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thinking about moving and becoming a step mom - should i do it?

marysayed's picture

im a 26 y/o female, never been married, and do not have kids - I live in toronto.  My boyfriend is 35, was married for 10 years and has two daughters, 11 and 6 - he lives in vancouver (4 hour flight away from toronto), we met online.  weve been dating for 6 months now and we get along great.  we have a great connection and really enjoy spending time together. we've travelled together already and see eachother about once a month, mostly me going there. I've never really met anyone i get along with this well, overall i feel really peaceful with him.  I met his kids twice now. both times were pretty overwhelming. they are needy kids in the sense that they want their dads attention alot, and dont like to do things really alone - they want their dad involved in everything. he carries a sense of guilt because of the divorce so tries to give the kids all the attention and love and care that they could possibly get, which makes them a little spoiled. the 11 year old is very close with the BM and often goes back and tells her everything that happens at her dads house with me (where we sleep, what we did). they sulk often when they dont get what they want and overall dont seem like grateful kids (but ive never had kids so maybe this is normal).

Since I met the kids, the BM has been acting out - telling the kids lies about me, and saying disrespecful things about me to him. she showed jealousy and immaturity and still tries to talk to his family and keep her hand in his life (shes already married btw) she now has began trying to get the kids to be agaisnt their father and more closer to her (saying bad things about dad infront of the kids and abot me) his has caused tension in our relationship because hes stressed itll ruin the relationship with his daughters and wants to give them even more attention. 

Im thinking about moving there soon, but have hesitations. Im social and like to do things and go out and do 'relationship' stuff. would this be realistic in this situation with step kids. Also, i do struggle with not having his attention all the time. when were alone, i enjoy it sooo much we have so much fun together. but when the kids are there, i almost feel like i fade to the background, or just another person. my wants and needs are defeintly over powered by their wants and needs during the days he has them.. i'm not sure if i can handle being a step mom but i see true value in who he is and not sure if thats enough?

marysayed's picture

forgot to add - he has them Wednesday to Saturday afternoon. so 3 nights a week, soon to be 4 nights a week in September.

StrawberryPie's picture

Girl, RUN!!!  Listen to the people on this board.  They give good advice.  RUN RUN RUN!!!!!

(For the other posters - a little shout out to SayNo!)

Siemprematahari's picture

Im thinking about moving there soon, but have hesitations.

Please on everything you love follow your instincts. You have hesitation for a reason and are valid in them. He parents out of guilt which is such a huge red flag and has an X that is already starting problems. Is he even addressing that and the behavior of his daughters? For you to uproot and move from your support and all that you know with these red flags is not a good idea. You can continue dating him from a distance and see if things improve but honey once you move in you'll be in for a horrific ride. Take heed don't deny your gut feelings on this.

tog redux's picture

If you move, get your own place and date locally for a while before you make any decisions.  Long-distance relationships aren't really the same. 

Kes's picture

Your middle paragraph, the one beginning, "the BM has been acting out...." could have been written by me, back in 2002, aside from the fact that NPD BM didn't get a boyfriend till the following year.   Four nights a week is a LOT of time to have your SKIDs present in the house if you don't get on with them.  It worked out ok for me in the end, but I had 10+ years of hell before I got to that point.  IMHO, I wouldn't move in.  Maybe move to his town and have your own place there, see how things pan out. 

MaryJ's picture

Save yourself and your sanity, you are used to your life and lifestyle; do not sacrifice it for little people who will never appreciate what you are bringing to the table.

With daddy everything is free game, move in and your things will become community property.

Don't do it!

Harry's picture

And you are not living there.  It’s only going to get worst if you move in.  When all of you are together who decided on what you do.  You, BF. You and BF. Or the SK.  What you watch on TV,  where you go out to eat. Who has control???

marysayed's picture

when im there its only for 4-5 days at a time - so he tries to make what i want to do a priority. but i know if i wanted to do something or watch something or go to eat somewhere the kids were COMPLETLY against, then we would choose to do or go somewhere else. For the most part im easy going and fair and try to suggest things that everyone would be down to do. 

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Six months isn't NEARLY enough time to get to know someone who lives down the street, much less someone online. At this point, you're both still on your best behavior, and you have no idea what heartache being with him would cause you.

You are single, childfree, and self supporting. You are a catch, girl!. So why would you want to settle for a relationship where you make all of the sacrifices and he gets all of the benefits? Where you'll be expected to put up with his bratty kids, and endure his High Conflict ex who will be dripping poison into her bios' ears and teaching them to hate you?

It sounds like you have a great life and great friends in Toronto, so why give that up to move to a different city where you'll be expected to become an Instamom and spend Friday nights at home cleaning up after someone else's brats while listening to some crap blaring on the Disney channel?

You and this man are at very different places in life, and you are out of his league. If you want a family, find a nice childless Toronto guy and create one of your own instead of trying to fit into someone else's.

marysayed's picture

thank you for your advice.. it's been really hard to make this desicion as everyone around me doesn't really have much experience with this. he is truly a really great guy with a great heart, and that is what keeps me going to try to make this work. I value the connection we have and understand its not everyday you find someone who feels like your best friend. I just contemplate is that worth what he comes with?

