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33 year old SD mooching off everyone

MG_PBF's picture

Hi. I'm new, this is my first post. I'm married with 4 SK's and one biological son with DH. Our son is 9, SK's are 29, 31 and a set of 33 year old twins. All female. The youngest 2 are married with kids and are doing fairly well. The twins are not. They dropped out of school at 16 and it's been downhill ever since. DH and I have been married for 17 years. When we met, he had custody of the 2 youngest, his ex had the twins. I really don't know where to begin. The twins lived with us briefly but left because they did not like my DH's rules. This was when they were around 18-19. Since then, my husband has purchased a total of 6 cars between the 2 of them, he's paid for hotel rooms, cell phone bills, work clothes/shoes for jobs that only lasted a month or two at best, gas money, insurance money, etc, etc, etc. One of the twins has 2 kids. A 9 year old (yes, our son is 9 also... pregnant at the same time lol) and a soon to be 2 year old. The 9 year old isn't with her. His paternal grandmother is raising him and she sees him whenever she decides it's convenient. I'm really at the end of my rope. About a year ago, everything came to head and all the people she had been staying with finally got tired of her crap and she had nowhere to go. There was brief talk of her coming here which is a whole other story. My DH ended up buying a camper and we spent Memorial Day weekend setting it up for her and the baby to live in. She has nothing so we bought all the household items, dishes, towels, blankets, etc. I actually talked my DH into printing out a rental agreement for her to sign. One of the conditions was to complete her GED and start working within 3 months or move out. That never happened and DH did not enforce the agreement. The camper is set up at a campground and the rent is $800 a month. The payment on the camper is around $230. She uses her baby as an excuse of why she cannot work. She receives SNAP (assistance with food) so we thought she could probably get assistance with childcare. She says she's applied for it but hasn't heard anything. Guys... I'm just so discouraged. I know my DH is enabling. I know he's hurting and not helping. He refuses to see it that way. He's 55 and in relatively good health but he works a lot... he does HVAC and it's brutal especially in the summer. He had a heart attack in 2015 and that did not seem to phase the two moochers at all. They didn't miss a beat. The other twin has somewhat gotten herself together and she doesn't ask for help as much anymore but this one is just the epitome of laziness. She also seems to be very, very immature for 33. If you spoke to her, you would think you were speaking with a teenager. I just don't know what to do, I've talked to my husband so many times, I've told him how much this is bothering me. I have so much resentment towards her. When holidays or family functions roll around, I don't want to be anywhere near her. It infuriates me. I guess this is more of a venting session than anything, I really don't have anyone else to speak with this about.


Winterglow's picture

Until he realises that he is part of the problem,  nothing will change. The more he bails her out, the more she will expect. How does he think she will manage when he is no longer there?

How are his retirement funds? Are you and your son being deprived because he's giving all his money to his daughter? How do her sisters feel about her getting everything handed to her?

MG_PBF's picture

I've asked that question many times... how will.she manage when he's not around. Or what would she do if you weren't here? He just says, she better be glad I am and that she's my daughter. It's sickening. Her mom and stepdad put up with it for a while before they couldn't take it anymore and asked her to leave. My DH is self employed, we have and HVAC and Refrigeration business with one other employee. He does well but he doesn't have a retirement fund. I've been pressing him on that and he promises to go speak to a financial advisor next week. The other kids express feelings of resentment and frustration but at the same time, we're all pretty numb to it... it's like nothing surprises me anymore. My DH has made lots of empty promises so I really don't believe anything he says anymore in regards to her. 

Winterglow's picture

So he's effectively throwing your joint money away on his daughter? Hell NO!

How's your retirement fund?

Ask him why he doesn't love her enough to teach her to be self-sufficient. 

MG_PBF's picture

I don't have a retirement fund either. I became a stay at home mom when my son was born and I've homeschooled from kindergarten....he is on the spectrum and also has sensory issues. I do all the paperwork for our business. We've built it from the ground up. 

MG_PBF's picture

Yes. We have money in the bank, we have a savings account for our son but yeah in a way, she is sucking us dry because that $1,000 a month could be going into a retirement fund. One good thing is that our home is set to be paid off by next summer and we just paid off his work vehicle. I feel like I can only go so far in what I say because he can get defensive about it. I remember back when they dropped out of school, the other twin asked for money to go to an amusement park. My reaction was no... absolutely not. It's rewarding bad behavior. DH's reaction was... "What kind of Dad would I be if I couldn't even buy my daughter a Carowinds ticket?" I was floored by that and still am.

Rags's picture

Next time she and the baby go somewhere, have the trailer moved to a consignment dealership and sell it.  

Zero tolerance is the way to go.  The baby would be far better off with CPS and in the system than with this toothless scamming moron.

Your DH is setting absolutely the wrong example for his/your young one.


MG_PBF's picture

I agree. I know this is what she needs but I don't ever see it happening. It's definitely a bad example. We have a will, thank God we took care of that...but when we were discussing everything, I asked about the situation with her. He said if something were to happen now, he would want me to continue paying the rent for at least 6 months. I had no words for that. She uses her baby to guilt trip DH and everyone else. She told him he was doing all this for "little man"... it's all so sickening 

MG_PBF's picture

Unfortunately, he's also a deadbeat as is her other child's father. The father of the youngest has 3 other kids that he does not support and as of about 6 months ago, he has completely disappeared...she actually did try to go after him for support but the courts could not track him down. And his family members say they know nothing. 

Rags's picture

No words for that is exactly the right response to him attempting to pawn his failed family Kidult spawn onto you when he is gone.

Nope, in the sad event he keels over, SD-33 is out or can lease the trailer park dirt at her own cost and pitch a tent.  Sell the trailer as soon as the med team turns off DH's life support.

