I've come here because I need advice on how to handle the situation. Little background. I have a SD16 almost 17 living in our home now for little over a year. She was originally living with her mother in another state. I have been in this child's life since she was 4. Married to her dad for almost 10 years. So I am not a new addition in her life. She wanted to move in with us because she wasn't getting along with her mother and step father. We explained before moving in that our home wouldn't be her escape from her problems, and we will support her to the best of our abilities, and we will welcome her with open arms. We also explained that we will have rules and chores at our home (she has neither at her mother's). She agreed. Before moving in she wanted to bring her dog with her, her mother refused to send the dog as a punishment for moving in with us. Said, on many occasions, "oh you can have the dog, to you can't have the dog she's mine now." I am paraphrasing. But this is how it was expressed to a 16 year old girl. Well my husband and I had already planned on getting a puppy of our own and for our 6 year old daughter, and decided well we will get her one too for her birthday/christmas. It was rough with everyone's schedule, adjusting to having not 1 but 2 puppies in the house, the struggle with chores and so on. We made it work. Everything was going great for about 8 months. 

About 4 months ago, I started noticing changes in my SD's behavior towards me. She started to ignore things I said, increasingly shutting me out and hiding in her room, talking back, arguing, refusing to do her chores set for her. Dictating when she would get things done. I asked many times what's up? Is there anything we need to talk about? Have I upset you? If so do you want to talk about it? Mind you everytime I would bring this up to my SO, it was always a defense or excuse. Well maybe she forgot, maybe she didn't see, maybe she didn't know. I understand she's 16, I understand she's working on growing up to become an adult. But the cold shoulder is what I don't get. So I just continued on with life and accepted it. Now to the most recent incident leading up to a blow up. My SD has been constantly complaining about my dog not listening to her for a month or so prior to this incident. I caught her excessively slapping my dog because she pooped on the floor. The dog is 7 months old, still a baby. I've never witnessed her behave this way with her dog. We called her out on her excessive use of force and told her that she cannot hit my dog no matter how upset she is. Well soon after her demeanor towards me got even more cold. Whatever. So, 3 weeks ago. She sent me and my husband a text, (we have a chat we all are in so we can communicate together) stating that my dog pooped on the floor. I told her to clean it up. She said I did. I said ok good, I don't know what to tell you, she's still a puppy, she's going to have accidents. You need to be more mindful of her potty cues and take her out often like you do your dog. She stated, I did and the dog just stared at me and did nothing. I told her that if she's pacing around the front door it means she has to go. Means you were too busy looking at your phone and not paying attention. Well she lost her mind and laid into me. Saying I'm blaming her for the dog pooping on the floor, and that the dog has held her poop and pee for 16 hours before and she can wait till she feels like taking her out. Needless to say I also lost my cool (bad thing. I should of stopped the conversation and been the adult about it, I know that now), I told her that the dog relies on her to take her out, and she needs to be paying more attention and I told her that was very rude and disrespectful in her behavior. She continued to attack, said some very hurtful things, very personal attacks on me. I am in the wrong for allowing it to continue and not saying enough of this, there will be consequences to your behavior.

But, my SO has never made me feel I could. Everything with her gets brushed off. He hates drama and avoids it at all costs, his words. Fast forward 3 weeks, to this day she has maybe said 2 sentences to me. Ignored me majority of the time. Hasn't done her chores. It makes me feel uncomfortable in the home. She was supposed to use my car and me to get her license tomorrow. But I took that away from her with my SO's blessing thankfully. She's made no effort to apologize or try to talk to me about it. He told her earlier this week that she has to apologize to me and fix this. She told him after he asked what her work schedule was this week, that on Friday she has to work and that her driver's test is Friday also. And that she's working on some sort of apology. Her plan was to apologize just enough to get me to take her to get her license. There was no genuity in the idea. So I asked my SO to talk to her yesterday to tell her. She's not getting her license in my car. For the fact she hasn't tried to fix anything, and that she has never asked to use or drive my car in the first place. Dad's truck isn't up to DMV regulations, my car is the only available for it. Well she got pissed and continued to ignore me and avoid. 

My SO and I got into another fight last night over this, he keeps wanting me to either ignore and not care. Or keep trying and make her be part of the family. He wants me to do it, not him. I'm the one having a disagreement with her not him. So whatever, I'm ready to squash this tomorrow. Her and I both have the day off, it will just be us in the home. My 6 yr old will be in our local Youth Club (no school friday). I just need advice on what to say and how to handle it. I want this to end.

Lastly, BM is HC. Hates myself and SO. Changes started right after SD came back from her house during spring break.

So sorry for the long post. Please be kind and helpful.