Exjuliemccoy's picture

You are wise to take time with this decision and to seek advice from multiple sources. Here on ST, you'll get the truth straight with no chaser.

He may indeed be a wonderful guy, but the cold hard reality is, he is part of a package deal. That package includes his kids, ex, friends, and family of origin. And don't get me started on the financial strain most divorced fathers struggle with. You must vet the dynamic as a whole, because you can't separate him from his baggage. 

No way would I give up so much to gamble on such a poor hand of cards. Vancouver is a wonderful city (expensive, but most great cities are), and if you have a well-paying job opportunity there, it might be worth giving up your fab Toronto life. But dont throw away all that you have and are for a man, and don't move in with him. Opt for a looong, slow, romantic courtship, and continue to vet him hard, because on paper this guy would make most women run.

 

how2step's picture

I was thinking the same thing about family or origin. If the mother in law is toxic good luck making that marriage work. I've seen mother in laws single handedly destroy marriages with their manipulative behaviors. Usually their grown kids have a divorce or two under their belts and struggle with relationships.

caitlinj's picture

Please keep in mind you don't know someone until you've lived with them for at least a year. My ex and I met under similar circumstances as you did (online, long distance). We did a lot of travelling and dates together which were fantastic. We had talked to one another online for several months before meeting and I was convinced I had met my soulmate. Fastforward to 5 years later and we are no longer together. He turned out to be verbally and emotionally abusive and unfaithful. His mask did not slip until we were living together for nearly a year. I had discovered he was talking to several other women online and had an inappropriate relaitonship with his ex still which he very carefully hid from me yet I still stayed with him. MIstake number one on my part. He got very angry for confronting him. It also did not help matters that his children, who were very nice and great to me in the beginning, became the complete opposite towards me when they got a little older. I never did enough for them and nothing was ever good enough for them. Suddenly they turned on me because they wanted their dad to themselves once they got older and realized I was there for good. His kids would spy on me, make up stories about me, and cause problems between the two of us and he would always side with them. This really hurt me as I was nothing but nice to his kids and so much of me tried my very best to please them. They also became brats because I was not allowed to discipline them and he rarely did. This caused major problems in our relationship. Before you move do your homework. Get to know his back story(and not just the verison he is telling you), his ex, spend plenty of time with his kids and his family, and I'm not just talking a week or two here or there, I'm talking about being around his kids every single day for months at a time. Do his kids live with him? Get to know his financial situation. Does he have any debt? Red flag number 1. It sounds like he is looking for a full time sitter and free nanny with benefits. You are at the age where you can find a childless man. If you like older men there are older childless men or older men with grown children.  Do not waste your life. Stepmom life is horrible. You may not thinking it now because you are in the honeymoon stage but you will a few years down the road. Trust me. Been there done that. His kids will make or break your relationship and the vast majority of the time it is break judging by the divorce rate of second marriages and marriages with children from previous relaitonships. Also there is a reason why these people are divorced. Many are abusive but hide it very very well in the beginning. Many are bipolar or have mental health issues they hide very well as well. Many are unfaithful or lack boundaries with the opposite sex. Talk to his ex and find out the real story.

Merry's picture

Please listen to the good advice and experiences here. Don’t do this. 

My DH and I had a long distance relationship. I spent time with him, he spent time we me, and we traveled together. We waited to marry until our kids were out of high school. 

There was STILL major difficulty with his grown ass kids when we married. I wouldn’t wish it on anybody. 

If you won’t take our advice because your guy is just so awesome (group gag here from long-time members), get your own place and your own job and date a whole lot longer. 

Let us know what you decide. 

markwvualum's picture

My advice to you is if you decide to move for him, is to get your own place, job, etc. so if things do not work out you are not stuck. It is also so you can get to know his kids, him and his overall situation a lot better. 6 months is way too soon to be moving that far for someone. His kids ages are at the age where they are going to be very needy and once you do move in and they see you are a permanenet fixture in daddy's life prepare for them to do a 180 and make your life h$ll. Steplife isn't for the faint of heart, Also why is he divorced? What is his financial situation like? What is the situation with the ex like? You might want to seriously look into these things.

marysayed's picture

thank you for your advice, all of this is extremely helpful. hes divorced because his ex had an affair..they got married young and sounded like a loveless marriage where they both stuck around just for the kids - he ended it with her.  Fiancially, he makes close to 100k a year but has little savings and does not own his own house currently, but no debt. before i was in the picture, theyre relationship seemed cordial, but she texted him very often about every little thing about the kids down to if they didnt tie their shoe laces. when i came into the picture, i requested way more boundaries in their communication and that she needs to learn to problem solve on her own. when he put those boundaries with his ex, she freaked and has been very agressive/ miniuplative since (trying to connect with his family, threatning him with the kids, saying slander about me)

markwvualum's picture

Have you talked to the ex and know for a fact that she had the affair? If so what led up to the affair? Or is this just what he told you?Also the drama you are seeing from his ex now is just a taste of what foreshadows your future with him. Also 100k a year with no savings seems very odd and suspect.

marysayed's picture

I know for a fact as i saw emails from them back and forth during their divorce of her apologizing for cheating.  I have not talked to her yet, but would like to if i were to move there but shes crazy. she kept calling me a prositute to him and telling the kids im the reason why her and their dad dont talk anymore and why all these problems are happening. 

still learning's picture

i saw emails from them back and forth during their divorce of her apologizing for cheating. 

