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Physical Violence and Lies

loveandfitness's picture

So in my last entry SS12 pushed S5 into a glass table. He's okay, the knot on his head is finally going down.
BUT... stuff has been happening since.
SS continues to wet the bed. I let him use the washing machine himself to get it done and make sure he cleans it out after if he needs to.
He told DH his mom gives him a bucket and soap and makes him go outside to wash his wet cloths and bed clothes every morning. I don't believe him.
He also told DH that BM makes him and his sisters clean the whole house while the babysitter sleeps in a back room. 1. He's "helped" me clean before. It's like he's never picked up cleaning supplies in his life. He can't even make his own bed. 2. His sisters are as young and our S and D, so there's no way she asks this of them while a babysitter sleeps in the house.
BM sent DH an e-mail Friday saying that SS had a camp for school that he's supposed to attend on MONDAY. Bring him back Sunday. No please, no I'm sorry it's last minute, just have him home by...
So DH e-mails her says last minutes changes can't work, we are busy. he gave her the address and said she is more than welcome to come pick him up early if need be, but he will not be making the drive.
He heard nothing back at all.
Then SS phone starts blowing up all weekend but he won't share the details with DH. He tells him that BM says his school camp actually starts next week.
She continues to call, sometimes apparently giving him the business and sometimes to be sweet and say I miss you.
So last night he gets a call, stays in his room for about an hour and comes out with tears in his eyes. When DH asks what's up he bursts into tears and says his Great Grandmother died. So we all dote on him, give him sympathy of course. A Few hours later on ask when he needs to go home for the funeral. To which he responds "oh umm, it's next month. They're gonna wait for it." I suggest to DH that he call BM so that SS won't miss saying goodbye to his loved one. I believe saying goodbye is important as I didn't get to with mine.
SS looks at DH and says hey can i talk to you in my room? DH says sure, so they go. Turns out SS LIED about his grandmother dying. He freaked out when I suggested we call BM to find out the dates and decided to come clean.
He said it was the first thing that came to mind, and told DH he lies a lot and doesn't know why he does it. This is a BIG lie right?? Does he need some serious psychiatric help or am I overreacting?
Today we heard a loud thud and S5 starts crying. When we rushed to see what happened SS is screaming "It wasn't me! He was hanging on me and I just pushed him aside. When S calmed down he said SS snatched his book from his hands so S tried to get it back by hanging on his leg. SS threw him into the door frame and he hit his head. He's got another knot on the other side of his head now to match the first one. DH asked SS who continued to deny it. but then found the book thrown under SS bed. Yes S5 should've come to us when SS took his book and didn't, but SS reaction was awful.
He is really concerning me. DH and i talked about it. He agrees that he needs at least a psychiatric evaluation. In the least he's learning bad behavior from his mother. At the most, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.
EDIT: Guess who's showing up unannounced at our door to pick up SS.
DH is now upset that she is here, even though he sent her the e-mail with our address welcoming her to come pick him up. He must've thought she wouldn't come since she never has before. She didn't give any notice or say why, just called SS saying she's 15 minutes away. We will see what happens...

Comments

Dontfeedthetrolls's picture

This kid needs serious help but not for lying to you. Think about it. BM was blowing up his phone pressuring him to get home. I'm sure she put the idea in his head.

As for his reaction of how he acted with your son the fact that he jumps to "It wasn't me" shows that he feels it doesn't matter what he does he will be blamed. The response is overboard which means he's experienced the same. If he's corrected in a calm loving manor then he wouldn't jump to being so defensive.

Yes he was teasing his little brother. That's what big brothers do. Yes he should have given back the book. I'm not saying this is right but it feels like he was playing the only way he knows how and it got out of hand.

This happens in our home all the time. The kids rough house and someone gets hurt. It's both of their fault for playing into it. Just the other day it got out of hand. Big sister kicked son back into the book case and he came up swinging and spitting. Who knows how it started. Playing turns bad quick.

