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The cycle...

MeanOleMe's picture

Submitted by MeanOleMe on Fri, 09/04/2009 - 9:04am

Sometimes I feel like the ugly circle will never end. This is how my circle rolls.

SD16 (normally, but also SD14 at times) does something or asks to do something, and DH either nothing, or allows it.

I get mad.

I don't talk to him for a day or two.

We argue for two days, because I am "wrong" and the way he handled it was "right".

I don't talk to him for a day or two.

We talk.

He says he sees my side, and we agree on what is allowed, what isn't allowed, and how it will be handled next time.

The SAME thing happens, and he handles it the SAME way he did last time.

And the cycle continues....

I just get so sick of the same BS over, and over, and over.

I know this isn't an issue with SD16, it is an issue in my marriage. We went to counseling, and it was the SAME thing. He agreed with the counselor, but then couldn't/wouldn't be the "bad" guy when it came down to putting it all into play in the "real" world.

How does the cycle E-N-D?

I know how, but I just don't "want" to do it. I just keep "believing" it will change. "This" time he "means" it. NO HE DOESN'T!!! In fact, he really isn't even making any empty promises it will change anymore, he just isn't saying ANYTHING! It's like if we don't talk about it, it will go away. I will "get over it". I know why he thinks that, because that is what I always do, I get over it, but not really. I just push into the back of my mind (file it away, as I had someone once tell me) until something else happens, and then something's else, and then I explode.

I need to go. I need to show him I am serious!

BUT

I love him. Our son loves him. I love SD14. My son is only 14 months old, and I don't know that I can do it alone. I don't want my son left alone with SD16, and I am very afraid if I leave, and my son goes to visit him, it will happen if I am not there.

I am so torn.

Comments

SMkelly's picture

Submitted by SMkelly on Fri, 09/04/2009 - 11:01am

I was in that same type of cycle up until this week. I figured that the only person who could break the cycle was me. And now, with my newfound attitude, I all ready feel better everyday. I'm not sure what to tell you about your own personal situation, because it's hard to "just let things go" when it is affecting your daily life, routine, schedule - but you have to try to disengage from the dynamics between your DH and the skids. I know it's easier said than done. I battled it for months. I thought "why shouldn't I have some say-so on these matters in my own home?" But the reality was I was fighting a losing battle. There were too many of "them" and only one of me.
I don't know if this helps at all, but know that we are wishing you good luck with your family!

SerendipitySM's picture

Submitted by SerendipitySM on Fri, 09/04/2009 - 12:28pm

I am living the same cycle myself almost verbatim.... I wish I had answers but God knows I don't know what to do in my own situation....

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. - George Carlin

faith2's picture

Submitted by faith2 on Fri, 09/04/2009 - 12:45pm

I AM 1 YEAR INTO THIS AND HAVE BEEN READING MANY WEBSITES AND I'M SINGLE MOM OF 2 GROWN KIDS AND GRANDMOTHER OF 5.I AM GOING THROUGH THIS CUSTODY BATTLE/ DIVORCE. I HAVE BEEN THROUGH THE RINGER WITH HIM AND SOON TO BE EX WIFE AND KID. ALOT OF STUFF I AM READING AND THAT I SEE TELL ME TO NO FURTHER WASTE MY TIME, ENERGY,MONEY TO HELP HIM AS SHE IS NOT HELPING HIM FINANCIALLY. I DID NOT MIND WHEN SHE HAD SS BUT NOW HE IS WITH DAD AND I AM NOT WILLING TO SHARE MY RELATIONSHIP WHIP THERE IS NOTHING REALLY LEFT OF FOR IT ANYMORE. SICK OF BEATING MY HEAD ON HIS BRICK WALL. HE HAS ALSO TAKEN HER BACK 2 TIMES DURING THE LAST 2 YEARS.

SMkelly's picture

Submitted by SMkelly on Fri, 09/04/2009 - 1:00pm

If he has taken her back twice in the last two years, he will probably do it again. In my humble opinion, do not give of yourself, emotionally, or monetarily until he has proven that he is over her for good. By the way, all of us here feel as if we should be wearing "hard hats for the brick walls" almost on a daily basis!!!!

faith2's picture

Submitted by faith2 on Fri, 09/04/2009 - 1:14pm

THANK-YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR REPLY I AM 46 AND I DO HAVE MY OWN PLACE AND AM ESTABLISHED QUITE NICELY I DO BELIEVE IT IS TIME TO RETIRE AND TAKE A NICE VACATION FOR ME

one6ylady's picture

Submitted by one6ylady on Fri, 09/04/2009 - 1:46pm

I'm new here and it posted my message twice, so I edited this one to remove the duplicate content. See my other post.

one6ylady's picture

Submitted by one6ylady on Fri, 09/04/2009 - 1:43pm

You cannot truly begin a successful new relationship unless you have honestly and completely given up the last one. He obviously has not let go of that last relationship yet, so it's more like you're the mistress than the new partner.

You need a partner who truly belongs to/with you, not someone who is simply trying on a new pair of shoes while taking his time figuring out if the old ones are truly ready for the trash heap. Men tend to hold onto the old sentimental items even when they're long since ready for the trash can... remember that!

Good luck!

msheretostay09's picture

Submitted by msheretostay09 on Fri, 09/04/2009 - 1:14pm

Wow, going thru same "cycle" thing. SMKelly said it right -- "you have to try to disengage from the dynamics between your DH and the skids" This is true and hard to do but it has worked for me. So far.

"Sometimes it's best to forget what you want and remember what you deserve."

Shaman29's picture

Submitted by Shaman29 on Fri, 09/04/2009 - 4:11pm

I was in the exact cycle too. I managed to get it broken (for the time being) last winter. We've had our ups and downs.

However I had to make that decision and take the step towards ending my marriage. And I was willing to do it because my health, sanity and job were all suffering because of DH and his little demon child. I had an apartment all picked out, the money saved up to move and the help I needed ready to go. Then I had the sit down with DH and let him know he needed to nut up and be my husband and partner or I was leaving him. I would no longer tolerate having a snarky little 13 y/o brat running MY home.

As hard as that step was to take, I'm glad I did it. Our marriage survived (even if it was on life support for a while), but I'm glad it did or he would have been completely alone when step-demon and UberSkank pulled their little stunts in the spring.

“Be like a duck. Calm on the surface, but always paddling like the dickens underneath.”
Michael Caine