You've only known this guy for 6 months, barely see him, yet you've already plunged into the messy divorce emails of the past? Yuck! As a reference, DH and I have been married over 7 years and I have never shared the messy emails from ex's past. I have nothing to prove and don't want to resurrect that bad energy. I've never asked to see personal communications between DH and his ex when they were divorcing. This may be a small point but it seems a bit weird to me.  The two of you are supposed to be in the honeymoon phase of dating, yet here you are picking up after his kids and embroiled in all his drama.  

It's apparent that you believe everything he says and are completely on his side, but as a veteran divorcee I can tell you there are always two sides. Loveless marriage...Ha! That's the biggest line men use to deflect any responsibility and reel poor unsuspecting women in. 

I can only hope you have the sense to make wise decisions with your life and put yourself first. This man will never put you first, his priorities will be:

  • Himself
  • His kids
  • His drama with his ex
  • work
  • friends
  • maybe you

This man is older than you, has already crashed and burned a marriage, is supposedly financially stable, he does not need rescuing. Like most young gulliable women you have to make your own mistakes. You've been warned! Good luck.  

SteppedOut's picture

Yea, I agree. Sharing the divorce emails? Why? "To prove it was her fault"? That is childish at best. 

 

how2step's picture

If he has no savings what will happen if he loses his job? My guess is that's where you come into play. Be very careful.

smom1990's picture

Seriously we are living the same life (read my new post). My husbands ex cheated on him multiple times and he left her as well. I put boundaries into place and it’s resukted in her blaming me to anyone who will listen about the current state of their relationship (shitty). Please think long and hard before you commit yourself to this man, because you will also be committing yourself to a life with his ex around as well. 

TheBrightSide's picture

Hey Ms Mary, next time you book a flight from Toronto to Vancouver, find a flight with a stop-over in Calgary.

Then get off the plane in Calgary and walk toward "Arrivals". 

Its an awesome airport, its been renovated and everything. 

Anyhoo, go to Arrivals and look for a petite brunette (Me). 

 

Then stand still while I knock some GD sense into you.

Then we'll go out for some cocktails.

Smile

megansider's picture

He's 35, has two kids and is divorced. You are 26 and childfree. Do you think he may be taking advantage of you because you are young and naive? Stepmom life is horrible. I know from experience and was once in your shoes. Everything was great the first couple of years then it all went south. Once the honeymoon stage is over and you have been around his kids for several years come back on here and let us know how happy you are. Something to also keep in mind is the majority of these dads are broke and need someone to help them out.  They also need someone to help them with their kids. Don't say we didn't warn you. Looking back these men are so selfish. They really should not be looking for a serious relationship when their kids are that age. Instead looking to hire a nanny and looking for a second/better job for themselves. If they have any free time they should be looking to date casually only. However expecting someone to move in with them and take care of their kids is just selfish. It isn't fair to the kids either.

marysayed's picture

he always tells me, you wont have to do anything for the kids i'll have all the cooking and cleaning covered. but in reality when im there and they drop their sweater, i pick it up and put in their room. when theyre hungry, and dads taking a nap, i find them a snack. but he tells me you dont have to  ill have it all covered, i just dont know if hes being realistic.  he does handle a majority of the responsbility, which isnt what im too worried about, its just all the time and attention they need on top of logistical responsbilities

ndc's picture

The problem with this is that many of us have a higher threshold for cleanliness and behavior than these guilty dads have.  So you may have reached your boiling point long  before he feels the need to pick things up or discipline his kids.

 

how2step's picture

Exactly. In my situation it wasn't so much the cleanliness but their behavior. Sorry but I don't think kids should be interupting adults constantly, ordering adults around, talking back to adults and never saying please or thank you unless always having to be reminded. I also do not think talking back to adults is funny or cute. I also do not think kids should get complete control of all of the tvs in the house and make decisions about what we are having for dinner constantly.

Cover1W's picture

*shaking head* 

And you will end up being the cook, maid and laundress. I went in like you are thinking of doing.. whoo boy it was not what I expected but I also was much older, and didn't move for him. I was also strong enough to say no and after 1.5 years threatened to move out if things didn't change. AND I also found this site and FOLLOWED the advice here.

1. Don't move for this situation!

2. If you do, get your OWN place!

That's it 

thinkthrice's picture

old chestnut before

Stop

ndc's picture

With what you've described, I would only move to Vancouver if I wouldn't be leaving my friends and family behind, if I had a comparable job in Vancouver, if I truly liked the Vancouver area, if I would be able to easily return to Toronto with good job prospects if things in Vancouver didn't work out, if this guy is 100% financially stable and easily able to support himself, his kids, pay his CS, etc., if I thought this guy was the second coming of Christ, and if I'd be getting my own place where I could live while I got to know this man and his kids.  Because in 6 months of long distance dating, you don't really know them.  And because the red flags are there.  Needy kids, guilty dad, crazy BM.  

how2step's picture

Yep plenty of red flags.  That is what I was thinking. Needy kids, crazy BM with drama, guilty dad syndorme, he has already introduced her to his kids (red flag, most people think this is cute and makes them special when the reality is it is very unhealthy for the kids and everyone involved), says he makes 100k yet has no savings and house is not paid for.......yeah red flags everywhere.

