m a newbie. This is a verrrry long story, it even comes in parts! So if you can't get through these sort of things, the TLDR is at the bottom of the post.

Backstory on me: 

I married my FH in 2010. Had a child (DS) with him in 2016. FH never believed in discipline so it was no surprise that DS started hitting me when he couldn't get his way when he was at the tender age of 2. Just the mention of having our 2yo sit on timeout caused one hell of an argument which basically ended in me being told "he's just a baby!" and "you're cruel!". Our marriage was never the best in terms of communication. If ever there was something that bothered me and I voiced it, FH would say "oh well"; with drinking nights, however, he could act like a complete a**hole to other people and embarrass the hell out of me and when I would tell him that he should really go apologize to not only other people but myself included, FH would go off to bed and wake up, pretending nothing every happened. Good luck trying to bring up anything from the night before because then he would feed me the whole "oh, that was last night, this is a different day, don't dwell on the past". Anyways, that was the sort of relationship we had so... we split in 2018. Despite his idiocy I co-parent with my ex. He's now gotten on board with discipline, however, not so much in the not-giving-in-to-every-demand department. So, I get together with my current SO in 2020, which includes SS10, whom I've known since about 2017 but have known of since 2011 and here's their backstory. 

SO was in an abusive relationship with SS's BM. She's a person who gets with a guy, starts abusing them verbally, emotionally, physically, then has a kid with them and takes off. She left her first bf, hooked up with some guy down in the states, had a kid with that guy then came back to Canada where she met SO, and had her child from her first relationship live with them. SO got attached to the child, and knew of the second one in the States. During this time, she was doing the regular thing she does, abuse. They got pregnant with SS. SS was born sickly, ended up in the hospital. The mother evidently couldn't handle two children at home...while SO was away at work, the mother would plant the kids infront of the TV and call that parenting... I guess this didn't work after a while so she brought her first back to their dad's and told SO "she isn't even your kid so you're not going to see her again". SO was heartbroken. When SS was 9mo, SO and she had an argument which led to her punching him in the face. He ended it right then and there, but she grabbed SS and took off for a week to god knows where, all the while trying to get SO to chase after her and SS. He didn't bite. So she came crawling back, dropped off SS and took off back to the States. As anyone can imagine, being beaten almost daily, abused incessantly and having your biological child taken away from you , even for a week, lead to a ton of trauma and quite a bit of separation anxiety. When SS was around 3yo, SO tried to go back to college to complete his course; during this time the grandmother wouldn't take the time to bring SS to visit SO, via Facetime or even phone call. SO had 3 months to complete his course, but couldn't, because his mother gave up caring for her grandson because she "wanted to go back to work". SO returns home to raise his son alone in his mother's house. During the next 4 years of this kid's life, SO was depressed and did nothing with SS. He would sleep all day while SS was in school, stay up all night smoking pot. When SS was back from school SO let him play games. This became the norm; games, school, eat, sleep. That's it. Grandparents would come back for a week every two weeks, but that was the extent of any kind of socialization. Then I showed up and turned their lives upside down. SO is a very understanding person and wants to do better, however, he is very stubborn. When I first came around the first thing I noticed was how socially stunted this kid was. His nose was in the game 24/7, from wake-up to bedtime. Any kind of conversation to be had with him had only to do with some sort of game he was playing. At first, I was able to engage because I also enjoy some of the things he plays... but I didn't view them as holy and the absolute center of my universe. There were a few times where I would try to steer SS's conversation into other things such as biking, fishing, hanging out with friends, sports. Nope. No luck. Because he didn't know how to swim, he didn't know how to bike, he didn't even know what fishing was, and he never goes to his friends' place. He never has anyone over. 

Well, one night, when SO and I were just starting to get more into a 'relationship', we decided to send our kids off to their babysitters (great-grandma for SS and grandma for BS). Mine went away just fine, he was happy, excited even, to go stay with his grandma for a night. But SS? Oh. My. God. The biggest pity-party melt-down ever. He cried when he was dropped off. He cried while he was at great-grandma's, which is literally NEXT DOOR across the field, and in the morning, SS called his dad to come pick him up right after breakfast, at 10am. And he had his game to keep him company. This was level 100 separation anxiety. I asked SO if he was always like this and he said not the tears, but yes for the early-morning pick up. I seriously wondered how the hell this guy ever got some adult time for himself. Turns out the only way he could do that was by putting SS infront of a game. Now I see a huge problem, here... So for the next few visits with SO, I sat back and watched. Even while SS was gaming, he was constantly in motion. Fidgeting, jumping from seat to seat. And always, always, forgetting to eat and to even look at the clock. SO was constantly telling SS to take a break from the game for just 15min, which SS would sulk at, and would pace back and forth staring longingly at the game. Suddenly then he would become aware of the clock. He would count down seconds until his 15 minute break was up. And when it was he would literally leap for it. Meal times were absolutely sad. SO would cook, and SS couldn't even stay by himself in the bedroom (which they shared by the way). He would have to come out to the kitchen and game at the table. He would only put it down to eat. Whenever he came home from school, SS would take an hour to do his homework, cry and complain every second of it, and this was only 5 minutes of work. When it was done and corrected, right back onto the game until supper was made. Eat, back on game. It's bath night (yes, bath night, because this kid is too scared to take a shower) and while SS is in the shower, SO is constantly going in and out of the bathroom to 'wash him up'. Like wtf? He's 7! I was bathing myself when I was 5!

