM rarely sees her... but everything is revolving around SO... SD has stated this too. 

BM has seen therapist.. we are pretty sure shes all medicated up (like her mom) BM said her therapist told her to basically stop taking her visition almost 6 years ago.. claimed the therapist said if the kids didn't want to go to not make them..

That was it they never went to her house again... ironically that was after court in 2018 and she wasn't getting a dime anymore.. SO gave her not court ordered money for her EOWE visitation that she took... and half the time made excuses not too. 

I think she just seeks constant attention... specially from SO thru skids. SD told me that BM asked her if she should stop texting SO (which wasn't much about taxes mainly but then she would try and bait SO in to convo and he wouldn't bite) and SD told her to stop... BM was like ohhhh your father doesn't want to talk to meeeee. 

SD is pretty guarded with her emotions around BM. She says she just doesn't care but I know she does... she has too. She said yesterday when BM started her shit she just sat there and basically rolled her eyes. SD also has confirmed that BM uses me as the scapegoat for reasons why her and SO "aren't friends anymore." The specifics I don't know.

This is just becoming more and more of an issue. SS20 and I don't have a relationship and part of it is because of this type of stuff that BM pulls. SS20 is heavily influcened by her. Plus they have similar brains. SS18 doesn't like her and he could care less.

Its amazing though for someone who rarely sees her kids by choice for years upon years stil manages to find ways mainly via texting to disrupt our lives.


MissK03's picture

I'll add too... the reason they divorced was BM cheated, they got divorced, she was in between boyfriends, SO took her back and she left again. It wasn't going to work anyways but...

Another fun story... 

SO also let BM stay in the house (the 2nd time) while she was seeing her boyfriend from CA ALSO for a 2nd time...we are in CT. LOL.. yeah. This guy moved from CA here, they broke up, she moved back in with SO, that last a few months, she moved out again, she convinced the guy from CA to come BACK and naturally that didn't work. SO let this guy leave a storage unit in his driveway LOLL. I don't know what SO was thinking.. that's how much of a peace keeper he was before me. SO says the guy was nice though... stupid but nice... IMO no different then SO.

BM also left her current husband (before they were married) moved in with another guy for two weeks, she brought the kids around him while she was still living with her husband, moved out for two weeks, this guy took the kids and his kids on a small vacation (upstate NY)  then she went back to her husband....  We knew that wasn't going to work because he had kids... 

This is who she is... 

Rumplestiltskin's picture

What if you said to SD next time she brings it up, "Wow, that's really pathetic. A failure as a mom and as a wife." Do you think that would shut down SD telling you guys about it? BM can say what she wants but to me, it's the way it's impacting YOUR life that's the problem. It sounds like BM is personality-disordered. You can never change that, and engaging with a personality disordered person is what they want. The worst thing you can do to that kind of person is ignore them and make them feel insignificant. That's why they start drama, to feel important, since deep down their biggest fear is that they aren't "special." 

Survivingstephell's picture

It also bugs them when they find out that their ex spouse partner exposes them some way , as in telling the new spouse about their deep dark "secrets" and they happen to let them know the know.  It's the ultimate betrayal in their eyes and wipes away all illusion they are still special.  

MissK03's picture

I talked to SD.. she brought it up first. SD and I are close and I've had multiple convos with her about BM but this is getting out of control. SD brought up BM bringing up SOs friend and he's an "asshole." BM brought up one of SOs SILs said she's a bitch. I was like wtf... Now she's dragging SOs friends and family.. 

We talked for about 30/40 minutes (we were the only ones home) and I just explained to her how inappropriate it all is.. I told her I really don't understand her constant stuff  about regretting SO etc. I gave SD some example of past things she was unaware about too. Small things BM did but either way needed to be explained for the bigger picture. SD says she always says something about us. 

Long story short I explained how BM makes them feel guilty about everything (SD is over this and we have already talked about this many times)  We go on vacation she's "jealous." We do anything oh your dad has "more money." And has missk. Too much to write but BM and her husband are fine... Her husband has money. 

SD left for work and SO called me on break... I told him about our convo etc and I think he needs to have a convo with all 3 of them together. He thinks BM is spiraling because now nothing is working for her. We will see..

The biggest thing I preach though is to never feel guilty and feel like it was their job to create the relationship with BM. That was on her as a parent. 

Sadielady's picture

I don't think SO should talk to BM about it. IMO, it's not his place to tell BM what kind of conversations she should have with her kids. And if he talks to BM about it, she'll know that it bothers you. SO should speak to SD and ask her to not share the things BM says about OP and SO. 

MissK03's picture

We aren't going to say anything as much as we would love too. You are not fully aware of my situation. BM has basically no part in her kids life for years now. So it kind of is our buisness to a degree if she's trying to alienate (kind of) skids from us and doing thing to harm their mental health. Considering all her conversations with her kids are about us. 

