Advise on BF's daughters
My fiance and I have been happily together for 2 years. We moved in together very soon after we started dating. We were living like newlyweds for a year and then his (then 19 y/o) daughter moved in. I was excited in the fact that she and I could develop a relationship, sad in the fact that we were no longer alone (just being honest). She has been living with us since March of this year (6 months). I welcomed her, invited her to have luncheons when Dad was at work, hung out with her and really tried to bond as a friend. I thought everything was OK until she told me that her and her sister (22 y/o away at college) both think that her Dad and I should not be living together. He should be working on his relationship with his daughters and not bringing anyone else into the picture. She told me that she was raised on, 'one on one' time with Daddy. I knew that before she even moved in and I encouraged him to take her to coffee or ice cream, and I never interrupted if they were in a room talking, Not ever! Well apparently that isn't good enough for her. When Dad had money, (going through BK now)he used to take each girl on a 3/4 day trip somewhere in the US. He now plans local things with them instead. They think I am at fault for that. He and I have been on 1 trip to socal and I paid for 75% of it. She said she likes that I make him happy, but she doesn't like his attention on me all the time. I am at a loss. She feels as though he is choosing me over her and her sister but I see that he is just trying to bring us all together because I am going to be a part of his life now. He has also told me that when he was single he had a hard time getting them to hang out with him because of their social calendars. He knew the time would soon come when they would start families of their own and he would no longer be their #1. Now that he is happy, it seems they are mad that he isn't sitting around waiting for a call from them. There are times when I feel very sad, because she is a sweet girl, but I cant help but feel there is some selfishness going on here. Am I the one who is being selfish? I don't know his 22 y/o very well as she lives 6 hours away. I can say that her Dad bought 4 tickets to a ball game for me, him, her and her boyfriend to go and she refused saying that they needed Daddy/daughter time. I was totally cool with that knowing she lives far away and when she comes to visit here a few days, she usually only has time to come over for dinner because other things going on here in her hometown (where her boyfriend lives). We try to drive there once a month for a few days to visit, and stay the night with her. (where she makes us sleep in seperate rooms because we are not married) I guess I feel terrible because the more I talk about it, the more angry I get and I really DON'T want to be angry. can someone suggest a book or offer their POV? Thanks much
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(where she makes us sleep in
(where she makes us sleep in seperate rooms because we are not married)
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Her house her rule…BUT good grief!!! I assume she is still a virgin and must be very religious. If that is the case, then ok, but I still would not stay there.
It sounds like she is making you sleep in separate rooms because she is a little turd. I can’t believe your DH has not set this straight.
I say…still go see her, but stay in a motel for crying out loud!! Your DH needs to take a stand. These girls are playing a very dangerous game and your DH is the only one that can stop it.
So because the dad had
So because the dad had children with a person he didn't stay with, that father is doomed to a life of loneliness??? How selfishly pathetic.
Matchmadejns- Try to stay
Matchmadejns- Try to stay calm and in control. There could be 2 things going on here.
1. The SD is saying these things to get under your skin and cause a rift between you and her father, and make him choose.
OR... and this is the one I believe...
2. The SD is trying to work things out in her own head and could be very well be telling you the truth of her feelings, but not quite understanding how selfish she truly sounds.
The reason I vote for # 2 is because this is exactly the kind of conversation I have had over here with SD 16 (stb 17). She didn't like me at first and then did come to live with us, but still had to adjust to "sharing her daddy". I have been very blunt in the past with SD so I literally have said to her "He's your father, not your boyfriend!" but I don't suggest you use that approach.
I think that at 19 and 22, the SD's are old enough to understand what their words and emotions sound like. I like what Skylark said above, but I would soften the blow. For example, when SD 19 says that to you, I think I would gently remind her that she and her sister will always be "daddy's girls", but that they are also growing up and getting their own lives. I also would point out to them - gently again - how they treat and view their boyfriends and the comfort and relationship with those men versus what they get from their father.
They are acting on emotion,not logic. How you handle and respond to this will make a world of difference. Stake your claim, up the ante, show jealousy or fear and things will go downhill fast. Proceed with compassion, caution and RESPECT - and I think you will go further.
And the major major point - is that DADDY HAS TO HAVE A TALK WITH HIS GIRLS FIRST. And he is to let them know that they are growing up and it is time to grow up, and that he has a life too. Daughter does not get to tell Dad that he can't sleep with his girlfriend. That's not how that relationship works. He needs to get that under control FAST.
PS - I can completely and
PS - I can completely and utterly disagree with a person's feelings or objectives, but I can disagree with them with respect. Showing respect to SD's feelings does not mean you are giving up to them.
The older one is no Miss.
The older one is no Miss. innocent, has her boyfriend stay with her whenever he can drive to visit and she stays at his house when she visits home. I think it is a control issue with her. There was one time in particular that we were visiting the same time as her boyfriend and she made me sleep in her room and her Dad and boyfriend sleep on air matress and couch in the familyroom. I told him how crazy it was that we were all 'pretending' we don't normally sleep together. The younger one was living with her Mom but they fight all the time so she moved in with us. She needs to be living at home because she is a full time student and works part time. Dad pays for her college. She is Miss. Innocent and is very religious, but she chose to move in with us knowing full well taht we keep the same bedroom. He is also getting fed up but loves them very much and never stands up for himself. It tends to drive me crazy at times, though he is getting a little better. He said he thinks it stems from them being upset that they were not part of our dating process. They told him they were mad because they felt they had a right to be a part of that because he made them introduce every boy they dated in high school to him. Hello....he is over 40 years old!!