I went back and read the other post. Your response then was to threaten him to never being in the house again. That's pretty big. You also said about them never being alone which clearly didn't happen. I'm not saying your step son is innocent. I'm saying you have an annoying 5 year old and a 15 year old who doesn't feel like he belongs. Yes he's strong but this isn't that this is being considering an accident which it feels like it is. No your totally blaming a teenager who is by nature is shorter tempered, impulsive, and doesn't know his own strength.

Yes get him help but stop the 5 year old from climbing on him.

Dontfeedthetrolls's picture

I'll add. Yes you need to supervise their interactions. It's clear they both don't know how to play with each other. Give them positive ways to interact. Have them play catch with a very soft ball, have them play Candy Land. Have them play very simple video games together... Even the four year old can follow enough to play Skylanders with an adult. Teach him how to be a big brother and teach little brother to respect his big brother. Neither is a play thing for the other.

Dontfeedthetrolls's picture

I don't think there's anything wrong with the child. I think they are playing the only way they know how and it gets out if hand.

Big bother is trying to interact with little brother. He's teasing him which is normal in many ways. I mean who doesn't play keep away. It's the root of so many other games really.

The thing is that they upset each other or the play gets too rough. It's normal for kids to rough house. It's just they are so poorly matched and accidents are gonna happen. That's why I think the older responsed so quick with "it wasn't me."

It was an accident isn't an acceptable answer. He's being blamed as the problem rather then trying to actually find out what happened. Neither kid and both kids are at fault. Yes older needs to learn to control himself but that takes time.

They want to interact. I don't think the younger is trying to attack or being a brat. He wants to play with his big brother. He knows it was an accident the first time. He wasn't attacked by his older borther. He thought they were playing. Yes he got hurt but he was having fun before hand.

Pharlap's picture

If I'm reading correctly, SS instigated the the whole thing by snatching the others book away from him. If he doesn't want to be bothered then maybe he shouldn't start shit in the first place.

ESMOD's picture

Maybe the young kid was pestering the older boy first... since they weren't being supervised.. who knows.

loveandfitness's picture

No. They were told to go choose a book for quiet time. Older took the book from younger because he decided he wanted it instead of something else, which he admitted to after we found the book under his bed.
No, younger shouldn't be hanging on older, and Yes HRNYC, he has been told to keep his hands to himself as much as you like to state that I am a bad parent. I suspect that you are projecting

loveandfitness's picture

Unfortunately it wasn't teasing. He took the book from his hands because it was the comic book he decided he wanted to read after S5 took it off the shelf. Yes, both are at fault I agree. This sort of things happens often. Ive tried the constant watching while they play and never leaving them alone together, but since the toy room is upstairs it gets hard to get what I need to do done and watch them constantly. This one time I was doing laundry downstairs and someone gets hurt. It's frustrating. This sort of thing doesn't happen when he's not here. Our kids aren't used to the the way he behaves.
And S5 is always "annoying" SS because he's excited that SS is here and wants to play. He sees SS and DH rough house and wants to get it on it.
BUT often SS will start a game like keep away or something and when he decides he's finished and annoyed by SS he gets violent, even though HE started it, literally.

Dontfeedthetrolls's picture

As long as you continue to see it as "he gets violent" you are placing the blame solely on him. So he plays with son then gets tired. Does son stop when he's told stop? Sounds like no.

So what's he suppose to do. Never play with son. Just run away when the son wants to play. Just take it when son refuses to stop. Thats why I said they need positive ways to interact. Keep away is a most basic form of play. Yes he's gonna start it then get tired of it. That's normal.

And of course it doesn't happen when he's not there. Really. And stop with our kids because really it is only adding to the problem. He's the outside who knows you don't want him there.

ntm's picture

I just want to reassure you that your five year old is responding in a developmentally appropriate way. The 12 year old is not. You are responsible for keeping your child safe. He needs to be in the same room with you at all times when the SS is there. You should never be hearing a thump from the other room. I had to do this with DS until the SDs moved out.