Sadielady's picture

I see what you're saying. And I totally get the need to protect the kids from inappropriate communication. It's just that it doesn't sound like BM would cooperate with any boundary you and/or SO set. It's great to hear that you have a good relationship with your SD .

CLove's picture

I definitely would shut down those conversations. Not fun at all!

Rags's picture

My SS did when the Spermidiot would whine to SS asking "Does your mom still love me?"

It would confuse SS when SS was younger.  Once SS got into his early teens, he would laugh in the Spermidiot's face, tell him that his mom and dad loved each other very much.  When Spermidiot pushed once, SS told him that my DW does not think of him at all.

Your SD needs to reply with "You should have thought of that before you left/cheated, etc..... Dad loves MissK03 very much. They are happy, leave them alone."

A couple of years into our marriage the Spermidiot did call our house one ttime crying to DW that he missed his family. No mention of his cheating, having spawned more OOWL kids, nothing. DW just laughed at him then asked him if he wanted to speak to his son.

We did not badmouth the SpermClan to SS.  We would answer his questions when he asked, we would clarify SS on crap the SpermClan would pull.   As he grew up, he learned to recognize their manipulations and lies and he started calling them on it in real time based on the facts we continually reviewed with him in an age appropriate manner as he was growing up.   

The last time Spermidiot pulled the "Does your mom love me?" crap, SS shut him down hard enough that it never resurfaced.

Parents/SParents living their best lives  together is the best example for kids in blended families.   It sets an example, demonstrates a respectful caring partnersship, and it gives a kid foundation for dealing with the toxic side of their blended family equation when one exists.

If SD won't shut this pathetic BM shit down herself, her father should. The message to BM should be "Never mention this again to my children or to me. If you do, I will immediately share it with your husband. Stop being so pathetic."


MissK03's picture

I'm pretty sure SD is almost there. We think logically so we just don't understand why this is coming such a heavy subject for her to use now. It's every time she talks to SD she brings it up. Hence why SO thinks she's spriling like her BM did at this age. 

BMs games are really just not working anymore (and the haven't in a long time) but she's starting to feel the consequences now.. 

Rags's picture

they start grasping for straws. Just making themselves more pathetic.

If their life is successful, rather than pathetic regrets, they often get a superiority complex and upity

When the Skids have a positive example to stand on in the side that counters the pathetic parent's side, the kids can overcome the pathetic parent and succeed in life.

The challenge is, can the kid keep the pathetic parent in their place and engage in their own best life.

My SS has done it pretty well. Though he does struggle a bit with the pathetic fulled baggage from his SpermClan upon occassion.  He works hard and successfully at his career.  However, he does struggle with some guilt over how profoundly that half his gene pool continues to fail through yet another generation.

His mom, my DW, has some of the same struggles with her family.  She is extemely successful in her life and career.  Alone she earns more than her mother and her three siblings combined.  It has been quite a while, but she used to upon occassion get a bit morose when we were visiting with my family and comment that she appreciated how well we were all doing (She and I, my brother, and my parents) but that it made her sad how hard her family works yet struggles.   I had to  be careful to listen, recognize her sadness on the topic, and then let her work up to the realization that their problem is their choices. Not hard work.  Bad decisions on purchases, bad decisions on investments, bad decisions on industries to work in, and most impactful, not pursuing education or skilled trades, staying with a shit employer making nothing when there are far easier and more lucrative roles and employers, etc... 

It is sad that the ones who do well in these types of families often are treated as the black sheep while the rest of a clan continues to go down the generational failure path and never learn from their own experience, much less the experiences of their forebears.

Also interesting with my IL clan.  They never ask us for help or bail outs. They scam money from each other.  Anything from not repaying loans, stealing, lifing cash from purses, scamming credit card numbers, etc... No one ever holds each other accountable for the criminal bullshit.  IT is always the facade of a close family and "but I can't press charges, they are family" idiocy.  Fortunarely for us, they learned early that though we would help, it would be on our terms rather than theirs and if they ever stole from us, we would have them arrested and prosecuted to the fullest extent we could facilitate.  My DW never lets her purse out of her own hands when with her family.  She purposely carries a cross body bag and keeps it on her, or... locks it in the trunk of her car.  

MissK03's picture

"The challenge is, can the kid keep the pathetic parent in their place and engage in their own best life." 

This is where SS20 fails. He has BMs brain. Both SD and SS18 have pointed this out. SD brought it up today too. He feeds off of her even though he rarely sees her.. We really don't know the capacity of what she's told them. SS20 has admitted that she "fs with his head" to SO.. but he doesn't try to get past it.. if that makes sense. She baby talks all of them and it works on him. He is also behind with emotional maturity but.. he will struggle his whole life with all types of relationships because of BM and just like BM.