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What is a Mother?

luckykell's picture

1. I get up and make her breakfast.
2. I draw her bath water and get her clean clothes for the day.
3. I do her hair, and occassionally let her put some make up on for fun.
4. I help her clean her room, and teach her to make her bed.
5. I play with her, watch cartoons with her, and read with her.
6. I make her lunch, and get her a snack if she's hungry.
7. I wash her laundry.
8. I help clean, bandage, and kiss her owie when she hurts herself.
9. I help her do her homework, and art projects.
10. I take her shopping for clothes, toys, and other needs.
11. I make dinner for her and my FDH.
12. I snuggle with her on the couch while watching her favorite movie.
13. I make sure she takes her medicine when she is sick.
14. I kiss her goodnight, and tell her I love her.

And that is just in 1 day of our life together. That does not include the consistent ongoing tasks of washing bedding and towels, of keeping kid friendly food in our house, the driving her around to her activities, taking tons of pictures to document her life for her, scheduling playdates, planning parties. All the things that I believe a mother does.

The only thing that I did not do that would make me a mother, is give birth to her.

I am a stepmom, and a very good stepmom if I do say so myself. I am very fortunate to have feelings of love towards my SD5, and she loves me in return. The reason I blogged about this today was due to a disagreement with FDH last night. I had gone to Walmart for a grocery run, and stopped by the card isle to get a Mother's day card for my mom. I was shocked to find cards for mom, nana, grandmother, godmother, aunt, sister, even adopted mother....but not a single card for stepmom. When I got home and told FDH about what I saw, his reply was "Well you aren't a mom". Sad

Sometimes I wonder why I even try....

Comments

Gia's picture

You are def. a mom! And I have said the same thing about not having one card for stepmother.

WOW, I can't believe your FDH said that, I'd be pretty upset if DH said that (although we have fought and he has said similar "mean" things) but aside from when we fight, he truly thinks that I do a lot for SD6 and agrees that the role of a stepmother is underestimated/underappreciated.

I do all the stuff you mentioned here with SD6, and have been doing so for about 2 years, the only difference is that I didn't have her in my belly for 9 months and I didn't push her out. WOW, that is like the easiest part of all. The hardest part is actually RAISING the darn child.

Why don't you show your DH the list of the things you do for her, and ask him what would the difference be?

Sincerely,

G

"I will die on my feet before I live on my knees"

GiGi222's picture

So what does he consider you then, Kell? Ugh I am so mad at him for you right now. I can't believe he would say something like that. I'm assuming he meant you weren't in the legal sense because you aren't married yet? I'm hoping he was having a "moment" and will realize what he said was insensitive.

Gia's picture

BABYSITTER!!!!

This is the Bullshit that makes us mad. When we are EXPECTED to do everything for our stepkid but we are not a parent figure!!!!! we do not deserve any sort of credit in the parenting department. that is the definition of a unpaid babysitter. Might as well have him give you a salary.

Sincerely,

G

"I will die on my feet before I live on my knees"

LotusFlower's picture

Well...after many years of doing this step thing...I have come to realize what makes u a mom...whether u are a bio or a step...I think if yur kid is in pain and it breaks yur heart to the point that u will move heaven and earth to make it better for him, then imho, you are a Mom....and luckykell...u ARE a damn good Mom... Smile

A mother is not defined by the "b" or the "s" in front of her name, she is defined by how she handles the "mother" part.....

diesel777's picture

Thats freakin sad even in my pathetic situation my wife makes my ss16 write something in the fathersday or my birthday card.....all lies but still.....You deserve a hell of a lot more but remember that you get love back from her.....If she could im sure shed buy you a card.........

NachoMama's picture

He actually SAID that to you? What a jerk!!!
PsychoSponge got me a Mother's Day card 2 years ago. Don't ask what came over her....because I have NO idea!!! I don't expect to ever get another one though.

****I can do bad all by myself****

JustAnotherSM's picture

I can relate to this. I have been SM to my SS17 since he was 2. In all those years, do you think I was ever remembered on Mother's Day? Once - when I threw an absolute hissy fit in front of DH and SS b/c I never get recognition. So they both got me cards. I guess it was better than a kick in the pants, but I just didn't feel the love.

Being a SM can be a thankless job. But you should take great pride in knowing that you are providing the love and structure that a little girl needs. Look in the mirror, tell yourself that you are beautiful and pat yourself on the back.

Pantera's picture

Isn't it nice when DH's say stupid crap like that?! You are doing an awesome job.

"If I turn into another, Dig me up from under what is covering the better part of me" -Incubus

luckykell's picture

The ONLY place that I've found a stepmom card so far, is Mardel a Christian Bookstore. (I live in Oklahoma)

"Live well, Love much, Laugh often."

luckykell's picture

Thanks everyone for your kind words! One of the many things I love about this site, is that I can find my "pat on the back" here Smile FDH got an ear full this morning, I basically told him that since he didn't view me as a mother then I didn't fell like doing any of the "motherly" things. He immediately started back tracking, and he "claims" what he meant was simply that I was not a biomom. Well thank you Captain Obvious!

"Live well, Love much, Laugh often."

Bradybunchmom's picture

I have had this same discussion with my fiance. "you expect me to do everything for day to day care, but anytime a descision needs to be made you over rule me and don't even put any thought into my opinion because 'i'm not the parent'"

And I have also said, fine then find a sitter during the days, becuase I have my own things to do. Doesn't work, but feels good for a few minutes when they start to back track and appreciate everything you do. At least until the next disagreement lol.

Mich811's picture

that's ridiculous. your fiance owes you a giant bouquet of flower, in my opinion.

HennyPen's picture

You're more of a Mom than some BioMom's I know. that's assanine what he said, what a jerkface.

and you try for her Smile because your a good step-MOM!

________________________________________________________________
... why would you feel worthless and weak? You gave everything, your entire heart.. giving it to him. To truly give your heart, your trust, is taking the bravest of all risks--C.Young

folkmom's picture

this is slightly off topic..but goes to proving a point. I once had a woman who worked for me and she got promoted. her hours went way up, but so too did her salary (a lot up). hubby apparently got annoyed she was not home as much (he worked 4 on 3 off) and the house was not getting clean. never mind she was bringing in HUGE moula to the household...no cleaning.

so she got up at 3:30 am one day (he was sound asleep) and vacuumed every room in the house...starting in the bedroom. he of course complained...she replied "you have moaned about me not cleaning, this is the time i have to do it. either i do it now or you get off your ass and do it during the day."

and thus, a new household cleaner was born.