Aniki-Moderator's picture

RUN!!! Run like you're being chased by Freddy Krueger AND Michael Myers AND Pennywise.

You are too young to have to deal with aaaaaall of this BS and baggage. 

georgina29's picture

He’s too old for you. That being said if you have a thing for older men you can always find one who has their life together, has plenty of savings and whose kids are grown and out of the house (if hey have kids). This guy is a loser and is looking for someone to help him. Don’t fall for it.

ashes54's picture

Wow there's so many comments already! 

Long answer short, no. Don't do it.

Long distance relationships are hard, but you are only seeing a small sliver of what reality you will experience if you move and make this your new life. You are already experiencing issues with BM and skids and BF feeling guilty for his kids being upset of you, and you are hardly there. Imagine once you move there, or even better move in. It seems unusual for these SM/SKid situations improving over time, and from what you've posted it seems that there are all the interworkings for this to be a living nightmare with jealous kids, disruptive BM, and guilt ridden so he spoils dad.

I agree with some of the other comments, if you do decide to move, get your own place and date while living in the same city and being able to see each other more often and really see what life with this person may look like. Have real conversations with him about your concerns. I think his guilt parenting is a pretty big issue and the fact he is allowing his children to control that situation and his actions isn't good either.

daphne_40x's picture

And I think most if not all of us are saying don't do it.  You are young.  Love is not enough.  You should find a man closer to your age that you can have babies with, that has no ex lurking and kids.  If the ex is annoying now, it only gets worse.  

My ex love bombed me, and treated me like a princess.  He said he knew he'd have to be perfect in order to make up for the drama with a borderline ex wife and spoiled kids.  He ended up treating me like crap and I realized I had made a huge mistake.  I'm not 26, so I can't exclude every man that has kids.  But if I were 26, I wouldn't even consider one.

My ex also promised to clean up and cook for the kids.  That changed relatively quickly.  Even though I was the bigger breadwinner and worked a lot more than him, he would leave the house a pigsty and take the kids out for fun while I stayed in teh house all weekend cleaning up after them. 

There are a lot of other men closer to your age that don't have this baggage.  This isn't just not ideal.  You would be signing up to become bitter from being treated like sh***.  I have seen very few women on here that did their best to be a great stepmom that don't have scars and a lot of them have left their significant others.

Your situation has a very low success rate for real long term happiness.  Don't throw your best years away on that.

Winterglow's picture

OK, from the top:

  • His kids are spoiled and needy
  • They want all his attention all the time
  • He "parents" from guilt
  • He's a Disney dad,
  • The daughter tattles to her mother
  • The bm is crazy
  • The kids get to make all the decision
  • You are forced to take a back seat whenthe kids are there.

And that's just for starters. He told you you wouldn't ever hae to take care of the kids yet he went for a nap when they were there because he knew you would take up the slack. That was just a glimpse of what life will be like once the trap closes on you if you move in with him. You are young, single, child-free and happy - how does his offer weigh up against that?

 

flmomma08's picture

I can't give you a bigger NO!! You're young, never married, and no kids?? Surely you can do better than this! I promise you will regret it if you move to be with this guy.

Rags's picture

Not only no, but hell no.  He has already demonstrated that he is not all in, nor is he making you or the relationship his priority.  You travel to see him on the monthly schedule, "mostly".  A true demonstration of prioritizing you and the relationship would be him managing his kid/XW schedule effectively and doing most of the travel to see you.

I get the tingly feelings of new love, the excitement of not seeing each other regularly, etc, etc, etc.... That is not the foundation for a vialble long term equity life partnership.

Gain clarity, do not give up your life and move. Make him do it if you insist on moving forward with this relationship.

Good luck.

marysayed's picture

Thanks everyone for your advice. its been really hard for me to cut my ties with him - but im starting to bring up some of my concerns and what i would need to feel happy and secure in this type of environment. He feels that he is doing all that he could to give me the attention or priority and states he has nothing else left to give. he doesnt like when i say ' i just want to spend time with you' because of the alone time i want with him. i stated if im going to be moving there and living on my own, i would need us to try to focus on our relationship in order to feel adjusted, but he said that just sounds like me asking to pick his kids over me.  his ex wife has been using the kids to get closer to her, which has alarm bells ringing in his head so hes trying to focus more on the relationship he has with them. 

hereiam's picture

so hes trying to focus more on the relationship he has with them

Well, he's telling you what his plan is so believe him, but he should not expect you to uproot yourself so that he can focus on his kids and you can... what? Just deal with it?

It's not the right time for him to be in a relationship, if he cannot balance that with being a father.

You are young. Go live your life. Have fun. Find a man who doesn't have so much baggage. They are out there.

flmomma08's picture

Well, he told you he is not going to make you a priority and is not able to give you what you want/need. Consider yourself lucky that you know this ahead of time. I wish I could go back in time and know this. I would have run for the hills.

ndc's picture

This makes your decision so much easier. He's telling you he is not going to change and you will need to make all the compromises. What he can offer you isn't worth it.  If it were me, I'd end the relationship. It's not going anywhere good.