I had my suspicions, but I was fairly certain this 7yo child had separation anxiety and ADHD. Slowly, over time, I started pointing little things out such as SS's absolute panic whenever SO left the room. Forget going anywhere without him because it was the end of the world. SO states that that's normal for a child. Ahahaha..no, it's not. Turns out, the time between splitting with his ex and meeting me, SO did not allow SS to go anywhere except great-grandma's. Not even to a friends' house because he 'didn't trust anyone with his kid'. I was absolutely dumbstruck. His excuse? He was afraid his ex would return to the country and try to take off with him again like she did when he was 9mo. I told him straight up that it was absurd that she could even get anywhere near the child in the first place because 1) you never let him go anywhere  2) your child is terrified of talking to anyone, let alone a complete stranger and 3) your ex wouldn't have any idea where your child was because she is not in contact with him in any way. Anyways, what it boils down to is this: SO's separation anxiety created SS's. 

So for the next few months, what with pointing out certain ADHD and anxiety markers, and A LOT of denial, SS was finally sent for an assessment by the school because SS wasn't doing well. Lo and behold: Diagnosis #1 ADHD and Diagnosis #2 Anxiety. We literally read the report together and still SO was in denial. At that point, I knew it was a lot to take in so I left it for later. Now I started pointing things out daily, commenting "do I jump up and down while playing Zelda? Do your nephews?" Denial. When I dropped off my son at his dad's I stated "is he sobbing and clinging to my leg and nearly having a panic attack?" Denial, it's just the way kids are. Well, finally the day comes where grandma kicked SO and SS out of her house because she really doesn't like me. They move next door to great-grandma's. Here, I'm noticing that SS is sleeping in the same bed at his great-grandma.... um.. WHAT?? Gma cooks for him, cleans up after him. So doesn't have to lift a finger. All he has to do is hand the game over to SS and gma takes care of the actual aprenting duties. I stay over for the first time and SS gets up at 7am, comes downstairs right into the bedroom, walks over to where the Switch is on its charger and sneaks out. So while I'm trying to visit with SO, SS is sitting on his game but all the while he is trying in any way to have SO's attention entirely on him. Me and SO are talking, and SS is interrupting. Finally, I've had enough. I get up to leave and SO is confused when I tell him I've had enough of the disrespect. Kids should never be allowed to interrrupt adults when they are talking. Kids should be able to leave their parent alone sometimes, even if it's for just an hour by doing something else, which should've been happening anyway because SS is always on that godforsaken game. I tell him straight up, your 7yo is acting like a freaking 2yo. After a year of knowing these two, I knew for certain I didn't want BS to be around SS because god knows what he would learn off of him. Somehow, SO came around to starting therapy for himself, seeing his doctor about his depression, and teaching SS boundaries, being responsible, and for the love of GOD, doing something OTHER than gaming. That was hell on Earth, trying to explain to a 8yo at this point, that nobody wants to talk about Zelda or Dark Souls all the time, we want to talk about other things before our brains turn to mush. Slowly, we introduced no gaming until after you eat lunch at noon. Off the game between 4 and 6 for supper time and to spend time with people. He can play again from 6 to 730 then it's time to get ready for bed. Oh boy, was it hell. Because he had no game, he would be constantly in the bedroom while SO and I were trying to have some "alone adult time". I remember this one time, we had the door closed during s*xy time and the frickin kid just walks right in, no knocking, nothing. I had a stern talk with SO after that encounter about setting up some desperately needed boundaries, which was "when we want alone time you need to leave us alone. You have grandma to hang out with, your auntie has a pool next door, etc." Then he would go upstairs and sob, like heaving sobs, because his dad told him to go do something else. I'm telling you, this kid has serious issues and I knew if I was going to be with SO (we're crazy about eachother, we better eachother in every way), this kid needs to be taught a great many things. 

I guess I'm going to leave this here for now, since not everyone is going to be able to get through my long stories. Look for a part two, I guess.

TLDR; I split with my FH, who I have a child with, in 2018. Got together with SO in 2020 but have been hanging around with him since 2018. SO and SS have separation anxiety with eachother, SO has trauma from previous relationship. The first two years consisted of SS being diagnosed with anxiety and ADHD, SO starting therapy and antidepressants. SS has a major addiction to games. He would not leave us alone. He would also have to constantly be the center of attention.