HCBM wishing she could be with FH
Hi I'm new here! I’d really appreciate some help and advice on my situation bc I have no one that can relate!
back story: FH and I have been together since his son was 2 (he is now almost 6.) He was never with his BM, their son was a surprise from a drunken one night stand he was adamant he didn't want to date BM based solely on a pregnancy (valid point to me, he didn't like her as a person).. back in the wee days when my FH and I were dating he used to tell me stories of how obsessed the BM was with him just based on the fact that I guess she was attracted to him and that he had a great family (they are awesome, they were there for her through her entire pregnancy and early months of SS's life, as well as to this day) his family also decided that it would be best to be friendly with BM and cordial in order to make sure FH was able to see his son more than just a weekend at a time. but back then I figured it's been years since y'all created that baby.. the sexual feelings she could've had should have wavered and maybe she should be moved on or even be looking for her own person since my FH has moved on and had even dated multiple other ppl while she was pregnant and up until meeting me, giving her zero indication that they'd be nothing other than co parents, he was very adamant to her about that.
which bring me to today....she is still very much obsessed with my FH and wants deeply to enmesh herself into the life of his family (which includes me) that she has resorted to making sure her son knows that I am essentially just a babysitter. Granted shell never say anything directly rude to me, she does petty things like act like I don't know how to pack his own school lunch and snacks, (shell pack them in his backpack for his days with us), which is extremely insulting as she knows I have worked with children for 10years, have a degree in it, teach part time while I earn another. There's absolutely nothing I love more than helping kids quite honestly. Idk if she turns a blind eye to all these facts but it is so upsetting that she put up such a fight to even allow us to keep the schedule my FH has had for 5 years, yelling that I'm not SS's mom, she is and that I shouldn't be doing school drop off/pick up. This was a huge fight they had and thankfull we got to keep things as is but the fact that she is so bothered that I am part of his daily school life is unbelievable to me. It's so upsetting to know that she will keep important school info from us. We didn't know about a field trip he took until he told us and we ultimately saw pictures on her FB which is a huge problem in general, she lives her life through FB. She tries to convey the message that she is vey much a part of FH's family by commenting on all their posts immediately after they've posted something, even tho she sees them infrequently, usually a couple minutes once a month. I'm not a big social media person, but when i see that it just upsets me bc she just likes to pretend like I'm not present in any of their lives when they mention me.. it's almost funny in a sad way. I am so worried when we post wedding photos that she'll try to outshine them by posting family portraits with our SS that are very professionally done, so that she can be taking up our family's timelines as much as our wedding photos will be...I'm very close with my FH's family so they all understand how this makes me uncomfortable, my FH has never understood bc he essentially treats her like a stranger bc that's what she was to him when they created their son.. and he's working on trying to help me bc he is seeing the damage she is doing and he can't handle it anymore either.
there are many other instances im not listing due to the great length this already is but this is a start..
I'm just wondering, after over three years, will she ever stop trying to control our lives? Will we ever be able to live our lives without the unnecessary texts and alerts about things we already know regarding SS? she wants so badly to be a family with my FH that I fear once her son is old enough to fully understand what stepparents are, she's going to tarnish the wonderful relationship we have built all because she is so mad she didn't get to be in the place that I am in.