Pinkleton's picture

i didn't even read your whole post, but i came to this website to say GOODBYE. 

I got married and became a stepmom barely a year ago.. i am now going to be filing for divorce.. not just because of stepfamily life but its a factor for sure, but I will say that i will NEVER enter stepfamily life again. EVER. 

Rags's picture

Keep in mind that you just eliminated a massive % of the dating pool.  Life partnership is not about Skids. It is about the partners.

There are men out there that have kids that also get it. They may be the proverbial unicorn, but they are out there.

Be good to you.

Enjoy your life.

Dovina's picture

Reread all of these replies until they are imprinted in your memory!

You are 26! You shouldnt be worried that the man of your dreams is catering to a crazy ex and his kids....you should be casually dating single men whose biggest worry is what concert to go to next. Surely your family and friends are not loving this for you? Listen to this advice and dont ruin your life for someone else who will put you second.

 

marysayed's picture

My family is extremely agaisnt this whole situation, and feel that i would be just 'settling' if i end up with this guy. I fought for it because i saw alot of value in who he was as a person, but they feel strongly about the fact that whatever happiness im feeling now is short term, and that the situation cannot sustain long-term happiness. but i feel like i've never met anyone like him and had chemistry or cared about someone the way i do for him so it makes it difficult..

Rags's picture

You are the one who has to be happy.  Just keep in mind that  your family has your best interests in mind.  They may not be objective, but they in all liklihood do want the best for you.

My family loved my XW.  None of us saw what she was under the venier she presented.  We were all shocked by what she turned out to be. We were all shocked by what her family turned out to be.

Rescue projects rarely succeed when it comes to relationships.  At least in my experience.

Take care of you.

still learning's picture

You keep arguing for your position and how much you love him and how great the sex, I mean chemistry is, so go for it. Make your own mistakes. What does your family or an entire board of women who've been there, done that know?  Maybe you're special and will defy the odds. Perhaps love and hormones will conquer all this time. Leave your life, give up everything for this man and his kid and prove your family and us wrong.  

Dizzyjell's picture

I joined just to comment to you. Listen up and listen well: do not move in with this man. Your life as you know it will be over. The post someone made up thread about the order of his priorities with you on the bottom is completely accurate. Not only is there 1 s, there are 2 and... the icing on top, a CRAZY EX who is calling you a prostitute.  This is what your life will be. What everyone described.  I wish I never moved in. Run like the wind is on your back. Save yourself from this hell. My grandma always told me never to get involved with a man with kids and I was too stupid not to listen. She knew all too well after being a stepmom herself. Sage words. All the folks here are telling you the truth. It is a shitty existence. You will never get to experience the major life firsts with him, will always be a last priority, will come to hate living with the kids he shares with someone else, will hate the influence his ex has over his time, schedule, finances, your home, their schedule with their kids will trump your home's schedule every single time/day, even when you can take vacation will take a backseat to their schedule, the messes, you will resent cleaning up after them and all of this will affect your life and you will be expected to just take it. You, the one without the kids, will make all the major sacrifices to be a bystander in someone else's life and former family.  Their drama and choices will directly affect your life and add negativity to it. The adverse impact it will have is endless. Just say no. 

smom1990's picture

Ummmm...are we the same person?!?! I did the exact same thing 5 years ago now. Moved from Ontario to Alberta for a man with two boys. We’ve since gotten married and I am currently pregnant with our first child together. So...our relationship is great, but PLEASE consider all the potential stressors and what you are giving up before making any decisions. I struggle daily with having left my family and friends behind and feel alone here a lot of the time. His ex wife gives me constant grief and the boys drive me absolutely insane. It’s not that they are even bad kids, they’re actually pretty great. But, the moving across the country scenario you’re considering now and that I did 5 years ago is a breeding ground for resentment. I hate it when they are here, and feel like I can’t relax in my own home. I try to nap (remember...pregnant and so tired right now) and they are constantly knocking on my door waking me up, asking questions that every 13 and 14 year old should know the answer to (this morning - “do I set the burner to hot to boil water?”) and demanding attention constantly. The 13 year old acts more like a 7 year old making annoying noises endlessly, chewing with his mouth wide open, pouting when he doesn’t get his way... Again, I love my relationship but I’d be lying if I said it was easy and that I hadn’t had thoughts about how much more...free...I would be had I not moved for a man with kids. Please think carefully. 

Doublehelix's picture

I would not move until you and your bf have been together a long time and he clearly demonstrated that he was someone you could count on, treated you well, established healthy boundaries between you and the stepkids/BM, had his own sh*t together so you didn't have to pick up the slack, and is ready to make a commitment TO YOU, and not just bringing you into HIS family. This is the honeymoon phase of a relationship - if you're not already at least 90% happy with the entire situation, you should think hard about whether you see the potential for improvement, and how you're gonna deal if the answer is no.