Winterglow's picture

So, realistically, what is SHE doing for the "little man "? Is she at least working?

MG_PBF's picture

No, she's not working. She gets SNAP benefits for food and she will DoorDash occasionally but no... no full time job. She's never had one.

NotMeAnymore's picture

I've talked to my husband so many times, I've told him how much this is bothering me. I have so much resentment towards her.

We are all on the same boat here. Welcome aboard, come here, read, vent, sometimes it's all you can do. Because with these SKids there are solutions many times (some not), maybe harsh, but still solutions, however Bio parents - with weak parenting skills - don't have the guts to execute and they keep prolonging the horrible situations acting out of pure emotions, fear, so-called luv for their hatchlings, and no logic. BPs don't realize that these kids just make everyone's lives miserable...

MG_PBF's picture

Thanks, it felt good to get all that out. As the years have gone by, I recognize that both DH and his ex parent from a place of guilt. They got married super young, when she was pregnant with the twins. Obviously it did not work out and they both went through some struggles, bad choices, etc... so now it feels like they cannot say no to anything or enforce any rules or boundaries. It's been a roller-coaster for sure.

Winterglow's picture

He needs therapy, like yesterday. He is sacrificing his future, his child's future, and his wife's future for a sponger. He's an idiot.

MG_PBF's picture

I can't say that I don't agree with you. It's been mind blowing to say the least. And I'm guilty of thinking it was somehow going to get better. It's still hard to believe at 33 years old, this is still the situation 

Thumper's picture

Hey notmeanymore,,,we are not "all in the same boat" .  Many of us on here,  have husbands who will not put up with that kind of bs.

Just saying.


Aniki-Moderator's picture

No, we are not. Don't lump all of us in that boat, NotMeAnymore. My husband doesn't put up with any BS and his kids often ask for his advice. Two of them no longer have a relationship with BioHo (the egg donor).

StepUltimate's picture

Some uf us kicked the freeloaders OUT and divorced the nightmare. Biggrin

AgedOut's picture

I have no advice but I have to ears to listen, two eyes to read and a shoulder should you need it. Welcome. 

CLove's picture

Vent as much as you need to.

I also recommend reading a bunch here too. You will see how others are dealing with it, as well as much in the way of commonality. Another Member - JRI has a huge enabler problem between her elder DH and 60 plus yr old SDm whose kids wont have much to do with her.

And they also subsidise their SD.

A few ideas to ponder:

1. For all the $$ he gifts SD, he needs to match it in a household bucket account, or better yet a retirement account YEP. He works hard now? See what happens when you expect him to double up.

2. Give her some expectations. Maybe she can help you out? Household stuff because you definiely do NOT want her at all involved in the business.

3. You do nothing more for her. Stop with the Co-enabling.

4. Separate finances as much as you can. Make certain YOU and bio are covered with life insurance and that YOU have retirement account.

Good first post, maybe break it into paragraphs...

MG_PBF's picture

Thank you and thanks for those tips. We do have life insurance. In a lot of ways DH is financially responsible but not when it comes to this situation. 

JRI's picture

I have a similar situation here with SD62 who I think of as The Grifter.  Since her divorce from her DH#2 14 years ago, my DH has been propping her up.  I won't go into all the gruesome details but there were 2 apartments from which she was evicted, car trouble, legal expense, utility bills, misuse of our credit card, on and on.  Then it got worse cuz she moved in here for a year when she made our lives hell with her drug use, theft and craziness.  She did get on disability and has some legitimate health issues all made worse by poor diet and drug use.

I was beside myself, was starting to have stress-related health issues and knew she had to go.   I knew DH would always take care of her, he sounds a lot like your DH.  I realized we'd have to supplement her disability to get her into someplace else.  So, I proposed to DH that I was good with us paying $x monthly but no more.  We agreed to separate finances and he gets a monthly "allowance" out of which he pays her housing cost.  If he chooses to spend more for whatever she can wheedle out of him, that's his business but not one penny more out of the household funds and no use of our charge.

We have those same discussions about "what if he dies", after all, he is 85.  I have made clear to him that I won't be able to continue her support.  Her 3 adult kids all keep their distance from her.  (Last week, she created a scene at her son's workplace and was escorted out by security.).  Frankly, it would be a blessing if she passed before DH.

In a perfect world, DH would wake up, stop supporting her and she would miraculously transform into a self-supporting adult.  Until that day, this is the best I could do:  recognize that he will always respond to her but create a limit so that family funds aren't drained more.

In your case, I'd be concerned about the retirement fund.  I'm 72 and our retirement fund is about half of our income and I thank heavens we have it 

Good luck I know where you're coming from.  It's hard.

MG_PBF's picture

Wow.... you certainly have a lot to deal with. I think in a way I have accepted that it will always be like this.... I really am sort of numb to it all. When I made this post, I barely scratched the surface of everything that's happened. It can make your head spin, which I'm sure you're aware of.

Harry's picture

Your DH set himself up as the ATM of his kids life. It's hard to stop this dysfunctional behavior l. Dysfunctional because the kids are happy with the ATM not having to work at it themselves. If the kids are 33 what means DH is in the 50's. It's reall too late for retirement planning/ funding. You need over a million in 15 years   Or putting away $70,000 a year. 

MG_PBF's picture

DH just turned 55. And yes, you're right. It feels too late but hopefully I can get him to start something. Our home will be paid for by this time next year and we only have one vehicle payment. He's definitely been the ATM for quite sometime and if I'm being honest, I don't see it changing. 

CLove's picture

SD24almost25 calls her dad "just the ATM dad good for money and hugs a few times a year" because I took him away from her somehow (so she can be the victim and he can chase her and try to prove hes not a bad dad)

Luckily sort of that we are NOT rich and there are severe limits as to the handouts husband can make to the skids.