I need advice from exp. Stepmothers!
I am grateful to this blog because I do not have a lot of people who can understand where I am coming from. Most of my friends or family members do not have step children and my friends do not have teenagers!
I have been a part of my SS12 life since he was a year old. I have practicially raised him as well. We have joint custody but he spends more time with BM. We have always done a lot for him including paying for all his sporting activities and trips (we also pay child support). My husband and I have been married 7 years now but we have been together for a total of 11 years. We also have a 4 yr son together. The boys are very close and love each other a ton.
We do a lot of family oriented events together and I feel like we are a loving and caring family! I have always gone out of my way to be a good step mother. When his mom or dad can not do something... I will always help out. Honestly, when it comes down to it I am doing a lot of the parenting. Due to my husbands work I am left to sometimes parent alone. My SS BM is not that active in his life. She is inconsistent and unstable. Therefore, I would say I do a lot to keep my SS safe and happy. I have always treated him as my own and I dont see a difference between him and my 4 yr old son.
The past year he has started lying and being minipulating. We don't have the best of relationship with BM, but we try to work it out. When he gets in trouble, BM always sticks up for him and turns him against us. For ex, if we take his Ipod away, she goes and buys him a cell phone the next day? I feel as if she is trying to turn him against us. I know that she tells him to say specific things to us. I guess I am not sure what to do. I know he is pre teen and not really liking us much, but I feel like beacasue we set guidelines and rules he doesnt like it here. She does everything to be better then us and honestly I wonder if he even likes coming home to our house? It is hurting my husband and myself a ton because we love him a lot. Should we just let him ride through this issue/ attitude with us? It is hard because I feel like BM is always not working with us. Maybe some advice about what I should do. Sometimes I dont want to be as helpful and supportive because of the lack of respect he is showing. Anything would be great! Thank you
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Comments
Thank you to all for your
Thank you to all for your comments and support! It is so nice to get good advice.
I agree with the other
I agree with the other replies, but to the stay consistent and don't give in advice I just want to add. From what I've seen of so many of these situations, once SS decides he no longer wants to see you guys because of the BM leniency gravy train, BM will eventually through up her hands because she can no longer control her kid as he has no respect for her buddy-buddy ways. When that happens, plan to have a fully unruly nearly grown kid to retrain that she'll have cast off onto you and DH.
I'm not sure where you go from there and if there's any success stories for that scenario.
"would be good in a perfect
"would be good in a perfect world right"
I agree, but a year or two free-for-all for an irrational teen might require quite a bit of drama to get it all back on track.
It's completely normal in the
It's completely normal in the tween years for kids to favor the 'anything goes' household over the 'rules and consequences' household. Don't ever back down on your visitation rights, as I agree with stepmasochist that if he is allowed to alter the visitation by staying with BM more often, it could eventually end badly for your house.
Do your best to be loving and caring and giving reasonable consequences. Possibly he is at an age where you can start discussing consequences BEFORE things happen -- make sure he is fully aware of what will happen if he does this or that....possibly asking him what he thinks is reasonable. Don't look like a pushover though - make it like he is having an input in his life. He's at a time in his life where he is reaching out for independence, and your acknowledgement of that may make things easier.
However, you may continue to have a bratty and hard-to-handle teenager on your hands for many years. Don't make rules and consequences out of anger at this...make sure they are reasonable. Realize kids are going to make mistakes and recognize when he understands his own mistakes and is willing to fix it in the future. As the cliche saying goes, he will eventually be thankful to you and your husband as later in life he will realize the errors of his mother's ways.
I agree that sticking to
I agree that sticking to visitation schedule is important regardless if SS12 wants to come home or not. If we back off the schedule, then I think he will be even more out of control! I also think it would be hard to get that schedule back once you give it up.
We are in the same boat.
We are in the same boat. SD14 has gone to live with her mom and DH has decided to not fight it. I have told him that she is not coming back here when her mom can't deal with her, unless she apologizes for the money she cost us and the heartache she put her father through. And the rules will be the same as the ones she didn't like before. I will tell you now, I know that day will come and I am prepared for one hell of a fight with DH. I think he is living on the hope that she will come back.