26, never been married - girl, you are in the prime of your life!!! You can still be social and do the things you want, BUT with the caveat that sometimes you'll be doing them yourself, or even if your bf is there, it'll be different than a childfree couple going out. I know you meet whoever you meet and you can't help your feelings, but having lived and THOROUGHLY enjoyed my late twenties with all my other (then) childfree friends, I feel like I wouldn't have given that up for a guy with 2 kids.  :X

It is your choice, but just prepared to take responsibility for whatever outcome. If you're skeptical, listen to your gut and address it before you make any major decisions. You're going to be working at least twice as hard as someone in a relationship with no kids, so just be sure he's worth it to you. This is your chance to make HIM work for it if he wants to be with you! Good luck!!

Rags's picture

If you continue with this relationship.... I would suggest that Calgary it is.  Do not move to him.  Either make him move to you or land in the middle.

marysayed's picture

He is unable to move outside of BC because of his custody arrangements and defiently would not give up his half custody of his daughters to be with me, which i wouldn't ask anyways.  The only way we could be together is if i move to vancouver and live there with him and his kids. 

Rags's picture

Lets break this down a bit.

- You give up your life, your friends, your family, your careerand move across the country.

- You move into his home, his life, and join his family.

- You take on the most difficult role in life as a StepParent without any support.

- You make his kids  your prioirty since he has already demonstrated you are not his priority.

- You figure out how to have a life that fits his life.

Where is the equity in the life partnership that you are giving up your life for?

You say the only way for the two of you to be together is for you to move to him.  In actuatlity the only way for the two of you to be together is for him to move and actrually be together with you.  If you move there you will never be together. You will have sporatic time without kids and his XW but they will always be there, between  you, taking his attention, being his priority.  Something you will in all liklihood never be.  He has made it clear that his kids are his priority.  That means you and a marriage won't be.

I get love. I get the tingly feelings it creates. I get the excitement of change.  Do not let the tingles motivate you to forfeit yourself and your life for someone who is not willing to do the same for  you.

Normally I am Mr. full commitment. But in your case there is no evidence of reciprocal commitment from this guy. You met this guy on line. You have spent very little time together.  You are going all in on a losing poker hand.  Better to fish off of a local pier and actually meet someone, get to know them, and make monumental decisions with actual experience rather than the tingly feelings.

I am sensitive to this because my own kid thinks that he can find a life partner by swiping in whatever direction you are supposed to swipe if you are interested and none of them even live in the same country much less the same city.  He is learning that tingly does not an equity life partnership make.

I hope that you learn it too. 

marysayed's picture

I spoke to him yesterday and adressed some of my concerns. I expressed the obvious issues with the ex. also, where he lives in BC is far from the city, and i stated in order to feel intergrated and feel comfortable living there, i would need to live somewhere closer to the city, where theres people, shops, places you can walk around. i cant live in the full on suburbs as it would make me feel isolated. he stated he has to live where in BM lives, and the only way to complete that request i have is to only see his kids on the weekend, something hes not willing to change. 

 in addition i brought up wedding, ring, wanting to travel. and he stated aside from his pension, he does not have any savings. he is planning on beginning savings now and wasnt planning on investing too much in a wedding and didnt say much about travelling. 

I expressed that it feels like most of the big comprimises come from me for this to work. he quickly responded saying i shouldn't be tallying what im comprimising vs what he is. i dont think thats what im doing, but i feel like he has very little flexability or ability to comprimise on anything i want.  i'm a little hurt as he made it seem like we could make anything work in the beginning.

it feels like i already have very little autonomy over major desicions in my life like where i want to live, work, even where i'd want to raise my own biological kids, as it would still be around his co-parenting agreement. Is this a relaity that will be present for the rest of my life? or does it get better?

I want him to just comprimise on something, to make the load a little easier in terms of adjustment. 

ndc's picture

Of course you shouldn't tally up who is doing the compromising, because that would make it crystal clear that you're sacrificing everything and he's giving nothing.

Please, do yourself a favor and walk away.

 

SteppedOut's picture

A-FREAKING-MEN

Dang! You are calling out the blatant inequity! Shhh woman, you are making too much noise!

Rags's picture

Really? You want a compromise on something?  You should be looking for him to compromise on each and every point you addressed with him.  Not only in words, but also with action that clearly demonstrates his commitment and prioritization of you and the relationship.

He has clearly demonstrated that you are not now nor will you ever be the priority over his XW and his prior relationship children.

Your children will not be his priority either.  They will never be on par with his first relationship children even if they are also his children.

Of course he does not want a balance sheet of what you are investing Vs what he is not investing in this relationship from a compromise/sacrifice perspective.  He is investing/sacrificing nothing.

He has already said he has no retirement resources. You will be the one building his retirement resources which leaves him to pump even more resources into his XW and prior relationship children.  He is invariably on the hook for CS for those children, he will likely pay for their university studies, and in all likelihood he will always subsidize them.  And that is if you are lucky.  If you aren't, he will be subsidizing BM as well.

Please read your posts, look at the facts of his behavior.  Future performance is best forecast by past behavior.  If you go through with this.. you are screwed in more ways than one, your own children will be screwed, and you will spend your life waiting for this man to become anything other than who he has already demonstrated that he is.

Be wary of a ring.  Shiny baubles tend to cloud cerebral connectivity. A beautiful ring does not cover the stench of rotten character, child worship, or codependency between he and his XW.