I like Stick's take on this.
I like Stick's take on this. My SD was similar, although not as rude as yours. But she definitely did not want her Daddy to be with me. She's a fixer and organizer and knows what is Right (capital R), and it wasn't HER plan that her dad and I dated/fell in love/got married. She just KNEW in her own head that the only reason he could POSSIBLY want to marry me was so that he wouldn't be alone.
Happily I was able to stay out of it and my DH basically told her that it wasn't her decision, that he wanted to be with me because he loves me. And he also loves her but she needed her own life, not one taking care of her dad. To my SD's credit, she has worked VERY hard to accept this, and we've had no problems. Zero. In fact she and her 3-year-old came to visit a month ago and we had a great time.
I like Stick's advise too.
I like Stick's advise too. Thanks so much. Maybe I just needed to vent to people that don't know me and wouldn't be one sided
Hello people - we are talking
Hello people - we are talking about 2 adult girls here - Matchmadejns - your 19 year old lives with you so she can see daddy all the time - if I were you I would not make sure she has time with him - would she still be doing this if he was married to her mother - hell no and if she did I am sure she would get an ear full. Yeah yeah yeah so her parents got divorce - boohoo - you are 19 grow up and become the adult you should be.
The more I am reading about SD's and their BF's I am so glad my skid is a boy - she is happy that you make him happy but wants him to pay her more attention - this is where the problems lie in the country today - I would have DH tell her that I helped raise you now it is MY TIME!!!
And as far as taking them on trips - when are they going to start to want to go with their friends and boyfriends - when I was little I loved going places with my parents but once I graduated that all ended - I bet half of these daughter would love to take their daddies on Spring Break with them if they could.
I know I am probably going to get flamed for writing all of this but the entitlement I see from these supposed "adults" is driving me nuts. If my SS in 2 years tries to pull any of this crap he will be in for a rude awakening. The first 18 years of a child's life is to prepare them to be an adult. After that take what you learned and go LIVE.
My ex-husband was a complete a-hole to anyone his mother tried to date - now she is 60 with terminal cancer and alone in her apartment at night. Do these kids actually think that because they are starting their life that daddy should be ending his - Your DH needs to stand up to her when she says she wants to build their relationship - it should have already been built and because he probably listened to them for how ever long he was single and had no relationship with any woman he created these monsters.
Also when you go to see SD22 I would stay in a hotel - I will say before I married my husband and I was 36 and he was 46 if we went to visit my mom we had to sleep in different rooms - but this is a different situation and I don't think it is because she is a prude she just wants to be in control. I also like how when she comes to visit she wants daddy all to herself but barely sees him because she is out with her boyfriend and friends - so it is not because she wants to have alone time with him - she wants him to have no time with you.
I am not trying to be harsh and not aiming this at you - I am just so sick of these skid especially daughters thinking only of themselves and not their parents happiness. Good luck in all of this and i am sure you will be writing much more as the wedding date gets closer - praying for you.
A.Deville - Here's the
A.Deville - Here's the thing... You can always get bitchy and take a stand once being compassionate fails. But if she goes in guns a blazin - she will not only alienate those 2 girls, but she takes the HUGE chance of alienating her boyfriend, who won't appreciate that stance, and will expect more of her.
Even though she's right - he won't care if she handles it wrong. And more than anything - he needs to lay that groundwork as well.
I think the girls have
I think the girls have already alienated her - now that they are adults they can do that. Also if her finance is going to pick his daughters over his soon to be wife then she needs to know this now so she can decide if she wants to be in this relationship. He is not laying the groundwork and that is not fair to the OP - there has to be a point where your spouse comes first - Lucky for me DH sees that now and I didn't have to wait for SS to become an adult - this was clear right up front.
She's actually 20 now. I
She's actually 20 now. I don't understand it either. His daughters act very selfish and without concern to their father's needs or happiness.
I read this blog...and then I
I read this blog...and then I started reading the comments and until I hit caregiver's comments and on - I thought I was the one who was nuts for thinking:
1. You are adults - you can sleep in the same room. Who cares how his 19 year old daughter and the other one feels? Seriously? We can look at it two ways - they are the children (or adult children) and they do not own the house.
2. When you go see the other daughter - you two NEED to stay in a hotel. You need to let these girls know they cannot separate you.
3. I am pretty sure it goes like this...the man and woman have children (or stepkids together.) they help them grow...take care of them...they set them free and out into the world to start their own families - the man and woman are left for eachother...companionship...
you BF needs this to be drilled into his head...yeah they are his daughters they can have SOME father/daughter time like lunch or something but they are not his boss - it is the other way around - and the 19 year old needs to understand she is in HIS house - it is NOT her house - it's his...he pays the bills. If she doesnt like that you share the same bed - she can move out.