BM trying to intrude on Funeral Services!
My DH lost his Grandma last week. She was more than a Grandma to him, she was the woman that raised him, that shaped him into the man he is, and kept him grounded all his life. This is without saying the most difficult time in his life.
Services are this week and I have been in contact with BM to make sure I can get the kids for the services. I sent her a text saying that the services are on this day, can we pick up the kids at this time? She text back that she wants to go, can I tell here when and where and she will bring the kids. WTF! I had been worried the last week that she would try to pull something like this. Why is she trying to insert herself into a family's mourning when she is no longer a part of that family? She hasn't seen her for nearly 15 years. I told her DH would rather she not attend and that I would hope that she wouldn't add any undue stress to the situation. By this time DH was already sick to his stomach about the whole thing.
I was appalled that she would even think about going. What, Did she plan to go to the reception to? I just found the whole thing so wildly inappropriate. She agreed not to go, but now DH is going to be worried about weather or not she's going to show anyway and make a scene. It wouldn't make a difference to me if she showed or not, but the thought of her even being there makes my DH sick, so I will do everything I can to support him and to keep her from causing any more grief at this time. Is my thinking out of line?
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I'm sorry to hear of your
I'm sorry to hear of your loss. You are definitely not out of line for not wanting her there as your dh's wishes and feelings are the most important thing at the moment, and if the thought of her being there is causing him distress then she needs to respect your request that she keeps away. He must be going through a horrible time just now and the last thing he needs is extra stress from an insensitive, interfering bm. She has agreed not to go. Do you think she will keep to her word, or is there a danger that she might turn up anyway? I think that was a good suggestion by dtzy to warn people that she may turn up and if she does, that someone escorts her away as discreetly and quietly as possible. I think you need to insist that you are picking up the kids and taking them so she cannot use taking the kids as an excuse to be there.
I wanted to go to my ex husbands grandmother's funeral when she died as her and I had always had a good relationship, and I know the rest of the family would have liked me to have gone but I felt it best to stay away as I was worried my ex might cause a scene and upset the rest of the family as he has done things like that before. Luckily they understood and agreed with me but at least my daughter was able to go and her uncles kept a close eye on her just in case my ex tried to start something with her.
I just hope the bm has the decency to stay away and let your husband and the rest of the family get through what is going to be a difficult and painful time.
I am so sorry for your loss.
I am so sorry for your loss. You are not out of line. She has no right to be there. It IS appalling.
I may be in a similar situation. DH's father has cancer. We are not sure of the prognosis, but this is his second time, and he does not want to go through chemo again. Our situation is different, because DH's dad was estranged from his children for almost 20 years, and it was only 4 years ago that he resurfaced. I do not have a relationship with him, but we are cordial. DH and him do talk, but it is not the same. However, I know DH will grieve, esp. for what he did not have with his dad. His father "left" right after DH met BM and returned after they had split and DH's kids were in their teens. BM has only met him a few times, as have the kids. However, I know they will show up at the funeral, if that happens. I can see it now. They do not even know the man, but they will use it as an excuse to start trouble and sniff for money (yes, that are that low). I cannot imagine dealing with this. If they start, DH's brothers will not tolerate it, I hope.
I hope your BM does not come. It is not her place. She shares children with DH, but this is NOT a moment she is entitled to share. My thoughts are with you.
Now, see I would have had no
Now, see I would have had no problem with you coming if this was my family. It is different in different situations. The OP's BM has not seen the family for 15 years. It is a shame you could not go to say goodbye to your ex FIL, but you were right that since they did not invite you did not go. That is the kind of person you are.
This actually happened to my
This actually happened to my DH when his father died. We were just friends at the time, but he asked me to attend to be there for him. His BM (who he NEVER MARRIED and never even acknowledged as a girlfriend until after she got pregnant on purpose) told him that "if that whore shows up, I'm going to make a fucking scene." Then she made a huge production about trashing the flowers and food I sent. People are unreal. She needs to see that this funeral is not about her. So sorry your DH is dealing with the extra, unnecessary grief. I did not go to DH's dad's funeral. I couldn't help but think that his family didn't deserve that. To this day they still tell stories about how horrible she was in that situation.
wow. i can't wrap my head
wow. i can't wrap my head around this one. i was always worried about what if my ex's mom died while bd17 was still a child? i would have to take her to the funeral (her father is in no way at all involved in her life) and i really would not feel comfortable doing that. thank God gramma is still alive. bd is now almost 18, so when gramma's time comes, she will be able to go alone or with her aunt who is only a few years older than her. i don't have to go and i won't. i can't imagine going to something like that after all these years.
I have told SD16 that if DH
I have told SD16 that if DH dies, her mother is in fact, banned from the funeral. I'm thinking the same goes for MIL, ESPECIALLY if SD16 is over 18 at the time - hell, we won't even tell BM.
MIL is in awesome health, so there's no worries YET - but you had better bet I'll have bouncers at hand. DH's entire family HATES BM with the passion of 100000 fiery suns. There is no need for BM to intrude on a family matter.
We just had to deal with
We just had to deal with something very simular. SD started calling asking if BM could attend my mother inlaws funeral. Prior to answering we tossed it around looking at it from numberous aspects. I told DH it was totally up to him. We had a huge problem with her not showing this woman respect while she was alive, why does she feel so inclined to show respect now that she's passed away. SD felt it was very important and actually she and Dh aired some feelings they both had regarding the situation. It wasn't pretty and may have been their final conversation. DH and SD haven't spoke since, but in my heart I feel he did the correct thing, by telling SD she wasn't invited. She never encouraged her children to visit either of their Fraternal Grandparents during the final stages of life, when we knew it was approaching and she was informed. Skids weren't allowed to attend the funeral services for their Grandfather just 3 months prior, because they would get an unexcused absence from school. If she did show up we were going to ask the Funeral Director to escort her out. Perhpas you can do the same thing. I know the stress you're dealing with and send my condolences regarding your loss.
I don't think you need to be
I don't think you need to be to be communicating with her at all. Your husband should be doing this and he can be the one to tell her not to attend the funeral. Funerals are no time to be showing your ass! I can't believe how low people will stoop.
Tell the funeral director as
Tell the funeral director as soon as you see her and they will escort her out very quietly. They do this stuff all the time. Every family has at least one person that is not welcome at that time.
Only issue, is the kids she is bringing with her. Tell them they can stay, but BM has to leave....Good luck and let us know how it goes...
The strange thing about this
The strange thing about this post today is that just this morning on my drive into work I was having my usual strange "what if scenario" thoughts. I was thinking about what would happen if God forbid something happened to my DH. Would his family, who he hasn't spoken to in 2 years want to come and cry for his loss? How would I handle such a thing? What would I say? Would I let them in? My DHs family has chosen BM over Dh and I. Hence the non existent relationship. They have nothing to do with us, we have nothing to do with them. BM has permanently carved herself a place in my DHs family and they have made their choice in who is more important to them very loud and clear. They have chosen BM over my DH and because of it I would probably kick them ALL out if they tried to attend his funeral. Including his bitch mother.
I am so sorry for your loss.
I am so sorry for your loss. DH recently lost his grandfather (3 months ago today) and it has been very hard on us. He was the rock of our family.
This is extremely selfish of her. I could possibly understand if it hadn't been 15 years since they had seen each other last. BM briefly tried this crap 7 years ago when DH's grandma passed. Luckily for us, the funeral was out of state and she certainly couldn't afford to make the trip. It didn't stop her from calling non stop.
I would do as the others above have suggested.