Save yourself, save your future children.

Take care of you.

 

Dizzyjell's picture

And you are spot on

... you will make all the sacrifices to fit into his life and his former family, even where you can live and have your own kids will be tied to where he is and has to stay because of his ex and a kid he had with her. You have  no idea how much it sucks. Do not do it. We are all warning you. Trust me, he knows you're a catch because no woman would who really combs through the totally one-sided details would go for this. Everything falls in his favor. Ugh. The above poster is correct: your own kids will take a backseat ttc to his first kids, their child support, their schedule. Everything will come after all of that for your own kids with him

 I live it daily . our kid gets what ever is left over from his kid. Time, money, schedule. I feel like a single mom.

Harry's picture

He has them during the week so they go to school from his home.  If he does not change that he can’t move.

He is telling you his kids are the most important thing in his life, his kids will come first. He also has some close type of relationship with his EX.  You will always be second in everything.  Kids will be picking the restaurant and you will be paying for a place you don’t like.  And it will keeping going on.  REMEMBER he is really trying to be really nice to you.  This is the best it’s going to be.  Once you are trapped, it’s going to get worst. EX will tell you how to live.  Kids will get there way much more. Ect.  RUN.  This is not for you.  You know that already or else you would not be here. 

Merry's picture

If he’s not willing to compromise now, in this glow of a new and exciting relationship, just how much do you think he will be willing to compromise later on? 

He’s making it crystal clear that you are not his priority. He’s not willing to change anything to accommodate your needs, but he expects you to change everything for him...and his kids...and his ex.  

Let me translate the “I’m planning to start saving now.” Unless he’s shown you his “plan” (direct deposit into a savings or retirement account) what he means is that if there is any money left over at the end of the month after he entertains his kids and himself, he might save it for next month when he can “treat” the kids to something special. 

singledadsgf89's picture

Moving in with him even without the kids is a big move.  Add the kids and taking your age and info into consideration, it doesn't seem like the best move.  Is there no way at a test run?  I know that's hard with jobs, etc. but it's a huge sacrifice to leave what you know to delve into further unknown.  I;m in a similar situation where I made huge adjustments being with a man with a kid (he had her 5 nights out of 14).  I struggle but work through it and I actually like his kid.  I make sure he schedules adult date time and it works.  Now he is seeking full custody and I am leaving.  It's a big decision to make especially not having kids of our own and still wanting to enjoy our 20's.

I wish you the best of luck in any decision you make.  It's not easy when love is involved but you need to do the best you can with the information you have now.

Dovina's picture

does an intervention and kidnaps you from this! 

Is there anyone in your network who actually thinks this is a good thing?

BC is a long way from home if this goes belly up, and chances are it will. You will lose a so much of yourself in such a short time. You posted on here because you already know this isnt a good thing for you. To even find this site chances are when you googled it wasnt  "Becoming a bonus mom"

Please please listen to your family and all the people on here!

SteppedOut's picture

YES. 

Seriously he want you to listen to NOBODY, except him of course. 

Do you really think EVERYONE else in your life is wrong? EVERYONE? 

mkay.rae's picture

I'm in a similar situation. I posted a few days ago about my situation but I've come to the conclusion that I'm not about the whole blended family/stepmom thing. I just turned 29 a few days ago and it's going to SUCK having to start all over again, but I've read too many forum posts on here and my gut is telling me that I need to cut things off. (i never in a million years pictured myself as a stepmom----i don't even know if I want my own kids yet)

The bio mom GRILLS my boyfriend's child with questions when he goes back home to her and in general, is a nightmare to deal with. That alone has helped me in concluding that this relationship isn't going to work for me.   

I resonate with everything you said in your last paragraph. I DEF. struggle with not having his attention all the time. Like I've seen a lot on here....."Love isn't always enough" 

I'm going to move on with my life and find a single guy.  If you haven't listened to Dr. Laura on Sirius XM, you should..... she makes some good points about getting together with men that have children and she's highly against it. 

 Are there guys out there that are 29 and have no kids? I hope so....and I hope to find him someday.  And you're only 26!! We only get ONE life girl. 

Rags's picture

Equity life partnerships are between equity life partners. Both must benefit from the partnership.  In far too many blended family relationships the SParent gives far more than the breeding parent.

As young as you ladies are I would not sacrifice your entire lives for a man with toxic baggage.

Good luck and enjoy your new life adventures.

caitlinj's picture

I agree with this. This is why I think divorced people with kids should date other divorced people with kids. It is more fair. However you will find divorcees with kids try to seek out child free singles because they want their time and money dedicated to their own kids, not anyone elses, and childfree people usually have more free time and money to spend.

marysayed's picture

I really appreciate all your advice. I'm wondering, in this situation, what would make it more equitable? I mean, he can't move because of the kids, and even in vancouver won't be able to move in a more desirable location. hes begun setting boundaries with the kids, putting them into therapy and opening up communication so they understand soemone else will be in his life, which is good. he also has started insinuating that hes getting older and he doesn't want to do long distance any longer. I am just getting into my career here in Toronto. I'm not sure what to ask from him to make this transition to step parenthood and moving like easier for me.

Rags's picture

Only you can decide at what point  you reach equity in this relationship.  There are countless single parents and blended families that do not live close to prior relationship children.  Long distance visitation schedules are not unusual and often work very well for all involved. Kids have the stability of consistent home environment during the school year, have regular and extended time with the non custodial parent, and the NCP can build a life with a new partner, the new partner gets the priority and focus of their SO, both can focus on relationship, and the NCP and SParent can focus on the Skids in alignment with the Custody/Visitation/Support order.

My wife was the CP in our blended family marriage. We had SS 24/7 except for 7wks of COd visitation per year with the SpermClan. (5wks summer, 1wk winter, 1wk spring).  That gave him focused time with his BioDad's family, when they actually took their visitation, and it gave his mom and I focusd time together when he was on visitation.

I would not take that off of the table at this early stage in this relationship.  Moving to a neutral location that is new to both partners is a very effective way to build a strong foundation for the relationship.  One partner sacrificing their life to fully integrate into the life of the other partner, particularly when that includes diving into SParenting is shaky ground IMHO.

Of course not all situations will allow for this to happen, but, it should be an option that the partners discuss.

In our case it was easy to create a life in a place new for both of us, we met during my last semester of Engineering school.  I graduated, left for work, we stayed in touch and decided that we wanted a life together.  She was still a student and she and SS (then 23mos old) joined me, we eloped and started our life together in a new place for all of us.  Over the next 2 years we moved three times, bought our first home together, and built our life away from both of our families.  

You should not be the only one giving up your life for this relationship.  He needs to make an equitable investment as well.

But, as I said... only you can decide when equity is reached and you are comfortable to move forward with the relationship.

 

 

 

juststressedbeyondbelief's picture

Why make all of the sacrifices?

If he loves you, he should be willing to be the one to also make big changes.

Ask him to move to Toronto for a few months to test the relationship.

If no, then he's actively choosing over you, which he'll do for the duration of your relationship anyway. I'm not suggesting he shouldn't see his children, but he can make alternate arrangements if being with you is worth it.

marysayed's picture

Just wanted to let you all know, with your guidance I decided to end the relationship. He started to decreasingly put less effort and say he needs to focus on his own needs, kids needs and his routine to keep him happy. however, he started to seriously push me aside; stopped calling me, making effort to talk. Also, when we argued he would also turn the argument into stating that everything is about me and that i only focus on my needs. The straw that broke the camels back was when i asked him why he continues to talk to me if he has such issues with me and he said he talks to me because he doesnt want to hurt me and feels bad, so I ended it. To  be honest, it really sucks. but reading over this blog reminds me that im probably dodging a huge bullet. anyways, thanks all for your ufitered advice and guidance.

SteppedOut's picture

I am happy you can move on to a good healthy relationship. Take some time for yourself to process this bad one first! 

shellpell's picture

Brava!! You just saved yourself a lifetime of heartache and pain! Now go find a hot late 20/early 30s single never married no kids guy! Best of luck to you - you should be very proud of yourself!

_HelpMe_'s picture

Good for you. I just kept on trying and got many years into it to find the same thing. 
There seems to be a time when we are no longer a "novelty" and it just isn't worth the trouble to the BF. It's too much work to have the kids respect the SM, or to parent them in any way.

The SM carries the brunt of it. Everything was always my fault. The ex took her bs out on me for being "his new woman." The kids took their bs out on me for "being with their Dad." The BF ended up taking his bs out on me because "it's too hard to do this."

Anyone who brings a new spouse into a family dynamic should be very sure that the new person feels valued. They don't have to be there. Who would get involved if they didn't expect to work hard for it?

My situation brought so much sadness to my life, for years, almost 9 at this point. I'm broken and trying to figure out how to patch myself up and what to do next.

Im happy for you that the message came through early. Best wishes.

Alisonin's picture

Okay, first of all , don't listen to the people in this thread. Almost everything that they are writing is that you have to end your relationship.
However, I completely agree that there are a lot of RED FLAGS!
Girl, just have a serious talk to your boyfriend prior moving in. Tell him everything and I mean the entire f*cking truth about how you feel and what you want to change.
Don't take this serious step after moving in , because you will find yourself stuck into a relationship that's killing you! If everythings goes fine after THE TALK , call https://albertastrongmovers.ca/locations/lethbridge/ and they will help with moving in , lol.

Rags's picture

My thoughts on long distance internet initiated relationships.... if that person is THE one, they will move to you.

While I understand that different variables are in play in every relationship, and that usually it is more reasonable for one person to move than the other, if both are not willing to move and both do not offer to move..... the relationship likely does not have legs.

IMHO of course.

Rags's picture

My thoughts on long distance internet initiated relationships.... if that person is THE one, they will move to you.

While I understand that different variables are in play in every relationship, and that usually it is more reasonable for one person to move than the other, if both are not willing to move and both do not offer to move..... the relationship likely does not have legs.

IMHO of course.

crystaloo's picture

If I might add I would be very wary of anyone who wants to move in together and get serious too quickly, especially when they are 30 plus years old or there are children involved. Most people like this usually have issues they are hiding and have nothing to lose which is not a good thing when you are 30 plus years old.